To be really furious with my mum over what she said to my DD

[TealLove]

A relative by marriage has very very sadly died recently. He was only 9 my DDs age. She knew he was v poorly. We didn't break it to her for v specific reasons - she is v emotional at the moment and I have come out of a dreadful period of depression which has impacted her. We are trying to keep things mindful and positive in the family. Also, I think a child of her own age dying is relevant , I was going to sit her down and be really careful in how I talked to her about it with no religious overtones.
My bloody mother had DD and has told her! She said he had gone with " the Angels" to be with his mummy ( who sadly died years earlier)
I am absolutely furious with her. Apparently they were talking about the funeral and DD asked who has died so she must have known we hadn't said!!
There was absolutely no need and when I told her I couldn't believe she did it she just stormed out of the house after dropping DD.
How do I manage this? She has completely taken away something I wanted to control - the issue of death, a child's death and explaining it to my daughter of the same she in a mindful way!

[JohnnyDeppsfuturewife]

I'm surprised at some of these reactions. You are definitely not being unreasonable and I can totally empathise with how you feel.

We lost a family friend recently who was 7 and it was very important to me to pick the right moment to tell my children separately in age appropriate ways. I also did not want religion coming into it. We discussed cremations and burials and dd was very confused to then be told by someone else that the little girl was in the clouds with angels. It upsets me that when we go out she looks up at the clouds trying to find her friend.

There is no easy way to explain it but assuming your mum knew about the depression she should have been more sensitive and could've asked your daughter to ask you.

[amazingtracy]

Sorry Op- but you've lost the run of yourself here! You can't protect your child from basic realities-two of which are death and the existence of religion.

Are you really convinced that she has no idea that some people believe that angels/heaven etc exist?

Listen its reality- a horrible reality but here nonetheless. Speaking as a widow with a child who is growing up that daddy went to heaven when he was a baby. (and I truly hate religious shit!)

The reality is that you expected your mum to read your mind AND lie to your child!

This horrific death should focus your mind on what is really important in life and not squabbling over who said what to your child.

[whatevva]

DD can probably handle Grandma believing in angels and DM not She could well be several steps ahead of you. Ask her what she thinks?

[CooPie10]

Johnny why are you surprised at the reactions? The op did not tell her dm in advance so what was she expected to do, mind read?The child asked, the Gm answered in a sensitive way. She has done nothing wrong.

[MumOnTheRunCatchingUp]

I agree with everyone else, yabu

[TealLove]

I don't believe we go to Angels when we die and I wanted to talk to DD about our spirits going to a place of rest and peace. I was really specific about what I wanted to say and it's all ruined. I don't know why she brought up the funeral.
Oh well whats done is done.

[whatevva]

Ask DD what she thinks. It could be interesting. There is no guarantee she would have grown up thinking the way you do anyway. It could be a useful conversation though.

[TealLove]

I will :)

[TendonQueen]

The angels bit aside for a moment, surely the essence of the message is that the child is now with his mother. I can't think of a much more positive way to look at death than it being a reunion with people you love who are already dead. What atheistic explanation is there that's as positive or better? I know you said you would have used 'different words, different concepts' than the angels idea. What were those going to be?

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

If your mother knows you are not religious she was being very disingenuous or thoughtless (or deliberately manipulative - only you know but hopefully not) to bring angels into it.

If you hadn't warned your DM you are being a bit U though - she presumably didn't know your DD didn't know and got into a position, talking about the funeral, where she had to either lie or tell her.

At 9 though you are being U not to have prepared your DD for the bombardment of Christian mythology. She'll be getting it at school too. It's been an ongoing discussion in our house since the kids started Kindergarten at 3 (with each kid in turn) and they have always got their heads around it - Grandma/ your teacher is not lying, she really believes xyz (heaven, genocidal god killing everyone except Noah and his family and all the animals except 2 of each, the murdered Jesus coming alive again, heaven and angels etc. etc) but Mummy and Daddy think those are only stories, like Snow White and Cinderella, and there are other people who believe a whole load of other stories are true, or believe some of the stories and not others... nobody knows for certain whether any of the stories are true, and you can choose for yourself what to believe and change your mind as often as you like.

[hollowlegs]

By trying to shield children from death, you do them more harm than good.
When will people realize that?
It's not healthy.

She's 9 years old.
She's mature enough to know that all living things eventually die. Plants, animals, humans. She will have learnt about the cycle of life at school.
I think your mother handled it tactfully and sensitively and you should give her a break.
Your daughter probably appreciates the fact that her gran was honest with her (even if she did soften the blow a bit with talk about heaven and being with her mother now)

[JohnnyDeppsfuturewife]

coolpie I'm surprised because as a community we have suffered an awful bereavement of a child (sorry community isn't quite right but i don't want to out myself) and so I have the conversation of how to tell children with many of my friends and it just seemed instinctive for parents to tell their children in the way they wanted to.

[TendonQueen]

Cross posted with your latest post. In that case, you should have got it in earlier and not waited. As you said, it's done now.

[whatevva]

Enjoy it - it is one of the delights of having children

[PalcumTowder]

Do you think he's being emotionally abusive to your children or am i interpreting that wrong?

[Fairenuff]

OP tell her the truth. No-one knows what happens after we die.

You can tell her that grandma thinks people become Angels and you think they become spirits.

FWIW most children already know about death by the age of 9. The things they most want to know are actually very practical like how will this affect them, will there be any change in their life, etc.

[SpotOn]

I agree with those who say if it was that important you should have told your mother. If you had told your mother your DD didn't know then YANBU.

I think keeping the death from your DD was a bit misguided. If she was going to be do upset, then surely she would be upset later when she found out you had delayed telling her. I would then not only be sad, but angry and bemused.

[PalcumTowder]

Gosh, sorry, wrong thread

[hollowlegs]

I don't believe we go to Angels when we die

But that's your belief.
Why should she have to share the same beliefs as you?
Your daughter is her own person and after listening to many different peoples' attitutdes towards death, she will eventually form her own beliefs.

[badtime]

Tendon, an atheist attempting an atheistic explanation would think one that didn't depend on some sort of immortal soul would be a 'better' explanation, in the sense of more accurate.

At 9, I would have given this look to someone who told me that dead people were reunited after death, and that angels were somehow involved.

These days, I would respect someone's own views, but still on the inside.

[Katenka]

I don't believe we go to Angels when we die and I wanted to talk to DD about our spirits going to a place of rest and peace

So it's the angles you object to? Because they sound very similar

[WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es]

I'm sorry for your loss, but I agree, you should have asked your DM not to mention it, it has presumably been a major topic of conversation within the family and if it hadn't been her it would have probably been someone else, or overhearing you making plans to go to the funeral. I also think it's harder the longer you leave it as the child will wonder why they weren't told at the same time as everyone else.

[FreshHorizons]

I don't understand what your mother was supposed to do when asked a direct question. It would have been far more damaging to make something up and then DD have found later that she was lying.
If you wanted to do it your way then you needed to get in quickly.
Children don't have a problem with death if answered truthfully. It is adults who find it a taboo subject.

[Birdsgottafly]

Talking about the funeral is a way of accepting that a person has died and except for your memories, they've gone for good. For many people it's a form of closure on the life that was (this never applied to grieving Parents, obviously).

I grew up with a Catholic GM, a Christian Mother and a Presbyterian Father. My wider family included believers in Buddhism, Voodoo etc and Native American Spirit based beliefs. Children can understand different concepts.

I understand why you've embraced Mindfullness, after depression, but it parts of it, isn't always appropriate when working through a death of a child, with another child.

Your DD should have been told, sooner and you should have discussed this, with your Mum, before telling her.

Also, if your Mum is a support for your DD, then cut her some slack.

The more a child knows, the less that they fear and the fears that they do have, can be worked through.

My DH died, when my children were young and they've had friends die/be killed.

[Babyroobs]

I think as others have said, your mum was put in a difficult position and answered in the best way she could at the time. Whilst appreciating that you are not religious, it is perhaps a nicer concept for a 9 year old to think that a child has gone to be with angels, than gone elsewhere or no where at all which is very final. I expect your mum was thinking along these lines in trying to be gentle and make it a little less awful for your child. I would try not to be too angry with your mum.