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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is being selfish

131 replies

KitchenNightmare99 · 19/02/2016 16:32

I am heading out tonight for a friends birthday DS is 1.5. DH works shifts and usually my nights out fall on nights he's working...on those nights my DM will keep DS. On his nights out obviously DS stays with me. Anyway tonight I am out and DH is keeping DS...he has planned for golf tomorrow morning at 8.30am and is staying after work
Tonight to go to the gym. I am meant to be out for 7 DH has said he'll not be home until
I have to go out. So I have to get ready, get DS his dinner and ready for bed while DH just swans in and DS will be sleeping for 7.30 AIBU to this he is being a selfish pr*ck

OP posts:
AskingForAPal · 19/02/2016 17:34

YANBU to want to make an effort, and you are certainly not a "princess" to expect your husband, the father of your child, to come home in enough time to give that child his tea and put him to bed. Even if you weren't going out!

Don't listen to people being dickish about it. You're not saying you CAN'T get ready with your son there, you're saying you'd like him to take over childcare at his normal time to come home. Not exactly the moon on a stick is it.

Lotsofplanetshaveanorth · 19/02/2016 17:34

Yep ..I don't like princess either.... She wants to look nice for a night out away from her child and asshat Dp. Not a dreadful trait surely?

Sunnybitch · 19/02/2016 17:37

Christ almighty kiwi being a bit of a bitch much??

HanYOLO · 19/02/2016 17:41

"DH you need to be home by 6 to give me an hour to get ready.

Also I will be out of action till 12, so you'd better plan golf for the afternoon, or take DS with you, or plan it for Sunday."

EweAreHere · 19/02/2016 17:43

Tell him you're going for a healthy walk tomorrow morning to perk yourself up for the day, but you'll try to be home for 8:30...

gleekster · 19/02/2016 17:44

Your DH sounds like a total cockwomble. what is the point of him if he takes such pleasure in making your life difficult? Your partner is supposed to help and support you, take the pressure off.

He is displaying worrying controlling behaviour if he is a repeat offender in trying to make it difficult for you to go out. Do you have form for cheating? No? Thought not.

Lurkedforever1 · 19/02/2016 17:48

Taking just this scenario, I still don't agree he's being an arse, if I'd ever been told I couldn't exercise twice in a day because someone else wanted to get ready without a toddler before going out while I stayed home for the night, I'd think they were bu. Granted if I'd been away all day I'd be saying leave bath etc I'll do it so I could spend time with my child. And it could well be he's an arse in general with massive double standards. In which case yanbu to read the riot act about his general attitude. I just don't think this particular scenario is the issue to hang it on, or representative by itself of him being an arse.

givepeasachance · 19/02/2016 17:50

I guarantee this is not isolated behaviour and he is indeed an arse in many different ways.

Bet he does fuck all round the house
Talks of 'babysitting' his own child
Puts his job and hobbies over everything else
Doesn't ask your permission when he want to do something but expects you to.

Go and have a great night, and turn your phone off - bet he calls you when you are out too.

magoria · 19/02/2016 17:52

He is being selfish.

What are you going to do long term to sort it out?

LilaTheTiger · 19/02/2016 17:58

My ex was just like this.

Note "ex".

oneangrydwarf · 19/02/2016 17:59

Of course YANBU. Despite some of the responses on here (clearly either posters just being goady, martyrs or your DP himself!) please don't think for a second that you are.

On the rare chance to get a night out, getting peace and quiet to get ready and feel a bit more like yourself is a big part of the enjoyment. Plus not having to be back on toddler duty first thing so you worry all evening about taking it easy/getting enough sleep.

As for the way he spoke to you. :-( so sorry, he's a twat. And like others have pointed out, you and your mum do seem to be enabling this behaviour.

Please try to have a good night regardless. I hope you have good friends, maybe try to have a chat about it.

EweAreHere · 19/02/2016 18:03

I've changed my mind.

Stay out and then crash at a friend's tonight. Tell you mum not to have DS in the morning if your partner calls.

Then plan to have a long talk with your DP about whether or not he wants to say in the relationship, because if he does, his attitude and treatment of you must change now. No excuses.

oobedobe · 19/02/2016 18:05

I think if you are usually home first and usually give DS his tea then you should do that regardless of whether you are going out. After that though I would be putting the TV for DS on while I got myself ready and leave his bath, tidying up and putting to bed for your DH.

I used to meet my friends at 8pm, and deal with the DCs first (DH often home late)- so I never got a true night off. Now we book the restaurant for 7pm and let the husbands do all the putting to bed kid wrangling Wink

I do not think your mum should be helping in this situation, though she does sound lovely!

whatdoIget · 19/02/2016 18:05

The husband sounds like the princess on this relationship! He can't possibly not go to the gym twice in a day, or look after his own child, or not play golf. High maintenance or what?!

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/02/2016 18:09

I think if you are usually home first and usually give DS his tea then you should do that regardless of whether you are going out. Why?

PhoebeMcPeePee · 19/02/2016 18:11

He's being a selfish arse. Next time he has plans please make sure you suddenly need to go out (no pre-warning or planning of course) and just leave him to deal with DC. He is still living the single life & will never ever step-up if you are there for 24/7 childcare, housework etc.

honeylulu · 19/02/2016 18:11

Hmmm maybe point out that if you end up divorcing over his controlling attitude he'll find his golf and "nights out" starting at 3 pm will disappear every other weekend when he has your son.

expatinscotland · 19/02/2016 18:12

I wouldn't ever tell him I was going out until it was time to get ready. Stop using your mum like this.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 19/02/2016 18:13

I'd not be arranging a babysitter just to get ready in peace, seems a waste of time to put somebody else out. It already sounds like she does a lot of childcare for your other nights out.

He was rude on the phone but I don't think its the end of the world that he wants to go to the gym before you head out for the night. As long as he's home before you need to leave.

I think the "babysitting" phrase used by men is no different than the "childcare" one used by women. Neither do either, it's just parenting.

hefzi · 19/02/2016 18:19

If he always does this, either a) leave him or b) give him a time an hour earlier than you are actually leaving, so he can take over whilst you get ready. What a prat he is!

RaspberryOverload · 19/02/2016 18:22

Lurkedforever1 The OP has already said that her DH is always being difficult about OP's nights out, so this isn't a one-off.

ILikeUranus · 19/02/2016 18:22

The gym twice in one day, and golf first thing tomorrow? No interest in sharing parenting responsibility equally? No support for facilitating stuff you want to do? Are you his wife, or just a babysitter for him?

I'd actually be suspecting an affair if I were you (disclaimer: I discovered my H had one 2 months ago, and he is not the type - I'd have bet our house he'd never have an affair before that - so I may be more suspicious than most people. Especially as he went to 'the gym' a lot, and very rarely was at the actual gym. Even he never tried to use that excuse twice in one day though!

Pseudo341 · 19/02/2016 18:34

I'm getting increasingly interested in all these toddlers who will apparently happily entertain themselves while you get ready to go out. Even apparently being placated with TV at the end of the day despite being all tired and grumpy. I assume there is some kind of drug involved, where can I buy it please?

bialystockandbloom · 19/02/2016 18:35

What a prick - 'punishing' you for daring to have a night out. YANBU.

Lurkedforever1 · 19/02/2016 18:42

raspberry and that's a valid reason to call him on. But saying 'not minding ds while I'm getting ready makes it difficult' will undermine any actual arsehole behavior, because by itself it isn't an example of being difficult. Pull him on buggering off to golf when op doesn't get chance, or not pulling his weight childcare wise, or having more than his share of nights out etc.