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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sell the concert tickets

132 replies

FaithlessOne · 26/02/2016 23:18

I am so angry I can't think straight so I need ad

DD (age 12) has done a really stupid thing. She's part of a Minecraft forum and server. Donations to the server are accepted but not compulsory but you get more privileges with donating.

Anyway, I found out tonight that yesterday she donated over £70 of her own money on behalf of other users of the forum. I'm fuming. Yes, it's her money but it's too much and she doesn't know these people..

So, WIBU to sell the concert tickets she begged me for (I bought them last month for £120) to re-coup the money and teach her a lesson?

OP posts:
QueenCarpetJewels · 27/02/2016 02:15

Debbrianabottomburp FFS are 'poor' people not allowed to save up for a treat now and then? Not allowed to have any fun at all? Have you heard yourself? And it's you're, not your

OP Well done on listening to advice/opinions and doing what's fair. On the bright side, your DD sounds kind-hearted and generous (if a bit naughty! Haha)

TitClash · 27/02/2016 02:34

Can you switch to joint bank account for a while, as she clearly cannot manage and adult account yet.

How does an under 18 year old spend that much without the bank flagging the transactions?

She seems a bit immature if she needed to impress all her online 'mates'. And they definitely took advantage of her.
She needs supervising online.

skinoncustard · 27/02/2016 07:28

I don't think your DD is too young for a bank account. You are never too young to learn the value of money. Both my DD's ( now in their 30's) had accounts and bank cards around 12 years old which their family allowance ( child benefit) was paid into . This was theirs to do what they wished with- comics, sweets, New Look crap ! etc . They made a few bad calls but quickly realised when it's gone , it's gone! It was a long few weeks until the next month! They quickly became very good at managing money, we often joke ' give them £10 they will get £20 of value from it )
They didn't have the temptation of the Internet though so I would keep an eye on that,otherwise I don't see a problem with your daughter having access to her pocket money. It's a life skill to look after money.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 27/02/2016 09:32

Way OTT reaction. She broke a rule and their should be consequences of losing the card for a while and better supervision online.

Is there a reason she can't go to school locally so that she can have friends over? If it's just the two of you she must be pretty lonely at times.

MorrisZapp · 27/02/2016 09:56

Glad you've chilled out a bit OP, it must have been a shock to find she'd spent that money.

On a wider note, I have many memories of my own mum going apeshit at me when I behaved in what I now realise was an entirely age appropriate way.

She had impossibly high expectations of our maturity and judgement, then took it out on us for failing. In all honesty, she expected adult behaviour a lot of the time.

We were bright, clever, clued up kids to be sure. But we were still kids. Some of your post resonated a bit as I think your DD might be feeling like I did.

My mum is lovely, but her expectations of children have always been unrealistic and continue to be so.

Kerberos · 27/02/2016 10:28

OP. I think you've had an unfair mauling and actually come back to a reasonable place. My own daughter is only 2 years behind yours :)

I think skinoncustard has it right. We are here to teach them how to be adults by handing over more responsibility to them as they get older. Sometimes we go too fast and have to backtrack but money management and budgeting is a skill some adults struggle with so good to start early.

Shame on all those other 9 people who asked her to pay for them. It's not right. Do you know these people?

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 27/02/2016 10:49

Well done for recognising that selling the tickets was OTT

I agree that the punishment should be taking away her bank card and/or banning her from using online forums for a while. That will teach her the lesson that she has to be responsible to use those things, rather than missing out on an unrelated treat.

Florene · 27/02/2016 10:57

What does she do to earn the pocket money? If nothing, then I would introduce some chores in return for the money, so she starts to appreciate that money is earned and if she then spends it quickly on shit that she will have to work some more to replace it.

Florene · 27/02/2016 11:02

I would look to prevent the online spending though for a bit if possible. Maybe see if there is an option with bank to give a card that doesn't allow this?

I appreciate it's her money etc etc and maybe she will learn from it blah blah blah, but there's also a danger that spending online doesn't feel like spending and until you can be sure she understands this it would make sense to limit the damage.

Florene · 27/02/2016 11:04

You could always set up the banking verification password to one that only you know so she has to get you to input it on purchases online for a while. Or get her a new bank card and scratch off the security code on the back (keeping a record of it yourself).

Original poster
FaithlessOne · 27/02/2016 11:08

She doesn't know the people in person. Just online. We had a chat this morning and she said she did it for one person to be kind then other people asked and she felt sorry for them so just kept paying for whoever asked until she ran out of money.

She does chores for the money. No much but she does earn it.

My reasons for sending her to a school not local are quite involved and related to her 2 disabled siblings. It was the best decision and one she wanted.

I agree I do have unrealistic expectations of her maturity. Her siblings have significant learning difficulties and this has skewed my expectations of her. I need to work on that.

She agrees with the sanctions. No bank card. A Minecraft ban (still debating length of that) and her computer has been moved to the living room so I can keep an eye on her.

OP posts:
NeedACleverNN · 27/02/2016 11:10

Haven't rtft.

It was her money. She has been punished enough as she has lost £70.

If it was your money then yes, sell them. In this case it is a lesson learned

BabyGanoush · 27/02/2016 11:27

sanctions Sad, what a shame.

I would say it was HER money, she learned a useful lesson,and to leave it at that.

Concert tickets have nothing to do with it.

If you give children at this age money to decide for themselves what to do with it, they may make mistakes. But that is to be expected, surely.

My 12 yr old bought a watch, took it to school, lost it during PE. A real shame for him, but it did teach him a lesson about looking after stuff. I did not punish him, neither did I buy him a replacement. In fact I was quite sympathetic, but it was his decision to take it on PE days, so the consequence is his.

If we don't allow our kids to make mistakes, how are they supposed to learn?

wasonthelist · 27/02/2016 11:29

depends on who's playing at the gig :)

Lottie2611 · 27/02/2016 11:30

It's your fault imo. Why is your twelve your old able to access 70 pound and donate it online in the first place! ?!

Grapejuicerocks · 27/02/2016 11:44

I think you are handling it very well. She is in no doubt she has done wrong, will get consequences for disobeying the rules and will have the natural consequences of not having the £70 to spend anymore.

Keeping calm and talking about it will have far more impact than getting angry. If I knew I had disappointed my parents it was far more effective than me being resentful at them being angry at me. Let her know that we all make mistakes but that she should learn from this big one.

One word of caution op. I too, had higher expectations of my older child than my younger because she was older and generally "more mature". It led to jealousy over her younger sibling as he got away with more and ended up with us clashing heads over lots of small things. I had to step back and love bomb her a bit as it wasn't fair to her. We have a fantastic relationship now.

tealoveryum · 27/02/2016 13:38

I think you need to get to the root of her behaviour, whether it is her desperation and need to be seen as a donator or she's just far too gullible to believe sob stories from strangers online, or both OP. Otherwise she could grow into an adult who is constantly submissive to pleasing those who will take advantage, listening and believing an sob story and/or an adult who is a complete doormat doing things to make others like her that are questionable or ultimately hurt her.

She also needs to learn value for money, but having only £10 left to call her own should do that. I'd do as you've said though, taking away minecraft etc, but definitely get to the bottom of her behaviour.

Girlwhowearsglasses · 27/02/2016 14:35

OP I think you are right in your assessment - you might be expecting too much of her. You gave her some responsibility she's not quite ready for with access to money online, and she's learnt her lesson on that one the hard way. Leave it at that, she sounds too kind - be kind to her!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/02/2016 14:50

She donated on behalf of one person, and then others asked her to donate on their behalf too? THAT has made me really cross! How old are these people who were taking advantage of an 11-year-old girl?

I would be very tempted to go onto her Minecraft account and tell these people they should be ashamed of themselves!

mumeeee · 27/02/2016 15:04

Our DDs had bank cards from the age of 14 but they were connected to a young persons account and they couldn't use them online. I think 12 is to young to have a bank card that can be used onlinr.

Pickitup · 27/02/2016 15:06

If your dd donated this money of her own accord, then good for her. I'm wondering if she has been cyber bullied to donate the money though.

stayathomegardener · 27/02/2016 15:06

Hmmm just think of all the merchandise she could have purchased at the concert... Bit mean to point that out I guess.

DD 16 had a bank account at 12, no issues there. I think you are just unlucky or maybe we were lucky with that.

stayathomegardener · 27/02/2016 15:11

Also yes check Minecrafts rules on users coercing others.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 27/02/2016 15:17

Does she write thank yous for Christmas?

Dear granny
Thanks for Xmas cash. I spent It on a total stranger so they could get extra crap in mine craft.

Love dgd xx

OzzieFem · 27/02/2016 15:34

I think you are being very unreasonable. You pay 20 pounds into her account as pocket money per month. The fact that she had 80 pound in her account shows she is not a spendthrift. If your daughter had gone to a shop and bought a game (some of the new ones are more expensive) would you also have been so angry. It's HER pocket money.

Frankly I don't know too many parents who place restrictions of what their children spend their pocket money on, unless it's sweets. I don't see that any further punishment is necessary, and YES OP you have already punished her. Get over it.