To be really furious with my mum over what she said to my DD

[TealLove]

A relative by marriage has very very sadly died recently. He was only 9 my DDs age. She knew he was v poorly. We didn't break it to her for v specific reasons - she is v emotional at the moment and I have come out of a dreadful period of depression which has impacted her. We are trying to keep things mindful and positive in the family. Also, I think a child of her own age dying is relevant , I was going to sit her down and be really careful in how I talked to her about it with no religious overtones.
My bloody mother had DD and has told her! She said he had gone with " the Angels" to be with his mummy ( who sadly died years earlier)
I am absolutely furious with her. Apparently they were talking about the funeral and DD asked who has died so she must have known we hadn't said!!
There was absolutely no need and when I told her I couldn't believe she did it she just stormed out of the house after dropping DD.
How do I manage this? She has completely taken away something I wanted to control - the issue of death, a child's death and explaining it to my daughter of the same she in a mindful way!

[mellowfartfulness]

Fact is, if you have very strong feelings about how you want to approach certain things with your child, you need to make sure you tackle it quickly because - especially as they get to your DD's sort of age - they will be talking to other people about it and getting information from all sorts of places. I'd be deeply irritated by the angel crap, too. But I know lots of people will say that kind of thing to my kids and never even think that I might not like it.

A word in your mum's ear before she had your DD would have been a good idea. I completely understand you wanting to tackle it yourself, but I can quite see why your mum would have assumed DD knew and then been put on the spot by her question.

At 9 I'm sure your DD will make up her own mind about the religious stuff - and possibly change her mind again many times over as she grows up. Letting her know that your beliefs differ from Gran's is about all you can do there. Have you discussed religion before?

[nellyflora]

Yabu firstly you should have been open with your DD, you should have already been talking about the child's illness (if ill) and preparing your DD and certainly told her ASAP when the child died. Death is a fact of life we all have to deal with and hiding will always make it worse.
Grandma was put on the spot and did her best. I actually feel sorry for her being landed in that one. Ok you don't like the angles but it's pretty harmless really and at least your DD had someone tell her the other child died. It is quite normal for people to say things about the deceased being with loved ones and does give comfort to many. If the child's mother is also dead it does sound comforting! I would leave what grandma said alone and just add your own beliefs and talk about the fact we don't know what happens when somebody dies we all like to believe different things etc. but you may also find your DD has her own views and your and grandmas are completely irrelevant anyway.

[LagunaBubbles]

I get you feel its been "ruined" but if it really did mean that much to you why didn't you warn your Mum not to say anything before you could?

[ChubbyChubster]

OP, are you planning on apologising to your mother for your over-reaction?

[gooseberryroolz]

Are 'angels' and 'a place of rest and peace' really so very different? They're just different conceptualisations of the same thing. You could talk along those lines.

[TealLove]

Thank you everyone
I will say to my mum don't worry it's done now I should have said not to talk to her about it and leave it at that. This thread has given me opportunity to vent. My mother stormed out after I reproached her. I Don't want her to feel bad but I suspect she is cross with me.

[CooPie10]

Yes do have a chat with her and explain that you shouldn't have behaved that way. Hopefully it all blows over soon.

[BlondeOnATreadmill]

Your Mum didn't have any choice but to tell the truth really. Se couldn't say "no-one died", and she couldn't say that someone else had died.

If she's good enough to look after your DD, then I think you have to accept that she's good enough, when put on the spot (in your absence), to deal with any number of situations.

[Keeptrudging]

For children, the concept of someone dying and going to heaven/up to the clouds/to be with the angels is a lot easier to accept than the possible reality of 'they've died, they get buried, that's it'.

I'm an adult and when I look up at the stars I think of my loved ones who have died and feel comforted by the thought of them being in 'heaven', that their spirit is up there. Logic may tell me different, but I was brought up with the idea of heaven and it's one that still makes sense to me. Your mum's explanation was enough, and certainly not harmful. If your DD has a need for further explanation, she'll ask you.

[Mammabrown]

It will blow over with your mum apologies and hopefully she will see you overreacted how is your DD with the news is she OK? I know our instinct is to protect our Dc but with things like this it is best to be direct And honest

[Gatehouse77]

If you don't agree with how your mum included something you don't believe in, you can still address that now. It won't undermine either of you if you talk about different beliefs, understandings and choices.

No different to how you might redress the balance of something taught at school, particularly when your daughter does RE at school. Surely its mindful to learn tolerance and acceptance of people's different outlooks on life? (Genuine question, not to be interpreted as goady.)

[ProfGrammaticus]

I'm glad your DD is ok, or seems ok, at least. You might need to apologise to your mum for overreacting and explain what was in your mind. I'm sure you'll find a way to discuss it with your DD too. We all have plans in our minds, but they don't always work out, this is just one of those times, no one's fault really.

[LikeASoulWithoutAMind]

OP I'm really sorry for your family's loss and that your dd has had such a tough time too

I think your mum was in a difficult position and put on the spot. I know it isn't how you wanted your dd to receive the news but I don't think it means everything is ruined. I think actually it presents a good opportunity to talk about how noone truly knows what happens when we die and that different people have different ideas and we should respect those. You can tell her what your personal beliefs are and how those aren't same as Granny's but that's OK and what does she think?

I do understand your instinct to protect your dd but in my experience, children deal with death better than many adults and appreciate honesty from the adults around them. She may come and ask more questions at random times so be ready for that. The Winston's Wish website although primarily there to help children who have lost a parent or sibling, has some excellent advice which is relevant to supporting any grieving child.

[shazzarooney99]

Your mother probably thought youd already told your daughter and for what its with you should have probably told your daughter straightaway anyway, no good comes from the fact of delaying or not telling them, i learned this a few weeks back, when i diddnt tell my son my aunty had died as my mum had died 3months before and my son has suspected asd and one day he overheard me on the phone and had a huge huge meltdown, i diddnt want to tell him about my aunt as it sent him into chaos for 3months

[NewLife4Me]

YABU, why didn't you make your views known to your dm if they are so strong in your mind.
Also, what was your mum supposed to tell her when she asked and just because you don't want religious connotations attached to death, what makes you so sure your dd doesn't. Let her make her own mind up, it's up to her what she believes.
Finally, do you know how lucky you are to have a mum who has your dd? Some, in fact many people don't have this.
I'm sorry you have been through depression, that is awful, I know.
But fighting the people who have probably helped you a lot isn't good for your recovery because you'll just piss them off.
Your dd knows now and unless there's lots more you aren't posting has dealt with it fine, so no harm done.
In future just make your views clear, people aren't mind readers. for you. Call your mum and apologise ffs, it's really not important after what you have been through.

[Goingtobeawesome]

I think YANBU. I'm forever telling my PIL not to tell the kids stuff, usually surprises and I'd be upset if they did tell so something more serious I can understand you are upset.

I'd ring your mum and say sorry if you upset her, you were just taken aback and had planned what to say to DD.

You can still say what you wanted too but now you can ask your DD what her initial thoughts were and you can learn things from each other.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

I'm not surprised she's cross, how on earth was she to know you wanted your dd to only have one very specific idea about death, that she should ignore questions asked - I mean what was she supposed to do, read your mind? Ignore your dd question?

I think it's important that kids know there are different ideas and beliefs about what happens after death and that all those ideas and beliefs should be respected. Just because you 'don't like' the idea of angels doesn't make it an inherently less important or valuable belief. You don't know any better than your mum does.

If you'd asked her to not share those ideas with dd I'm sure she would have complied. I think you have been very unfair to your DM and need to actually apologise, not just say 'oh well it's done now' as though she's fucked up but you'll forgive her. She hasn't.

[sadwidow28]

I looked after my DN most weekends and holidays after my DB died. DN was nearly 7 yrs old and I was told by SIL not to speak about his dad's death as he had a professional child counsellor. I also have a faith whilst SIL is a 'he can choose when he is older' school of thought. I never spoke about his Dad until the day he broke down during bedtime routine and said, "Do you know my Daddy has died?" I then spoke to him about sadness and loss and living in our hearts and minds. I had hurt that lovely little boy by changing the subject every time he wanted to speak. I am still careful to respect his Mum's views on religion but I begin discussions we now have with "You know that I and Gran's family believe....." and then we have one of our Critical Discussions which he loves. We have been doing these discussions since he was 11yrs old.

Children need to speak about abstract concepts with many trusted adults.

Please forgive your Mum. Lying or avoidance will do more damage IMO.

[Quoteunquote]

OP you are angry at the wrong person, you let your daughter down and you are lashing out, apology to all and in future be upfront with your daughter about life and death issues.

[TealLove]

Ok I accept that iabu

[Mammabrown]

Have you spoken to your mum Teal ?

[Blu]

People have different ways of describing 'rest and peace', and angels is one of them. Personally I think souls at rest and peace IS 'religious' , in that it is 'spiritual' . As opposed to just not being alive , like before we were born .

It must have been incredibly difficult , watching parents lose a 9 year old , knowing that a child your own child's age, could die.

Your sensitivities are not your dd's. She will Find her own way, just as you yourself , as your mother's dd found your own way.

Sorry for the loss in your family .

[IrishDad79]

"Don't worry, it's done now" is not an apology at all, it's still basically telling your mum it was her fault when it was you who fucked up. If it meant so much to you, you could have easily told her "mum, please don't mention xxxx dying to dd, I haven't told her yet and I want to explain it myself."

And even then, that would still be putting your mother in an awkward position in the event of your dd bringing up the subject. My reaction would be "Christ, you haven't even told her yet?!"

You really hung your mother out to dry on this one.

[BreatheandFlyAway]

Poor old mum, can't do anything right! Even though she answered a question honestly to the best of her abilities without any pre warning. Also think souls at rest is a different generation's twee. Let's face it, we do not know, do we?

Sorry for the loss in your family, that's so sad.