Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

My kids have just made me cry... Aibu to take them home?

55 replies

TaraBoxBrain · 20/02/2016 16:38

DH and I divorced 2 years ago. Long story, my mother who I've always had issues with took his 'side' and he now lives with her while waiting for new mortgage

We have 3 DC, 5, 8 and 10.

I have them 4 days a week, he has them 2/3.

I live with my partner and am 3 months pregnant, not planned. Nobody knows yet.

Ex DH has just returned from taking them on a break to his parents house at the seaside with his GF. They had an amazing time.

I wanted to take them away too, pretty short on money at the moment but found a nice farm a couple of hours away for 3 days. I told ex DH I was worried they might not have as good a time with me and that is find it difficult on my own. He said just let them do what they want to do and it'll be fine....

So, I've taken them out, had lunch out, bought them some bits and generally had fun.

Get back to farm, I'm exhausted, have little lie down and say they can watch one episode of some minecraft programme. They watch two and go to put another on, refuse to give remote back and when I take the remote they tell me they had a much better time with daddy, I'm lazy because I've just been asleep and start to sing a song about what a slob I am while dancing around. I definitely not a slob!

I said I'll happily take them back today and they say good. I'm not crying in the bathroom. I feel awful, should I take them home or am I being hormonal? They have had a lovely two days and I don't know what more I could have done?

OP posts:

poemontheocean · 20/02/2016 17:02

In two years both their parents have found new partners - that's not easy.

Cut them a bit of slack, I'd say. Absolutely zero tolerance of rudeness but going home won't help anything at all - just push them closer to their dad.

timeKeepingOnMars · 20/02/2016 17:02

punish them for being rude - take the remote off them

I do this - if they can't behave tv will go off and it's not unheard of for them to have an early night.

I get told I'm the worst mother ever they hate me - I do hmm - that nice dear - really - why it's not my job to be your friend - ect.

At minute they seem to be playing you off ex with all his trips - try and ignore it and do what you want with them.

Original poster

TaraBoxBrain · 20/02/2016 17:03

Argh bloody spellcheck that last post doesn't make sense in parts!

OP posts:

timeKeepingOnMars · 20/02/2016 17:04

TaraBoxBrain - that's a good response from them - hopefully you can enjoy the rest of your holiday.

Haffdonga · 20/02/2016 17:04

Get real people. How many of us woukd actually cut short a much needed holiday that cost more than we could probably afford in a lovely place just because our dcs are being bratty?

Yes, their behaviour needs consequences. Yes they are being disrespectful and unkind but if the holiday is cut short it will be the OP who suffesr most not the dcs, who have already had a nice holiday with their dad.

Presumably these dcs are fairly tired and a little unsettled after having two holidays with different parents and different rules of what's OK in what house. Presumably they thought they were being hilariously funny singing a rude song about mummy. (And presumably they have picked up some of this negative stuff about their dm from their df and dgm.)

So, the consequences here should be letting them know how upset and hurt you are. Making them feel thoroughly embarrassed and sorry and telling them how they are spoiling your (and their) holiday.

Sit them down, OP. tell them how hurt you are and see if you can save the evening by extracting a genuine apology and sitting down together on the sofa and having a cuddle, pizza and watch a DVD or something.

Haffdonga · 20/02/2016 17:05

Ah lovely cross posts. So glad you had the talk.

Batavias · 20/02/2016 17:05

Was it a case of them misjudging their jokes rather than deliberately trying to upset you.

I'd have a chat yo them about how it's difficult to have parents who live separately and that everyone needs to be kind to each other.

Batavias · 20/02/2016 17:06

Ohh, xpost

flippinada · 20/02/2016 17:06

Sounds like you have a good handle on things Tara. Hope you all enjoy the rest of the holiday .

YesterdayOnceMore · 20/02/2016 17:08

It sounds like your chat did the trick. I hope your scrabble goes well, you all have a nice evening and a nice morning tomorrow.

You have taught them an important lesson- that words can hurt people. But you are now teaching them about forgiveness and unconditional love.

startingmylifeagain · 20/02/2016 17:10

If it's any consolation the vast majority of us grow up feeling like arses about the way we've behaved to our parents.
I used to regularly tell my mum I hated her and she was horrible. After my dad died it increased (I had a lot of anger).
I found her crying in the bathroom several times growing up and she told me my words hurt her. Still didn't stop me though throughout my teenage years.
I've apologised to her more times than I can remember but I still hate myself every time I think of the nasty things I used to say to her.

CalicoBlue · 20/02/2016 17:11

It is difficult when the kids go from a few days with one parent to time with the other. Also you do not know what horrid things they may have been told about you. I used to find my kids were very anti me when they came back from their fathers. Also you are pg and probably more emotional than normal.

Dry your tears, go and give them a cuddle and spend a nice afternoon watching TV together. Dragging out the upset is not going to make anyone feel any better.

FWIW, I have shrugged off all sorts of stuff from the kids and my ex. One day my DD (8) told me that her father had got her to record 'bitch alert' on his phone to be my ring tone for when I call him. For me that was my tears in the bathroom moment.

ArkATerre · 20/02/2016 17:13

That's good that they knew they had gone too far. Hope you have an enjoyable rest of holiday

sisterofmercy · 20/02/2016 17:14

Sounds like you handled that well, Tara. Hope it gets better for you.

Haffdonga · 20/02/2016 17:14

it can take quite a long time for children to develop enough empathy to understand that what they do or say can actually hurt an adult's feelings. Parents esepcially are so omnipotent in a child's world that the idea that a parent might actually get hurt by what they say just doesn't compute. 5 year olds probably wouldn't get that yet. An 8 year old might but will oftern need reminding.

So your approach of telling and explaining how you feel is much better than punishing them, OP.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 20/02/2016 17:15

That is dreadful behaviour from them. The disrespect.

Riot act, calmly. Then that would be it as far as screen time was concerned for the rest of half term. Nice early bedtime tonight and then boring packing and cleaning up tomorrow morning for the trip home - any activities planned for them would no longer be happening. After all, they've had a crap time, haven't they?

HeteronormativeHaybales · 20/02/2016 17:16

eek, x posts [one-handed typing]

kinkytoes · 20/02/2016 17:17

Don't take what they said too much to heart. Kids will play parents up against each other when they live separately. You don't know for sure they had a marvellous time at daddy's as you weren't there. The rest, well they're not used to you being so tired although they were rude. You have a good excuse, they just don't know it yet. Put it down to a bad day and hopefully tomorrow will be easier.

Congrats on your pg x

SmallGreenBouncyBall · 20/02/2016 17:18

don't go home.
get the dc dressed and go for a long walk in the rain
then hot chocolate/bath/bed. no more tv apart from a few mins while you rest.

liinyo · 20/02/2016 17:18

Don't take them home. Ashas been said, that will escalate things and also gives them too much power. They are kids whose home has been broken up (not their choice) and they need boundaries to feel secure. Since your mum and Ex seem not to be helping with that, the burden may fall on you. They may also be craving your attention if you are tired and distracted and acting out is a great way to get attention.

When you feel able to speak calmly, come out of the bathroom and tell them that their behaviour was unacceptable and unkind but you don't want to spoil the holiday so you are going to draw a line under it and start again. If they misbehave again, separate them (naughty step, bedroom without electronic distractions) and tell them they can come down again when they are ready to behave. Then focus on having a nice time with whichever one/s are still downstairs.

Don't tell them about the baby when there is ill feeling in the air. This is going to be a little sibling to them (and will also live with you full time) and you don't want the first awareness of that child to be mixed up in their heads with arguments or fights or mummy being too tired to spend time with them. Tell them when things are happier and you are feeling stronger.

Good luck - one bad episode doesn't have to ruin the whole day.

CalicoBlue · 20/02/2016 17:20

Glad you have sorted things out with them. Have a lovely evening.

liinyo · 20/02/2016 17:21

Sorry Tara I missed your earlier post. You handled it brilliantly. Well done. Have a good evening

hmcAsWas · 20/02/2016 17:21

Was that a battle worth having? - stopping them watch a 3rd Minecraft programme?

Glad you're talk with them went well and that they were remorseful

SatsukiKusakabe · 20/02/2016 17:32

tara glad you've sorted things - just wanted to add that children might also act out a bit because they've had a good time with you.

Sometimes with my ds when we've had the best time, or he's got me 'back' after not spending much time with me for and day or two is when he has his most out of character bad behaviour, when the fun has to stop.

Just because they've had a great time with their dad doesn't mean they didn't miss you

Original poster

TaraBoxBrain · 20/02/2016 18:47

Thanks for all the support and advice everyone, I really appreciate it.

They have been playing backgammon all evening very happily after some profuse apologising

About time for a , or seeing as I'm pregnant a herbal !

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3