Discipline and new DP who is BU?

[Privilegeismine]

DP and I have been together for just under 2 years. We do not live together. I have 4dc 12 years to 4 years old. He has none. I have lived alone since before my youngest dd was born, so I am pretty independent.

I introduced dc to dp after 6 months and gradually increased the time they spent together. They all generally get on well. I have recently started a long term placement at university and dp has been helping out. Picking them up from the child minder and getting them ready for various activities before I get home. I am grateful for his help and tell him so.

DS (8) can be challenging. He is a delight at school, but at home he can be silly and defiant. I handle this by removing his iPad/Xbox or sending him to his room for any major misbehaviour. I do not want to play down his behaviour, it can be frustrating, but it usually results from tiredness. Dc get up at 6am on weekdays.

Here lies the problem. Dp thinks I am too soft on him. He says he ‘gets away with murder’ and needs proper consequences for his actions. Dp has shouted at him on occasion and I felt at the time that it was not his place to do so. He is a teacher so has the scary teacher voice and it scared me! He believes that a good smack did him no harm and that is what ds needs. I have explained my views on this several times and he knows that I will not hit my ds.

We had a day out yesterday that involved a long drive (around 3 hours). We stopped off at the services after an hour and ds said he did not need a wee. Of course, near to home he needed one. Dp said he needed to be taught a lesson, he should have listened before and it shows a lack of respect for both dp and myself. I said I am all for discipline, but making an 8 year old boy wet himself (in my car) to teach him a lesson is not going to happen.

We stopped. Ds had a wee. Dp had a rant about discipline. I said that it is primarily my responsibility if I am here, if I am not it is dp’s. but he needs to do it my way. Dp was not happy about this at all.

Am I too soft or is dp BU?

[SushiAndTheBanshees]

I knew where this was heading from the moment I read that you have four DCs and he had none.

He doesn't get it. It's a rare adult without children who can tread that fine line with (potential) step-DCs. To be honest, the fact that he's a teacher probably makes him think he's an expert (especially if he's been teaching for longer than you've been a mother), which is even worse.

I would seriously reconsider any future with this man.

[junebirthdaygirl]

Agree with Harsh..as a teacher he surely knows that kids always do that toilet thing and you have to let them go when they they need to go. He sounds like someone knows nothing about children so can't think what kind of a teacher he is. Boys of 8 can be real pests at times and he should know that too. Does he ever play with him or engage in fun stuff with him.?

.

[sleeponeday]

He has never hit your kids and it is very unlikely that he ever would. It was a comment.

No, that isn't what the OP says.

He believes that a good smack did him no harm and that is what ds needs. I have explained my views on this several times and he knows that I will not hit my ds.

A single, throwaway comment wouldn't involve several occasions when OP needed to set her views out again. Nor would it involve a statement that it "didn't do me any harm" let alone that it would do his partner's child good. The OP is very clear that this man thinks smacking her son is the way forward, and that he has raised this with her on several occasions.

I don't know why people want to downplay the OP's own very clear words.

Similarly, she's clear that he is very angry that she won't allow him to discipline the children his way, even when she is physically present, fundamentally disagrees with him, and the children are hers.

I'm not seeing much room for maneuvre here.

[goddessofsmallthings]

The OP posted here because this man has caused her to doubt her own judgement, BlueJug, and had she posted on the Relationships board she would have been told in no uncertain terms to gather up her dc and run a mile from him.

Can you not see that he's scapegoating the OP's 8yo ds and that this alone is more than sufficient reason for her to end the relationship?

As for your assertion that He has never hit your kids and it is very unlikely that he ever would you cannot possibly say this with any certainty. This man wanted the OP's ds to wet himself in her car as punishment for having not gone to loo at a service station. It's a very short step from humiliating a child to hitting them and I certainly wouldn't put money on him being able to restrain himself from hitting the OP's ds if, in fact, he hasn't done so already.

[merrymouse]

It sounds as though he finds the day to day reality of living with 4 children too irritating.

There is a big difference between the standard of behaviour that should be expected in a class room and the way that children can be expected to behave 24/7.

[Blu]

A stop an hour into a 3 hour journey leaves 2 hours still to go.An 8 yo desperate 2 hours after genuinely not needing to go is normal , not a discipline issue.

YANBU.

[expatinscotland]

She's already talked to him, BlueJug, and he tells her she is being 'too soft' on her son.

The only thing these kids are losing is a bully. He's not their relative, he's their mother's boyfriend.

[Rudeabaga]

Your boyfriend is a twat

I don't even have (or particularly like being around) kids* and he's a twat, an arrogant, controlling twat. Who makes an eight year old wait for the toilet?

I was in the car, with my mum driving, a while back, and she refused to stop for the toilet for nearly an hour after I asked. I wasn't best pleased so distanced myself.

I'm an adult (ish) and I can choose to do that. Your son is not so lucky, he is quite small, and stuck with this man in his life. Why is it so important that this is smoothed over? He has made it clear that his wishes and feelings overwrite yours and your children's.

Personally I also cannot abide people who shout at children. It's a power thing, disgusting. It's one thing to do it occasionally in anger - another to use shouting (or anger, or the fear of anger) as a weapon, to intimidate.

*why am I here? Well the alternative, if I didn't read this site, is that I could be an arsehole like your boyfriend who has no idea what you can reasonably expect from children.

[MistressDeeCee]

What kind of idiot thinks you can wee to order, anyway? If you don't want to wee at 1pm but you do want to at 3pm, and that winds him up, then he has control issues in the most peculiar way. Is there some new method called "wee on demand" that I haven't heard about? & I know children can sometimes mess about with the "wee" thing but really, is it a thing to get so into a rage about? His comments and anger are disproportionate but then again, the whole thing is odd

I used to run school music workshops way back when, & in my training days I shadowed a tutor. I will never, ever forget going into a school and seeing a class of 5 year olds being utterly cowered by a teacher. I was at that school for 2 weeks and the bastard did that every - single - morning. The children were so quiet and miserable I used to wonder if they ever told their parents.

One little boy in particular, this teacher made him shake. Bastard. Id see him being smiley chatting to parents in the playground..Id guess he was in his 30s back then fairly goodlooking, charming, and that goes a long way in this life doesn't it? But as soon as the parents had gone and he had those children in the classroom he terrified them. It wasn't that he shouted at the children - he just used a very hard, aggressive, relentless voice. Stoney faced, with dislike in his tone. I wondered why he became a teacher, since he clearly did not like children.

Id complain to the rooftops if I saw that now but I was very young back then. All these years later and I still remember it.

OPs partner may not be like this of course, but the "scary teacher voice" jogged my memory. If he's not like this at school he definitely has tendencies to be like that at home however, doesn't he?

Women with children can be an easy target for men with issues who are looking for scapegoats, people they can take their anger out on who they perceive as being weaker, defenceless without the means to fight back.

[Unhappyexpat]

He wants to hit and humiliate your son?

I would not stay a moment in a relationship with such a man.

[Marynary]

He clearly doesn't like your DS and that will big problem for you. It was very nasty of him to want to let your DS wet himself to "teach him a lesson". I don't think that he should look after your children anymore. If you want to carry on seeing your DP keep him and your children totally separate and then tell him to butt out if he expresses any opinion on discipline.

[flippinada]

I'm completely bemused by the posters suggesting that OP shouldn't rush to judgment and give her DP the benefit of the doubt.

What on earth for? He's her boyfriend, no relation to the children and they've been together less than two years. Not to mention he doesn't sound like a particularly nice person to be around.

Also, as PP have mentioned 'holding on' to wee can cause medical problems. And yes it can be irritating when children say they don't need the loo then say they do shortly afterwards but forcing them to wait as a punishment is just horrible.