AIBU to come off the pill without telling my husband

[Essexgirl85]

I've been married to my husband for over a year, we both want children but he doesn't want one just yet.

So AIBU if I stop taking contraception and don't tell him? I decided when we got together after talking about it with him that I would be on the pill, he has mild Cerebral Palsy and although he has worn condoms with previous partners it took him a while to put one on and it basically frustrated him and his partners and he hated having to plan when to have sex in advance.

I'm thinking that if I tell him he'll either never have sex with me or he'll use condoms which will be a passion killer, I'm not a massive fan of condoms anyway. If I don't tell him and I get pregnant I could say it's a 'happy accident', he'll be a great father and seeing how he is with friends children just makes me want children even more

I never report Autumn or any of her aliases unless the post specifically breaches guidelines, which I don't think that one does. Best way to deal with he/she/it is taking the piss, in my experience. HQ don't seem bothered. I did report the OP for blatantly obvious trolling, but saying that the thread might turn into something valid anyway. Wouldn't be the first time an OP posted something goady, fucked off, but we MNers made something beautiful out of it regardless.

Because it's still "forcing" the husband to have a baby he doesn't want. Apparently.

Oh yeah, I forgot, a man will explode is he does not have sex regularly.
And anyway, it's his right to have sex with his wife. Of course.

WTAF

Jizzy, one of the many reasons I still love MN - beauty out of car crash of a fred

It is perfectly sensible advice and I will be telling my DSs that they should always take charge of their own contraception if they do not want a child.

So true. I was going out with someone not for very long once and he asked of I would go on the pill. I did. Both got tested first.

But you know I was astonished how I just told him, I am on the pill now. He took it as gospel. Didnt even ask to see the box etc.

I WAS on the pill. I wouldnt do that to anyone but I was still surprised how readily he accepted it and it didnt concern him. But some women would do it as evidenced by this thread. But the fact is in such a new relationship perhaps people shouldnt be so trusting.

A woman cannot rape a man, Giraffe.

I don't think anybody has even hinted that what is suggested in the OP is fine though?

And yes, is consensual sex requires informed consent, and rape requires vaginal or anal penetration then a man who has deliberately sabotage a condom having sex with a woman is committing a rape in the eyes of the law.
Sounds counterintuitive, but is true when things are taken through to their logical conclusion.

Nobody is suggesting that the moral wrong is the same, but the consequences potentially are emphatically not.

..the moral wrong is NOT the same…

Sorry. Small but crucial different, missing that 'not' out

Ah feck, 'difference'.

Yes you are being v v v unreasonable.

'Lesson to mums of sons out there, never trust any women including your wife over contraception.'

Autumn is obviously going to be one of those mils's.

Hang on. We are always telling men that they should not just assume that it is the woman's job to handle contraception and if they aren't prepared to risk becoming a father or take responsibility for any accidents then they must be prepared to use BC themselves.

Which is it? They take responsibility by using BC themselves? Or they put all their trust in their partners to do it and do it properly, and just hope optimistically that there are no accidents, even if they don't want a baby under any circumstances?

We can't have it both ways. If a man chooses to use a condom even if his partner is on the pill he shouldn't be criticised for lack of trust, he should be congratulated for taking an active role in family planning.

Because let's face it, if his partner does get PG either by accident or on purpose, he is going to get little sympathy from anyone when he says 'but I don't a baby and she was supposed to be on the pill.'

I think there is a difference when you're in a marriage or very long term committed relationship

I entirely agree that for casual sex, the 'she told me she was on the pill' line is bullshit. Take responsibility for your own actions - if you don't want to take the risk of an unplanned pregnancy (as well as risking STIS, obv) then suit up FFS

But a committed relationship is built on trust

You may have a joint bank account for household expenditure because you trust your partner not to rinse your joint accounts - I wouldn't say you're being irresponsible for having a level of trust

Same with contraception. It is reasonable to not use barrier protection in a committed relationship because you trust your partner not to be shagging around behind your back. It is reasonable to assume that you will not be deceived about TTC.

What happened to trust?

It's not just about trust though, is it? It's about your inability (as a man) to have any real control over when and whether you procreate unless you use BC yourself. Judging by the amount of women who would appear to get PG while apparently using BC there is quite a big risk attached to just putting your faith in the woman's BC. Most men are fatalistic about it and prepared to take that risk rather than have to double up with condoms, but we shouldn't automatically think badly of the ones who do see good reason to still use them.

So if rape involved informed consent, then surely a woman who sabotages contraception is just as guilty of rape because she has also denied the man she is sleeping with the chance to give informed consent too?

Foolish idea! Of course yabu

Of course it is unreasonable. You are seriously contemplating bring a person into the world without his informed consent when you have discussed and he believes you have taken responsibility for contraception?

WTAF?

It's the way you say it phone and obviously the message you send.

Take responsibilty for your own contraception as not everything is 100% and human error contributes.

Or

Even your wife is a deceitful liar whose trying to trap you.

See the difference

SoupDragon because her lesson was not to her sons but to mum's of sons. She was implying that no women can be trusted in a son's life but his mother which controlling and odd. And all people should take charge of their own contraception, men and women.

Hang on. We are always telling men that they should not just assume that it is the woman's job to handle contraception and if they aren't prepared to risk becoming a father or take responsibility for any accidents then they must be prepared to use BC themselves.

Yes I complete agree with that. It was the 'lessons to mum's of sons' that I disagree with.

Having children with someone is like getting married - it tends to work best when both parties involved have naturally reached the same decision without any element of coercion on the part of the other.

If you can't talk to your DP about this, and your level of consideration for him is such that you would trick him into doing something so life-changing, I don't think you should even be together TBH, let alone have a child together. And I don't just mean that from the sense of him having a lucky escape from you, more that you just seem fundamentally mismatched and wanting completely different things in life.

Flowersandshit
The thing is, if women waited for men to be ready for children, the human race would die out

You have a pitiful view of men. Many men desire children, probably most. Perhaps you haven't met any.