To think I shouldn't have to juggle housework as well as looking after clingy baby and ask how much you do on mat-leave?

[Sunrock]

Honest opinions please!

We have a 6-month-old DS.

Every time DH and I argue he brings it up that I don't do enough housework. He considers it 'part of being on mat leave'.

I argue that I'm holding a grizzling teething refluxy baby 90% of the time I'm home! He cries after 5-10mins in bouncer. Even when being cuddled he wants constant interaction and games or jiggling and rocking. DH thinks this is my fault for carrying him in sling so much when he was tiny

We go out every day otherwise I'm crying by noon as the constant grizzling shreds my nerves! He loves being in buggy and rarely cries when out. We meet friends, go for lunch, coffee, long walks, groups, classes, baby cinema etc and he is happy. He naps well in loud busy places. I understand why DH thinks I have a great life while he is stuck at work in an office feeling stressed but if I don't go out I feel like I'm going mad.

At home I can't get much done. I can only eat if I sit shaking a rattle. I sing and dance and talk to him while doing basic jobs but he still cries half the time.

Every day I load/unload dishwasher, wipe kitchen surfaces, do laundry. Every few days I cook and make a big salad but in between we eat ready meals or freezer food or takeaway. Once a week I hoover, wipe down sinks, empty bins etc. Bedlinen and towels get changed approx fortnightly. Once a month I clean bathrooms and hob, usually while DH watches DS at weekend as I don't like spraying chemicals near him.

If it's relevant I also do all night feeds (approx every 2-3hours). DS is in bed by time DH gets home from work and I go to bed a couple of hours after DS as I'm shattered.

AIBU to do so little housework? I told DH I want him to do some and he said mat leave isn't just about taking care of the baby but running a household too! He thinks it's U for him to help but I feel we are both responsible for keeping house clean! He stays up late every night having time to himself, I don't see why he can't take 10mins to empty the dishwasher or tidy up a bit! AIBU?

I'm tempted to just get a cleaner. I'm so tired and when DH watches DS at weekend I don't want to spend all my time off cleaning!

So why Hetero are you suggesting when it IS possible for the OP to nap that she doesn't and does housework which is less essential than sleep? Is it a race to the bottom? Her DH is getting sleep every night, yet she has to do night wakings, housework and be tired. That isn't fair really.

When i had ds1 i slept whenever possible. Now i have ds2 i can't and the baby stage is much much harder this time around because of it. I wouldn't make it harder for myself just for the sake of doing some hoovering.

Sometimes you do have to leave a baby to cry, yes, especially when you have older children. OP isn't in that position, though. Leaving her baby crying while she does the housework DH thinks she ought to do during the day is entirely optional. So what do people think 'having to' has to do with anything? She doesn't. This is about whether she should choose to do it because her DH thinks she ought to.

You are in fact doing 3 jobs, daily childcare, night childcare and cleaning. You couldn't employ one person to do all that! As pp upthread said, a full time nanny would do childcare, but not the rest. I suggest when you go out for the day for the wedding you leave a list of cleaning jobs too, see how much gets done.

If you are sleep deprived, you run the risk of pnd, getting out and meeting other mums, walking in the fresh air and the odd coffee sound essential to me. If you were at work all day you would be entitled to breaks and socialising with colleagues.

One baby? Once you've had the deep clean done I can't really see why you couldn't keep on top of it.

It doesn't hurt a baby to grizzle. You can talk to him while you're cleaning and vacuum when he's asleep.

I think if you are on maternity leave and you are leaving your baby to cry so you can do housework, you really need to go back to work and pay somebody to look after your child properly.

Yanbu it sounds like you are doing more than the minimum each day anyway.

If you have a needy baby then housework will slip, my ds1 was awful as a baby, I was like you going out on Long walks etc. Going out seeing people, walking etc kept me sane and when dh was at home I used the opportunity to catch up on sleep. I remember wondering how anyone ever had more than one child, it was a good day if I showered and did the washing up tbh.

He gradually got easier as he learnt to sit, Then crawl and walk/talk but the first nine mths to a year were really hard. Thankfully my dh was not a duck, maybe as we wrre both young wr muddled through together.

16 yrs later we have five kid's and Dc6 is due is six weeks, and it's easier and with each child I have got more done, developed routines etc focused on priorities and as kids get older they pitch in as well! But am not kidding myself I know there will be times when Dc6 is little that the routines go to pot and stuff won't get done, hell at 34 wks preg (with an easy pregnancy) stuff isn't getting done always as I am tired. But dh picks up the slack, the kids pitch in and we know this phase doesn't last forever.

Oh and I have never left mine to cry, dh couldn't either hell he wants to scoop up crying babies in the supermarket and cuddle them, so no you don't have to let them whinge and I certainly wouldn't be doing so to do housework.

I'm on mat leave and I have a cleaner. I do some stuff and I think it's reasonable that I do more as I have more time than my husband. More. Not all. If I'm knackered or can't be arsed husband will cook tea or whatever. And if he ever complained about what I do or don't do I'd tell him to shove it up his arse. :)

You asked for honest opinions, so here is mine.

If you are at home, you should do the lions share of the work unless you are ill / unable to for some reason.

The transition is difficult and you do have to look after yourself, but I would not feel able to claim that I had no time to do the housework if I had time to do all the social things that you describe. I do understand that those social events are important for your wellbeing, but even reducing those by about 30 minutes would give you enough time to clean the bathroom (for example).

That said, everyone is different and you will find what works for you as lots of other people have said. I can just understand your dh's frustration when he has been at work all day and comes back to hear about your social activities while the house is dirty.

The only thing I can leave her to cry properly for is essential things like using the loo, grabbing a drink and essential food preparation - eating properly is fairly key for health when breastfeeding.

I do all the night stuff as she's ebf so DH would have to wake me anyway - what did help was him holding her upright after feeds in the night - allergy caused reflux type symptoms. Now she's more settled as I mostly know what to avoid so it doesn't save any awake time. Plus he has a job which has large risk of being kicked in the head plus surgery so needs to be with it enough to dodge!

However he does often have her in the late evening while I grab some sleep or wind down and we try to share housework.

Wipes are good for keeping on top of things - but sling makes a massive difference - easy to hoover, sweep, wipe down surfaces with baby attached. Washing up, bleaching the loo and actually cooking with heat are less compatible.

Trying to train her that she doesn't need to be permanently attached is good!

In answer to your question, how much hw did I do on maternity leave - I did all of it.
Because I had time because I didn't have difficult babies either time.
I can easily see why your dh thought you would do it, everyone does don't they, before they have kids.
But, you have a difficult baby, which completely changes things and it doesn't matter what another family does.
I think just be nice to each other, you're married after all, you pitch in if one party needs more help than expected.
I think some of the man hating on this thread is ridiculously ott.

When I was on maternity leave with my grizzly, high needs baby I got a magnetic whiteboard and put it on the fridge. Every day I wrote a list of what I had done ('put washing on, hang out washing, get washing in' etc rather than just 'do laundry') and made sure it was there when DH got home. He thought it was a 'to do' list but really it was a 'look at everything I've done' list. It also helped me to see I was doing loads although it felt like I wasn't accomplishing anything much.

I did a bit more than my fair share of housework while on maternity leave, but by no means did it mean that I took over ALL of the housework.

I often put jobs off til DH got home too. Then I'd hand over the baby, or at least leave DH in charge of them while I did something that had been bugging me.

I also, after my 6 week checkup, resumed going out once a week to my exercise class that I'd been going to prior to being too pregnant to carry on. It was good 'me' time out of the house.

I'm kind of on the fence on this one, you do seem to do a lot of social activities, personally I couldn't go drink coffee with friends knowing hob hadnt been cleaned for a month. I also think if you make a mess you should tidy up after yourself, if that means baby moans for 5 mins its no big deal - kids do need to learn to be on their own, I don't think it's healthy for them to expect someone to be there all the time.

YANBU. It sounds as if you are doing plenty of housework considering your DS is so clingy and demanding. My first dd was like that and it was very hard to get anything done. DD2 was totally different.
I presume that your DH managed to get some housework done before you were on maternity leave so why does he expect to put his feet up now? He is being a total prat. He will change his tune if you have a few days away, unless he is one of those men that call his mother to help, of course.

MrsK - I think they should both be doing what needs to be done, but it makes sense for her dh to largely deal with the baby (bf etc allowing) at weekends so they build up a bond. In that time she can both rest and do a bit of essential housework (bathrooms do need more than once a month to be hygienic), surely?

Leaving to cry is a different matter IMO. I don't do housework, bar laundry and one-handed clearing-up etc, when I'm at home alone because I can't/won't leave her to cry. But evenings/weekends we take turns juggling baby and both get stuck in. That leaves more than enough time to clean bathrooms more than once a month or empty bins more than once a week.

I think that the dh has unreasonable expectations/is conflating 'household' and 'babycare' and the OP is taking 'it's mat leave not housework leave' over-literally, which, though, doesn't surprise me if the dh is being all 1950s about it.
(Sorry for 3rd person, OP)

Thanks everyone, it's good to hear different perspectives

About napping... I don't have a nap for the fun of it, but to catch up on lost sleep. On a typical night baby feeds every 2-3hours and starts day around 5:30am! So I get 3-5hours of broken sleep a night. By Fri I'm hallucinating with sleep deprivation! On Sat and Sun I let DH sleep until 10-11am then hand DS over and nap for a couple of hours.

I agree I need to let DH experience what it's like. When I hand him over I usually make sure he's happy, rested, fed, I set out his playmat and toys, food, sippy-cup, provide a change of clothes, dummies etc. I also bring DH coffee/food so he can focus on DS. I do this to try and make it a positive experience for them but maybe it makes it seem too easy!

DH is great in most ways. He's kind and intelligent. He just seems to have a blind spot about this and unrealistic expectations.

I'm paying for cleaner from my own account (may not tell DH how much the deep-clean costs ) I'm on SMP and have my own savings. If I budget carefully I can afford a fortnightly clean to keep on top of it. The more I think about it the more I feel this is money well spent!

Ladies who manage to juggle housework and baby, any tips? How do you train a baby not to be attached to you all day? I'm not prepared to leave him crying while I clean. I sometimes ignore grizzles for 5mins or so while I finish something but they quickly become full-blown screams!

It's not that I don't have time for cleaning, it's that he won't settle indoors. When out in pram he's happy watching everything, at home he cries unless has constant attention. I only leave him to cry if I have to go to the loo? Take a 3-min shower or answer the door.

I know I'm lucky to be able to get out every day in the fresh air, walk, socialise etc. But I also think you need this with a small baby. I'm on duty day and night whereas DH can come home from work and relax and is off-duty for a good 12hours!

As soon as he falls asleep at night can't you do a super quick clean. I know it's probably the time of the day when you are feeling extra tired but it would free you of doing inefficient half cleaning while trying to look after your DS at the same time.

i can't remember if you said he sleeps in the day or not. If he does why can't you walk from your home and whiz back for a nap (or clean ) if he doesn't sleep during the day and is as awake as you say during the night then I'm not surprised he is a grizzly baby He would be exhausted all the time.

On Sat and Sun I let DH sleep until 10-11am then hand DS over and nap for a couple of hours.

I think that you should be the one sleeping until 10-11a.m. at weekends if you are the one getting up all night during the week. Your DH gets plenty of sleep during the week!

Did massive post, tab crashed again.

Get the getting out thing - mine seems super easy out and about - randomly drops off at baby groups and in the sling/car. If we don't go out she won't nap other than on me and fights sleep really badly. Overtired is bad for sleep generally so finding a nap trigger and prioritising that is important. Saving grace for me is we have a dog so walks count as chores!

Kind and intelligent men don't treat their wives like this.

Even the fact that you are stressing about it I stress of telling him to do one shows an unhealthy dynamic.

Either he trusts you and believes you when you say you can't manage housework and baby during the day.

And then, as someone who trusts you and loves you does his best to support you.

(This is what kind and intelligent men do.)

Or he thinks you are a lazy, lying, pisstaker who he needs to take in hand and manage like unsatisfactory staff.

(This is what unkind, stupid, misogynists do.)

He's going for the latter option.

It should not be that hard to convince your life partner and lover that you are struggling and exhausted when they know you haven't had an unbroken night's sleep in half a year.

OP says she goes for long walks with her friends and the baby so presumably she isn't too knackered

I was shattered with my first baby but long walks were really the only way they settled for a long time!

OP I can't believe you are paying out of your own money. That's not right.

Have I got this right? Just when your life has become really, really difficult, he's decided to do LESS than he did before?

Tit.

Sorry did I really just read that you are doing all the night waking and getting up at 5:30am with baby and then at the weekend your husband is sleeping in til 10-11am?! Jesus wept

I have done night feedings as I have boobs but at weekends or when dh was off work I would feed kids when they woke and ds1 was a 5am waker and dh would then take him off downstairs whilst I slept! He would often go out to the bakery when it opened at a weekend with ds1 so when I woke up I would have fresh croissants etc for bfast.

And as for setting everything up for him when he is watching ds, again bit speechless tbh.

Erm, why aren't you getting at least one of the lie-ins at the weekend? Why does he need BOTH days?

Also why are you paying for the cleaning out of YOUR money? He lives in the house as well; housework is a joint responsibility. He should be footing the bill for 50% of the work.

His attitude is a different story. Stop enabling him by giving him the baby all prepped and settled. This isn't the 1950s and he's a father not a visitor.