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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sell the concert tickets

132 replies

FaithlessOne · 26/02/2016 23:18

I am so angry I can't think straight so I need ad

DD (age 12) has done a really stupid thing. She's part of a Minecraft forum and server. Donations to the server are accepted but not compulsory but you get more privileges with donating.

Anyway, I found out tonight that yesterday she donated over £70 of her own money on behalf of other users of the forum. I'm fuming. Yes, it's her money but it's too much and she doesn't know these people..

So, WIBU to sell the concert tickets she begged me for (I bought them last month for £120) to re-coup the money and teach her a lesson?

OP posts:
Chocoholicmonster · 27/02/2016 00:03

Don't beat yourself up. You're a human, a parent & you're entitled to 'make mistakes'. As are children. You seem to of already put an action plan into place on how to deal with this. Get some rest, sleep on it & then discuss it with your DD tomorrow when your anger has subsided a little. Cake Brew

Gingersstuff · 27/02/2016 00:06

Am I the only one being nosey wondering what the concert is? OP, do tell Grin

LeaLeander · 27/02/2016 00:11

She sounds desperate for others' attention and approval. I would be asking myself why.

Does she have a father in the picture?

AcrossthePond55 · 27/02/2016 00:11

I think she's been punished now (your disapproval and sent to bed), but she'll also be 'punished' in the future when she wants something and won't have the money for it because she chose to give it away.

It was her money and unless you had previously told her that she needed to clear purchases with you, then technically she didn't disobey you. She was foolish, but she didn't disobey.

I think a good discussion about spending wisely, taking care of our own needs vs giving to others, and being taken advantage of by others would be a good thing. I'd also consider whether I wanted to keep her bank card and give it to her when she needed to have it.

I would be also want to talk to her about what these 'others' said or promised her to get her to donate.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/02/2016 00:16

LassWiTheDelicateAir well I suggest you read more than just the first post then before you come in all guns blazing calling her vinductive. The OP has said YWBU, hasn't actually done what she said in the OP and is accepting advice and criticism graciously.

In short RTFT Lass

ofuckit · 27/02/2016 00:17

*She sounds desperate for others' attention and approval. I would be asking myself why.

Does she have a father in the picture?*

Wtf?

Original poster
FaithlessOne · 27/02/2016 00:19

It's 5SOS, the concert.

No father in the picture. She does have issues about this and also attends a school out of the immediate local area so doesn't really socialise outside school hours with her friends yet.

She did disobey me as, although her pocket money is hers, she does have to ask permission to spend anything on or over £10. I do allow 99% of what she requests. Very rare I say no.

OP posts:
LassWiTheDelicateAir · 27/02/2016 00:23

I have read the thread.OP has said this.

*I think the plan is:

  • minecraft ban (for a short while)
  • reinstate rules and boundaries
  • absolutely keep a closer eye on Internet usage
  • take bank card off her*

I think her daughter deserves an apology.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 27/02/2016 00:25

and also attends a school out of the immediate local area so doesn't really socialise outside school hours with her friends yet

So she's lonely, she's making friends online and you come down on her like a ton of bricks?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/02/2016 00:25

Ahhh! See I bet she rationalised that one as "I'm only spending £7 so don't need to ask Mum" then - perhaps it didn't cross her mind that £7 x 10 adds up to really a lot of money?

Although you have also said that she knows what she was doing was wrong, so maybe not.

Anyway, glad you've got your way ahead sorted. I'd still password protect all the tech though and have it linked to my own tech so I could see when she was attempting purchases

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/02/2016 00:26

Lass - wtf does the DD deserve an apology for?! She's the one in the wrong, she never knew her mum was considering selling the tickets - are you thinking straight?

Original poster
FaithlessOne · 27/02/2016 00:27

I think her daughter deserves an apology

What for? I never told her I had considered selling the concert tickets
I told her what she had done was against our rules and I was annoyed and disappointed with her. As it was 9.20pm I told her to go to bed then instead of at 10pm and we'd talk in the morning.

OP posts:
Chocoholicmonster · 27/02/2016 00:27

Her daughter doesn't deserve an apology. She should of asked her mother for permission to spend online - as the OP has said is the agreement. Why should the OP apologise for her daughter breaking the rules? As for asking about fathers & suggesting counselling (LeaLeander) I think you're now being very unreasonable.

Original poster
FaithlessOne · 27/02/2016 00:28

Lass see above. There was no ton of bricks.

Do calm down dear Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
FaithlessOne · 27/02/2016 00:30

Anyway, bedtime for me. Feel free to carry on in my absence Lass

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/02/2016 00:31

"So she's lonely, she's making friends online and you come down on her like a ton of bricks?"

Do you hear yourself? Absolutely her mother should come down hard on this - giving strangers online money to make friends with them - this is potentially very dangerous! Have you not learnt anything about internet safety?!

ClarenceTheLion · 27/02/2016 00:37

If you don't trust her with money, then focus on that. Bans and cancelled concerts would be more suitable punishments for bad behaviour.

Giving money away may be problematic/naive/overly generous, but you're not going to change that by doing something to hurt her.

FeralBeryl · 27/02/2016 00:38

Please don't be too hard on her-this is the modern day version of the poor new kid at school spending all their dinner money on sweets for other kids and going hungry for the day to be liked or popular.
Or freshers week where a naive student spends most of their grant buying shots for strangers to get in with people. Grin
To punish her further would be cruel, it sounds like you are a great mum and are mirroring your anger at yourself about supervision etc towards her.
She's been sent to bed early, she won't have her treat money until next pocket money day, I think she's suffered enough for a 12 year old.
Do not allow her online access to spend - I think that's simply too much responsibility, and I agree that if this was in 10 separate payments, she didn't compute what the end result would be, she probably got such a thrill from being cyber back slapped that she got carried away. Enjoy the concert!

PaulAnkaTheDog · 27/02/2016 00:44

Gobsmacked a 12 year old had online banking facilities with no parental input.

Debbrianabottomburp · 27/02/2016 00:48

Your skint and your spending 120 on tickets?

kali110 · 27/02/2016 00:58

You do not owe your daughter an apology op, at all, she owes you one.
She broke your trust, she knew it was wrong.
I honestly cannot believe some threads today!
At 12 I would know this was completely wrong!
As for being naive to let her have a bank account at that age, really?
I opened my current acc at 13, had a savings acc as a child from my parents!
I was no angel, but i knew to ask if i wanted to take money out.
I wouldn't cancel the concert, but i agree with what another poster put:
wouldn't sell the tickets, no.
I would do what you've already decided:
• Take her bank card
• Take away her access to her bank account for a set period
• Ban her from Minecraft for a set period
• Put restrictions on her tech so that she cannot do payments without your permission (you need to password protect it)
• Have a SERIOUS talk with her about giving money to strangers for no good reason.
These are very very good.
Yes she has lost some money, but she may not see that as a punishment, she needs to know what she did was wrong and that she has let you down.
I assume the money was mainly from you? She needs to realise that you can't just give her money willynilly, you work for it and it takes ages to save this.
Ywbu to think of selling the tickets, you were angry, that's all.

kali110 · 27/02/2016 01:00

Debbrianabottomburp i don't think that is the point of the thread? Even skint people scrimp and save for something they really want. It's really bloody depressing never being able to go or do anything because you are skint.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/02/2016 01:16

OP, you have been remarkable reasonable. You asked, listened and are planning some good consequences.

Some people are way too invested to giving people a kicking so I'd leave the thread now, going, "la la la I can't hear you". Grin

HPsauciness · 27/02/2016 01:16

My dd has a bank card and access to her own money through that, she's 12. They can have one when they turn 11 in their bank. I think it's an excellent idea, they can run to the shops, or go into town with their friends and use their card rather than me having to give them cash, it allows them to control their own money use.

The downside is sometimes they then go and do a daft thing! I can see how your dd got sucked in, £7 doesn't seem so much, but over a few nights it builds up. I don't allow mine to buy anything on the internet ever, unless I give permission, so yes, I would have a sanction- like not playing on the minecraft server for a week. That will be punishment enough as she's payed out to impress/get privileges and now won't get the benefit of them.

I would let her earn back the trust though and give her the card back/allow her on minecraft after a few days, it's not that bad of a mistake and she didn't spend your money unwisely, she spent her own, so the natural consequence is she doesn't have it for other things.

MyFriendsCallMeOh · 27/02/2016 02:03

Please try to find out why she did it, even though she sounds too scared to tell you, there must be a reason. Remember what it was like when you were 12, trying to gain status among peers (even online)? Build understanding, communication, trust and cooperation, otherwise she will just learn to be more secretive and try to hide stuff from you as she grows up.