To be really furious with my mum over what she said to my DD

[TealLove]

A relative by marriage has very very sadly died recently. He was only 9 my DDs age. She knew he was v poorly. We didn't break it to her for v specific reasons - she is v emotional at the moment and I have come out of a dreadful period of depression which has impacted her. We are trying to keep things mindful and positive in the family. Also, I think a child of her own age dying is relevant , I was going to sit her down and be really careful in how I talked to her about it with no religious overtones.
My bloody mother had DD and has told her! She said he had gone with " the Angels" to be with his mummy ( who sadly died years earlier)
I am absolutely furious with her. Apparently they were talking about the funeral and DD asked who has died so she must have known we hadn't said!!
There was absolutely no need and when I told her I couldn't believe she did it she just stormed out of the house after dropping DD.
How do I manage this? She has completely taken away something I wanted to control - the issue of death, a child's death and explaining it to my daughter of the same she in a mindful way!

Good on OP to accept you were unreasonable. And DD will surely realise that different people believe different things so you can tell her your version. However I don't think there is any harm in the angels / heaven version especially if it brings comfort to a child.

I will call her tomorrow. I think she's upset she usually calls me everyday.
She has DD a lot.

I hope the call with your Mum goes well, IrishDad is right, you need to genuinely generous to your Mum.

I agree with everyone else. I do think you need to give your mum an actual apology rather than just hint that you're ok that she made a mistake (you said earlier that you were going to tell her"what's done is done, I should have warned you."). You do need to apologise for reproaching her. I would be really upset if I were her.

One thing though, if you speak to your mum every day, you must be quite close so I don't understand how all this hasn't come up before? Ie hasn't your mum asked before now how your DD has taken the news so that you had the opportunity to say to her that you were waiting for the right moment and would like to tell her yourself? Or do you tend to stick to light chit chat on the phone? I just find it unusual that this hasn't already come up.

My DD will turn 9 in the spring, and I also have different religious beliefs to my Mum - she's a christian, I'm an agnostic. DH was Orthodox, and is now rampantly atheist! Because she gets different messages from different people, I have made a point of chatting to her about different religions, and how different people believe different things, particularly about what happens when we die. Perhaps this would be an opportunity to do something similar? It has helped my dd put things in context when either of her grandmothers tell her wacky (bloody ridiculous) things about morality, and it's made her much more likely to come to me, knowing that she can ask and that I won't say 'this is right, that's wrong'. I'm really sorry for your loss: I hope that this all gets sorted out gently and kindly for all of you. Take care.

I think you are being unreasonable and perhaps your frustration and grief is being aimed at your mother.

If it was that important then you should have explained it to her beforehand.

It's done now, and I personally don't feel she's said anything 'wrong' to your DD.

You seem especially upset that you didn't get to explain the situation to your daughter in words that you had thought about very carefully, and that has fuelled your anger towards your Mum and the angels. But you know, you can still talk to your daughter, and tell her what you think and feel about death, and explain to her that some people talk of angels but that's not how you see it. Death is a very difficult thing to comprehend, and I think it is good that the child gets to discuss it with different adults, and explore the different ideas and feelings she may have herself. There is no right or wrong explanation really. When my Mum died my DD was only 3 and I had no idea what to say, or time to plan. I just came straight out and told her that death is the end, the person is gone and their body buried. I often wish I had come up with something a bit more nuanced, perhaps a bit of angel lore! Just keep talking to your daughter, and don't fall out with your Mum about it.

Thanks everyone. I apologised to my mum and we had a chat. She said sometimes it's better to do things naturally as they come up rather than sit children down and explain. She's raised 3 children so maybe she knows better that me.
DD is fine about it all I haven't Persued the conversation any further. It's all v painful and sad really.

You really wanted to tell her yourself... So what stopped you?

Aww glad it's worked out I agree with your mum although I didn't handle DDgrandma's death well I tried to protect DD hindsight is a bugger sometimes

The loss in your family is very sad

Op you do sound a bit over anxious.

Don't put yourself down about your DM having more childrearing experience.
Are you sure you are 100% over the pnd?

I certainly wouldn't want my kids being told any nonsense about angels and life after death but it sounds like your mum was put on the spot and did the best she could. I'm glad to hear you've sorted things out.

For what it's worth, my Grandma's mother died when she was 8 and nobody could bear to tell her so they didn't, they just kept saying she'd be back soon. Cue 90 years of mental health problems. However awful the truth is, it's still usually the least damaging option.