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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not punish DD

159 replies

Milly783 · 17/02/2016 19:57

I've been in a relationship for two years now, we both have DD's the same age (8) and have only recently introduced them to each other, although we live really close to each other, DD's have never interacted, they go to different schools etc , they attend the same Scouting Pack but whilst my DD is a Cub, DP's DD is a brownie, so again they've never interacted. A Group camp set for last weekend, pushed us into introducing them in January, as they've both met us individually already. So far we've only all met up three times together for days out, DP's DD is currently on a diet as she's overweight, so on the days out I made sure DD ate healthy as well, as I know how unfair it would be to give one child treats and not the other.

Back home just DD and I, she asked why she was allowed hot chocolate at home but not when we were out that afternoon and I explained that DP's DD wasn't allowed treats so it was the right thing to do not giving DD any as well, she asked why and I said that it was because she was slightly bigger then she ought to be.

During Camp, the children were making s'mores and DD saw DP's DD eating one and went up to her and said 'you aren't allowed that because you're too big already' DP's DD got really upset and DD was made to apologise.

Their were no more incidents and no Leader told me about it, the first time I heard about it was from a phone call from DP to 'inform me' that DD had called his DD fat and wanting to know what I had done about it.

I replied nothing, as this was the first I was hearing about it. So I asked DD and she said she didn't use the word fat and had already been made to apologise, I texted her Cub Leader and the poor man, who was getting a well deserved rest, backed up her story. I called DP to say that the matter had been sorted out and that their was nothing more to do, he got really sarcastic and then just hung up.

I've spent the past two days very irritated, I think I'm in the right but if I'm not feel free to tell me.

OP posts:
lizzydrippingsghost · 18/02/2016 07:17

shes 8 years old , she repeated what her mom had told her and shes apoligised(sp).
maybe the op should of explained in a different way why the other girl was on a diet, but shes 8, shes a child id leave it at that.
i think if your dp is getting stroppy and is going to fall out with you over your daughters tiffs you problems have only just begun

Fratelli · 18/02/2016 07:34

I just feel really sorry for your dps dd as that comment is likely one she'll remember forever. You should be the one apologising too imo.

mrtwitsglasseye · 18/02/2016 07:37

I'm afraid you're responsible for this, OP. What you said to your dd is incredibly stupid and a damaging message for her as well as dp's dd. Surely you'd say that hot chocolate isn't something you have all the time, sometimes she's allowed it, sometimes not. Why would you link it to weight and size as well as shaming the other girl?

And you should most definitely talk to your dd about how bodies come in all shapes and sizes and we don't comment about other people 's bodies.

I'm not surprised your dp is furious. It might be a deal breaker if I were in his shoes.

AlpacaMyThings · 18/02/2016 08:37

But surly there are mixed messages here for both DD's

Either DP's DD is allowed treats or not. On your day together she wasn't allowed a treat but at camp she had something - so was she was allowed this treat or did she think she could get away with it ? Maybe your DD is right and you need to establish this with your DP. Is he going to punish his DD for sneaking a treat?

When I take my DC's out for a treat it is just that, hot chocolate or fizzy drink and a cake. Is your DD forever going to go without to please your DP? Is that fair?

You and your DP need to agree in advance how you are going to handle such events as one child is going to be disadvantaged and why should it be your child every time?

Lastly, your DD doesn't need to be punished, but you need a discussion about the situation.

I hope you support your DD over your (D)P.

lunar1 · 18/02/2016 09:18

Really Aplaca, an overweight child should never be allowed treats? Sounds like a recipe for hiding food when older to me.

Now that the can of worms is open all the op needs to do is talk to her dd about empathy. Ie, not having treats all the time when they are together to protect her feelings. And not talking about privileged information.

It's not an all or nothing situation, try seeing the shades of grey.

CalleighDoodle · 18/02/2016 09:54

Could she not just have had hot chocolate with skimmed milk and no cream on top? A treat doesnt have to have 1000 calories!

Floggingmolly · 18/02/2016 11:28

Just start eating more healthily Hmm. If op's dd is allowed unlimited treats and her dp's dd isn't allowed any; the "bigger than she should be" situation could reverse itself before she realises it...
Honestly, it all appears to have started with the dd being allowed hot chocolate at home, but not in a cafe on their day trip. She could have just been told "no, we're not having that today, it's an occasional treat only", instead of bringing (anybody's) weight issues into it.

Milly783 · 18/02/2016 11:58

Update: Spent the morning talking with DD about the situation and showing more empathy and how bodies came in all different sizes and that one isn't better than another, she is genuinely remorseful, so I'm leaving it at that. She's currently making a card for DP's DD.

Phoned DP and explained it was all my fault in the first place and that I believed a serious chat with DD was sufficient enough for the situation, she hadn't meant to be hurtful. He was much calmer and apologised for hanging up, we're going to meet up later in the week, to have a proper chat.

For those of you that did agree that I wasn't being unreasonable, thank you, but since I started this mess, it was only right that I fix it.

OP posts:
maydancer · 18/02/2016 12:06

Op , sorry but I think the blame lies squarely with you.No way should you have told your 8 yr old about the other girl being on a diet !

maydancer · 18/02/2016 12:07

sorry, seen your last post where you acknowledge this Flowers

Terribleknitter · 18/02/2016 12:12

Nicely handled OP Smile
Maybe talking about how everyone can eat healthily without actually dieting would be a good idea as well.

SolidGoldBrass · 18/02/2016 12:31

You might want to have a serious think about your P's parenting, as well. Is his DD really obese and under medical supervision, or just a bit chubby in the way many, many healthy children can be? I'd have serious concerns about a man fat-shaming his 8-year-old girl, tbh. Does he actually know anything about nutrition, or is he obsessed with appearances? Does he cook proper food for the DD in general? A father who gives his daughter the impression that she is only lovable and valuable if she eats less is a father doing a fuck of a lot of damage.

Terribleknitter · 18/02/2016 12:38

I don't see anything that suggests the partner is being a bad parent or fat shaming his daughter or implying that she is only lovable when slim. Putting her on a diet isn't a great idea - his focus should be on overall healthy eating for them both rather than 'this is good, this is bad' which is what I see a lot of on here as well as in real life from both mums and dads.
He's not approached it well but it looks very much like the OP doesn't have much more of a clue about how to handle it given what she said to we own daughter.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 18/02/2016 12:40

What on earth Brass?! Hmm

Floggingmolly · 18/02/2016 12:48

We don't even know op's dd is on a "diet" at all. Just that she's not allowed an endless amount of shite like op's dd apparently is
Why should any 8 year old be allowed to snack constantly, weight issues or not?

SquidgeyMidgey · 18/02/2016 12:56

To me it very much depends on how your DD said it- was she being nasty, did she think she was being helpful (rights and wrongs of that aside) etc

If she was being nasty she needs a sharp speaking to, if she was trying to help then a word about diplomacy would be in order.

Either way it sounds to me like your DP has issues with his DD's weight and needs to get his own house in order before he starts telling you how to run yours.

splendide · 18/02/2016 13:16

Flogging - it says in the OP that the girl is on a diet.

SenecaFalls · 18/02/2016 13:19

Actually what SGB said has been running through my mind as I've read this whole thread. And to quote the OP "DP's DD is currently on a diet as she's overweight". I don't think an 8 year old should be on a weight-loss diet as such, more a healthy eating plan, and I think it important to look further at how her father views the issue of his daughter's weight.

Terribleknitter · 18/02/2016 13:22

The OP said the girl was on a diet not that she is only lovable to her father when she's not over weight or that her partner is fat shaming his daughter. That was pure projection. However the Dad is dealing with this it would seem that the OP supports him in it as she told an 8 year old the details...
Anyway the OP seems to have rescued it rather well and hopefully it will lead to them looking into healthy eating together for all of them Smile

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 18/02/2016 13:23

SGB. Did you not read a word of Milly's post 11.58 am. Confused.
I think she is rectifying the situation, now

EweAreHere · 18/02/2016 13:25

The talk, the card, the call ... I definitely think this was the way to help sort the situation you set in motion. Hopefully, seeing your DP will put an end to the matter and you two can work out a way for the girls to become friendlier if you two are going to be together. Good luck!

SenecaFalls · 18/02/2016 13:28

It's not pure projection. It's a fair issue to raise. I do have some experience with this and there have been other threads on MN about fathers' being very concerned about their daughters' weight because of emphasis on the importance of how a person looks. I'm glad SGB raised the issue. It's just one thing for the OP to think about if there are any indications that this is playing a part in the matter.

Terribleknitter · 18/02/2016 13:31

Seneca where does the OP mention that? It is projection and a rather offensive assumption that men are only interested in their daughters if they look good.

Terribleknitter · 18/02/2016 13:32

Sorry Seneca I missed the bit where you said you have experienced this Thanks

PaulAnkaTheDog · 18/02/2016 13:34

It's wild assumptions that are unfair on this man.

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