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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really furious with my mum over what she said to my DD

113 replies

TealLove · 16/02/2016 11:35

A relative by marriage has very very sadly died recently. He was only 9 my DDs age. She knew he was v poorly. We didn't break it to her for v specific reasons - she is v emotional at the moment and I have come out of a dreadful period of depression which has impacted her. We are trying to keep things mindful and positive in the family. Also, I think a child of her own age dying is relevant , I was going to sit her down and be really careful in how I talked to her about it with no religious overtones.
My bloody mother had DD and has told her! She said he had gone with " the Angels" to be with his mummy ( who sadly died years earlier)
I am absolutely furious with her. Apparently they were talking about the funeral and DD asked who has died so she must have known we hadn't said!!
There was absolutely no need and when I told her I couldn't believe she did it she just stormed out of the house after dropping DD.
How do I manage this? She has completely taken away something I wanted to control - the issue of death, a child's death and explaining it to my daughter of the same she in a mindful way!

OP posts:
leopardgecko · 16/02/2016 11:59

YABVVVVU. As others have said how was your mother supposed to know your wishes unless you told her. And when your DD asked a direct question, did you want your mother to lie or invent a random friend or relative who has died instead? Your mother told her the truth. Sorry, but you are in the wrong here, definately not your mother, and it was unfair and unreasonable of you to be "furious" with her. I think you owe your mother a huge apology. But I do hope your DD is okay.

Cheby · 16/02/2016 12:00

I'd be livid too OP. I think it's a stupid and unhelpful explanation to give (the angels bit) and I can clearly see why you wanted to henadle this carefully.

Did your DM know the situation? That's really relevant.

Mammabrown · 16/02/2016 12:00

I don't agree with keeping death from children either its easier to just tell them than put it off which the op was doing to protect her DD from being sad

APlaceOnTheCouch · 16/02/2016 12:00

Sorry for your loss and that you feel this has spiraled out of your control Flowers

But YABU to be furious at your mum. It doesn't sound as though you told her not to tell your DD, and it also doesn't sound as though your mum deliberately told your DD - she just responded to your DD's question. Plus your DD already knew the other child was very ill so I think it would have been difficult for your DM to anticipate that you hadn't told your DD that they had died iyswim

You can't keep everything positive. Life isn't like that and actually one of the best gifts you can give your DD is how to manage her emotions and how to appreciate that it's ok to feel sad, angry, etc. You can still talk to her about death in the way you planned. You don't need to reinforce the 'angels' story if you disagree with it but you can take your lead from your DD who might have found that comforting.

Don't be too harsh on your DM.

Cheby · 16/02/2016 12:01

*handle

gamerchick · 16/02/2016 12:01

I understand you may have a twinge of guilt of how your depression has affected your daughter and wanted to protect her from this but you really should have told her earlier or given your mother a heads up. Your fury is misguided.

Concentrate on your daughter and don't delay any longer with the talk you wanted to have. 9 yr olds aren't daft she would have known something was up.

SirNiallDementia · 16/02/2016 12:02

I think you are being really unreasonable here.

It is usual NOT to hide death from children at that age so you can't blame your Mum for mentioning it. I have noticed that some older folk to tend to talk about angels and heaven even if they are not religious, I imagine to make death more "paletable" and less scary for children. My ILs are certainly like this.

If you didn't want your DD to know, you should have asked your Mum not to mention it and told her what you would have liked her to say if your DD asked any questions.

gamerchick · 16/02/2016 12:03

I'm a bit puzzled to what words you would have used though. Gone to be with the angels and mummy is age appropriate I would have thought.

Katenka · 16/02/2016 12:03

Unless you clearly told your mum not to tell her Yabu.

I would think you would have put that in your OP

Tbh, I am not sure how you expected her to know or what to say.

Really you shouldn't have been discussing the funeral at all with her there if you didn't want her to know.

I can sympathise. Dds friend passed away when she was in year 4. It was devastating. And I found explaining it very difficult. It did upset her for a long time. Nightmares etc.

But I think you need to give your mum a break

ConesOfDunshire · 16/02/2016 12:10

I'm sorry for your family's loss, and for your recent depression.

Don't be angry with your mum. You put her in an impossible situation by not telling her about your wishes. She made references to angels because she was trying to be kind and give the news gently.

You now need to sit down with your daughter and begin a conversation. 'DD, Grandma mentioned to me that you talked about X dying. It's very sad, and it's important that we talk about how it makes us feel. Are there any questions that you want to ask me?'

Your DD is 9. There will be many more issues that you will want to control but might be unable to. However, with something as sensitive as this it's absolutely crucial that you communicate with your family, especially if they care for your DD, and make your wishes clear.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 16/02/2016 12:11

she had a choice "no one you know" and change the subject tell you later and apologise for talking about it in front of her honestly could the conversation about the funeral not have waited?

Not everyone can lie that quickly, you think i am being silly but i am not, if i need to lie i require 1 days notice to think up a good lie, practice it to myself so it feels right.

GloGirl · 16/02/2016 12:11

You really should have told your aught er before your Mum had her
And if you didn't you really should have told your Mum so she had forewarning your daughter didn't know.

It was totally unfair to spring it on her like that, I think she answered as best she could at short notice.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 16/02/2016 12:25

Unless you have explicitly requested that she not mention it, then YABU. It doesn't sound like she has upset your daughter either? Though perhaps you are going to get awkward questions about angels? Is that's what is bothering you too?

I am a dyed in the wool atheist and if someone started the whole angels in heaven thing I'd be fairly irritated. But in reality when your small child asks you what happens to people when they die you rapidly start to gloss over your own beliefs if they happen to be "thats it".

I'm sorry for your family's loss by the way.

shinynewusername · 16/02/2016 12:28

Totally bemused by this. Just because your DD asked "Who died?" when hearing a particular funeral discussed, your DM was supposed to know that you hadn't told her about the relative's death? That is plain daft. Your DM probably assumed that your DD knew that your relative had died, but didn't know that it was that relative's funeral which was being discussed.

YAalsoBU in not having told your DD straightaway, if you wanted to do it yourself. It was almost inevitable that she would overhear something - the average 9 year old has the detection skills of GCHQ!

Sorry that you are upset but I agree with PPs that you owe your DM an apology.

LagunaBubbles · 16/02/2016 12:35

Did you tell your Mum you didnt want your DD to know this relative had died or not?

CooPie10 · 16/02/2016 12:42

Yabu what did you expect her to say. I think your dm explained it quite well. You being 'furious' is really ott.

firesidechat · 16/02/2016 12:48

So what is the mindful way of dealing with death then?

Shutthatdoor · 16/02/2016 12:48

If it was that important then you should have pre-warned your DM. She's not a mind reader

^ this

Sorry OP but YABU

CommanderShepherd · 16/02/2016 12:49

I agree with you OP. She totally overstepped the mark. And the "angels" things would've ticked me off to. Flowers very sorry for your loss.

Barmaid101 · 16/02/2016 12:51

Yabu to not have told your dd, she will prob feel worse finding out she was the last to know and now will feel upset you didn't tell her. It's surprising what children can cope with. Your mil did the best when she was put on the spot.

whatevva · 16/02/2016 12:57

Yabu to not have told your dd, she will prob feel worse finding out she was the last to know and now will feel upset you didn't tell her. It's surprising what children can cope with. Your mil did the best when she was put on the spot.

^^^This.

You have to trust your children to understand. It is always hard being protected and the last to know. Children need to deal with this to grow up and at 9, they can understand a lot. It also means that they are an important part of the family, and not an outsider. Sometimes they do not appear to understand and you do things for them, but it is not for the best, because they do understand at their own level.

BarbarianMum · 16/02/2016 13:08

I think you were unwise to hide this death from your dd - how could you explained it it in a way that made it 'ok', it's very sad. I think if you wanted to be theonwe to break the news you should have done it immediately.

Allyearcheer · 16/02/2016 13:17

Your mother handled a difficult conversation in the best way she knew how.
You are completely unreasonable, to be so angry with her. Especially, as many pp have said, you do not appear to have told your mum your strong feelings and how you wanted to handle it.
I think it might help you to spend a little time reflecting on how this situation felt to your mum, and what her motivations were ( which appear to have been good) and a lot less time thinking only about how it all looks and feels to you. I speak from personal experience when I say that depression is fed by an obsession with one's own perspective and an inability to see other people's.

Original poster
TealLove · 16/02/2016 13:21

Thanks for your responses. No I didn't tell her not to tell her before she had her for the day. I really wanted to tell her myself but it's pretty unanimous I have BU.
I find the whole gone with the Angels thing awful and I would have chosen different words. Different concepts.
DD doesn't seem too bothered but you never know what goes on inside.

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 16/02/2016 13:21

YABU. Is your DD OK with the news? You haven't mentioned her being in any obvious distress.

I'm sorry for your loss, and it sounds like you've had a lot to cope with recently with depression, but it sounds as though this reaction is more about managing your emotions than your DD's.