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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it is cruel to pick on a man for this

167 replies

alpacaonfire · 18/02/2016 21:57

There is a young guy on our office relatively recently joined. Although he's early ish 20s he is significantly bald. My female manager early 30s is forever commenting on it, sometimes on front of him sometimes not. He smiles and laughs along but I sense he is actually quite hurt by the things she says and embarrassed about his baldness and relative youth. AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 20/02/2016 10:48

My DH was bullied at work the men who did it actually used the word Banter at the tribunial meeting and DH was oversensitive

ilovesooty · 20/02/2016 10:49

Sadly MrsJayy that's all too common. Hope your husband is ok now.

SuperFlyHigh · 20/02/2016 10:50

Aren't you a little ray of sunshine Flat!

Only yesterday I was speaking to a friend (yes both been bullied at work) and was discussing how awful this is.

I suggest you read, read and read again your company policy on bullying etc.

I think it's out of print now too but Andrea Adams book on bullying check Amazon is great and points out what/who/why bully and what you can do.

OP. I think report twatty manager but before doing so could you go for a coffee with your male colleague and tactfully ask him about this bullying if it bothers him (maybe don't ask that!) or just skirt round issue and ask how he's getting on how he finds this manager etc. you aren't complicit really in any way either it's just hard to know what to say and do when these stupid comments are made.

SuperFlyHigh · 20/02/2016 10:51

Ps the read and re-read company policy was to flat

MrsJayy · 20/02/2016 10:53

Yeah he is ok now he was promoted last year he moved from where he was he works in a mostly male industry where you are meant to be manly its ridiculous

Postchildrenpregranny · 20/02/2016 11:01

Havent RFT but had no idea men were so sensitive about baldness (DH still has full head of hair) until I worked with a guy in his late 40s who really hated the fact he was balding .Other female colleagues and -we were all good friends-tried to reassure him that few women find baldness unattractive (not comb overs .) So it could well be a sensitive issue .But the issue in OP is that raising anyone's personal appearance is a no-no unless they raise it first?Especially a female manager to a younger guy

Salmotrutta · 20/02/2016 11:05

"Banter" is a word that get hauled out to excuse all sorts of crappy behaviour.

I dare say men/women who sexually harass others would say "Oh but it's only a bit of banter"

TapDancingPimp · 20/02/2016 11:07

Really pleased to read the whole and learn it has been reported, well done, OP Smile

Sticking up for victims of bullying can be incredibly difficult, not to mention brave - I remember years ago in my old workplace a colleague (who had a reputation for her inappropriate remarks and touchy-feely behaviour) completely humiliated a temp that I happened to be working on a project with.

I can't remember what the comments were but she kept on and on with the snide remarks, thinking she was hilarious. I couldn't stand it any longer and called her on it, she retorted with a big "oooooohh why so defensive Tap? Have you got a thing for

SirChenjin · 20/02/2016 11:25

Ohh...the old 'it's just banter' BS.

If you're going to pull that one, make sure that it really is appreciated by the other person, and if you're the boss, never ever use 'banter' with your team - because that power dynamic makes it very hard for them to challenge you without worrying about their position in the organisation (esp if you're the kind of person who doesn't know if your organisation even has an anti bullying policy or what it says)

Boomingmarvellous · 20/02/2016 11:37

Stop focusing on him and focus on the perpetrator.

Speak to her privately about her bullying, sexist, discriminatory behaviour and say you will take it further.

If she turns her bullying behaviour on you be prepared to take it higher.

She is a disgrace to management.

SolidGoldBrass · 20/02/2016 12:05

Some people are oversensitive. A robust happy team who joke with each other can be completely disrupted if they get landed with a special snowflake who's forever running off crying to HR - and there are also people who whine that they are being bullied when they are just being reprimanded for bad work or laziness.

TapDancingPimp · 20/02/2016 12:19

Um, I think everyone is within their own right to attend their place of work without being subjected to catty remarks about their appearance (especially from their manager who supposed to be a figure of trust) - this is not over-sensitivity!

Grilledaubergines · 20/02/2016 12:22

solid you sound like exactly the sort of person workplaces need to eradicate. What you have written makes you sound a bully.

SirChenjin · 20/02/2016 12:24

That's not what's happening here Solid.

A "robust happy team" can also exist without anyone's appearance being made fun of - no "special snowflake" and no "running off crying to HR".

SmellsLikeMiddleAgeSpirit · 20/02/2016 12:35

My DD's lovely DP is balding and in his mid 20's, and I found out when they were visiting that he was on anti-depressants. I couldn't help but wonder if these two things were related.

He is entering a new profession now and hope he doesn't end up with twattish colleagues like the one you mention, OP. I'm glad you reported her.

SuperFlyHigh · 20/02/2016 13:07

Solid if this man is unhappy then he's unhappy about it. This isn't the 1970s anymore where you can makes jokes in work about sex/race/religion etc.

TapDancingPimp · 20/02/2016 13:14

Would it be brushed off as quickly if it were a balding female colleague? I doubt it.

SirChenjin · 20/02/2016 13:19

'Course it wouldn't - and the special snowflake poster up there would be the first to complain.

Seeyounearertime · 20/02/2016 13:26

Some people are oversensitive.

Yes, that is true, but that doesn't mean you're allowed to mock them for things beyond their control. in fact, if you know someone is sensitive about something then the last thing you should do is mock them for it. unless you're an arsehole of course.

PovertyPain · 20/02/2016 13:34

If a staff member thinks someone is sensitive and continue to tease bully them, then they're a complete bullying wanker, in my book.

Gabilan · 20/02/2016 13:59

A good manager should build a team by being inclusive. Mocking someone's physical appearance or calling them a special snowflake isn't inclusive. And generally I'm dealing with enough crap at work without sorting out bullying knobends as well.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/02/2016 13:59

Some people are oversensitive.

Probably because they have had the same shit passed off as banter for a long time.

What people have to realise about bullying is that it doesn't matter why you did it, all that matters is how others perceive it.

BeeppityBeep · 20/02/2016 14:10

SolidGoldBrass I think you can have friends or family where it's ok to joke around a bit but it's not ok to do in the workplace. It's unprofessional.

I find it hard to believe you would say the same if it was a man joking about female colleagues weight.

SolidGoldBrass · 20/02/2016 15:41

I have already pointed out to the OP that what is happening to her colleague does sound like bullying. In a general way and in other workplaces, though, there are oversensitive people who are a major nuisance to work with: professional victims forever finding something new to whine about, not doing their work properly and yet no one can pull them up on it without them bleating to management that they are being harassed/bullied/persecuted. Get one of these fuckers in a previously happy and productive team and the atmosphere turns utterly poisonous.

SirChenjin · 20/02/2016 18:13

...and that wins the 'Post Most Irrelevant To This Thread' medal.

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