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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not punish DD

159 replies

Milly783 · 17/02/2016 19:57

I've been in a relationship for two years now, we both have DD's the same age (8) and have only recently introduced them to each other, although we live really close to each other, DD's have never interacted, they go to different schools etc , they attend the same Scouting Pack but whilst my DD is a Cub, DP's DD is a brownie, so again they've never interacted. A Group camp set for last weekend, pushed us into introducing them in January, as they've both met us individually already. So far we've only all met up three times together for days out, DP's DD is currently on a diet as she's overweight, so on the days out I made sure DD ate healthy as well, as I know how unfair it would be to give one child treats and not the other.

Back home just DD and I, she asked why she was allowed hot chocolate at home but not when we were out that afternoon and I explained that DP's DD wasn't allowed treats so it was the right thing to do not giving DD any as well, she asked why and I said that it was because she was slightly bigger then she ought to be.

During Camp, the children were making s'mores and DD saw DP's DD eating one and went up to her and said 'you aren't allowed that because you're too big already' DP's DD got really upset and DD was made to apologise.

Their were no more incidents and no Leader told me about it, the first time I heard about it was from a phone call from DP to 'inform me' that DD had called his DD fat and wanting to know what I had done about it.

I replied nothing, as this was the first I was hearing about it. So I asked DD and she said she didn't use the word fat and had already been made to apologise, I texted her Cub Leader and the poor man, who was getting a well deserved rest, backed up her story. I called DP to say that the matter had been sorted out and that their was nothing more to do, he got really sarcastic and then just hung up.

I've spent the past two days very irritated, I think I'm in the right but if I'm not feel free to tell me.

OP posts:
vintagefiend · 17/02/2016 21:16

I think that was really considerate of you to ensure that your daughter didn't have a hot chocolate in front of your partner's dd- I'd definitely do the same.
And I'm sure you were just taking the honesty best policy route when explaining why she couldn't have treats. Easy to be wise after the event, people.
i guess weight is a very sensitive subject, hence your partner's (over?) reaction.
could you swallow your pride and apologise just to smooth things over.
someone said earlier that kids can be very literal about rules and that may well be the case with your daughter in this instance

NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/02/2016 21:26

Christ alive.

This is an 8yo who just repeated something her mother said to her.

It was dealt with at the time by the adult in charge who witnessed the event.

She didn't deal crack or anything.

If I rang someone to complain about something like this after the event and after it had been dealt with demanding to know what they were going to do about it, I would expect them to tell me to give my head a wobble and stop acting like one of 'those' parents.

vintagefiend · 17/02/2016 21:33

Well said, needsasock!
That's along the lines of what i meant to say but wimped out x

kawliga · 17/02/2016 21:34

Going forward, if you two are going to merge your families or spend a lot of time together with the two girls, you need to think through the food issue a bit more.

liz70 · 17/02/2016 21:34

This. ^ Needs has put it more succinctly than I could.

abbsismyhero · 17/02/2016 21:37

sorry yes just to clarify i do tell him to pack it in i don't just let him bully his big sister Blush my point is he is seven and a bit of an insensitive boy at times his idea is he is telling her something she needs to know ie you don't need to eat that 2nd/3rd packet of crisps mom says you're not supposed to etc etc and i end up stepping in with im the mom not you i tell her not you and DD stop eating my cupboards! if you can't control yourself i won't buy any more! quite frankly she is 15 and nice nice doesn't work with her blunt does ive got to the point where ive stopped buying treats for the house told her she can have this much and no more she is still getting treats but not as many as she wants and ive increased her exercise (as its inactivity is a big issue) point is its dealt with once and not obsessed over if i made a huge issue out of it he would repeat the behaviour more and resent his sister when he got told off

maydancer · 17/02/2016 21:39

Scouting and guiding are 2 completely separate organisations ( misses point) how can your DDS brownies be part of a scouting group

cuntycowfacemonkey · 17/02/2016 21:46

They are separate organisations but not unheard of to to joint events. I know when mine were in cubs they did camps with local brownie groups too

TwistedReach · 17/02/2016 21:49

I would wonder about how she feels about you having a new partner. And a new partner with a daughter her age. Not that you shouldn't, of course, but it may be she has some difficult feelings which show in her saying unkind things. Both girls are likely to need sensitivity around this.

MistressMerryWeather · 17/02/2016 21:50

Being upset for his humiliated child does not make him one of 'those parents'.

OP isn't just someone, he's her DP and these girls will be spending a lot of time together in the future. I would want to know that something was being done so this doesn't happen again.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 17/02/2016 21:51

abbsismyhero Your daughter may need self-discipline, but at 15, having a snotty 7 yo making remarks and trying to give her orders is for sure going to make her more rebellious, i.e eat more to spite both of you. Embarrassment in teens make them take bad decisions.

If you are going to mention your daughter's weight, and try to make her change (as you should), never do it in front of her brother, or where he can hear it. It is humiliating for her, and gives him fuel for his bad attitude toward her.

WonderingAspie · 17/02/2016 21:53

YANBU. ultimately, your DD just repeated what you said. Most children do this. I remember when my dad was with his ex and we were visiting relatives, his GF phoned asking when he was coming home (I answered the phone) and his response was "tell her not to be so frigging nosy ha ha" so I went back on the phone and said "dad says don't be so frigging nosy". Dad was mortified, he hadn't expected me to repeat what he said but children do and your DD should be told it is unkind to talk to people about their weight and in hindsight you shouldn't have mentioned it to her. I can't see how it was your DDs fault at all tbh.

Primaryteach87 · 17/02/2016 21:54

I think if she's at Cubs, she's old enough to know that would be very hurtful and did it anyway or for that reason. I'd be very very cross indeed if my dd did that.

ClarenceTheLion · 17/02/2016 21:54

I agree about the food issue. Your dd shouldn't have to do without treats every time you see your dp's dd. She isn't on a diet. It's up to your dp to take care of his dd's eating habits.

Waltermittythesequel · 17/02/2016 21:55

I find it very hard to believe that your dd, at 8, didn't know she was being insensitive and cruel.

But then, based on your comments to her it's fairly obvious she didn't lick it off the ground.

abbsismyhero · 17/02/2016 21:58

i know but he is sneaky and when i tried to talk to her he snuck up and eavesdropped since then we have had the problem (he was supposed to be in bed) he is getting better so is she but for awhile it was a big problem they love the bones of each other but are very competitive over mommys attention we will work it out we always do in the meantime i need to eat more healthy myself so its not hurting me to set a better example either

NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/02/2016 22:01

Being upset for his humiliated child does not make him one of 'those parents'

No but ringing asking what the parent is going to do about it after it has already been dealt with by the adult who witnessed it, then hanging up when she said nothing more than has already been done. Does.

By all means be upset at the mother for the thoughtless comment about his child but to expect her to take out her own stupidity on the child is utterly ridiculous

Ceic · 17/02/2016 22:04

What NeedASock said.

Your DD's behaviour has been dealt with by the cub leader - this should be enough.

And also what kawliga said about merging your two families. Yes, the food issue needs to be thought through a bit more. As does how you work together to be co-parents/step-parents to these two girls

I think your DP is gettng off lightly here while pp concentrate on your DD's behaviour.

Ceic · 17/02/2016 22:06

x-posted with NeedAsock - still agree with her

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 17/02/2016 22:06

You and your DD both sound rather unkind tbh

You didn't need to tell her your partners DD is dieting and at 8 she should know that what she said was hurtful and mean

As a Brownie leader myself, I never hear every comment the girls make to each other. If there's an issue I can only resolve it based on what I see and hear and generally go with the "we're all friends at Brownies" line and unless I heard the comment myself I wouldn't feel justified in properly telling your DD off.

That's your job

DiscoGlitter · 17/02/2016 22:08

You were bloody stupid for going into so much detail to your 8 year old daughter as to why dp's daughter wasn't allowed hot chocolate.
As soon as you said that you'd said that, I could completely tell where the rest of the story was going to end up!
She's 8, and unthinking at best, unkind at worst. Definitely needs telling that that wasn't a nice thing to say and how would she feel if someone had said that to her in front of all the others?

Floggingmolly · 17/02/2016 22:09

to expect her to take out her own stupidity on the child...
Op doesn't actually say whether she admitted to being the one to supply her dd with the bullets to fire. He's probably completely unaware.

DiscoGlitter · 17/02/2016 22:11

What needsasock said as well. Smile Eight year olds are basically parrots! I have one myself. (An 8 year old, that is, not a parrot Grin )

SueLawleyandNicholasWitchell · 17/02/2016 22:17

As soon as you made that comment to your daughter, she had the exact ammunition she needed to make a hurtful comment and to disguise it as if because it had come from her mother, it was ok to say it.

She was hurtful and tactless, but you were naive thinking you can make comments like that and it won't be repeated. His dd is obviously very upset and hurt by having her personal issue aired for all to hear. Just because the cub leader only heard one comment does not mean that that was all that happened. I think you and her dad need to get both girls together and make your apologies in person.

And from now on, think twice about comments you make to your daughter, and ensure she knows that making personal comments are not ok.

CalleighDoodle · 17/02/2016 22:18

I also totally Agree with needsasickamnesty.

The child stated a fact as she knew it. Tone makes the difference here but we cant possibly know what that was. She was spoken to at camp and has had the aituation explained at home. She is also upset about upsetting the other child, whoch suggests the tone was more this is the fact rather than to be mean.

The real issues are the eating habits of the other girl and the communication habits of her father.