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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get my DD any toys for her birthday.

58 replies

EveOnline2016 · 26/02/2016 23:59

DD has wrecked everything she had for Christmas. She was very spoiled from Dh and I plus family members.

I have instructed all family members that this year she is to get no toys at all for her 7th birthday. I have told them the reason as she doesn't respect anything and will wreck things.

I want her to respect her things.

A few have agreed but majority is making me out to be a bad guy.

What do I do, I refuse to spend money just for it to be wasted due to her wrecking things.

OP posts:
IPityThePontipines · 27/02/2016 02:00

Is it just the toys that there is a problem with, or is there something else going on?

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/02/2016 02:12

I have instructed all family members that this year she is to get no toys at all for her 7th birthday. That does make you sound a little like a cartoon villain.

Do you think, as her parents, you might want to, you know, work out whats going on and work her through it? Rather than punishing her on her birthday and making every person in your family do the same.

mrtwitsglasseye · 27/02/2016 09:30

YANBU. There are plenty of things they can buy her other than toys. Why buy her things she doesn't value?

Creampastry · 27/02/2016 09:37

At 6 she should know better so yanbu. Ask for clothes and toiletries, boring stuff!

CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt · 27/02/2016 09:41

What about a toy that she can't possibly break - like Lego?

(I appreciate I'm somewhat missing the point here)

Muskateersmummy · 27/02/2016 09:43

So I kind of get what your saying, she has so much she doesn't respect the things she has.

I would start by not gifting toys to her yourself, get her some kind of activity for her birthday, a day trip some where. You could let people know you would prefer people bought her crafty things for her birthday but i think no toys at all is a bit spiteful.

we also do a pre birthday give away to other children the toys you no longer play with. So our dd goes through her toys with us and gives away some to the "younger children"

I think also you need to look to give some consequences for the wilful breaking of toys.

Waypasttethersend · 27/02/2016 09:48

You need to learn why she's breaking things not just ban the things themselves.

slkk · 27/02/2016 09:53

It may not be so simple. At 4 we had continuous issues with dis (adopted) and his destructive behaviour, including sitting and systematically ripping his books and breaking his toys (snapping train tracks etc). There's a thread here somewhere. What helped in the end was completely stripping his room of all toys except the broken ones for a few days while we did other things together (cooking, play do, drawing etc). After this we introduced one toy at a time and swapped them every few days. This seemed to work, and now he is 5 1/2 he is only just able to cope with a more normal arrangement. I know he may have other issues due to his early life experiences, but sometimes this type of destructive behaviour is a sign of something else. Maybe op's dd is overwhelmed with stuff. Maybe this birthday would be a good time to focus on other things: crafty activities and arty things, cookery sets or books, nice clothes, a day out, books, talking books, lessons or an experience she could do with a friend. Children that age sometimes like the adopt a polar bear type gifts. Maybe choose activities that will promote bonding that she will really enjoy. Maybe op could help dd clear her room out of all the broken toys and also all the toys she doesn't really want to give to charity. Perhaps she could then be allowed to choose one special toy for herself which she might look after better.
So op, yanbu, but do look into this behaviour a little deeper.

fuzzpig · 27/02/2016 10:05

Does she actually like the toys she's given?

crispytruffle · 27/02/2016 10:14

I think it is a little harsh. I understand that you want her to respect her things. I am the same with my DD. I have started to eliminate the amount of toys I buy her so that she appreciates them more.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 27/02/2016 10:14

I understand why you're at the end of your tether but I don't think you can veto toys for her birthday. For one, you are putting your problem on to your other relatives who may already know what they're going to buy her and tbh may find it easier to pick up a toy than find something creative.

otoh I do think it's fine to warn them that she is going through a phase of not caring for toys properly. Then it's up to them if they want to spend money on an item that may get broken.

How is your DD getting the opportunity to destroy all her toys? Does she do it in the midst of a temper tantrum? I can't envisage how a 6-yr-old has the freedom to wreck everything.

Didiusfalco · 27/02/2016 10:18

Okay, well you need to buy her a lovely experience - theme park, theatre something she would absolutely love to do, otherwise you are just being mean. Or get everyone to club together for a large toy like a slide that she can't break.

Hulababy · 27/02/2016 10:35

I think you need to focus on dealing with the behaviour at the time: why, what, how, etc. With any sanction done at the time too.

I personally couldn't deal out a punishment at a later date at a birthday. And wouldn't want to insist on my family and friends being part of that punishment ether.

Your Dd does need to earn to respect and look after things, and to learn consequences. But I'm not sure her birthday is the right time.

Hulababy · 27/02/2016 10:36

I think you need to focus on dealing with the behaviour at the time: why, what, how, etc. With any sanction done at the time too.

I personally couldn't deal out a punishment at a later date at a birthday. And wouldn't want to insist on my family and friends being part of that punishment ether.

Your Dd does need to earn to respect and look after things, and to learn consequences. But I'm not sure her birthday is the right time.

gamerchick · 27/02/2016 10:39

I knew someone once who had a grandson who did the same thing.. Would smash his toys up on purpose. So he bought something he really wanted, put it in front of him and smashed it up with a hammer before letting him touch it.

Apparently it worked but I don't think I would have the nerve to do that it made me wince.

Silvercatowner · 27/02/2016 11:00

I used to do major surgery on my barbis, particularly amputations. I also used to cut their hair. It was my way of playing, although I think my mum saw it as 'destroying'. I've grown up reasonably OK, I think I'm a productive member of society..... She may just be expressing creativity in a way that you don't understand.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 27/02/2016 11:05

She may just be expressing creativity in a way that you don't understand

YY it's difficult to know without more detail. I always think when I watch Sid in Toy Story that he's actually quite creative Blush putting a doll's head on a mechanical spider is genius! I know he is the villain of the piece but in RL when toys aren't Tom Hanks in disguise, I don't think that level of both ingenuity and interaction is automatically negative.

May09Bump · 27/02/2016 11:08

Get her three new things for her birthday (let her choose, can be combined ones from family) - have a chat about respect etc and tell her that there will be no more toys until Christmas. Then, if she destroys them - don't replace them. If relatives ask to buy more - ask for activity vouchers or craft boxes which can be used throughout the year.

Keep to your word, there is expressive play and then destructiveness. You do need to stop the later. I can understand your frustration.

Gwenci · 27/02/2016 11:19

I agree with what others have said - it depends how she's destroying them: creative destroying (eg sitting and applying herself to dissecting barbies/pulling things open to see how the work) is quite different to picking up a new toy, chucking it hard on the floor so it smashed and then walking away.

If the latter then personally I think YANBU. Yes, 6 (nearly 7) is young but then at what age do we start teaching our children to respect the things that other people have worked hard to provide for them?

As a compromise (to her and the relatives who would like to buy her toys) could you perhaps let her open her presents and then allow her to choose three to have straight away with the understanding that she can add another to her toy box each week as long as the others are looked after?

Original poster
EveOnline2016 · 27/02/2016 15:29

Ripping heads off all her digi pets, throwing things down the stairs.

Taking things apart and putting electronic toys in the bath.

She is not a naughty child as in every other way I have no problem with her.

It's just very frustrating.

Spoken to family today and said ignore my previous email.

OP posts:
butterflylove16 · 27/02/2016 15:35

Does she have a lot of toys in her room to choose from? I think sometimes too much choice can feel overwhelming. It may be a good idea to take some away and just leave her with a few for now, as it could help her to really enjoy and treasure what she's playing with. Once she seems to be getting bored with the selection she has, just switch them up. I also think a day out for her birthday is a good idea.

FixItUpChappie · 27/02/2016 15:42

Perhaps channel her interest in taking things apart by buying toys specifically made for deconstruction?

I agree that consequences need to be in the moment and natural to the issue. a natural consequence to breaking toys is putting them in the bin and advising they will not be replaced.

Perhaps sit down with her and discuss what is bothering you/her point of view, together decide what the rules for toys are, write them down on poster board, decide on what consequences you both feel are fair, post the rules and follow them.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 27/02/2016 17:34

Is she doing it in anger? Or is that how she plays? If DS throws a toy in anger, I confiscate it. If he is still asking for it back in a few weeks (and hasn't thrown anything in the meantime) then he gets it back. If he doesn't ask for it back then it goes in the charity bag.

ijustwannadance · 27/02/2016 17:44

To me, if she isn't a naughty child in general, she may be just bored and needing more stimulating toys. Or/and she is taking her frustration out about something bothering her on the toys.

Have you discussed it with her and asked why she does it?

RubyRoseViolet · 27/02/2016 18:51

What does she say about it when you ask her?