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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is being selfish

131 replies

KitchenNightmare99 · 19/02/2016 16:32

I am heading out tonight for a friends birthday DS is 1.5. DH works shifts and usually my nights out fall on nights he's working...on those nights my DM will keep DS. On his nights out obviously DS stays with me. Anyway tonight I am out and DH is keeping DS...he has planned for golf tomorrow morning at 8.30am and is staying after work
Tonight to go to the gym. I am meant to be out for 7 DH has said he'll not be home until
I have to go out. So I have to get ready, get DS his dinner and ready for bed while DH just swans in and DS will be sleeping for 7.30 AIBU to this he is being a selfish pr*ck

OP posts:
PegsPigs · 19/02/2016 18:51

I'd send him a message when you're out but late enough that he'll have gone to sleep saying you'll be crashing at someone's house but will try and be home for 8.30am. Then as late past 7 he us tonight be that much late past 8.30am tomorrow. Petty yes. But then if you don't stand up to this dickish behaviour he will continue being a dick. The gym twice in one day when you're going out? Do me a favour.

LaceOddity · 19/02/2016 18:52

I wouldn't be passive aggressive and stay out all night. There's no point playing games as this isn't the sort of behaviour you want to mimic or encourage.

I would confront his behaviour straight. Sit your dh down and have a serious chat about why he thinks such a cocky lack of respect for you is acceptable.

Quoteunquote · 19/02/2016 19:00

'What time are you going out'
'7pm'
'Fine I'll be home then'
'But I need to get ready'
'Well that's your problem'
Hangs up

I think that your problem is him.

I would ask him if he is aware that his attitude is not working for you,

I don't think he cares,

You have to make sure that changes that, or your child will imitate it, and the teen years will be hell.

Bogeyface · 19/02/2016 19:10

I agree with asking him if he wants to stay in the relationship and if he does then certain things are non negotiable vis â vis leisure time.

Three things should be equal a)his leisure time (including going to the gym) b) your leisure time (including getting ready time) and c) family time with your dc. You both get a lie in the morning after a night out to sleep off any over indulgence.

If he claims that that isnt fair then you know that all he is interested in is getting what he wants and to hell with you. If that is the case then you need to consider your future with (or not) this man.

Purplehonesty · 19/02/2016 19:18

He is a twit. You sound lovely and I really hope you enjoyed your night out and had chance to get ready properly at your mums.

yorkshapudding · 19/02/2016 19:23

Loving the double-standard of some posters, the OP is a high maintenance "princess" for wanting an hour to herself to get ready for a rare night out but her DH being too busy to look after their child because he can't possibly limit himself to one gym session a day is fine Hmm.

The guy speaks to the OP like shit and clearly resents being asked to look after his own child for a few hours but yeah, it's clearly OP's admission that she finds it difficult to get ready with a toddler under her feet that we should be focusing on here. The point is, it really isn't too much to ask that he skip the second gym session for one fucking day and come straight home from work to spend some time with his child and give his wife a break. If he thinks it is too much to ask then that's a problem.

Phoeberdoos · 19/02/2016 19:25

Hope you're enjoying your night out!

Did you get to leave the house on time?

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer · 19/02/2016 19:25

Is he home yet?

RaspberryOverload · 19/02/2016 19:27

Lurkedforever1 Both my DCs had a period of time when toddlers when you needed someone to mind them, or you simply couldn't get ready. They were into everything and getting ready was a marathon.

So, yes I do feel that the OP's DH is displaying arsehole behaviour by refusing to mind the DC to allow OP time to get ready. Which was made clear in the phone conversation reported by the OP.

By saying 'Well that's your problem' he was making it very clear he didn't want to be inconvenienced by his own DC. It's an indication of larger problems within the relationship, it's not just about having time to get ready.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 19/02/2016 19:29

It's not a rare night out though, OP says her mum has her child often whilst she goes out of her partner is at work. It also sounds like the mum does the daily childcare as she says "she just keeps him there if I go out".

It is selfish and entitled to expect so much help and taking the kick to then take the child there again just so she can get ready.

If he's selfish for going to the gym and golf then the OP equally is. The DM isn't helping by being at the beck and call of her daughter rather than getting on with her own life.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 19/02/2016 19:30

"Or just don't get DC ready, dump him in DH's arms as soon as he comes in and tell him it's all down to him as you walk out of the door."

^ this.

"Hmmm maybe point out that if you end up divorcing over his controlling attitude he'll find his golf and "nights out" starting at 3 pm will disappear every other weekend when he has your son."

Exactly what I was thinking.

Sunnybitch · 19/02/2016 19:33

What yorkshapudding said with bells on.
And bloody tinsel!

yorkshapudding · 19/02/2016 19:37

"If he's selfish for going to the gym and golf then the OP equally is. "

He's not selfish for wanting to go to the gym or play golf. He's selfish for choosing to go to the gym twice in on this particular day when he knew that OP had plans...or should I say because he knew that OP had plans.

Oakmaiden · 19/02/2016 19:49

I do think to a small extent it depends on how often OPs nights out are. If this is a rare thing, then I agree, HIBU. If the OP goes out once or twice a week, then less so...

browneyedgirl1974 · 19/02/2016 19:51

Yanbu. Have a great night out.

Lurkedforever1 · 19/02/2016 20:00

raspberry every toddler I've known has gone through that stage, including mine. But I just think it's one of those things you build into your plans when you have kids, rather than a problem you can't manage without help. I'm seeing his response as more 'I don't see the problem with getting ready with a toddler, so if you do then it's your problem to solve'. Rather than 'the responsibility for childcare in general is not my problem'.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/02/2016 20:24

Autumn you imagined the word often in that sentance

CalleighDoodle · 19/02/2016 20:50

I cannot believe there are people who do not see an issue with the op's dp's attitude!

RaspberryOverload · 19/02/2016 23:18

Lurkedforever1 You appear to be trying to separate everything into discrete problems.

His attitude may not be a problem when taken in isolation but it's the overall picture I'm looking at; that he's consistently tried to sabotage her nights out, coupled with the attitude that he doesn't care about OP needing time, etc. That he hung up in the way described reinforced my feeling about this.

Lurkedforever1 · 19/02/2016 23:32

raspberry not at all. But as I've said, if he's generally an arse, then I don't think bringing up/ kicking off over a situation where he's not being an arse is constructive. Ops point would sound a lot more valid if she kept to situations where he is being an arse.

Sunnybitch · 19/02/2016 23:38

How is he not being an arse tho lurked?
He doesn't go to the gym after work, he goes in the morning (which he did ) but on the very night that op is going out and he will have to look after his child he suddenly needs to go to gym again....

browneyedgirl1974 · 19/02/2016 23:41

Most people on this thread have agreed he is being an arse. The phone call was arsey and he clearly cba to care for his child as he seems only prepared to do the child care when said child is asleep.

browneyedgirl1974 · 19/02/2016 23:42

Exactly sunny

arethereanyleftatall · 20/02/2016 01:08

Yabu.
This is the kind of op and subsequent 'all men are shit' responses, that give the impression than mners are a bunch of man haters.
What it actually boils down to is the op doesn't want to put her mascara on whilst being in care of one child.
Fgs.
Give dc a pile of megabloks, get ready and go out and have a good time. Dh gets a bit of down time at the gym too after work. Win win.

Sunnybitch · 20/02/2016 01:17

Yes ofc that's it are no more to the story than that Hmm