To not punish DD

[Milly783]

I've been in a relationship for two years now, we both have DD's the same age (8) and have only recently introduced them to each other, although we live really close to each other, DD's have never interacted, they go to different schools etc , they attend the same Scouting Pack but whilst my DD is a Cub, DP's DD is a brownie, so again they've never interacted. A Group camp set for last weekend, pushed us into introducing them in January, as they've both met us individually already. So far we've only all met up three times together for days out, DP's DD is currently on a diet as she's overweight, so on the days out I made sure DD ate healthy as well, as I know how unfair it would be to give one child treats and not the other.

Back home just DD and I, she asked why she was allowed hot chocolate at home but not when we were out that afternoon and I explained that DP's DD wasn't allowed treats so it was the right thing to do not giving DD any as well, she asked why and I said that it was because she was slightly bigger then she ought to be.

During Camp, the children were making s'mores and DD saw DP's DD eating one and went up to her and said 'you aren't allowed that because you're too big already' DP's DD got really upset and DD was made to apologise.

Their were no more incidents and no Leader told me about it, the first time I heard about it was from a phone call from DP to 'inform me' that DD had called his DD fat and wanting to know what I had done about it.

I replied nothing, as this was the first I was hearing about it. So I asked DD and she said she didn't use the word fat and had already been made to apologise, I texted her Cub Leader and the poor man, who was getting a well deserved rest, backed up her story. I called DP to say that the matter had been sorted out and that their was nothing more to do, he got really sarcastic and then just hung up.

I've spent the past two days very irritated, I think I'm in the right but if I'm not feel free to tell me.

@PurpleDaises DP said it happened during the bonfire, when his DD was just sitting there, my DD just felt the need to insult her and then kept bringing it up at every opportunity. Which I know for a fact wasn't true, Cubs Leader has said that it happened during s'mores, it was only the one comment and DD felt really bad for upsetting her, the two didn't go near each other after that. So I do think someone's exaggerating.

Your dd was very insensitive but then so were you and presumably you are old enough to know better.

I think when you called back your dp you should have been much more apologetic rather than saying what you did. You sound very dismissive of the whole thing I don't blame him for being pissed off

The leader handled it, you've spoken to her about it. Nothing more needs to be done.

I wouldn't punish dd now. But I sure as hell wouldn't speak to her like that again. I would apologize to dp and tell him that it was you, so he won't hate your dd.

You told your dp the matter had been sorted out and there was nothing more to do...
I'm not surprised he hung up on you .

You started this whole thing by not letting your dd eat things she is usually allowed to eat, just because another child is not eating them. Children understand that different parents/families have different rules, so your dd may be permitted things other dc are prohibited or the other way round.If my dd wants to do/not do something that other children are allowed to not do/do I just tell her we have different rules or traditions in our family. I don't try to imply that the other family has some kind of problem.

Even if your dd was curious why another child was not eating something, telling her that child is too big is unkind and unfair. So you added to your first error by telling your dd that the other girl is too big. Saying 'slightly bigger than she ought to be' is the same as 'too big', and no wonder your dd said 'too big'. So that was your fault too.

After those two errors, this was never going to end well. I don't think your dd did anything wrong, or rather she did but she was only repeating what you yourself told her. I don't agree with pp saying your dd knew it was wrong - her own mother told her that, and I think an 8 year old would assume that it's an ok thing to say since her own mother said it.

Sometimes I say rude/naughty things about other people to my 8 year old but I always warn her it's a bit rude/gossipy/unkind and not to repeat it! If she did repeat it I would be mortified but it would by my own stupid fault, I would not blame my child for repeating something rude I shared with her. Epic parenting fail.

If you don't trust her not to repeat your unkind comments, don't make unkind comments to her!!

So she's had a bollocking and it's been explained why it was unkind?
If you feel your daughter understands that what she said was hurtful and is remorseful about it, I think that's enough.

It would be nice if your dd could do something kind for the other girl, to 'make it up to her', so to speak.

Fwiw I do think at eight, kids have a very black and white view of the world.

I only banned the treats temporarily to be fair, DD can go a day without treats and DP really appreciated it, if it was for much longer then a few hours, then I wouldn't have banned DD from having any.

@fastdaytears She made a child cry, that certainly deserves a telling off, which I made clear to DP, if not in my original post. I'm talking about taking it further, not just talking to her, e.g banning her from an activity or restricting access to a gadget she likes.

I agree that you started this whole situation by stopping your dd from having treats. What happens when she is around more often, does your dd have to follow her schedule? That's for your dp to work out with his dd. You made it 'serious' in her mind so it seems like when she saw her having the smores she probably thought 'oh no' and went to warn her.

You seem pretty determined that your daughter wasn't nasty. The fact of the matter she was. Even if the other girl exaggerated (which I doubt), your daughter still made a nasty comment, which you are now trying to minimise. Yabu.

As long as you've told her off i think that is fine, but it was a nasty thing for her to say, and you are almost starting a precedent. From now on all punishments/fall out will be measured against this one.

With the best will in the world leaders can't be around all the time so it is impossible to know exactly who said what and how many times. What's clear is your partner's dd was really hurt. I hope your dd really got that it isn't acceptable to treat people like that.

my take on this would be quite different but then my DD is under a paediatrician for ADHD and possible ASD so my experience may be slightly different. However if this were my DD doing the 'insulting' she would have no clue that what she was saying was hurtful or inappropriate - she would merely think she was helping by telling the other girl she wasn't allowed that food - because she had already heard from her own mother that unhealthy food or whatever was not permitted. I definitely agree though that you should have worded it very differently when explaining in the first place - or not explained at all.

I agree with you that your dd shouldn't be punished. She has apologised, and as long as she has been spoken to about how her words could be hurtful and she shouldn't do it again, then that's enough.

Children of that age are always pointing out when one of their peers does something they aren't allowed to do, whether it be something little like writing in the margin in their school English book or something that has the potential to be hurtful like eating something they shouldn't. If food and weight isn't an issue in your dds life experiences so far, then it's perfectly possible that she didn't realise just how hurtful it could be.

I also don't think it's wrong to tell a child that people who are overweight sometimes have to restrict themselves from eating sugary or fatty foods. It's just the truth, and personally I'm not a believer in hiding the truth from children. What's needed is a lesson in sensitivity, not denial of the fact that some foods are unhealthy.

By the way, what's a s'more?

I think YABU. In a way your DD used privileged information to embarrass your DP's DD. If it wasn't for your relationship with your DP then your DD wouldn't have known what the other girl was or wasn't allowed to eat.

Your DD was very unkind. I don't think it's very relevant whether the camp leader thought it was a big incident or not. They didn't know the background behind it ie your relationship and that DD was using information you had given her in confidence.

Imagine you had twins and one of them publicly embarrassed the other at an event with their friends. I don't think your attitude would be 'oh, it's fine, the camp leader dealt with it' because the camp leader only dealt with that one incident not with the underlying issue and not with how you mend the relationship going forward.

I think both your DD and yourself have been very insensitive to the feelings of a young girl. Can you imagine how she must of felt, away from home, being told she was too big??? Whilst no punishment is necessary, I agree with clashcityrocker that an act of kindness on your DD's part, may well go a long way to helping smooth this over.

what is everyone expecting a whipping stool? it was dealt with at the time reinforced at home is sackcloth and ashes appropriate where do you draw the line? if she was a stranger's child would you expect more punishment? or is it because its a spouse that its different?

i dont think to op started this by not allowing her treats if she had allowed the chocolate everyone would be saying how "unfair" she was

op back away from this you will never win

I think what you did wasvtell your DD the truth

Your DD then told his DD the truth - is it unkind to tell somebody the truth?

His DD was eating food she shouldn't have been eating

Your DD is prevented from eating this food due to his DD and then finds out his DD eats this food anyway behind her parents back.

I would be annoyed at missing out due to this girl being bigger than she should and would then tackle her about it as an injustice.

What is the boyfriends punishment for his DD for eating g food she shouldn't be eating behind everyone's back?

fwiw my dd is overweight her brother is always telling her she is too big and needs to stop eating its water off a ducks back she knows she is too big and needs to quit it

I can't get over a camping event being organized for early February

OP, I wouldn't punish your DD but I would talk to her. It was very unkind of her to speak to the other girl like that.

You should feel irritated with yourself, as you are the one who caused the situation.

You could have easily said :" no hot choc today, as I think we coukd all cut back on sugar a bit" or something similar

You handled it clumsily, so now ypu have to try and fix it.

^ yes the op was just being honest. Given it was a decision that directly affected her own dd she was right to be honest.

The difference is that in this case abbs the child was upset at being called big. It isn't a nice thing to do in front of a load of other people.

It probably would have been best not to mention why your dp's dd wasn't having treats. It should have just been enough to say you weren't having them that day but agree it would have been poor form to allow one child treats and another not, whatever the reason.

As to what your dd said at camp, it would depend very much on tone and intent. If she sneered 'you're to big already....' then yes that's mean. I'd want to know why she'd said it and a follow up punishment may have been in the offing.

However, being 8, in your dd's mind she may have seen it as not following the rules or being naughty because dp's dd wasn't supposed to being doing that. So she confronted her on it using the knowledge and language she was given about the situation. In which case the apology from your dd was enough but you should probably apologise to the girl as well imo.