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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not punish DD

159 replies

Milly783 · 17/02/2016 19:57

I've been in a relationship for two years now, we both have DD's the same age (8) and have only recently introduced them to each other, although we live really close to each other, DD's have never interacted, they go to different schools etc , they attend the same Scouting Pack but whilst my DD is a Cub, DP's DD is a brownie, so again they've never interacted. A Group camp set for last weekend, pushed us into introducing them in January, as they've both met us individually already. So far we've only all met up three times together for days out, DP's DD is currently on a diet as she's overweight, so on the days out I made sure DD ate healthy as well, as I know how unfair it would be to give one child treats and not the other.

Back home just DD and I, she asked why she was allowed hot chocolate at home but not when we were out that afternoon and I explained that DP's DD wasn't allowed treats so it was the right thing to do not giving DD any as well, she asked why and I said that it was because she was slightly bigger then she ought to be.

During Camp, the children were making s'mores and DD saw DP's DD eating one and went up to her and said 'you aren't allowed that because you're too big already' DP's DD got really upset and DD was made to apologise.

Their were no more incidents and no Leader told me about it, the first time I heard about it was from a phone call from DP to 'inform me' that DD had called his DD fat and wanting to know what I had done about it.

I replied nothing, as this was the first I was hearing about it. So I asked DD and she said she didn't use the word fat and had already been made to apologise, I texted her Cub Leader and the poor man, who was getting a well deserved rest, backed up her story. I called DP to say that the matter had been sorted out and that their was nothing more to do, he got really sarcastic and then just hung up.

I've spent the past two days very irritated, I think I'm in the right but if I'm not feel free to tell me.

OP posts:

Concerned97 · 17/02/2016 22:20

You should never have told your DD, fancy arming her with sensitive information about another child!

Also, who appointed your DD to police the food of another child? Totally wrong to appoint herself judge and jury....but again you did arm her with ammunition!

Waltermittythesequel · 17/02/2016 22:22

I have enough sense not to tell one child that another is 'bigger than she should be'.

Are you really that naive, OP?

kawliga · 17/02/2016 22:24

I think your DP is gettng off lightly here while pp concentrate on your DD's behaviour

I agree with this. The girls are both 8 years old, these may not be the last hurtful things they will be saying to each other. What will you and DP do if the squabbles between the girls get bigger and badder? 'She called me fat' is unfortunate, but 8 year olds can come up with worse than that (even without help from their parents).

Griphook · 17/02/2016 22:26

I do wonder what you motivation was in telling your dd that dp's dd was on a diet. It's almost sounds like you wanted dd to feel superior.

There are so many other things you could have said when your dd asked for a hot chocolate

Intheprocess · 17/02/2016 22:29

Am I the only one wondering if the overweight girl had been told by her dad that she shouldn't eat junk food on camp? Could his DD be using this whole situation as a way of getting herself out of trouble for eating the s'more, pretending to be upset at OP's DD but actually upset that she's been found out doing something she shouldn't be doing? Or could the anger be DP trying to get out of the embarrassment he felt at an 8-year-old taking a harder line on his DD's eating habits than he is, and him also displacing the guilt he feels for letting his DD become overweight in the first place?

Concerned97 · 17/02/2016 22:29

I do wonder what you motivation was in telling your dd that dp's dd was on a diet. It's almost sounds like you wanted dd to feel superior

Excellent point!

bakeoffcake · 17/02/2016 22:29

You've realised you are to blame here. I think you should apologise to your partner for saying what you did to your dd.
I think your dd has learnt some really bad messages about food, ink future, don't talk about being fat or overweight, talk about being healthy.

And I can't believe this poor child isn't allowed treats at all. That's not a good way to lose weight, especially for a child.

SueLawleyandNicholasWitchell · 17/02/2016 22:32

What is a smore?

Concerned97 · 17/02/2016 22:33

Or could the anger be DP trying to get out of the embarrassment he felt at an 8-year-old taking a harder line on his DD's eating habits than he is, and him also displacing the guilt he feels for letting his DD become overweight in the first place?

Oh yes excellent idea to give eight year olds the right to police their peers! Brilliant idea, maybe we could get OPs daughter to make the packed lunch and dinner, because at eight she will be able to handle the situation far better than the child's father!

Not sure I've ever heard such nonsense in my life!!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/02/2016 22:33

Seriously flogging doesn't everybody in the history of the world who has an 8yo or has ever had an 8yo know that they are pretty much dictaphones who will without fail repeat parental statements or views almost constantly, and that it's quite unusual for an 8yo to pass coments about anything if they haven't heard a parent or equally valued adult say it or simerler previously?

icy121 · 17/02/2016 22:38

Griphook the OP was just telling her daughter the truth. Maybe not the most tactful thing, but she probably didn't think to lie.

Kids in general (but especially girls) can be horrible, but that's life.

The DP needs to get over it, and work on getting his DD to a better weight for her height/age IMO. I literally remember a (in hindsight, slightly overweight) boy at school in year 5 being chased around the playground by a group of year 3s who were all singing 'Mr Blobby' at him. That was par for the course in the 90s playgrounds, apparently.

I'm sure if it had been the other way round, if the girl had been skinny and didn't happen to fancy a s'more, and someone said 'oh you're so skinny, you look like a twig, you should eat something' there would be no fuss.

OP - there's plenty of good advice on what to do/say with regard both DP and your DD, so the whole thing is fixable. IMO however, the only reason a child is fat is because the parents (either DP or his ex presumably?) allows them to be.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/02/2016 22:38

concerned

She was tattle tailing or what ever they call it these days. Kids have done it for generations and generations.

It starts with telling the person they are not meant to do it then leads to grown ups being told well usually does if you don't put your foot in your mouth and repeat a silly comment your mother made that Ramos up the drama.

Loads of them do it it tends to stop around 9 or 10 because peer reaction sorts it.

Griphook · 17/02/2016 22:40

DP trying to get out of the embarrassment he felt at an 8-year-old taking a harder line on his DD's eating habits than he is,

Even if that is the case it's not down to a child to comment on a negative way on what they are eating. It really is nothing to do with her

goddessofsmallthings · 17/02/2016 22:40

It goes without saying that your dd should not be punished for acting on what you told her and I suspect that, far from having any malice aforethought, she believed she was being helpful in reminding your dp's dd that she shouldn't be tucking into choccy or other treats because she was 'too big' to have them.

In any event, as your dd was made to apologise and reprimanded while at camp, no further action is needed and the 'fat' word has clearly come from your dp who sounds a complete arse and needs to get over himself if your 2 dds are to stand any chance of becoming friends.

MattDillonsPants · 17/02/2016 23:00

I'd like to point out that if the partner's DD is eating good, balanced meals and getting enough exercise then she should be allowed a hot chocolate.

Also I hope it's not called a "diet" within her earshot.

Lurkedforever1 · 17/02/2016 23:00

Just how is it the dps fault or his dds? The bottom line is op was to blame in the first place. And even if her mum is entirely to blame, it's an excellent time for her to learn both about hurtful comments and how it's not up to her to police other kids.

Not taking anything away from ops stupid explanation and fault, but I don't buy an 8yr old hasn't picked up on the fact making personal comments on appearance isn't rude.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 17/02/2016 23:13

I do not think telling children the whole naked truth all the time is good. They really do not have either the filter, the tact, or the sensibility to process it as much as adults or teens.
If you divorced because of unfaithfulness (yours or your partner's), would you tell your little kids that their parents are getting separated because mommy/daddy preferred chasing tails rather than stay in the family? Or if a family member was an alcoholic, would you explain to them that you are worried they are going to die drowned in their own vomit or driving while pissing drunk? Nope, you sugar-coat, because they are children are not really able (or should not have to) to process this kind of reality.

Lovelydiscusfish · 17/02/2016 23:41

I don't think OP did anything wrong in explaining to her dd about dp's dd not having as many treats because she needs to get to a healthier weight.
God knows, I've needed to tell my own dd (who is much younger than eight) all kinds of potentially sensitive stuff, much more so than this. Children ask about situations, and why some people are treated, or behave differently, and then what can we tell them, except the truth? If we don't tell them the truth, how can we expect them to learn to understand, and live in, the world?
I also think that 8 is more than old enough to know that what she said was hurtful. I'm sure OP trusted her daughter not to pass comments like this. But everyone makes mistakes.
As for further "punishment", what is your DP hoping for? That she be shot at dawn? The key thing here is that she understands how hurtful her actions were, and that the motivation behind them is explored. Not so much that justice is done, and seen to be done. These are children, and the relationship between them going on into the future, would be my main concern.

bakeoffcake · 18/02/2016 00:02

lovely the op didn't use the term 'healthier weight' though.
Things may have been OK if she did.

Monty27 · 18/02/2016 00:14

Your dd got it from you and has offended your dp's dd.

Yabu OP. You never ever ever comment on a child's weight. To anybody.

Inflicting self consciousness much? You deserve what you're getting from you possibly ex dp.

Hygge · 18/02/2016 00:18

It sounds like your DD was being a bit of a busy-body, but it was dealt with at the time by the adult in charge.

She shouldn't have gone over to interfere in what your DP's DD was doing, it wasn't her place or her business. She had no idea if his DD was allowed to make an exception in her diet for the camp or not, but it's up to the adult in charge to monitor what the children eat if there is a need to do so.

Hopefully she understands that now, and that's all I would be discussing with her. Not to interfere when it's not her place to do so.

She was spoken to at the time, she understood she had been hurtful even if she didn't mean to be, hopefully she understands why she should keep her opinion to herself in future.

I don't see what else could or should be done that won't lead to further bad feeling between the girls. Certainly not a punishment, she's been spoken to and apologised, hopefully sincerely, so what good would a punishment do now?

kawliga · 18/02/2016 00:27

I'm sure OP trusted her daughter not to pass comments like this.

Ha, you must be kidding. If you believe in telling your dc 'the truth' about other people, warts and all, and then trusting the dc not to repeat at school the priceless gems you just revealed about other people (because you believe in honesty and full disclosure) all I can say is good luck with that.

Telling the whole truth to dc is a great principle, as long as it is not 'truth' about other people!! Truth about other people is just gossip.

Terribleknitter · 18/02/2016 00:37

No you shouldn't punish your DD but you should give your own head a good wobble! Who says something like that to an 8 year old and not expect them to repeat it to all and sundry the first time the subject appears? This young girl has been embarrassed in front of her peers and needs support not a grown woman gossiping to her own young child about her weight.
You handled this badly and need to find a way to rescue the situation. I've read posts on here over the years where a poster remembers comments made about their weight as a child and it still hurts them as an adult. Support this girl and your partner and learn to keep schtum when needed.

SolidGoldBrass · 18/02/2016 00:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Monty27 · 18/02/2016 01:00

SGB, I think OP is most to blame here.

FFS they are eight, your dd might put on a bit of weight too, whilst dp's dd might lose it.

Just let them be happy they are children fgs!

Sorry my svelte 22 yo was a lovely 8 yo with plenty of weight about her. I never said one word about it. Grrrrr at children's weight stuff. They morph into what they are with a reasonable diet and confidence.

I am an identical twin. I was the 'fat twin' according to my df. Neither of us were fat it didn't damage me much

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