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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...Or are our friends?

403 replies

flyfree1394 · 28/02/2016 10:12

Have three DDs aged 14, 12 and 9.

Very good friends announced their engagement a few months ago and invited the DDs to be flower girls - all three delighted.

Have now received formal invitation.

It says on it that no child under 10 can attend. DD3 is 9, will still be 9 at the time of the wedding.

Contacted friends to check that DD3 was still a flower girl.

Basically they want her there for the ceremony, pictures etc, but she won't be allowed to come to the reception/party afterwards. In short DD3 is expected to sit through a long ceremony, pose for pictures, look like a little angel, etc, then watch her sisters go to a fun party that she can't attend. We are expected to sort out childcare in a place that is miles from our home.

AIBU to think this is absolutely ridiculous?

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 28/02/2016 15:45

Have you considered sending all 3 girls somewhere else after the ceremony rather than taking them to the Reception? It might be more relaxing and fun for all of you if they have a fun night with a babysitter/family member, and you and your husband have a night out. And, frankly, most kids that age aren't that interested in grown up parties, especially where a lot of drinking is likely to be going on. There may be things they don't really need to see and hear going on...

clam · 28/02/2016 15:47

There may be things they don't really need to see and hear going on...

What sort of weddings have you been attending, then? Hmm

derxa · 28/02/2016 15:50

None of this makes any sense whatsoever.

Husbanddoestheironing · 28/02/2016 15:51

We would be all attend, or none, too under those circumstances, hope you have a lovely family weekend together, I'm sure it will be much more fun. Even when you don't have children and maybe don't have the same perspective, everyone has actually been a child themselves and should be able to loose the self-absorption for long enough to realise how mean this would be, especially once it's been pointed out.

PovertyPain · 28/02/2016 15:53

Have you considered sending all 3 girls somewhere else after the ceremony rather than taking them to the Reception? It might be more relaxing and fun for all of you if they have a fun night with a babysitter/family member, and you and your husband have a night out. And, frankly, most kids that age aren't that interested in grown up parties, especially where a lot of drinking is likely to be going on. There may be things they don't really need to see and hear going on...

Maybe you should try reading the thread! Confused

Are you the btb? Hmm

DownstairsMixUp · 28/02/2016 15:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

EweAreHere · 28/02/2016 16:06

I have now read the entire thread; had skimmed the first couple of pages initially.

I still think if they would have been the only children there anyway, why bring any of them to the reception? It's clearly going to be a grown up party, presumably with alcohol and grown up talk, and some people will likely be stupid and silly about it. It's not something I'd choose to bring my own three children to if they were going to be the only children there, and they've been to plenty of parties with lots of children and alcohol in attendance but the dynamic is just different when there are lots of famlies, so I did wonder why not have an adult night out entirely after the ceremony?

StDogolphin · 28/02/2016 16:07

Center Parcs do family photo shoots!

Fontella · 28/02/2016 16:07

Never read anything so bonkers in my life.

She's lost her flower girls, best man and a good friendship from the sounds of it, all because she refuses to let a little girl who is 9 weeks off her 10th birthday ... attend her fecking wedding reception. She expected you all, mother, father and siblings to pack your youngest off somewhere to comply with her nonsensical age limit?!

She's not right in the head!

And the fact that the bloke she is marrying accepts this ludicrous nonsense is equally astounding.

Shock
EweAreHere · 28/02/2016 16:08

And, no. Definitely not the btb. Long married with three DC of our own. :)

edwinbear · 28/02/2016 16:11

She thinks a 9 year old will sit properly and behave throughout the church service (arguably the boring bit for kids), but she can't be trusted to behave herself at a meal/party afterwards? She's unhinged and OP YADNBU. Lovely for your girls to see that you will always prioritise them and have their back.

LeaLeander · 28/02/2016 16:16

Maybe I've led a sheltered life, Ewe, but the weddings I've attended have either been casual garden affairs, small restaurant luncheons or evening dinner dances. And at none of them have been any vulgarity, poor behavior or "things children shouldn't see."

I am totally in favor of childfree weddings because most people in my social circle and my generation of my extended family just enjoy it more that way. But we don't go around asking friends to provide their kids as "props" and then excluding them from the hospitality.

NotCitrus · 28/02/2016 16:18

The only way this makes any sense is if bride has image in her head of happy couple flanked by two lovely girls, and thinks a third would spoil the symmetry!

So doesn't want child 3 no matter what, and would probably prefer girls 1 and 2 fucked off after the ceremony too.

Ah well, there's one less Christmas card to write.

NinaSimoneful · 28/02/2016 16:25

OP, do you think the friendship will survive this? Do you and DH want it to? Just one more nosy question, do you think the wedding couple will spin this (in their own heads) to somehow make out that it's you being unreasonable? (I don't see how!)

You all sound lovely btw, your DD1 trying to find a way they could still have their pretty pictures and you suggesting a weekend away with them to celebrate their marriage, your DH declining BM status. My DH would also be disgusted if 4/5ths of our family where invited to a portion of a wedding.

Bridezilla has managed to lose 3 bridesmaids and a best man from the wedding party. That's pretty efficient bridezilla-ing right there. It'd nearly be impressive if it wasn't so horribly awful behaviour.

SauvignonBlanche · 28/02/2016 16:34

frankly, most kids that age aren't that interested in grown up parties, especially where a lot of drinking is likely to be going on. There may be things they don't really need to see and hear going on...

What sort of weddings to you go to Ewe, it all sounds very disreputable? Hmm

LogicalThinking · 28/02/2016 16:57

How utterly shit!
It seems that some people completely take leave of their senses when they start planning their weddings. This is down to both the bride AND groom. The groom is allowing her arbitrary decision to damage a lifelong friendship and make him lose his best man. That is pathetic.

Enjoy a lovely weekend away OP.

EweAreHere · 28/02/2016 17:03

I haven't been to a wedding for about 20 years. :)

But I do often see random families out in the local pub into the evenings frequently surrounded by loud, drunken adults ... including the people at the table with the bored looking children ... and I've always just kind of wondered why ... ?

I will fully cop to be the odd duck out on this thread. But I do take the fair point of excluding 1 out of 3 is not reasonable. I just wonder why any of them would want to go. That's all. :)

CaptainCrunch · 28/02/2016 17:05

I think you've made the right decision op. And Ewe, I don't get where you're coming from at all. Some of my best childhood memories are of having a great time at weddings. I was my brothers bridesmaid at age 9 and had a ball at my older cousins weddings.

carabos · 28/02/2016 17:11

Wow. They really don't want this little girl at the wedding do they? Go on OP, do a massive drip feed and reveal that she's the living image of the girl from The Exorcist complete with spinning head, because if she isn't then - well, wow. This groom is prepared to sack off his best man, his friend since school and a family they consider their best friends rather than have one of his DDs at his wedding reception?

In the immortal words - are they on glue?

paxillin · 28/02/2016 17:13

On the contrary, LogicalThinking, they don't take leave of their senses, they take off the mask and show who they are. Many people organise a wedding or hen/ stag do to fit their ideal life and their ideal friends and family and ignore the ones they really have.

Las Vegas stag do for someone whose friends are young fathers with limited money, 1 week hen do for friends with careers and young kids, weddings in the middle of nowhere for not very mobile family... Selfish people will organise all of these. It's as if someone with lots of Muslim friends organised a hog roast in a cocktail bar for their wedding. I bet some bride- or groomzilla did.

Grapejuicerocks · 28/02/2016 17:16

What did you say when she said? How did she say it? Was there any hint of uncomfortableness when she said it? Surely she must be aware that isn't really on.

If there are no other kids going then basically she is excluding only DD3. That's even more of an insult.

ChasingPavements · 28/02/2016 17:17

Bride to be is completely bonkers and has risked a good friendship for some mad bridezilla moment.

So glad you and your DH are being supportive to all of your children and are doing something special instead.

Goingtobeawesome · 28/02/2016 17:19

It's not that the child is nearly ten so should be there. For whatever reason she doesn't want to have them there for the meal -cost maybe - and this is how she has decided to make sure it doesn't happen. It's not actually anything about the delightful nine year old.

CaptainCrunch · 28/02/2016 17:22

I agree with pax, the mask has slipped and people can be spectacularly selfish about how they want to celebrate something. I and several others distanced themselves from a friend who got very silly and demanding about her 40th birthday plans.

lorelei9 · 28/02/2016 17:23

Perhap I should have said this in my first reply (I said not to attend on principle so very glad that you aren't)

I'm childfree. I completely understand wanting a child free event.

I do not understand having children in pictures to make it look all Disney and then banning them from the party! They should hire actors, they're just too tight.

I have a feeling your invite will reappear when they think about how theyv e come across....maybe think about that so you have an answer ready. I still wouldn't go Grin

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