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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Discipline and new DP who is BU?

112 replies

Privilegeismine · 19/02/2016 19:14

DP and I have been together for just under 2 years. We do not live together. I have 4dc 12 years to 4 years old. He has none. I have lived alone since before my youngest dd was born, so I am pretty independent.

I introduced dc to dp after 6 months and gradually increased the time they spent together. They all generally get on well. I have recently started a long term placement at university and dp has been helping out. Picking them up from the child minder and getting them ready for various activities before I get home. I am grateful for his help and tell him so.

DS (8) can be challenging. He is a delight at school, but at home he can be silly and defiant. I handle this by removing his iPad/Xbox or sending him to his room for any major misbehaviour. I do not want to play down his behaviour, it can be frustrating, but it usually results from tiredness. Dc get up at 6am on weekdays.

Here lies the problem. Dp thinks I am too soft on him. He says he ‘gets away with murder’ and needs proper consequences for his actions. Dp has shouted at him on occasion and I felt at the time that it was not his place to do so. He is a teacher so has the scary teacher voice and it scared me! He believes that a good smack did him no harm and that is what ds needs. I have explained my views on this several times and he knows that I will not hit my ds.

We had a day out yesterday that involved a long drive (around 3 hours). We stopped off at the services after an hour and ds said he did not need a wee. Of course, near to home he needed one. Dp said he needed to be taught a lesson, he should have listened before and it shows a lack of respect for both dp and myself. I said I am all for discipline, but making an 8 year old boy wet himself (in my car) to teach him a lesson is not going to happen.

We stopped. Ds had a wee. Dp had a rant about discipline. I said that it is primarily my responsibility if I am here, if I am not it is dp’s. but he needs to do it my way. Dp was not happy about this at all.

Am I too soft or is dp BU?

OP posts:
rusticmeadowwildflower · 19/02/2016 19:16

Gosh, that isn't a situation I would be at all happy with.

TeenAndTween · 19/02/2016 19:19

Misses point - I would have made DS go to the toilet at the services whether he thought he needed to or not.

Generally however YANBU. Why do they get up so early? Not surprised they get tired.

LittleBearPad · 19/02/2016 19:20

He's unreasonable and I'd tell him to wind his neck in and I'd have a serious think.

Gottagetmoving · 19/02/2016 19:21

Perhaps sometimes you do let ds get away with stuff?... even so, it's not your dp's business to be telling you how to discipline your child. YANBU...HE is!
I hope you are both not arguing about this in front of your ds? Sounds like you did in the car?
I would be wary of going further in this relationship if you disagree on discipline issues especially as he is not their father.

Fairylea · 19/02/2016 19:21

Your dp is an arse. A child needing a wee and not going when they should have gone is something you say "oh dear, never mind" about and laugh as appropriate. Not a big deal. I couldn't be dealing with such a drama llama.

Fairyliz · 19/02/2016 19:21

Wow major red flag. You are not planning a long term future with this man are you?
He would let aneight year old wet himself rather thzn stopthe car. Yes its annoying/ irritating but thas just kids.
Are you sure he his a teacher?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 19/02/2016 19:21

You're not soft.

He believes that a good smack did him no harm and that is what ds needs. would have me re-thinking the relationship.

Dp had a rant about discipline, tell him to give it a rest.

I'd be thinking seriously about not moving in together.

Spandexpants007 · 19/02/2016 19:22

I wouldn't be happy with smacking or making him wet himself. Are there other ways you can manage your sons behaviour? Early bedtimes, rewards, lots of positive attention? Is your son being naughty to get attention?

witsender · 19/02/2016 19:23

This would be a deal breaker for me, big time.

caravanista · 19/02/2016 19:23

He's a teacher?! His attitude is appalling.

wonderingsoul · 19/02/2016 19:23

It's not on, I wouldn't be happy for dp to disapline mine like that. Actually he wouldn't have cared if he had to pull over, he might say this is why you should have tried to go when we said but it wouldn't have been made a thing.

Also the only displine my dp does is to tell them to stop doing something dangourouse or unkind or do as I ( their mum) asked. He's never shouted or raised he's voice. If they need further telling off it is left to me which is what works for us.

I would have a word with him and make him see your word is final when it comes to the children.

MLGs · 19/02/2016 19:24

You dp is very u, and I would consider not moving in with someone like that.

He believes your child needs a good smack? I would not want to go near someone who advocated hitting my child.

Obviously it was annoying your child didn't go to the loo when he had the opportunity but not the end of the world.

Ranting about discipline - also not on. Not his business to tell you how to bring up your children.

gamerchick · 19/02/2016 19:25

Hes out of order and i would be wary of any man who would take pleasure from my child being smacked.

I do the disipline as theyre my kids but sometimes the husband steps in as my youngest adores him and his calm way has more effect as its rare.

Any man who ranted often and shouted at my child would be shown the door well before they turned into teenagers and a hell of a lot more work.

stitchglitched · 19/02/2016 19:25

YABU to entrust your children to someone who thinks your 8 year old needs a good smack. I would have dumped him already.

MLGs · 19/02/2016 19:25

Also find it shocking that someone who advocates these things is a teacher.

gleekster · 19/02/2016 19:26

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man who thought hitting children was acceptable.

Original poster
Privilegeismine · 19/02/2016 19:29

Thanks for all the replies. I was beginning to think I was over reacting.

He is definitely a teacher, he taught at my kids school.

I'm seriously beginning to doubt the long term future now. Our ideas of raising children are completely different.

I know I need to deal with ds's behaviour and it is slowly improving. He does get to bed early but the early mornings are a killer. I get up at 5am to get everything I can done before I get the kids up. He gets lots of positive attention, one on one time with me at least 3 times a week. It seems to have become more regular recently, where as before it was manageable.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 19/02/2016 19:30

Not his job to discipline at all is it? (Barring safety concerns). He doesn't sound like a keeper to me

PurpleVauxhall · 19/02/2016 19:31

He believes that a good smack did him no harm and that is what ds needs.

It certainly did do him harm, it made him think it's OK to hit children.

Arkhamasylum · 19/02/2016 19:33

If I were your son, I'd be quite frightened of him. He's only eight. I wouldn't leave them alone together. 'Discipline' should be about teaching children how to behave. Your 'D'P doesn't sound interested in that, does he? It's all about 'being obeyed'. I'd get rid and I wouldn't leave it too long in case it escalates further. Sorry, OP.

Original poster
Privilegeismine · 19/02/2016 19:34

Exactly what I said to him PurpleVauxhall.

We didn't exactly argue in the car, it was very hushed when I told him to stop the car. The rest was said when we were home and the kids were in bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Privilegeismine · 19/02/2016 19:35

Thanks Arkhamasylum. I'm sad to say that you are right.

OP posts:
BertPuttocks · 19/02/2016 19:35

Scaring young children, deliberately trying to get them to wet themselves, and wanting to hit them?

He sounds like a real charmer.

What does he think will happen to his teaching career if he ends up with a conviction for assaulting a child?

Original poster
Privilegeismine · 19/02/2016 19:37

I do often wonder if he's in the right career when he says these things.

Apparently he's totally different in the classroom....

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 19/02/2016 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.