To think I shouldn't have to juggle housework as well as looking after clingy baby and ask how much you do on mat-leave?

[Sunrock]

Honest opinions please!

We have a 6-month-old DS.

Every time DH and I argue he brings it up that I don't do enough housework. He considers it 'part of being on mat leave'.

I argue that I'm holding a grizzling teething refluxy baby 90% of the time I'm home! He cries after 5-10mins in bouncer. Even when being cuddled he wants constant interaction and games or jiggling and rocking. DH thinks this is my fault for carrying him in sling so much when he was tiny

We go out every day otherwise I'm crying by noon as the constant grizzling shreds my nerves! He loves being in buggy and rarely cries when out. We meet friends, go for lunch, coffee, long walks, groups, classes, baby cinema etc and he is happy. He naps well in loud busy places. I understand why DH thinks I have a great life while he is stuck at work in an office feeling stressed but if I don't go out I feel like I'm going mad.

At home I can't get much done. I can only eat if I sit shaking a rattle. I sing and dance and talk to him while doing basic jobs but he still cries half the time.

Every day I load/unload dishwasher, wipe kitchen surfaces, do laundry. Every few days I cook and make a big salad but in between we eat ready meals or freezer food or takeaway. Once a week I hoover, wipe down sinks, empty bins etc. Bedlinen and towels get changed approx fortnightly. Once a month I clean bathrooms and hob, usually while DH watches DS at weekend as I don't like spraying chemicals near him.

If it's relevant I also do all night feeds (approx every 2-3hours). DS is in bed by time DH gets home from work and I go to bed a couple of hours after DS as I'm shattered.

AIBU to do so little housework? I told DH I want him to do some and he said mat leave isn't just about taking care of the baby but running a household too! He thinks it's U for him to help but I feel we are both responsible for keeping house clean! He stays up late every night having time to himself, I don't see why he can't take 10mins to empty the dishwasher or tidy up a bit! AIBU?

I'm tempted to just get a cleaner. I'm so tired and when DH watches DS at weekend I don't want to spend all my time off cleaning!

Your 'D'H is a selfish twat. And why should you have to pay for a cleaner out of your personal savings? You both live there - you BOTH need to pay for it. You are not his slave and this is not the 1950s.

Also he does not get a lie-in at weekends when you have been up all night every night. At the weekend, you should hand baby over to him and tell him to do all the stuff he expects you to do during the week while minding your baby. You catch up on some sleep and he can bring baby to you for breastfeeds. And when he is looking after his child, stop setting it all up for him - he can find a spare change of clothes, fill a sippy cup, etc. And for gods sake stop bringing him cups of tea/coffee! No wonder he's so ignorant about how difficult it is - you are making it way too easy for him.

Just do the necessary housework to keep the place tipping over during the day (eg wipe down kitchen counters, put on a load of your or baby's laundry, he can do his own). Do not do anymore.

How did you get cleaning done? I involved my dc; so if I was doing washing, they have their own pile to sort; if I was mopping a floor, I batted a ball back and forth with the mop etc etc.

What strikes me from your posts are that your baby (and you obvo) must be absolutely and utterly knackered if he only goes to sleep for 2-3 hour stretches. He's not getting a chance to have a proper deep sleep which would explain the grizzlies. Both my dc we're sleeping through by 6 months, so getting a full 12 hours sleep in a row - as far as I recall, so were all of my friends dc, or at least 7-8 hours.

I think getting that sorted should be your priority. Sleep is vital, absolutely vital for children.

It's maternity leave - not housework leave. This behaviour in men starting in mat leave usually results in the mother still doing the majority of house and childcare once returned to work!

He gets a lie until 10/11am ? Wow.

And whats going to happen to the housework when you go back to work ?

I could/can juggle housework and baby because mine have always been ok to be left for a bit, once they got through the newborn phase. That's all. Just the luck of the draw. Nothing that I did right and you did wrong.

Your husband is a selfish fucker btw. Since apparently you can express and DS will take ebm in some form, it's time for him to do a whole night on his own and see how he likes it.

Cleaning wise I sort of involve her/ bring her with me. Wipes are my friends to stay on top of things - I do sprays evening and weekends or if a cot nap happens. Things I can do are sorting washing - give baby stuff to grope as the lie next to your work area. Kitchen has buzzy chair - usually gives me a few minutes, conservatory has jumperoo, play mat is mobile. So chores become games for her. Running commentary and raspberry conversations while working.

Cleaning when we had a little one was done when they were in their jumperoo jumping about playing with a bit of music on in the background. Or on their playmat with their mobile thing over them playing. At 6 month old both mine were sitting up as well so some pillows around them to support them with some toys to play with. In the kitchen little one was in high chair with something to chew on and play with.

Fucking hell. He is getting far too much sleep and you are getting far too little. Time to redress that balance i think. I have put up with a lot from my DH but i would not tolerate this at all. No one steals my sleep. Sod the housework issue, the sleep issue is far worse.

I would add up the BROKEN sleep you get and the UNBROKEN sleep he gets and tell him this is now changing. As of next weekend you are having both lie ins and possibly another nap in the afternoons.

My DH told me when ds1 was about 10mo that he was never going to do housework. We had been bickering about it since ds1 was born. Well i had been 'nagging' him to do more. He told me outright he was never going to do it (he never had before the baby either) but, he was never going to expect me to do it either, never expect dinner on the table, clothes cleaned and ironed, house pristine or even barely tidy. He also said if i wanted cleaners i could hire whomever i wanted. It wasn't great but i could live with it. Also he used to frogmarch me to bed and insist i nap constantly. Today i have had a 2 hour lie in and a 2 hour nap and he's telling me to go to bed now. He insisted we get a takeaway so i didn't cook too. He does most of the night wakings with DS2 - who still hasn't slept longer than 3hrs in his life and he's 18mo

Having read your last message, I've now come to the conclusion you are a mug. He of this opinion because you let him. You are hallucinating from lack of sleep whilst you make sure he has a lie in?! This makes you a danger to you and your baby. Yet you are stressing over cleaning rather than your well being and health. You need to have a good think about you priorities...

You are cleArly feeling unsupported and pressured into doing more than you would like to. Generally partners support each other and take the pressure off the other when they are feeling burdened. If that isn't happening for you you need to examine why, and it's probably not much to do with housework.

It's certainly not about other peoples housework or what they do on maternity leave or parental leave. Of course the vast majority of parents juggle kids and messes and babies and jobs and housework and dinners and everything all at once, but generally they support each other in this venture.

A man that knows you get 3-5 hours of broken sleep every night then takes the lies-in at the weekend is a selfish fuckwit. There is no possible explanation that that. None. You're married to a fuckwit.

Make sure you leave things like clothes washing, dishes, a meal to cook while at the wedding

Do you have other kids? Surely one 6 month old can't be that difficult?
I work full time, but on maternity leave it seemed I could easily do a few hours of housework a day while I managed the baby and the other toddlers at home. The main problem is the other kids would trash the house while I was breastfeeding.
Does your hubby help au all with the house jobs?

Oh dear, OP. Your last post is changing my mind.
Your dh gets both weekend lie-ins, until at least 10am? You get everything ready for him with baby and bring him coffee? You have his and hers money and the cleaner is 'your' expense? And your dh still isn't happy?

It sounds as if he is used to you doing everything to make his life easy and has come to expect it as his right. I really don't like the sound of your financial set-up either.

Time, I think, to do some serious rocking of the boat. Big sit-down chat. He needs to understand that his life, as he is now a parent, needs to change as yours has done. That you are in this together, financially as well as work-wise. If he can't, or won't, get it, then I think you could do with some couples counselling, and if that doesn't help, you should probably consider whether you want to live like this.

Surely one 6 month old can't be that difficult?

This woman hasn't had a full night's sleep for half a year.

That will have a deleterious effect on even the most experienced parent's ability to cope.

But she's not experienced. It's her first time doing this, so she's working it all out.

Do you not believe her when she says she can't get any more housework done and care for her baby in the way she thinks appropriate?

You're happy to join in with the lazy prick distrusting and bullying her?

He's sleeping in until 11 both weekend mornings while she sneaks in naps between childcare and cleaning, resting for 5 hours every evening while she does chores, and telling her what is "expected" of her now that he "has a wife on maternity leave"?

That's really classy.

HeteronormativeHaybales not everyone shares finances and has joint accounts - it just doesn't work for everyone - to suggest counselling and the to consider separation just because someone will not share finances is way OTT. I wonder if you would say this if it was OP who wanted to keep her finances separate?

She suggested counselling because this woman is in a marriage so harmful to her wellbeing that rather than have her lazy arse husband do some cleaning of his own shit, in his own home, she is going to secretly hire a cleaner and pay for it out of her savings.

YANBU - babies are very time consuming! I don't do as much as you. Housework needs to be shared more equally. Your husband seems to be abdicating a lot of the parenting and normal household stuff. When we had a 6 month old DH moved his ours so he could be home to do dinner, bath and bed. He also cooked 80% of the time, did all hoovering and ironing.

Think I gave the wrong impression about finances, we have separate accounts but since I'm on SMP he pays all bills, mortgage, groceries, car expenses etc. I use SMP to get baby things, personal stuff etc. So I have no issue paying for a cleaner, I just wish he would be supportive of getting one rather than insisting I should be able to manage without!

He likes to stay up late and get up late, always has. He does offer to get up with baby at 5.30 on weekends so I can sleep, but if he goes to bed at 2-3am it doesn't seem safe for him to be trying to stay awake. Plus baby is extra grizzly at that time and wants to cluster-feed so makes sense for me to nap later.

How did you get your babies to sleep through? Mine will nap in pram for 2-3 hours in day but wakes up as soon as we get home.

Surely one 6 month old can't be that difficult?

Doing one full time job while also pitching on with housework isn't hard. Yet he seems incapable of doing that. Plus, he needs his sleep. Bless.

Well then why don't you tell him to get up at 5.30 then since he has offered? The first time he does it he'll be exhausted after only going to bed at 2/3am. He will go to bed early the next time. Why is it ok for you to be completely sleep deprived every day of the week for 6 months and you fret about him having "only" 3 hours sleep ONE night?! Jees. You are really making the situation you are in, sorry.

We bottle fed both of ours and they slept through from 4 or 5 months, 7.30pm to 8am, both of them like their beds, they need to be warm though or they wake up. DS sometimes wakes about 6ish because he's normally turned onto his back and pushed his way up the bed, all he wants is back on his front then he goes back to sleep again for a couple of hours.

You can't teach a child to sleep through. Some will at that age anyway. Others will learn that crying will be ignored. Lots and lots will wake in the night. My first started sleeping through at 11 months. My second is younger than your ds so who knows?

DH was like that when DC1 was born. He was made redundant when she was 6 months old so I went back to work....he soon realised I hadn't been sat on my arse watching tv all day. He still very occasionally because he likes living brings it up now & again now (we've got 4dc, youngest is 8 months) & I'll offer to swap again, he soon shuts up

Posted too soon. You can't get them to sleep through. It just happens, that takes longer for some than for others. DC1 did it from 6 weeks until she 4 years old. Her sleep then became so bad (as in 30 minutes in every 24 hours) she had to be medicated. DC2 was in SCBU for 3 weeks so came out on a 5 hourly routine, he slept through from I think 10 weeks. DC3 didn't do it consistently until she was 2. DC4, 8 months, sleeps through 1 to 2 nights a week if we're lucky.