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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to come off the pill without telling my husband

148 replies

Essexgirl85 · 28/02/2016 09:24

I've been married to my husband for over a year, we both want children but he doesn't want one just yet.

So AIBU if I stop taking contraception and don't tell him? I decided when we got together after talking about it with him that I would be on the pill, he has mild Cerebral Palsy and although he has worn condoms with previous partners it took him a while to put one on and it basically frustrated him and his partners and he hated having to plan when to have sex in advance.

I'm thinking that if I tell him he'll either never have sex with me or he'll use condoms which will be a passion killer, I'm not a massive fan of condoms anyway. If I don't tell him and I get pregnant I could say it's a 'happy accident', he'll be a great father and seeing how he is with friends children just makes me want children even more

OP posts:

GooseberryRoolz · 28/02/2016 10:31

Lesson to mums of sons out there, never trust any women including your wife over contraception.

Lesson to the mums?

OP TALK to him FGS.

GooseberryRoolz · 28/02/2016 10:33

Kitten you might be on to something there

PacificDogwod · 28/02/2016 10:39

how the fuck would you like it if you didn't want dcs and your dh poked holes in the condom/slipped it off while dtd?

This of course happens too - some people are a moral black hole IMO.

Now, where are the TV cameras??

The 16 yo can feck right off

Sallystyle · 28/02/2016 10:45

Lying to someone you love and manipulating someone, bringing a child into the world when only one of the parents actually want to be a parent right now isn't the best start for that child is it?

It shows a lack of maturity which may mean you aren't quite ready to raise a child.

FlowersAndShit · 28/02/2016 10:48

YABU but I bet a lot of women do it. "It was an accident, wasn't planned".

AyeAmarok · 28/02/2016 10:49

AnthonyBlanche · 28/02/2016 10:50

Great idea OP - trick your husband into having a child. Why would you even need to ask if YABU, you must know you are.

JizzyStradlin · 28/02/2016 10:52

Lesson to mums of sons out there, never trust any women including your wife over contraception.

I should think most mums of sons don't have wives Autumn. Those few who do are highly unlikely to be relying on said wives to prevent pregnancy. You know, biology and all that.

Meanwhile, are people really still answering the OP? He/she/it isn't going to be back.

BipBippadotta · 28/02/2016 10:53

Obviously YABVU.

If the many moral / ethical arguments against this aren't enough to put you off, imagine some of the practical dilemmas.

You get pregnant. DH is unhappy, isn't ready, doesn't want the baby. Fatherhood isn't 'the making of him' as everyone has said it would be. He is resentful & you are all unhappy.

You've been off the pill for a year & haven't got pregnant. There's clearly some sort of fertility problem, but you can't raise it with DH as he has no idea you've been 'trying'. He still thinks you've got loads of time to start a family as (like most men) he believes going off the pill = instant pregnancy. You can't convince him otherwise without telling him what you've been up to.

You get pregnant. You have a baby. From then on he insists on using condoms (which neither of you enjoy), as he doesn't think the pill is effective after that first 'happy accident'. Your sex life suffers.

If you love each other and really both want children, what is keeping you from talking to him honestly about wanting to start trying now?

@ Jizzy

FlowersAndShit · 28/02/2016 10:56

The thing is, if women waited for men to be ready for children, the human race would die out.

Shutthatdoor · 28/02/2016 10:57

The thing is, if women waited for men to be ready for children, the human race would die out.

Things is that is completely untrue....

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 28/02/2016 11:02

I'm sure this happens a lot - just RL people won't admit it!

blueshoes · 28/02/2016 11:06

Whoever does it should be totally ashamed of herself and rightly cannot confess to anyone as that would tell the world she is a deceitful liar who would gamble with her relationship with the father of her child and her child's happiness for her own selfish desires.

It will be her dirty secret for the rest of her life.

BipBippadotta · 28/02/2016 11:13

All sorts of things happen all the time in real life. OP didn't ask if this was 'possible' or even 'commonplace'. She asked if it was 'reasonable'.

LogicalThinking · 28/02/2016 11:13

I'm sure this happens a lot - just RL people won't admit it!
That doesn't make it any more acceptable.

It is utterly despicable behaviour.

Pinkheart5915 · 28/02/2016 11:13

Don't do it!! That would be a betrayal of his trust. And it shows a lack of respect for your marriage.

If he isn't ready to be a father yet, then you can't force that.

Have you actually sat down with your husband and talked about the fact you would like to start ttc now? Have you asked him why he feels he isn't ready for a baby yet?

VestalVirgin · 28/02/2016 11:48

how the fuck would you like it if you didn't want dcs and your dh poked holes in the condom/slipped it off while dtd?

Yeah, because raping a woman (THIS IS RAPE!) and endangering her health EXTREMELY is the same thing as ... settling a man with an unwanted, purely financial responsibility that he has good chances to be able to get out of, anyway. (The number of glorified sperm donors who don't pay child support is laaarge)

Not telling her husband she won't take the pill anymore is a shitty thing to do, but it does NOT endanger his health in any way.

Chances are that, faced with the choice to have children now, or get divorced, he'd decide to have children, anyway. So why not tell him?

A woman can't afford to wait forever to have children. Basic human biology. I would not wait for a man to want children when the biological clock is ticking. A sensible man will understand this.

Now, if Essexgirl is born in 85, then I'd say she has a point. If she's only 21, though, the shittyness of doing this is increased by there not being any hurry.

GooseberryRoolz · 28/02/2016 11:55

Vestal what? Contraceptive sabotage is not rape if the act is consensual, or to the extent that it IS, it is equally so MtoF or FtoM.

SeparatedByMotorways · 28/02/2016 11:59

Isn't lying about contraception how Julian Assange has ended up living in an embassy..?

You have to be taking the piss, surely?

nevertakeyouriphoneinthebath · 28/02/2016 12:07

YABVVU. And you know it.

And if he struggles to put on condoms then why can't you/his previous partners just do it for him?

Creatureofthenight · 28/02/2016 12:07

Wow, Vestal. Just wow.

nevertakeyouriphoneinthebath · 28/02/2016 12:11

Vestal Are you for real?

And EssexGirl85 every single time a woman says she was on the pill and taking it properly and somehow got PG anyway, lots of people including me are very very cynical about that. And people like you are the reason why.

I hope you feel a little bit ashamed by that.

GooseberryRoolz · 28/02/2016 12:16

settling a man with an unwanted, purely financial responsibility that he has good chances to be able to get out of, anyway. (The number of glorified sperm donors who don't pay child support is laaarge)

And this^ is an appalling attitude. Do you think all men are automata?

A child isn't a 'purely financial responsibility' and it is an unusual adult who would write a cheque and shrug their offspring away.

OzzieFem · 28/02/2016 12:19

OP What else do you do behind this poor mans back?

TiggyD · 28/02/2016 12:22

It would be having sex with somebody without their informed consent.

YABVU.

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