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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Discipline and new DP who is BU?

112 replies

Privilegeismine · 19/02/2016 19:14

DP and I have been together for just under 2 years. We do not live together. I have 4dc 12 years to 4 years old. He has none. I have lived alone since before my youngest dd was born, so I am pretty independent.

I introduced dc to dp after 6 months and gradually increased the time they spent together. They all generally get on well. I have recently started a long term placement at university and dp has been helping out. Picking them up from the child minder and getting them ready for various activities before I get home. I am grateful for his help and tell him so.

DS (8) can be challenging. He is a delight at school, but at home he can be silly and defiant. I handle this by removing his iPad/Xbox or sending him to his room for any major misbehaviour. I do not want to play down his behaviour, it can be frustrating, but it usually results from tiredness. Dc get up at 6am on weekdays.

Here lies the problem. Dp thinks I am too soft on him. He says he ‘gets away with murder’ and needs proper consequences for his actions. Dp has shouted at him on occasion and I felt at the time that it was not his place to do so. He is a teacher so has the scary teacher voice and it scared me! He believes that a good smack did him no harm and that is what ds needs. I have explained my views on this several times and he knows that I will not hit my ds.

We had a day out yesterday that involved a long drive (around 3 hours). We stopped off at the services after an hour and ds said he did not need a wee. Of course, near to home he needed one. Dp said he needed to be taught a lesson, he should have listened before and it shows a lack of respect for both dp and myself. I said I am all for discipline, but making an 8 year old boy wet himself (in my car) to teach him a lesson is not going to happen.

We stopped. Ds had a wee. Dp had a rant about discipline. I said that it is primarily my responsibility if I am here, if I am not it is dp’s. but he needs to do it my way. Dp was not happy about this at all.

Am I too soft or is dp BU?

OP posts:
MrsOs · 19/02/2016 20:11

I think any guy who would want to let a child wet theselves to teach them a lesson has serious issues and i would be worried about him disciplining my kids while i was away especially if he has spoken about smacking. Would you want your son to grow up being scared. I wouldnt want to risk any type of emotional abuse. He sounds horrid hun x

MistressDeeCee · 19/02/2016 20:11

Dealbreaker.

If he ever does move in and progresses to smacking your son, I hope when your son grows up he gives him the biggest, hardest smack of his life, straight in the jaw.

Bully

Original poster
Privilegeismine · 19/02/2016 20:12

No I never will. It is a deal breaker.

I think I just needed someone else to say it so I knew I wasn't being unreasonable!

OP posts:
NickiFury · 19/02/2016 20:13

He'd be out the door on the end of my foot, in fact the moment he mentioned more discipline my guard would have gone up.

ImperialBlether · 19/02/2016 20:15

What's odd is that a teacher who is used to school trips will always say, "Come on kids, go to the loo even if you don't think you need it; there's a long journey ahead of us." They wouldn't just wait until the boy wants it and then think he should just wet himself to teach him a lesson. It's reminding him to go in the first place that teaches him the lesson.

Frankly, the minute anyone mentioned hitting any of my children, they'd be history. And a good teacher who isn't under the pressure he/she's under at school shouldn't have to yell at their friend's child. There are many other ways of getting them to do what you want without yelling.

Original poster
Privilegeismine · 19/02/2016 20:20

We did both tell him to go at the services, but he was adamant he didn't need to (I'm in my final year of a teaching degree so we both knew what would happen).

It was just a total overreaction on 'd'p's part. I wasn't like they'd been fighting all the way back and this was the last straw.

OP posts:
willfuckformichilenstarfood · 19/02/2016 20:21

As a step mum myself I do find DSC behaviour more challenging than her dad. I think you have far less patience as a step parent than you do as a parent. When I bring up behaviour that I feel needs correcting we hardly ever see eye to eye. I don't think I'm being unreasonable or too strict but I think generally parents are softer than step parents.

I would never hit my DSC but I have thought they need a smack at times (Although I'd be mortified if they're dad did smack them)

I think as long as you are confident he won't smack them this is fairly normal feelings as a step parent. Either that or neither of us should have kids! I love my DH & DSC dearly x

happygoluckylady · 19/02/2016 20:21

It sounds like he doesn't really like your children and actually resents them. You are right to run a mile now. You, and your children, deserve more than this bully.

Sophie38 · 19/02/2016 20:27

That's good to hear OP

I'm sorry you are in this position, it's great that the children aren't his iyswim, as that means you can do what the heck you like and he never has to see them again.

Greengardenpixie · 19/02/2016 20:27

I've taught for nearly 25 years in several schools and have NEVER heard any teacher quietly say a child needs a smack

Really??????

I have heard plenty and worse than that!

Original poster
Privilegeismine · 19/02/2016 20:29

Thanks for the insight into the other side willfuck.

I know he must find some of his behaviour frustrating, I do too and I created him! He just seemed so nasty yesterday. He would not have stopped had I not insisted.

OP posts:
Greengardenpixie · 19/02/2016 20:30

I appreciate your position.
Dont make a decision based upon the views on here.
All you may need to do is talk.
I was brought up with smacking. It was the discipline of a certain era.
It doesnt make that person a bad person.

ovenchips · 19/02/2016 20:31

OP Just wondering, as you say the challenging behaviour of your DS has become more regular recently, that it is in fact partly a reaction to your DP?

It does sound like your DS is being somewhat singled out by him.Sad

I agree with other PPs that your DP's way of thinking is completely unnaceptable. It's cruel to make a child wet themselves. It really is. Plus, needing a wee is IMO really not 'bad' behaviour. It's a bit annoying when you have asked him to go to the loo but I really do think ALL children do this to some extent.

HPsauciness · 19/02/2016 20:35

Your ds didn't need a wee after one hour and after another hour and a half he did? It's not like he immediately needed one or was messing around, he may genuinely not have needed one!

To me, having a wee/needing the loo simply isn't a discipline issue, ever. Slightly annoying to have to stop, but not a discipline issue.

The fact that he starts talking about 'disciplining' over a wee is utterly inappropriate.

Does the childminder shout using a scary voice? So why is he?

I do reckon if and when you get rid, the children will actually reveal quite a lot about how he treated them.

NickiFury · 19/02/2016 20:36

I rather think that refusal to acknowledge that smacking has had its day and continuing to push that option alongside a serious suggestion that a child should be made to wet himself does make someone a bad person actually green Hmm

HPsauciness · 19/02/2016 20:37

And- words like 'nasty' 'discipline' 'scary voice', my children would never say that about their dad. He is not their dad, this doesn't sound nice at all, poor them, and I feel bad for you as I can tell you had a lot of hopes for this.

MistressDeeCee · 19/02/2016 20:38

Oh fgs Green

Man meets woman, they get together. When he meets her DC he quickly focuses on one, and starts going on about discipline. Does not respect his partner, as she doesn't discipline her DC according to HIS standards and he thinks its his place to "correct" her, and make it an issue between them at this early stage. They've not even done a couple of years together yet, don't live together, and already rows about discipine.

Its not just "a smack", its the whole intent behind landing in a woman's life then taking set on a little boy in aggressive fashion. It is EXTREMELY aggressive to punish a child by making them wet themself. To prove what? That he's the big "I Am Parent" and what I say goes?

Talk to him about what? He'd be out of the fucking door in 10 seconds flat if it were me, nobody could ever tell me they are going to put their hand on my child, and remain in my presence after that

OP seems on the ball with this one, thankfully, and knows what protecting a child from a bully means

ADishBestEatenCold · 19/02/2016 20:40

If you had only been in the car for one hour when stopping at the services, of course it is perfectly possible for your DS not to have needed to go then, but to then have needed nearly two hours later!

I don't think toileting should be turned into a disciplining matter either. In my experience that can create more problems that it solves.

Also, what's with the scary shouting ... scary enough to scare you? Not to mention raising the subject of believing that "a good smack did him no harm and that is what ds needs". Really? Did he really say, that was what your son needs?

All this is making me wonder when the deterioration in your son's behavior began. Is there a link her?

JapaneseSlipper · 19/02/2016 20:41

"Dp said he needed to be taught a lesson, he should have listened before and it shows a lack of respect for both dp and myself."

What exactly did he want to happen? Did he want your son to wet himself? Or did he just want him to be really uncomfortable for a long time?

Or did he not really know what he wanted to happen, he didn't actually have a larger plan, he just felt irritated and wanted your son to feel his pain?

HPsauciness · 19/02/2016 20:41

It's also, as MistressDeeCee says, awful that he's focused on one child. He hasn't mentioned smacking once, but you have had to tell him several times. He goes on about being too soft, needing more discipline, teaching him a lesson, it actually gets worse. This is an eight year old boy, a little boy. Does he go after the other children like this (or are they quite intimidated by his scary voice?)

Original poster
Privilegeismine · 19/02/2016 20:42

Ovenchips, I think his behaviour has become worse since I've been on placement and the early mornings started.
He wasn't this bad before then and we'd been together a fairly long time with no real problems.
He's always been a 'challenging' child. He gets angry easily and hits out at his sisters or occasionally still throws tantrums. He's alway worse on a Saturday after he's slept at his Dad's because he has less sleep.
Taking away his screen time does seem to work temporarily (until the next day and he's forgotten all about it). If I ask why he's done something he always says its because he doesn't like his sisters...

OP posts:
Sophie38 · 19/02/2016 20:42

yy there is certainly more going on here. Setting himself up in a 'choose me or your children' dynamic

what a tosser Sad

Glad you realised OP. That's all. It's horrible to feel like you have invested time with someone who turns out to want to ruin things, but at least you are aware of it now and can act.

So many people let it ride, with appalling damage to their children as a result.

Shallishanti · 19/02/2016 20:43

I would not want him teaching my children, still less moving into a step parent role
I really wonder what his beliefs about children and behaviour are if he expresses himself like that
I also think he is on dodgy ground professionally, having a relationship with a pupil's parent- and as a student teacher, OP you should be reflecting on that too
Get rid.

Janeymoo50 · 19/02/2016 20:46

Does he seem harsher with DS8 than the others?

Sophie38 · 19/02/2016 20:46

fwiw mine was all about testing my loyalty

him: 'well I'd have done [insert implausible punishment]'

me: 'well, I wouldn't do that as he is just a small child'

him: 'well what if I suggested you beat him? Would you even listen to my opinion on it?'

me: 'No. Because he's not your child, and you're a ridiculous fool'.

twat.