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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My kids have just made me cry... Aibu to take them home?

55 replies

TaraBoxBrain · 20/02/2016 16:38

DH and I divorced 2 years ago. Long story, my mother who I've always had issues with took his 'side' and he now lives with her while waiting for new mortgage

We have 3 DC, 5, 8 and 10.

I have them 4 days a week, he has them 2/3.

I live with my partner and am 3 months pregnant, not planned. Nobody knows yet.

Ex DH has just returned from taking them on a break to his parents house at the seaside with his GF. They had an amazing time.

I wanted to take them away too, pretty short on money at the moment but found a nice farm a couple of hours away for 3 days. I told ex DH I was worried they might not have as good a time with me and that is find it difficult on my own. He said just let them do what they want to do and it'll be fine....

So, I've taken them out, had lunch out, bought them some bits and generally had fun.

Get back to farm, I'm exhausted, have little lie down and say they can watch one episode of some minecraft programme. They watch two and go to put another on, refuse to give remote back and when I take the remote they tell me they had a much better time with daddy, I'm lazy because I've just been asleep and start to sing a song about what a slob I am while dancing around. I definitely not a slob!

I said I'll happily take them back today and they say good. I'm not crying in the bathroom. I feel awful, should I take them home or am I being hormonal? They have had a lovely two days and I don't know what more I could have done?

OP posts:
Room101isWhereIUsedToLive · 20/02/2016 16:41

I think you need to tell them why you are tired. If you have had the twelve week scan anyway.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 20/02/2016 16:42

Don't take them home! You're the adult - don't escalate the drama.

Dry your eyes and get out of the bathroom. Tell them - briefly - that what they safe was unkind and made you sad. That you really love spending time with them and it hurt your feelings when they said they aren't enjoying themselves. If they're anyway decent they'll feel at least slightly chastened by that. Then tell them never to call you or anyone else a slob again.

Then just pick up from where you left off. Only a few hours until bed and try and make tomorrow a nice day

KittyandTeal · 20/02/2016 16:42

They're dancing around singing about you being a slob?

Yep, pack their shit up, stick them in the car and drive them home. They need to know they can't talk to you like that.

It's hard when they get to do whatever they want with one parent but I guarantee it'll come and bite him in the ass later

Original poster
TaraBoxBrain · 20/02/2016 16:43

My twelve week scan is on Monday. I'm having the Nuchal test so we were planning to let people know when we get the results.

OP posts:
TitClash · 20/02/2016 16:44

YANBU, you are being undermined by your bitch of an excuse for a mother and your ex.
Letting kids behave this way is going to backfire on them. Take them home. Go home and put your feet up.

ArkATerre · 20/02/2016 16:45

I'm with Gobbolino. Riot act about being rude and ungrateful and how they have no right to talk to you like that, then carry on with your plans.
It doesn't matter (to them) why you are tired, only that their behaviour has been bad and they need to think on about that.

Original poster
TaraBoxBrain · 20/02/2016 16:47

They do get to do pretty much what they want at their fathers. My mother is there too (they live together Hmm) and always has a lot of activities lined up for them. They play on iPads and watch a lot of tv. They take taken out all over the place .They rarely get told off.

I feel as though I'm really on my own during my time with them. I don't like them sitting in front of screens all day and so they can't wait to get back to their fathers.

OP posts:
CooPie10 · 20/02/2016 16:47

Wow they are being ungrateful brats aren't they. Pack their stuff and take them home. Calling you a slop, damn cheeky things. They don't have much respect for you it seems.

YouTheCat · 20/02/2016 16:47

No way would I tolerate kids talking to me like that.

They'd be home and having the most boring last day of the holidays ever and they'd know it was their own fault for being so utterly disrespectful.

fuzzywuzzy · 20/02/2016 16:49

Kids will act out if you don't set boundaries.

Totally reprimand them for being rude to you.

But don't cut the holiday short, put it behind you (after punishing the DC) and have a good time.
Maybe wind down early today and put kids to bed early. They sound tired and overexcited.

Haffdonga · 20/02/2016 16:49

Forget showing them consequences etc just for now, This is your holiday too. So, do you want to go home?

If yes, pack up and go. No problem.
If no, tell them you are on holiday. You are going to lie down again and they can clear up and help to make tea and let them put the Minecraft show on again

Be kind to yourself.

flippinada · 20/02/2016 16:50

Poor you! YANBU to be upset but don't pack up and go home, you will all end up feeling rotten and makes it all a bigger deal than it needs to be.

Do tell them thought that what they said was unacceptable because it was unkind and made mum upset and decide on an appropriate/proportionate punishment.

I suspect there has been some shit stirring from your mum and XH and they are parrotting what they've heard or been told to say by them. I also think that you need, for your own sake, to stop asking your XH's opinion on things because I'm afraid all that business about the holiday is playing into his hands.

insan1tyscartching · 20/02/2016 16:51

I'd definitely be marching them back home and they'd not be setting eyes on a screen for the whole of the time that they would have been away. Totally unacceptable behaviour from them and any consequence you choose would be well deserved.

Birdsgottafly · 20/02/2016 16:54

Did they get caught up in silliness and sang the song? I'm not excusing it, but I had three children and that can happen. It isn't meant, mine (now adults) laugh about the stuff that they used to do.

Make it clear that they've crossed a boundary.

If they couldn't watch Mine rage, was there something else?

I upped the allowed television time, when I had to, when pregnant etc.

startingmylifeagain · 20/02/2016 16:54

They're being brats but don't act rashly. I'm unsure as to whether you should tell them about your pregnancy yet or not ? In the sense it may cause further emotional discussions /rows/tears. Only you can judge.

I wouldn't let them be rude to you, however. I would personally give them one more chance to behave themselves but if they continue to play up and show a lack of gratitude for what you have given them then YANBU to follow through with your threat to take them home.

timeKeepingOnMars · 20/02/2016 16:54

My DC don't have separated parents - though GP have tried undermining.

My DC know that they need to speak to me with respect and if they don't they are called on it and there are consequences. Doesn't matter what GP say or what they can get away with at their house - what I say goes and when with me they listen to me.

I suspect half the problem is your exhausted with the early pg - and less able to cope with their behaviour and they may well sense this and are playing up accordingly - though it may well be they are being egged on my your mother and ex.

Leave when you want - and mean time read them the riot act and tell them how they have upset you.

flippinada · 20/02/2016 16:54

Oh, and congratulations on your pregnancy! Flowers

Lweji · 20/02/2016 16:55

I think I'd be sitting them, explaining that you are pregnant and that pregnant women get incredibly tired. That mum needs their help and cooperation so that everyone has a good time. And ask them what they prefer.

Birdsgottafly · 20/02/2016 16:55

I should have added, I don't think you should go home.

ghostyslovesheep · 20/02/2016 16:55

punish them for being rude - take the remote off them

They are kids - you need to get over the hurtful stuff really as the adult - my ex is minted and buys them whatever they want - I get that thrown at me loads and I wish I lived with Daddy, I want to go to Daddy's I wish OW was my mum etc etc - you have to perfect the ability to smile sweetly and say 'that's nice dear, pass the ketchup'

Tomorrow is another day - have a nice bath and some sleep x

Birdsgottafly · 20/02/2016 16:57

I wouldn't tell them your pregnant, you don't how it will go down and the holiday will have been a waste of time.

Try to enjoy the rest of it and pick a good moment, when home.

bodenbiscuit · 20/02/2016 16:57

They're children and you're the adult - you need to set a good example to them - not rush home when the going gets tough. It's part of childhood for kids to do this sort of thing.

However, early pregnancy is extremely tiring. You should tell them what is going on. Try to enjoy the rest of your break X

bodenbiscuit · 20/02/2016 16:59

Can people stop calling the ops children 'brats'?

Original poster
TaraBoxBrain · 20/02/2016 17:02

Thanks all Thanks

I've just say them down and explained how upset and hurt I was and that they cannot treat people like that. It's the first time it's happened so in hopeful it's nipped it in the bud...

They are not having tv for the remainder of the hol, due to leave tmrw morning anyway.

They are currently setting up jigsaws and the scrabble board.

They were suitably sheepish and looked genuinely sad when I sat them down for the talk...

OP posts:
Youarentkiddingme · 20/02/2016 17:02

Don't go home if you want to stay.

Tell your DCs that they clearly pick up language they shouldn't and copy it so that means they have to stop watching you tube. Tell them when they've apologised properly you'll get on and cook dinner.

They know where they've heard it - kids that age don't have language like that from no where - especially a 5yo. Hopefully it'll make them think about repeating things in future.

One thing though is that they are likely tired. It's half term and they've been away with dad and then mum straight away. It's a lot for young children.

Can I ask if you felt you had to take them away because dad did? Do you feel some sort of competition and need to keep up with what dad provides because of the situation with your mum?

You don't need to ask your ex advice or opinion on anything. You are a mum of 3 - if you have confidence and self respect for yourself you'll probably find your children's opinion and attitude towards you improves.