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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not get my DD any toys for her birthday.

58 replies

EveOnline2016 · 26/02/2016 23:59

DD has wrecked everything she had for Christmas. She was very spoiled from Dh and I plus family members.

I have instructed all family members that this year she is to get no toys at all for her 7th birthday. I have told them the reason as she doesn't respect anything and will wreck things.

I want her to respect her things.

A few have agreed but majority is making me out to be a bad guy.

What do I do, I refuse to spend money just for it to be wasted due to her wrecking things.

OP posts:

Arfarfanarf · 27/02/2016 00:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AndNowItsSeven · 27/02/2016 00:11

Yabu it's not your money " wasted" , your dd is six don't be so spiteful.

Fatmomma99 · 27/02/2016 00:16

I find this a strange way to describe a child of this age.

Can you help her look after her toys better?

Is she deliberately spoiling them? Or is she clumsy? How is she interacting with the toys? Is it that she doesn't like the toys she's got (eg, has she got dolls, when what she loves is art, and is she drawing on her dolls?).

I think what i'm asking is = what is behind the destruction?

Can't judge on whether you're the 'bad guy' or not without more information.

AgentZigzag · 27/02/2016 00:18

Yeah, agree with AndNow, it's pretty spiteful to tell other people not to get your little girl any toys for her 7th birthday because you don't think she behaves well enough to deserve them.

How is that her fault? She's only a 6 child!

And your talking about her like that to all the people who love her...

There are better ways of dealing with the way she treats her possessions than bad mouthing her to all and sundry.

Original poster

EveOnline2016 · 27/02/2016 00:19

She purposely damages them.

I feel as her mum that I need to teach her to respect things.

She really has no respect for things.

Accidentally breaking things or imaginative play by cutting dolls hair I don't have a problem with.

She is like Sid in toy story

OP posts:

attheendoftheday · 27/02/2016 00:20

I think you're really U. Any consequences of her being careless or deliberately breaking things need to be at the time. Ruining her birthday at a later time is just unkind!

I think you should allow toys but set ground rules if necessary, e.g. must be picked up after play, no deliberate stomping on things.

Original poster

EveOnline2016 · 27/02/2016 00:23

I guess just at my wits end.

OP posts:

YellowTulips · 27/02/2016 00:25

Can you give more examples?

Your reaction sounds a bit extreme, but your comment about deliberate destruction makes me wonder.

ATM I can't can U or not.

Fatmomma99 · 27/02/2016 00:26

Does she play alone with the toys she damages?

I'm sorry you are feeling like you are at your wits end.

Arfarfanarf · 27/02/2016 00:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SkylarSmile · 27/02/2016 00:29

I think you are being unreasonable, she's very young still. I was quite destructive at that age, I liked making things and breaking things apart to see how they work and at one point switched my dolls heads around etc to try and make a better doll... weird child haha. Perhaps she needs more toys like that? Crafty bits or Lego like things?

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/02/2016 00:32

Not unreasonable. They can still buy her presents, can't they? Maybe a trip to the cinema - nice stuff to do, rather than things?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 27/02/2016 00:37

I strung my Barbie dolls up at that age... Literally hung then from the bar of my velux.

Seriously though, you buy her presents to the point of spoiling her. That's your issue, not hers.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 27/02/2016 00:38

I missed your update, sorry!

FeralBeryl · 27/02/2016 00:42

Have you sat down after the event and asked her why? Is she frustrated because she can't do something or does she vent anger from another source at her toys?

SoThatHappened · 27/02/2016 00:43

What sort of damage though? Damaged beyond repair? Or just a bit messed up?

You know for my 7th birthday I got a pink care bear handbag as one of my presents. I didnt want to lose it. The day I was given it, I got a blue biro pen and wrote my name on the pink fabric. My mum went bonkers, saying I had ruined it, blah blah blah. But years later, it was a link to my past. I used to look at it and see my 7 year old handwriting and feel nostalgic.

Is it that kind of damage, or like ripping the head off a care bear kind of damage?

You dont need to buy her toys at all and she can still have a great birthday. You can get her arts and crafts materials, dressing up costumes, pretty clothes, a nice day out.

SoThatHappened · 27/02/2016 00:44

Oh yeah...lego. It is meant to be broken up in pieces afterwards!

Great idea whoever said that.

FastWindow · 27/02/2016 00:48

No easy answer to this!

Has your dd really never had anything she loved so much she didn't want to break it? At 6, this is a bit Sid, as you say.
So i can understand you not wanting to but new things, only to see them ruined. Toys are pricey these days.

But in the same breath, why is she so destructive?

HPsauciness · 27/02/2016 00:49

So basically you've got everyone else to punish her because you really are struggling at home with discipline?

That sounds a bit harsh, but I don't think telling everyone what a bad child she is is the way forward. What is happening to these toys? Why is every one trashed? Why did you not take them off her after the first trashed toy and only allow them one by one, or find some other consequence?

It's now escalated into a situation in which she is locked into being the awful daughter and you the evil mum (you are not really evil, just how she and then other family members will see it). This is a huge shame as I'm sure you do love her very much but want her to change her behaviour.

With very defiant children, my friend recommended 123 Magic, she did it in parenting classes and it seemed to work very well for her.

I hope you find another way through this, she's still little, she still needs to know you love her and treasure her and think she's ace, but limits need to be set on destructiveness way before birthdays and presents are withdrawn.

FastWindow · 27/02/2016 00:52

Not easy, this parenting lark. Sneaks up on you.

Fatmomma99 · 27/02/2016 01:05

my other thought is - who's toys are they? Yours or your DDs. If they're dd's then aren't they hers to do what she wants with?

FastWindow · 27/02/2016 01:19

fatmomma i agree with you, her toys are hers to do with as she will. And if she breaks them, then she has no toys.
If my dc break their toys, willfully or not, the conversation is very simple - ' you broke your toy. Now it doesn't work. Now you dont have that toy.' consequences, explained, everytime.

thebiscuitindustry · 27/02/2016 01:42

YABU

FastWindow · 27/02/2016 01:46

Don't sit on the fence there biscuit

MyFriendsCallMeOh · 27/02/2016 01:52

Find out why she's doing it, don't just punish her.

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