More a WWYD - Wife's make-up

[Collaborate]

Hoping for some world advice from the MN jury here

My wife went out last night to a formal black-tie dinner (work related - posh professional do). She booked in to one of those places before she came home to change - the type that will style your hair and do your make-up. She wore one of her many elegant dresses, and had by all accounts an enjoyable time. I told her she looked lovely.

Now, here's the dilemma. I thought that she had too much make-up on, and I wasn't too impressed with her hair as well.

She is one of those women who wears no make-up on a day to day basis. It suits her. When she puts make-up on herself, and styles her own hair, it is very understated, elegant, and she really looks, to me, the most beautiful woman in the world. It suits her personality. I thought last night's make-up hid her natural beauty, the eye make-up was too severe, and it almost felt like whoever applied it, felt she needed more on to try and hide her age (I seem to recall last time this happened my wife saying something similar). Don't get me wrong here - she doesn't need to hide her age. She's late 40s, and has a lovely complexion. Although it's not the complexion of a 20 year old, she needs very little make-up to look her best.

So - do I mention this to her, as above, or do I say nothing?

The whole "I would want my husband to tell me if I looked bad so I didn't get laughed at" attitude baffles me. What's being said here is not that you objectively look bad but that you look bad in your husband's opinion; why does that have more value than your own opinion? No wonder people don't feel confident in their own choices if they keep changing their look based on other people's opinions.

Where are these events where adults laugh at each other for (for example) wearing heavy make up anyway? And if this happened why wouldn't you just think fuck off you shallow bunch of sheep?

I don't think you have much understanding of what it is to have low self-esteem and negative amounts of confidence in the validity of your own opinion, Teddyroll. You should be happy about that, really. It indicates that you're mentally healthier than most. Spare a thought for those of us not similarly blessed though, please.

That you didn't like her 'less natural/understated than usual' look, and think she should be replicating her 'natural' make-up for your wedding day for special occasions suggests to me that at some level you're uneasy with a more obviously artificial/'sexy' evening look for somewhere she was going without you, and in fact you're trying to reassert control retrospectively by giving her your opinion, unasked for.

Well, I didn't think I'd have to wait until page 4 before I was accused of this, so all in all thanks nearly everyone for a generally positive and constructive response to my question.

And for what it's worth, I'm sure that no one laughed at her. As I pointed out in my original post, she was attending a posh professional do, not a party for 5 year olds.

Luckily, my wife and I have the kind of marriage where we still value the other's opinion. I would not want, though, to cause upset by sharing that opinion with her in an insensitive manner.

(retreats slowly from the room)

At no point does op say his wife looked ridiculous or terrible. He just said he prefers it when she does her make up herself.

I'm sure she looked lovely - just not in the way op finds her loveliest!

la contessa you're right, I am lucky not to need that validation and I didn't mean to sound dismissive.

I just think as a PP said, people can have reasons for commenting on appearance that may be to do with control, jealousy, their own insecurity etc. And a healthy self-esteem needs to come from an internal feeling of worth, not external validation. Especially when we're not talking about loving compliments but negative statements based on someone else's subjective taste.

Easier said than done to get that confidence I know.

I think she might very well share your opinion to some degree if she usually opts for a more natural look.

But it's her face and the make up is only skin deep - only for one night out.
I'd think maybe she's more up for being a bit adventurous with her look/ putting it in someone else's hands for a night out than you seem to be (for her!)

It's like when I go to the hairdressers I'm generally fairly "do whatever you like with it" as I feel it might be interesting and it 'll always grow out anyway.

You do come across as ever so slightly possessive of your wife and her face/look
I think the key feedback is it's her face!

Oh boy! You have so much to learn about women, Op!

Apologies for not having RTFT, but the answer to OPs question is 'Nothing'.

If in the future she wants to go back to be done up for another posh do you could say something then, otherwise leave it.

A certain kind of man who is very invested in his wife looking 'natural', especially in terms of her 'looking her best' with minimal or no makeup does so because he is insecure about a more made-up look he seems as too obviously 'sexy' or attention-getting.
There may well be a "certain kind of man" who thinks like this but I really don't get that impression of the OP!
Nothing at all in any of his posts suggest that he is in any way insecure about his wife or this was anything to do with control.
He does sound genuine and lovely and just wants her to know that she doesn't need to be plastered in makeup to look glamorous and she is better at doing it herself.

Not read all the posts, but here's my tuppence worth. I'd be quite relaxed if DH said "I didn't really like the make up they did for you the other night" (subject to me not being in a bad mood at the time!!). I sometimes have my hair blow dried straight for "dos" and he is happy to tell me he doesn't like it! I do quite like it, so I carry on getting it done when I want to, and he has to lump it! I happily tell him if his trousers are too short/new hat looks weird/shoes don't go etc and he (I hope!) doesn't mind the opinion, and maybe even finds it useful. That is what we are there for isn't it?

And I think generally those places that do your make up for you do over do it, so it probably did look weird on her if she doesn't usually use much make up. And it should be fine for you to say that!

Thanks Teddy. The problem with not valuing your own opinion is that you tend to place disproportionate value on those of others, which are of course not always disinterested-yet-well-meaning. It's an added peril of lack of confidence, unfortunately.

Op's wife sounds relatively robust however, which is great!

Why all the assumptions that Collaborate is a man?

I was wondering that too, JessieMJ.

Why all the assumptions that Collaborate is a man?

I was wondering that too, JessieMJ.

Good point.

Will have a look later and confirm.

DH prefers it when I don't wear makeup. I mainly don't but he knows I will occasionally do when we go out - and then I don't wear much.

Personally, I wouldn't mind it when I was showing you the photos of the event, you said 'I think you do your makeup better than they did' and then explained something about it being more flattering or something.

But then I am firmly of the less is more school for makeup anyway and think that more is ageing.

The thing is, just because you didn't like it doesn't mean she didn't look good. I don't think it's reasonable to expect your opinions on your wife's make up to trump her own. Also, she can go out looking over made up if she likes. As other posters have pointed out, it's her face.

Arf at the Don Tillman quip by fivefootsix

Collaborate I also think you sound lovely. I wouldn't have a problem with my DH tactfully mentioning his opinion.

Am stupified at posters reading "control" and "over investment" into this

Is he not entitled to an opinion? Is he not entitled to have a thread that is merely musing like thousands of other threads? To not be sure of the best course of action? To seek others opinions, take the majority on board with fair, thankful grace? Because that's exactly what's happened with zero other agenda as far as I can see.

Err, because collaborate got married more years ago to his wife than would be possible if they were both women?

Sounds like a good choice of (in)action, OP!

OP I hate it when someone asks me if I like something such as a new hairstyle, dress etc. If you give an honest answer you may offend the recipient, but equally I hate lying, so generally I tend to divert the conversation. Perhaps commenting/inquiring on the what the shade of lipstick or eyeshadow is called.

If someone doesn't ask for a direct comment then I don't make one. Chickenhearted, I know, but it's not a winnable situation.

I'm reading over-investment in his post. His tone is incredibly portentous, as if his wife had gone out to commit a robbery/get an all-over tattoo rather than go to a one-off formal do with an over-made-up face (in his view) and a hairdo he 'wasn't too impressed with either'.

I cannot imagine thinking my opinion was important enough in the scheme of things to go on a male Internet forum to dissect disapprovingly my husband's appearance at a social event I wasn't even at, and to ask a bunch of anonymous men whether I should make my all-important opinion felt after the event, so that he never again makes the mistake of getting a temporary look I don't like. He's not an aspect of me, and I don't own his appearance. If he asks which suit, of course I say, but I'm nit going to tell him I think he looked over-elaborate and aged several days after an event.

And as I said above, there's a long tradition of the apparently complimentary 'I prefer my wife without makeup' in fact meaning 'Make-up is a way of signalling sexual availability to other men, so inappropriate for my wife'.

there's a long tradition of the apparently complimentary 'I prefer my wife without makeup' in fact meaning 'Make-up is a way of signalling sexual availability to other men, so inappropriate for my wife'.

In your experience perhaps that's right. In my world, not.

And as I said above, there's a long tradition of the apparently complimentary 'I prefer my wife without makeup' in fact meaning 'Make-up is a way of signalling sexual availability to other men, so inappropriate for my wife'.

I think this is probably true of some men, but hardly all. My husband prefers me without makeup, and is decidedly not the jealous type.

i think it's ok to have two personas. a more made up face for work. and then natural for home/friends.

OP, you seem a little too concerned with what is a very, very, very small problem. Do you need to work a bit harder, think a bit less?

Good God this thread grew arms and legs! That's all.

OP I agree with you these make up artists trowel the make up on and it looks awful. I can't stand the over done look with harsh eye shadow, false lashes, heavy eyebrows and loads of blusher. Glad you took the advice not to say anything to her.

Good grief, some people are reading more in to this than is necessary. You sound lovely op. I think he gets it people.

Good grief, some people are reading more into this than is necessary. I think you sound lovely op. He's got the message people.