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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to come off the pill without telling my husband

148 replies

Essexgirl85 · 28/02/2016 09:24

I've been married to my husband for over a year, we both want children but he doesn't want one just yet.

So AIBU if I stop taking contraception and don't tell him? I decided when we got together after talking about it with him that I would be on the pill, he has mild Cerebral Palsy and although he has worn condoms with previous partners it took him a while to put one on and it basically frustrated him and his partners and he hated having to plan when to have sex in advance.

I'm thinking that if I tell him he'll either never have sex with me or he'll use condoms which will be a passion killer, I'm not a massive fan of condoms anyway. If I don't tell him and I get pregnant I could say it's a 'happy accident', he'll be a great father and seeing how he is with friends children just makes me want children even more

OP posts:
StitchesInTime · 28/02/2016 12:23

Vestal has a good point about pregnancy being a potential risk to a woman's health. It's thankfully rare, but women can die in childbirth, or be permanently physically damaged as a result of pregnancy and childbirth. Whereas men face none of the physical risks of pregnancy or childbirth.

That's why a woman tricking a man into a pregnancy isn't really comparable to a man tricking a woman into pregnancy.

OP would still be extremely unreasonable to stop taking the pill without telling her DH though.

SoupDragon · 28/02/2016 12:26

Not telling her husband she won't take the pill anymore is a shitty thing to do, but it does NOT endanger his health in any way.

How do you know being tricked into having a child he doesn't want wont endanger his mental health?

SoupDragon · 28/02/2016 12:27

THIS IS RAPE!

No, it really isn't. Even if you shout it.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 28/02/2016 12:30

Has the op been back?

StitchesInTime · 28/02/2016 12:32

No sign of OP hobnobs

specialsubject · 28/02/2016 12:34

blimey, the OP may be a troll but what worries me is that one responder here may not be.

every child a wanted child by BOTH parents. If both partners in a relationship (note: PARTNER) do not want a child, then either no child or separate. Brutal, but the only way.

nevertakeyouriphoneinthebath · 28/02/2016 12:36

agree special

DeoGratias · 28/02/2016 12:36

It's perfectly lawful to do this and extremely common. Most of us would regard it as morally a bad idea but I would guess about 30% of babies are born this way and good few more than that are a mistake.

There have been some legal cases on issues such as when a man has AIDS and he does not tell his partner and infects her he has liability. Other cases have held a child is a benefit and you don't get damages for the child (even if conceived in 5 minutes in a broom cupboard at Nobu - Boris Becker's)

Goingtobeawesome · 28/02/2016 12:44

I guess mumsnet will be here when he leaves you and ignores the child he didn't plan on having.

JizzyStradlin · 28/02/2016 12:48

Vestal has a good point about pregnancy being a potential risk to a woman's health. It's thankfully rare, but women can die in childbirth, or be permanently physically damaged as a result of pregnancy and childbirth. Whereas men face none of the physical risks of pregnancy or childbirth.

That's why a woman tricking a man into a pregnancy isn't really comparable to a man tricking a woman into pregnancy.

OP would still be extremely unreasonable to stop taking the pill without telling her DH though.

Yes, exactly. It's possible to acknowledge that a man in this position won't have to deal with the physical risk of pregnancy and a miscarriage, abortion or birth whereas a woman would, whilst also acknowledging that our hairy handed OPs purported course of action is unethical and stupid. The barrier for being grossly unreasonable is set some way below tricking someone into the physical risks mentioned. As is the barrier for idiotic.

Quietwhenreading · 28/02/2016 12:48

Vestal I actually find the notion that our children are 'purely a financial' responsibility for my husband pretty offensive.

We discussed whether we wanted children before we got engaged. We waited for us both to be ready.

If my DH had changed his mind I would have made a decision whether to leave or be childless. My desire to be a mother doesn't trump his choice not to be a father.

DixieNormas · 28/02/2016 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PacificDogwod · 28/02/2016 13:00

Yes, it is a fucking awful think to do whatever sex the deceiver is, but it is also true that the physical risk is the woman's alone. And often also the financial/social one.

JizzyStradlin · 28/02/2016 13:09

It's not really about whether it's morally better or worse dixie, just that because there will be zero risk to his physical health it's not comparable. Which is unarguably true, like it or not. A man and a woman would both have been similarly deceived, but only one would suffer physical ramifications. I disagreed with much of what vestal wrote, but the only way that particular point could be bollocks would be if she were wrong about the physical risks. She's not.

WilLiAmHerschel · 28/02/2016 13:09

Lesson to mums of sons out there, never trust any women including your wife over contraception.

Autumn is obviously going to be one of those mils's.

Yabvu op.

SoThatHappened · 28/02/2016 13:09

Regarding the condom issue...frustrating for him to put one on and for his partners because of his disability?!

A few of my exes, none of them with disabilities, liked me putting the condom on for them as they found it a turn on. One of them always wanted me to do it because it turned him on. They were perfectly able to do it themselves and yet they wanted me to do it as they liked it.

Was this not an option with your DH? Surely it is far better to incorporate you putting it on into a loving session that having him struggle.

YABU BTW>

BlueMoonRising · 28/02/2016 13:10

So:

A man sabotages contraception. This is rape.

A woman sabotages contraception. That's ok because the man might not pay towards the kid anyway?

WTF????

mrsjskelton · 28/02/2016 13:10

I can't even believe you've asked if YABU.

SoupDragon · 28/02/2016 13:11

Autumn is obviously going to be one of those mils's.

Why?

It is perfectly sensible advice and I will be telling my DSs that they should always take charge of their own contraception if they do not want a child.

IPityThePontipines · 28/02/2016 13:17

YABU.

YABU because you are lying to him and being deceitful.

I would also add that due to his disability,he doesn't have much choice in using contraception himself.

However, if this were one of those long-running relationships, where the woman wants children and the man is always fobbing them off, I'd have no problem with the woman saying "you don't want children, you sort out contraception".

JizzyStradlin · 28/02/2016 13:18

Autumn is a known troll, goady fucker and I think possibly PBP but don't quote me on that. One should advise one's children to take responsibility for contraception, of course, but that isn't what she was actually saying either. Approach with caution.

PacificDogwod · 28/02/2016 13:21

There is a universe of a difference between actually saying 'I am coming off contraception' and just doing it without saying anything. In the first case the other person can make a choice whether they want to a. sort out their own contraception, b. not have sex, c. come round to the idea of TTC, d. leave. Not saying anythings is beyond despicable.

Jizzy, have you reported her?

80schild · 28/02/2016 13:23

Not unless you want a divorce.

IPityThePontipines · 28/02/2016 13:24

Pacific - on previous threads people have argued vociferously otherwise. Anyway,since the OP's not coming back, I thought I'd broaden the discussion.

PacificDogwod · 28/02/2016 13:26

Pontipines, really?
No difference between stating intent and not stating intent??

What am I missing? Confused