To be really furious with my mum over what she said to my DD

[TealLove]

A relative by marriage has very very sadly died recently. He was only 9 my DDs age. She knew he was v poorly. We didn't break it to her for v specific reasons - she is v emotional at the moment and I have come out of a dreadful period of depression which has impacted her. We are trying to keep things mindful and positive in the family. Also, I think a child of her own age dying is relevant , I was going to sit her down and be really careful in how I talked to her about it with no religious overtones.
My bloody mother had DD and has told her! She said he had gone with " the Angels" to be with his mummy ( who sadly died years earlier)
I am absolutely furious with her. Apparently they were talking about the funeral and DD asked who has died so she must have known we hadn't said!!
There was absolutely no need and when I told her I couldn't believe she did it she just stormed out of the house after dropping DD.
How do I manage this? She has completely taken away something I wanted to control - the issue of death, a child's death and explaining it to my daughter of the same she in a mindful way!

[Pseudo341]

I certainly wouldn't want my kids being told any nonsense about angels and life after death but it sounds like your mum was put on the spot and did the best she could. I'm glad to hear you've sorted things out.

For what it's worth, my Grandma's mother died when she was 8 and nobody could bear to tell her so they didn't, they just kept saying she'd be back soon. Cue 90 years of mental health problems. However awful the truth is, it's still usually the least damaging option.

[Lightbulbon]

Op you do sound a bit over anxious.

Don't put yourself down about your DM having more childrearing experience.
Are you sure you are 100% over the pnd?

[Mammabrown]

The loss in your family is very sad

[Mammabrown]

Aww glad it's worked out I agree with your mum although I didn't handle DDgrandma's death well I tried to protect DD hindsight is a bugger sometimes

[Floggingmolly]

You really wanted to tell her yourself... So what stopped you?

[TealLove]

Thanks everyone. I apologised to my mum and we had a chat. She said sometimes it's better to do things naturally as they come up rather than sit children down and explain. She's raised 3 children so maybe she knows better that me.
DD is fine about it all I haven't Persued the conversation any further. It's all v painful and sad really.

[Sara107]

You seem especially upset that you didn't get to explain the situation to your daughter in words that you had thought about very carefully, and that has fuelled your anger towards your Mum and the angels. But you know, you can still talk to your daughter, and tell her what you think and feel about death, and explain to her that some people talk of angels but that's not how you see it. Death is a very difficult thing to comprehend, and I think it is good that the child gets to discuss it with different adults, and explore the different ideas and feelings she may have herself. There is no right or wrong explanation really. When my Mum died my DD was only 3 and I had no idea what to say, or time to plan. I just came straight out and told her that death is the end, the person is gone and their body buried. I often wish I had come up with something a bit more nuanced, perhaps a bit of angel lore! Just keep talking to your daughter, and don't fall out with your Mum about it.

[CityFox]

I think you are being unreasonable and perhaps your frustration and grief is being aimed at your mother.

If it was that important then you should have explained it to her beforehand.

It's done now, and I personally don't feel she's said anything 'wrong' to your DD.

[Liska]

My DD will turn 9 in the spring, and I also have different religious beliefs to my Mum - she's a christian, I'm an agnostic. DH was Orthodox, and is now rampantly atheist! Because she gets different messages from different people, I have made a point of chatting to her about different religions, and how different people believe different things, particularly about what happens when we die. Perhaps this would be an opportunity to do something similar? It has helped my dd put things in context when either of her grandmothers tell her wacky (bloody ridiculous) things about morality, and it's made her much more likely to come to me, knowing that she can ask and that I won't say 'this is right, that's wrong'. I'm really sorry for your loss: I hope that this all gets sorted out gently and kindly for all of you. Take care.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

I agree with everyone else. I do think you need to give your mum an actual apology rather than just hint that you're ok that she made a mistake (you said earlier that you were going to tell her"what's done is done, I should have warned you."). You do need to apologise for reproaching her. I would be really upset if I were her.

One thing though, if you speak to your mum every day, you must be quite close so I don't understand how all this hasn't come up before? Ie hasn't your mum asked before now how your DD has taken the news so that you had the opportunity to say to her that you were waiting for the right moment and would like to tell her yourself? Or do you tend to stick to light chit chat on the phone? I just find it unusual that this hasn't already come up.

[Blu]

I hope the call with your Mum goes well, IrishDad is right, you need to genuinely generous to your Mum.

[TealLove]

I will call her tomorrow. I think she's upset she usually calls me everyday.
She has DD a lot.

[MajesticWhine]

Good on OP to accept you were unreasonable. And DD will surely realise that different people believe different things so you can tell her your version. However I don't think there is any harm in the angels / heaven version especially if it brings comfort to a child.

[BreatheandFlyAway]

Poor old mum, can't do anything right! Even though she answered a question honestly to the best of her abilities without any pre warning. Also think souls at rest is a different generation's twee. Let's face it, we do not know, do we?

Sorry for the loss in your family, that's so sad.

[IrishDad79]

"Don't worry, it's done now" is not an apology at all, it's still basically telling your mum it was her fault when it was you who fucked up. If it meant so much to you, you could have easily told her "mum, please don't mention xxxx dying to dd, I haven't told her yet and I want to explain it myself."

And even then, that would still be putting your mother in an awkward position in the event of your dd bringing up the subject. My reaction would be "Christ, you haven't even told her yet?!"

You really hung your mother out to dry on this one.

[Blu]

People have different ways of describing 'rest and peace', and angels is one of them. Personally I think souls at rest and peace IS 'religious' , in that it is 'spiritual' . As opposed to just not being alive , like before we were born .

It must have been incredibly difficult , watching parents lose a 9 year old , knowing that a child your own child's age, could die.

Your sensitivities are not your dd's. She will Find her own way, just as you yourself , as your mother's dd found your own way.

Sorry for the loss in your family .

[Mammabrown]

Have you spoken to your mum Teal ?

[TealLove]

Ok I accept that iabu

[Quoteunquote]

OP you are angry at the wrong person, you let your daughter down and you are lashing out, apology to all and in future be upfront with your daughter about life and death issues.

[sadwidow28]

I looked after my DN most weekends and holidays after my DB died. DN was nearly 7 yrs old and I was told by SIL not to speak about his dad's death as he had a professional child counsellor. I also have a faith whilst SIL is a 'he can choose when he is older' school of thought. I never spoke about his Dad until the day he broke down during bedtime routine and said, "Do you know my Daddy has died?" I then spoke to him about sadness and loss and living in our hearts and minds. I had hurt that lovely little boy by changing the subject every time he wanted to speak. I am still careful to respect his Mum's views on religion but I begin discussions we now have with "You know that I and Gran's family believe....." and then we have one of our Critical Discussions which he loves. We have been doing these discussions since he was 11yrs old.

Children need to speak about abstract concepts with many trusted adults.

Please forgive your Mum. Lying or avoidance will do more damage IMO.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

I'm not surprised she's cross, how on earth was she to know you wanted your dd to only have one very specific idea about death, that she should ignore questions asked - I mean what was she supposed to do, read your mind? Ignore your dd question?

I think it's important that kids know there are different ideas and beliefs about what happens after death and that all those ideas and beliefs should be respected. Just because you 'don't like' the idea of angels doesn't make it an inherently less important or valuable belief. You don't know any better than your mum does.

If you'd asked her to not share those ideas with dd I'm sure she would have complied. I think you have been very unfair to your DM and need to actually apologise, not just say 'oh well it's done now' as though she's fucked up but you'll forgive her. She hasn't.

[Goingtobeawesome]

I think YANBU. I'm forever telling my PIL not to tell the kids stuff, usually surprises and I'd be upset if they did tell so something more serious I can understand you are upset.

I'd ring your mum and say sorry if you upset her, you were just taken aback and had planned what to say to DD.

You can still say what you wanted too but now you can ask your DD what her initial thoughts were and you can learn things from each other.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[NewLife4Me]

YABU, why didn't you make your views known to your dm if they are so strong in your mind.
Also, what was your mum supposed to tell her when she asked and just because you don't want religious connotations attached to death, what makes you so sure your dd doesn't. Let her make her own mind up, it's up to her what she believes.
Finally, do you know how lucky you are to have a mum who has your dd? Some, in fact many people don't have this.
I'm sorry you have been through depression, that is awful, I know.
But fighting the people who have probably helped you a lot isn't good for your recovery because you'll just piss them off.
Your dd knows now and unless there's lots more you aren't posting has dealt with it fine, so no harm done.
In future just make your views clear, people aren't mind readers. for you. Call your mum and apologise ffs, it's really not important after what you have been through.

[shazzarooney99]

Your mother probably thought youd already told your daughter and for what its with you should have probably told your daughter straightaway anyway, no good comes from the fact of delaying or not telling them, i learned this a few weeks back, when i diddnt tell my son my aunty had died as my mum had died 3months before and my son has suspected asd and one day he overheard me on the phone and had a huge huge meltdown, i diddnt want to tell him about my aunt as it sent him into chaos for 3months

[LikeASoulWithoutAMind]

OP I'm really sorry for your family's loss and that your dd has had such a tough time too

I think your mum was in a difficult position and put on the spot. I know it isn't how you wanted your dd to receive the news but I don't think it means everything is ruined. I think actually it presents a good opportunity to talk about how noone truly knows what happens when we die and that different people have different ideas and we should respect those. You can tell her what your personal beliefs are and how those aren't same as Granny's but that's OK and what does she think?

I do understand your instinct to protect your dd but in my experience, children deal with death better than many adults and appreciate honesty from the adults around them. She may come and ask more questions at random times so be ready for that. The Winston's Wish website although primarily there to help children who have lost a parent or sibling, has some excellent advice which is relevant to supporting any grieving child.