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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Discipline and new DP who is BU?

112 replies

Privilegeismine · 19/02/2016 19:14

DP and I have been together for just under 2 years. We do not live together. I have 4dc 12 years to 4 years old. He has none. I have lived alone since before my youngest dd was born, so I am pretty independent.

I introduced dc to dp after 6 months and gradually increased the time they spent together. They all generally get on well. I have recently started a long term placement at university and dp has been helping out. Picking them up from the child minder and getting them ready for various activities before I get home. I am grateful for his help and tell him so.

DS (8) can be challenging. He is a delight at school, but at home he can be silly and defiant. I handle this by removing his iPad/Xbox or sending him to his room for any major misbehaviour. I do not want to play down his behaviour, it can be frustrating, but it usually results from tiredness. Dc get up at 6am on weekdays.

Here lies the problem. Dp thinks I am too soft on him. He says he ‘gets away with murder’ and needs proper consequences for his actions. Dp has shouted at him on occasion and I felt at the time that it was not his place to do so. He is a teacher so has the scary teacher voice and it scared me! He believes that a good smack did him no harm and that is what ds needs. I have explained my views on this several times and he knows that I will not hit my ds.

We had a day out yesterday that involved a long drive (around 3 hours). We stopped off at the services after an hour and ds said he did not need a wee. Of course, near to home he needed one. Dp said he needed to be taught a lesson, he should have listened before and it shows a lack of respect for both dp and myself. I said I am all for discipline, but making an 8 year old boy wet himself (in my car) to teach him a lesson is not going to happen.

We stopped. Ds had a wee. Dp had a rant about discipline. I said that it is primarily my responsibility if I am here, if I am not it is dp’s. but he needs to do it my way. Dp was not happy about this at all.

Am I too soft or is dp BU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Privilegeismine · 19/02/2016 20:46

As far as I'm aware he has never had to tell the girls off. Maybe a raised voice to dd2 and ds if they're arguing. He does seem to think everything is ds's fault, even if he was provoked.

OP posts:
flippinada · 19/02/2016 20:48

Privilege you sound sensible and I would trust your instincts on this. DP sounds like a spiteful bully. Teaching a child a lesson by forcing them to wet themselves is cruel and humiliating (I know this didn't happen but that's what he was getting at wasn't it)

Btw I was also of the generation where smacking children as discipline was deemed acceptable (I'm early 40s). I absolutely loathed it and don't use it to discipline my own DC.

Sophie38 · 19/02/2016 20:49

He has issues. IMO? He is playing out an age old role play in his subconscious, and this time, he intends to win.

God knows what it's about but I would not trust him around your children.

QuiteLikely5 · 19/02/2016 20:53

I think people are being harsh here. Dh has told me one of our dc needs a smack, I said nope and that was it, he is no monster.

Also I too have told my dc they would have to wait for the loo after they previously refused to go at a service station.

I was merely teaching her a lesson! So yes she had to hold her pee in until we got home but that would not have been the case had she gone to the loo when I told her too.

Obviously some people on this thread think the above things are serious crimes!

Hmmm I'm not so sure........

Original poster
Privilegeismine · 19/02/2016 20:54

Thank you for all the words of wisdom.

It has definitely helped me to see things clearly and I will be ending the relationship. Its simply not worth the risk.

OP posts:
willfuckformichilenstarfood · 19/02/2016 20:56

Also, I find that when I'm alone with DSC they are also better behaved. I think half of the frustration with step parenting is kids pushing the boundaries with their real parents crossed with the feeling of lack of discipline. Which I know is not true but the tolerance levels as posted previously x I actually had an argument with DH last weekend, I disciplined whilst he was out. Then DSC said it was an accident and he believed her. It wasn't an accident and I told him if he didn't stand by my discipline decision (if I'm good enough to look after DSC I'm good enough to discipline) then I won't take care of her anymore. DSC was a crap bag all weekend though, just a bad week. I had to walk out in fear of losing it (not violently) a little walk round tesco did the trick xxxx

goddessofsmallthings · 19/02/2016 20:58

He just seemed so nasty yesterday He showed what he's really like and it's not a pleasant sight.

Why was he driving your car yesterday? Doesn't he have one of his own?

Dp has shouted at him on occasion and I felt at the time that it was not his place to do so It is very definitely NOT his place to so but it seems you didn't nip this in the bud the first time he shouted at your ds. Why haven't you called him on it before?

^We do not live together* If you were to live with this arrogant prick your 8yo ds's life will be a misery as he has already begun to scapegoat him.

If ds acts out because he gets overtired make some adjustments to his routine such as instituting quiet time shortly after school so that he can get a second wind which will carry him forward to bedtime, and PLEASE invest in this book - I've linked to Amazon.com because the reviews are more extensive than the co.uk site but you can pick it up cheaply on eBay:
www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889

I hope the responses on this thread have persuaded you that you should never leave your dc in this man's care and that you have realised that he does not have any care for their feelings, or for yours. Bin the fucker and be prepared for your dc to disclose how they really feel about him.

wtffgs · 19/02/2016 21:00

What works with 32 kids does not translate to a domestic setting (ps I am the soppy, kid-hugging teacher as much as I am strict disciplinarian).

It sounds like your "D"P wants to be alpha male - against an 8 year old! I wouldn't let my kids be frightened of anyone in their home.

ovenchips · 19/02/2016 21:00

That's pretty telling then, I think, OP. There is a negative link between your son's behaviour and your DP being with him. That's a red flag to me.

You seem to be very honest about the fact that your son's behaviour can be challenging but that really doesn't give your DP the right to do what he does. To react like that to a child wanting a wee on a car journey is absolutely about power and control and nothing to do with discipline.

I think your instincts are right about all of it and you should be guided by them.

goddessofsmallthings · 19/02/2016 21:09

It has definitely helped me to see things clearly and I will be ending the relationship. Its simply not worth the risk

Well done, OP. You have unquestionably made the right decision as the only risk worth taking with dc is NONE. We cannot protect our precious dc from every hazard in their journey to adulthood, but we can most certainly protect them from harsh words and harsh treatment from those we allow into our lives and into our homes.

TonySopranosVest · 19/02/2016 21:11

Fuck. That. Shit.

You have been raising your children alone for four years. Look inside yourself and believe in the choices and decisions you have made and stand by them. Do not allow some interloper to come in and take over the reigns.

At the risk of being cliched the red flags here are waving more than the Railway Children. This man is an ARSE. Who complains about a child needing a wee FFS? (Me, I complain...it's frustrating and annoying, I get that but I would NEVER made an issue out of it and cause an argument. Jesus!)

Dontlaugh · 19/02/2016 21:14

There was a word in a previous post - "scapegoating". That exactly what your stbxdp is doing to your 8 year old. There are many cases in family law of a particular child being targeted in a blended family, by an incomer, usually a male.
He does not sound like he would enhance your children's lives OP, based on what you've posted. I hope you do follow through and dump him.

OhYouLuckyDuck · 19/02/2016 21:14

He is a teacher so has the scary teacher voice and it scared me!

A good teacher would not need to use a scary teacher voice and certainly should not be able to scare adults with it. Firm, yes, scary no.

LTB.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 19/02/2016 21:18

Do you only have one boy OP. Could he be seeing him as some sort of rival or an extension of his Dad? Has your boy confided anything to his Dad or sisters about your boyfriend?

FlatOnTheHill · 19/02/2016 21:23

Dont like the sound of all this. How awful for you. He has no kids so does not have a clue. I would be worried he would loose it and hit your son. Sounds like he has got it in for him. Please think about what you are doing here.
I know he helps out whilst you are studying but you may have to rethink this relashionship

Sophia1984 · 19/02/2016 21:25

Attitudes to bringing up children/discipline are such a major thing, and one of those things that people have strong (often unshakeable) views on. Would you choose to have a child with someone who thought hitting their child was ok? If not, I think you need to consider whether he's someone you're happy to keep in your children's lives. I am also shocked he's a teacher! I have a scary teacher voice, but only use it on teenagers who play their music loudly on the bus - I can't imagine using it on my (future) child or other relatives. Having said that, I'm not yet a mum so my opinion may not be valid on this.

Gabilan · 19/02/2016 21:27

He doesn't want to discipline DS; he wants to control, subjugate and bully him. He sounds horrible and I'm glad you've decided to end things.

I was smacked back when it was what parents did. It made me resentful and secretive.

janethegirl2 · 19/02/2016 21:39

I'm very glad you've decided to get rid of your 'd'p over this issue. He sounds a bit of a control freak.

Sophia1984 · 19/02/2016 21:40

Also, you sound like you have your mind made up on this and I'm glad you've seen how unreasonable he is being, but I wanted to add that using not being allowed to wee as a punishment could be both physically and emotionally damaging.

BlueJug · 19/02/2016 21:46

You have been with this man for two years. He previously taught your kids so you have known him a while. You trusted him enough to introduce him to your kids. Suddenly you will be ending the relationship because of a couple of comments.

He has never hit your kids and it is very unlikely that he ever would. It was a comment. As was the comment about the loo. He is not a monster.

If you finish with him - fine - but not because a load of people on the internet say you should. Talk to him, work this out, discuss it like adults. Otherwise your kids have to lose him too.

If you really feel you have been wrong for two years - fair enough - but not just because of this.

harshbuttrue1980 · 19/02/2016 21:46

At first it sounded like you were being too soft and raising spoilt brats. Then I got to the part where he would have let your child wee himself to teach him a lesson. That is NOT on, and I would actually say would be borderline abuse (and I'm not one of those people who scream abuse at everything). I don't actually have a problem with a soft smack on the bum (not leaving marks) if a child is naughty, but forcing a child to soil himself is cruel, calculated and humiliating beyond words.

Under normal circumstances, with a normal partner, I would say that, if you are going to get the partner to help you with childcare, then that partner has to be allowed to discipline the kids so they don't run rings around him. In this case, I would urge you to put your kids first and dump this awful man.

BlueJug · 19/02/2016 21:50

But would he have let the child wet himself or was he just saying - as we all do sometimes = "You'll have t wait a bit".

If the former - I agree - awful. If the latter....? Talk to him

janethegirl2 · 19/02/2016 21:51

Dump him, he was being seriously unreasonable.

harshbuttrue1980 · 19/02/2016 21:55

Even the threat of wetting himself is bad enough though. I'm not a parent, but I'm a teacher, and I expect the kids to go to the loo at breaktime. However, if one of them asked to go in the lesson after break, I tell them to ask me again in 5 minutes time. Kids can be pains, but that 5 minutes waiting time separates the ones who are being silly from the ones who genuinely need to go. The thought of any child even THINKING that being made to wet themselves might be a possibility - no, no, NO.

sleeponeday · 19/02/2016 21:59

Firstly, he seems to be treating the girls and boy very differently, which isn't okay. But the other thing that really jumps out at me is that he seems to feel he has the right to discipline you, as well as your children. When you prefer to adopt a different parenting style with your children (not letting them run wild, just a calmer and frankly more modern approach - consequences, not fear) he gets angry and shouts at you. Who the hell does he think he is, to do that? Hmm

Very pleased you're choosing the kids over a bloke. It's always depressing to see how many women don't. Flowers to you, OP.

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