Discipline and new DP who is BU?

[Privilegeismine]

DP and I have been together for just under 2 years. We do not live together. I have 4dc 12 years to 4 years old. He has none. I have lived alone since before my youngest dd was born, so I am pretty independent.

I introduced dc to dp after 6 months and gradually increased the time they spent together. They all generally get on well. I have recently started a long term placement at university and dp has been helping out. Picking them up from the child minder and getting them ready for various activities before I get home. I am grateful for his help and tell him so.

DS (8) can be challenging. He is a delight at school, but at home he can be silly and defiant. I handle this by removing his iPad/Xbox or sending him to his room for any major misbehaviour. I do not want to play down his behaviour, it can be frustrating, but it usually results from tiredness. Dc get up at 6am on weekdays.

Here lies the problem. Dp thinks I am too soft on him. He says he ‘gets away with murder’ and needs proper consequences for his actions. Dp has shouted at him on occasion and I felt at the time that it was not his place to do so. He is a teacher so has the scary teacher voice and it scared me! He believes that a good smack did him no harm and that is what ds needs. I have explained my views on this several times and he knows that I will not hit my ds.

We had a day out yesterday that involved a long drive (around 3 hours). We stopped off at the services after an hour and ds said he did not need a wee. Of course, near to home he needed one. Dp said he needed to be taught a lesson, he should have listened before and it shows a lack of respect for both dp and myself. I said I am all for discipline, but making an 8 year old boy wet himself (in my car) to teach him a lesson is not going to happen.

We stopped. Ds had a wee. Dp had a rant about discipline. I said that it is primarily my responsibility if I am here, if I am not it is dp’s. but he needs to do it my way. Dp was not happy about this at all.

Am I too soft or is dp BU?

[Privilegeismine]

I'm not considering moving him with him, even less so after yesterday.

I think I will cut back on the childcare he does. My wonderful childminder keeps them as long as I need her to, it was just done to make my life easier.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

He may be totally different in the classroom but he's putting on a facade there and you are seeing and hearing how he really thinks.

What's that saying 'he showing you who he really is'.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

*he's.

[RaspberryOverload]

It seems to have become more regular recently, where as before it was manageable.

OP, I would seriously consider if the more regular poor behaviour is a result of your relationship with your DP. You say the "teacher" voice can be quite scary. And don't think your DCs won't pick up on any disagreements between you anr your DP. At the very least they'll pick up on atmosphere, and even this could account for the increase in poor behaviour.

Do you leave your DS alone with your DP at times? If so, are you sure that your DP isn't "disciplining" him the way he wants to, rather than how you want it to be done?

[CityFox]

Maybe sometimes you are soft on him but the not letting him go to the toilet to teach him a lesson has really really disturbed me......

[birdlover1977]

My son's teacher also firmly believes the saying 'Spare the rod and spoil the child' and she is one of the worst teachers I have ever had the displeasure of knowing. She frightens the children by shouting at them and barking orders and she also believes that discipline is about punishing a child rather than teaching them. I couldn't imagine living with a person like that. They are your children and you have the right to raise them the way you believe is best. I think you know that this relationship isn't going to last. Best to end it sooner rather than later.

[Seeyounearertime]

when in a relation ship with someone i believe it is important to lay out rules regarding the children of one partner.

When i met my GF she had 2 boys, it was a clear and concise conversation where i basically said i will not ever discipline her kids unless i was the only adult around. if i have an issue with what they're doing i will tell her and she will sort it.

It seems to me that this "man" is overstepping boundaries, i assume these boundaries have been set?
It may be because he has been picking them up and looking after them etc that he feels he has more of a right to administer "discipline" but i think you need to tell him that no, actually they're your kids and you will punish when you see fit and how you see fit.

[bakingaddict]

Seems a bit iffy that he teaches at your kids school and is dating one of his pupil's mum that person being yourself. How did that come about I thought that wasn't allowed or at least classed as borderline unprofessional if it is. I'd leave him straight away

[expatinscotland]

I wouldn't leave my dog with him, much less any of my children. I wouldn't just 'cut back' on the childcare he does, but cut it out entirely. He believes in hitting children and scaring them, what other warning do you need?

[MrsKoala]

I'd be pretty furious if DH suggested smacking ds or forcing him to wet himself to teach him a lesson (wtf?) and he is his father. I'd be apoplectic if a boyfriend suggested those things.

Does he want dc of his own? Is that something you would be doing together?

[bakingaddict]

Sorry did you mean taught as in the past tense at your kids school and not teaching there now. If so ignore my earlier comment

[NotnowNigel]

Even if you were marrying and living together I think it is not his role to discipline your children. He is your choice, not your children's choice. Why should/would they accept such daily guidance/correction from him?

I would avoid leaving them alone with him as much as possible. Teaching will have given him some experience of children and classroom behaviour, but he has absolutely no experience as a parent.

Also, I'm a firm believer in keeping boyfriends apart from dc unless you are going to wed them or you have known them 3 years+ bitter experience lies behind that belief

[PosieReturningParker]

This is not going to work out.

[Oakmaiden]

How "near to home" was "near to home he needed one"? I can see myself saying to my child "You will have to wait until you get home now" if I felt it was a reasonable distance. At 8 years old children SHOULD be able to hold on for a bit.

The whole "discipline is not your job" is a hard one if he is sometimes doing childcare for you. Because he HAS to be able to offer some form of discipline if he is being responsible for your children at any point.

Also - teachers do say "That child could do with a smacked bottom" quite a lot (quietly)... it doesn't mean they would actually like to hit the child (or as someone up thread suggested "enjoy" the idea of smacking a child) - it is used more as a shorthand for "child requires firmer discipline."

[FirstWeTakeManhattan]

I wouldn't leave my dog with him, much less any of my children. I wouldn't just 'cut back' on the childcare he does, but cut it out entirely. He believes in hitting children and scaring them, what other warning do you need

This.

Run a mile, OP.

[Sophie38]

I don't want to sound harsh as you sound like you have your head on straight, and I have been in a similar position with a DP who thought I was too soft and suggested all sorts of colour ful punishments completely unsuitable for a three year old, which I refused to carry out. and then dumped him

But this is your relationship. It's no your children's. I think it would be fine if you want to continue a relationship with this geezer, but please please don't let him take on the role of child minder or 'dad' to your kids.

he's not suitable. And he sounds, sorry, like a bit of a tosser

I loathe men who go out with a woman with kids who is managing PERFECTLY fine and decides that she must be doing it all wrong and needs him to step in and save her from her own children

FFS

[Sophie38]

in other words he is trying to come btween you

break up your functional relationship with your kids and theirs with you

he's got motives here though he may not be aware of them

You know, actually, I would run a fucking mile from him. And not let him near the children, at all, ever again.

[iseenodust]

I find it hard to believe a teacher would condone smacking a child. Unacceptable.

[Privilegeismine]

He did long-term supply at my kids school, we knew each other before but this is how we regained contact.

He does spend some time alone with my son, but when he is on his own he is very well behaved so I don't think he's been 'disciplining' him without my knowledge.

The behaviour is worse around his sisters. He's been banned from watching wrestling after constantly performing wrestling moves on them. DS and DD2 are very close in age and are either best friends or worst enemies, this is where most of the bad behaviour comes from. She knows when to stop, he doesn't.

[Sophie38]

Oh and if you do decide to stay with him, tell him - 'I disagree with you on various aspects of child care and discipline. Therefore we can have a relationship if you want it, but you're not having one with my children, and I don't want your input about how I manage them. Take it or leave it'.

My guess is he wants to have all the power here and will hate the fact you don't do what he says.

[DoreenLethal]

How "near to home" was "near to home he needed one"? I can see myself saying to my child "You will have to wait until you get home now" if I felt it was a reasonable distance. At 8 years old children SHOULD be able to hold on for a bit.

From the OP's sums; it was a 3 hour drive and the toilet request was an hour in, so two hours after the loo break. Which as a 48 year old female I'd be hard pushed to make on some days.

OP - get rid of this nasty piece of work.

[Sophie38]

You may find they don't want to tell you what he does when you aren't there

Mine came out with some stuff I didn't even suspect, after I broke up with the bloke

It was awful to know they had witheld this from me thinking he was allowed to act like that being the 'other adult'

Please don't assume he is behaving kindly when you are absent

[Privilegeismine]

Sophie I agree with everything you have said 100%

He'd needed a wee for about half an hour but we were in traffic and not moving. It would have been another half an hour at least until we got home if there was no traffic.

[MakeItRain]

I've taught for nearly 25 years in several schools and have NEVER heard any teacher quietly say a child needs a smack

I agree with the PP who said your partner's discipline is all about control. It doesn't sound like there's any love there at all for your children. I wouldn't put up with it for a moment.

[WonderingAspie]

Oh dear. It's one of those things that is a deal breaker unfortunately. Thankfully you don't sound like one of those people who put a partner before their children.