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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sell the concert tickets

132 replies

FaithlessOne · 26/02/2016 23:18

I am so angry I can't think straight so I need ad

DD (age 12) has done a really stupid thing. She's part of a Minecraft forum and server. Donations to the server are accepted but not compulsory but you get more privileges with donating.

Anyway, I found out tonight that yesterday she donated over £70 of her own money on behalf of other users of the forum. I'm fuming. Yes, it's her money but it's too much and she doesn't know these people..

So, WIBU to sell the concert tickets she begged me for (I bought them last month for £120) to re-coup the money and teach her a lesson?

OP posts:
Original poster
FaithlessOne · 26/02/2016 23:46

Tbh i would also be unhappy about her contacting strangers on forums. She's shown that she is way too trusting and liable to be exploited.

Yes. I'm angry I was lax about this. My fault.

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 26/02/2016 23:47

I think if you punish her it should be related to the crime.

So I'd be closely monitoring her while she's online - because she's shown that she's got the chance of being easily led online.

Remove the bank card - she's shown she can't respect the rules about not spending without permission (if she wasn't allowed to spend without asking - if she was then you need to set new rules).

And have a bloody long chat with her about protecting herself from people who'll accept or encourage her to do things that benefit them and not her.

Original poster
FaithlessOne · 26/02/2016 23:48

I think the plan is:

  • minecraft ban (for a short while)
  • reinstate rules and boundaries
  • absolutely keep a closer eye on Internet usage
  • take bank card off her
OP posts:
Loqo · 26/02/2016 23:48

I don't know how it works with minecraft but is there a way of contacting them and explaining what happened. Is there a possibility that you might get the money back?

Fooshufflewickbannanapants · 26/02/2016 23:48

Good plan.

lalalalyra · 26/02/2016 23:49

I also think you need to balance out the anger and work out if you are angrier at her or yourself. I had this recently with my DD2 and I had to accept that I was livid with myself because it was my being too trusting/lax that let her get into the situation. It wasn't fair to punish her for my fuck up, instead she had to miss out (hers was giving a loan of something expensive to someone and they broke it deliberately) on the thing and suffer long lecture and closer supervising.

Justaboy · 26/02/2016 23:50

I bet she's learnt her lesson. One of my daughters did a similar thing years ago at about that age, not a lot of money but to this day she'll always help someone when she can, she won't taken advantage of as such but shes kind and generous by her nature, and that's why I think the world of her.

Let her go to the concert please:-)

lalalalyra · 26/02/2016 23:50

I think that sounds like a good plan. Maybe a good chat about internet safety and people being willing to take money from you not equalling good friends too.

Loqo · 26/02/2016 23:50

I wouldn't worry about other players having their 'donater' status removed.

serin · 26/02/2016 23:51

YABVU

And you need to supervise her use of the internet more than you have been doing.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 26/02/2016 23:53

I can't think of a more unreasonable post in a long time.

She is 12. You are an adult.

You have allowed a 12 year old to have her own bank card, which seems astonishingly naive on your part.

I don't know what Minecraft is. I assume you do and I assume you knew (you did know didn't you) how it works. Knowing that you let her continue

It is her money. Her money - to spend on what she wants. Lots of people get suckered into donating. We hear reports of grown ups giving away far more than they can afford to charity or just being taken in by scams. Do you ever listen to Money Box on Radio 4? These are adults. She is 12

So far as selling the tickets- how spiteful and cruel. Do you think she's not feeling bad enough already?

ofuckit · 26/02/2016 23:54

op yes it was silly of her, but IMO she's too young to have access to spending money online & to not get ripped off - so i don't think it's her fault.

Yes you were lax about it, but you realise that now, these things happen...

Is it even legal for her to be 'donating' money online at the age of 12? My son once paid for some ridiculous text service thing which cost $$$ - I complained to the company and threatened them with Trading Standards and got a refund. Worth a try?

Original poster
FaithlessOne · 26/02/2016 23:55

I totally agree I have been lax and too trusting. I am finding it hard to get the balance right between being over-protective and letting her have some independence and showing I trust her.

I am angry with myself more than her and I let this affect my reaction tonight.

OP posts:
bettythebuilder · 26/02/2016 23:55

I think it would be fairer to drop her pocket money to 10 quid a month for the next 7 months. Maybe then spend the £70 on her Christmas presents so she's being 'punished' for her daftness (to hopefully stop her doing something like this in future) but isn't totally loosing out iyswim. I would be very upset if dd (similar age & into minecraft) did this!

Original poster
FaithlessOne · 26/02/2016 23:56

I can't think of a more unreasonable post in a long time.

You mustn't read AIBU much then. Wink

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 26/02/2016 23:56

Firstly, contact the forum. They shouldn't have taken payments from a 12 year old and should refund you. They won't want to be shut down.

Next, decide if your daughter is mature enough for a bank account. If she is, you can guide her on money but you can't punish her for spending it the wrong way. If she's not - and she's probably not, at 12 - keep her bank card so that temptation doesn't become too much.

All 12 year olds have a go at buying popularity if they get the chance. It's a life lesson. She'll regret it next time she wants to buy something (and you could reveal later that you managed to the get the money back, if you wanted).

It is tough, especially if you know she can be mature and you've got money worries, but you trusted her with her card. She hasn't done anything wrong, in that sense. She made a bad financial decision but it's her money. The natural consequences are enough here. She doesn't need another punishment. She didn't steal your card, or a tenner, or run up debt.

She'll regret it when the forum strangers realise she has no more money and move onto someone else, and when she wants money.

AndNowItsSeven · 26/02/2016 23:56

The problem is you allowing your dd to be exploited. Contact the forum and ask the money back , I doubt it's even legally for her to give this money given her age.
As for calling her deceitful and sneaky that really saddens me. Your dd was , exploited, naive and kind.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/02/2016 23:57

I wouldn't sell the tickets, no.
I would do what you've already decided:
• Take her bank card
• Take away her access to her bank account for a set period
• Ban her from Minecraft for a set period
• Put restrictions on her tech so that she cannot do payments without your permission (you need to password protect it)
• Have a SERIOUS talk with her about giving money to strangers for no good reason
• If she's not already involved, show her how much it costs to run a household - food bills, utility bills etc, and show her what that £70 could have achieved.

She needs to realise the value of money as well as just how to save/spend it sensibly.

Once you've done all that, then she's got a few weeks to redeem herself to go to the concert - plus you've still got that in hand if she does anything else dreadful between now and then.

lalalalyra · 26/02/2016 23:57

I think its very fair of you to admit you are more angry with yourself.

lalalalyra · 26/02/2016 23:59

Also don't be too hard on yourself or her. It's not that different to all the kids who've bought other kids sweets and pop in a bid to buy more friends/seem cool. It's just a very modern way of doing it.

Original poster
FaithlessOne · 26/02/2016 23:59

I don't think allowing a 12 year old to have a bank card is so naive. Even now.

Ok selling the tickets might have been spiteful but I'm not going to do it. I knew in my heart it was wrong. Like I said, I'm angry at myself. The other ticket was for me so I would have lost out as well!

OP posts:
Original poster
FaithlessOne · 27/02/2016 00:00

No, she was sneaky and deceitful. She said she knew she was breaking the rules but did it anyway but she doesn't know why.

OP posts:
Justaboy · 27/02/2016 00:01

FaithlessOne don't beat yourself up over it lessons have been learnt by you and her.

As to bank cards I had to trust one of my girls with one as she commuted to school quite a distance away and it was there should she have needed it in an emergency or something went amiss like the train was cancelled and she needed to eat etc but she didn't abuse it and learnt how to handle money responsibility.

Original poster
FaithlessOne · 27/02/2016 00:02

Thank you all for your replies. I only feel slightly mauled and I have my way forward. Flowers

OP posts:
LassWiTheDelicateAir · 27/02/2016 00:02

I can't think of a more unreasonable post in a long time.

You mustn't read AIBU much then

Far too much.

I can't think of a post where someone has been so vindictive towards a 12 year old who has been very silly but has harmed no one other than herself. I'm pleased you can see how you are in the wrong.