More a WWYD - Wife's make-up

[Collaborate]

Hoping for some world advice from the MN jury here

My wife went out last night to a formal black-tie dinner (work related - posh professional do). She booked in to one of those places before she came home to change - the type that will style your hair and do your make-up. She wore one of her many elegant dresses, and had by all accounts an enjoyable time. I told her she looked lovely.

Now, here's the dilemma. I thought that she had too much make-up on, and I wasn't too impressed with her hair as well.

She is one of those women who wears no make-up on a day to day basis. It suits her. When she puts make-up on herself, and styles her own hair, it is very understated, elegant, and she really looks, to me, the most beautiful woman in the world. It suits her personality. I thought last night's make-up hid her natural beauty, the eye make-up was too severe, and it almost felt like whoever applied it, felt she needed more on to try and hide her age (I seem to recall last time this happened my wife saying something similar). Don't get me wrong here - she doesn't need to hide her age. She's late 40s, and has a lovely complexion. Although it's not the complexion of a 20 year old, she needs very little make-up to look her best.

So - do I mention this to her, as above, or do I say nothing?

dumbledore, I've already posted to explain three times.

The OP did an OTT 'OMG I will waterboard myself'. I replied with that. I didn't mean it!

Can't you tell from my first post, which, you'll notice, isn't exactly 'burn the heathen man' in tone?

I would want my husband to tell me if I thought I was wearing too much makeup because I have a hunch I can get carried away at times.

Before, not after, and with plenty of time in advance, and with plenty of love.

The professional makeup artists get carried away even more than I do, and I agree with the others who have said she probably was aware of the fact that it was a bit too much.

For the avoidance of doubt, I do not have a problem with JeanneDeMontbaston.

However, I did not post that I would waterboard myself. I remarked: Have already accepted I should say nothing unless she straps me in a chair and waterboards me to force an opinion.

It is the fashion. Sometimes you just have to go with the fashion or you feel washed up and dowdy, even if it is not what suits you personally. This sounds like one of those occasions. It was done properly so it would have been fine.

As someone said, it probably looked the part, with evening lighting and on the photos, as long as she felt and looked confident with it.

So you did the right thing by saying she looked nice.

I wouldn't say anything after the event and pop her bubble . If it was too much, she may decide later on that it was not her thing, but I wouldn't agree with that too wholeheartedly either . Just say she does an awfully good job herself and always looks beautiful anyway (if you have to).

Otherwise, just get on with loving her the way she is.

Say nothing, I'd be furious if my partner commented negatively on my appearance.

Please don't let your wife waterboard you though [worried]

I'm not judging consenting adults for waterboarding any way around.

no, you never HAVE to go with the fashion unless you a sheep. You do need to dress appropriately for an occasion (witness the woman in the walking-the-dog outfit at the BAFTAS) but makeup is never compulsory.

if she liked it, fine. If she asks your opinion, give it. If not, don't - that's common courtesy for everyone so it particularly applies between partners!

inch thick slap and overstyled hair does roughen up most people, as is visible in any 'with and without' photo, (and why many bridegrooms get a nasty shock!) but if she likes the look, that's entirely her call.

Sadly many go out looking like overpainted clowns. As long as they feel good its all that matters.

Everyone else has already given good advice about not saying anything, and you've taken it on board with good grace.

Just a couple of things I'd add.

From your OP I don't think that you went with her to the event so you only saw her at home before she left.

The lighting in your home would have been very different from that at the black tie event. Often natural or understated makeup can look too washed out under event lighting and/or in photographs taken at night. Therefore the look would probably have been more appropriate once she got to the event. I don't wear much either but I often arrive events like this and wish I'd been braver. It can also be fund to try something a bit more daring for a change! You also don't know what the prevailing look was amongst her professional colleagues or clients - if, for example, there were lots of southern European or Middle Eastern women there, they'd probably have been very heavy on the slap and would have gone all out with professional updos.

The other thing that slightly concerned me was your comment that your wife has never looked lovelier than on your wedding day. I understand the sentiment but the subtext is "so it's all been downhill from there". Possibly better just to say, if the subject comes up, that she looked absolutely beautiful on your wedding day rather than suggesting she's never looked that good since .

Loving this thread 1.I had no idea Collaborate was a male. 2. Boffin Mum used to be a singer!

Well, if her own husband can't politely and gently give his opinion or advice who can? Of course she can use her own judgement and make her own decision afterwards. Women like being given advice by their friends or magazines so you shouldn't have to worry or think twice about doing the same. I always tell my husband my opinion if I don't like what he wears. Sometimes he agrees but most of the time he still follows what he wants.

It's nobody else's business what you tell your wife as long as you don't want to force your way. Couples should be able to tell one another such things and I am sure they do. No point asking here for advice

JeanneDeMontbaston
Sorry, I was just so astonished by your post, I responded without reading further. Had I done so, I would have seen others had already responded to you and kept quiet as usual myself

I wouldn't say anything. I've had previous partners tell me afterwards that they didn't like my dress/hair/make up after an event - always, now I think about it, cos it was too much/too fancy/too done up. It's humiliating and hurtful. I know now that nice guys who really care NEVER do that kind of thing.

Collaborate you sound like a kind and lovely spouse.

I booked hair/make-up for my wedding, mostly because I have no confidence in my own ability to do either of them and especially so for a formal event. I was happy enough on the day but my (now) DH did say later on that I didn't really look like me. I value knowing that, because I have no faith in my own opinion when it comes to these matters; I really have no clue most of the time if I look like shit (unless messy/dirty, obv) or if I look supremely elegant or if I look just plain daft. I rely on others to let me know, because my own opinion always seems to be at odds with the majority and I don't want to end up being laughed at.

Therefore if I were in your wife's position I'd want to know your opinion (albeit in a very gentle 'while I thought you looked lovely last night darling, I much prefer the way you do your own hair/make-up day-to-day as it makes you look really lovely and fresh' over-egg it as you please).

However if she is unlikely to use such a service again then I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Perhaps how she looked was suited to the occasion though or she knew that others would be doing the same?

I rarely wear make up & when I do I never that confident about how it looks, so I can see the appeal of having it done professionally in certain circs.

And of course if she liked it then why shouldn't she use it again?

I suppose in future Op could say that it might be ott for a certain event or that her prefers how she does it, but it is of course still up to her.

Be grateful that she didn't roll in and collapse in an alcohol induced mess on the doormat moaning 'help me to bed' and then wake from a coma in morning with said makeup smeared all over her face as happened last time I attended a social event. Whoops.

if my partner criticised my makeu AFTER the event, I would be really hurt. He may as well say "you know when you went out last night. You really looked shit and everyone was laughing at you"

If you told me before the event that you thought I should tone down the makeup, that would be different.

If she's planning to go back to the same person for her make up again then just give her a slightly gentler version of what you've written in you OP which i thought was pretty lovely about her anyway. If not then forget it. It'll be ancient history soon.

I've only ever had my make up done professionally twice, and both times reminded me of the Simpsons episode where Homer invents a make up gun;

I'm thinking of calling them for their assistance with my DS on World Book Day as he wants to go as an Oompa Loompa!

I can't believe how many people are saying this man seems "lovely" - he posted on an Internet forum to ask whether he should tell his wife she looked shit and overdone the other night when she went out without him. Why is he still even thinking about this if he's not overly invested in her appearance??

Unless you've been asked for your opinion or you're paying a compliment I don't think it's appropriate or kind to comment on someone's appearance, including one's spouse.

The whole "I would want my husband to tell me if I looked bad so I didn't get laughed at" attitude baffles me. What's being said here is not that you objectively look bad but that you look bad in your husband's opinion; why does that have more value than your own opinion? No wonder people don't feel confident in their own choices if they keep changing their look based on other people's opinions.

Where are these events where adults laugh at each other for (for example) wearing heavy make up anyway? And if this happened why wouldn't you just think fuck off you shallow bunch of sheep?

Why all the assumptions that Collaborate is a man?

OP must be really bothered by his wifes appearance to post on MN

OP, you seem heavily invested in your wife's make-up for a one-off occasion you weren't attending.

That you didn't like her 'less natural/understated than usual' look, and think she should be replicating her 'natural' make-up for your wedding day for special occasions suggests to me that at some level you're uneasy with a more obviously artificial/'sexy' evening look for somewhere she was going without you, and in fact you're trying to reassert control retrospectively by giving her your opinion, unasked for.

A certain kind of man who is very invested in his wife looking 'natural', especially in terms of her 'looking her best' with minimal or no makeup does so because he is insecure about a more made-up look he seems as too obviously 'sexy' or attention-getting.

This may not, obviously, be the case here, but it doesn't strike me as accidental that the way the OP feels his wife 'should' look on special occasions is the way she looked on her wedding day (which was all about her marrying him).

Another thing is the OP clearly doesn't realise that a huge amount of 'work' in fact often goes into a 'natural' look in terms of make-up. Look up a Youtube tutorial.

Ha haBadgers same experience here. Luckily my family saw my angst and laughed in my face so that I felt ok to trowel it all off again and put on some appropriate make-up. Much to the disgust of ex SIL who wanted all the bridesmaids in the same make-up, which was bright pink lipstick with cornflower blue and purple eyeshadow along with tide marks from bright orange foundation.