Are my parents unreasonable? And what do I do next?

[deerman]

Sorry a bit of background here.

My mum has never really liked my DW. When they first met long before we married my mum was very nice to her. But as time went on she became less comfortable with DW being around. I asked her about this and my mum says that at first she thought I was only dating my wife to get ahead in my career but now she could see that I loved her she thought I could do better. DW is always pleasant towards my mum. We only see my parents once a year now as they live far away we don't keep in contact only on birthdays and Christmas when I call them.

So my DW had our DD a couple of weeks ago. DD was a bit early and the labour was very traumatic for dw who had to have an emergency c-section in the end. But both did very well and they came home today.

So after the birth I video called my parents to tell them DD had been born and told them her name etc. My mum was upset that I hadn't called earlier when dw was in labour. I explained that there was no time beforehand and she quickly moved the conversation on to when she could come and visit. I said I would tell her when but probably not for a few weeks and they would have to stay in a hotel which I would pay for. My mum was a bit upset and said she felt left out. I apologised but said that I wanted to spend time with DD as a family of 3 and get used to her before any visitors.

So last week the doctors said that if everything was good over the weekend then DW and DD could go home on Monday (today). I texted this news to my dad.

So today we got home and we had just sat down and suddenly there are my parents standing at the door complete with suitcases. DW and I were in shock. I let them in and asked them why they were here. My mum said that they assumed my text was an invitation to come over and stay.I said I didn't have a hotel for them or anything and my mum said it was too late now as they were here and they would have to stay with us if they couldn't find one.

They went and sat in the living room with dw and DD. Dw was holding DD and my mum started stood in front of them and started cooing right in DDs face. I told her to sit down which she did and I went online to look for a hotel for them.

My mum then started referring to DD by her middle name. I reminded her that DDs first name was X. But she then did it again. I told her again that DDs first name is X and she was using DDs middle name. My mum said that this was because she didn't like DDs first name because it was unusual (DDs first name is Welsh as is my wife and DDs middle name is a common name which a member of my family has). My dw told my mum that we liked the name and she explained the meaning behind it. My mum said fine then and sighed.

Then DD started crying so dw asked if my parents could leave while she fed DD. My mum stared muttering about coming all this way and not getting to hold her but they both left. But then as soon as dw said she was done my mum was in the room like a shot and she grabbed DD out of my dws arms and started kissing her and whispering to her she turned her back on all of us and cuddled DD.

I then found them a hotel and told them about it and said I was booking them a taxi. My mum said she was staying longer and started to cry. My dad asked if they could stay just an extra half an hour and they both turned to my dw and asked her again to stay longer. She said yes so I agreed as well and booked the taxi for half an hour later.

A few minutes later DD started crying in my mum's arms. My dw asked if she could have her back and my mum said no I want to hold her more you can have her all to yourself when I leave. I could see that dw was upset so I told my mum to give her DD which she reluctantly did.

DD settled and then my mum was on at dw asking for my dad to have a hold as he hadn't held DD yet. So we gave her to my dad and then my mum took her off him. DD started crying again and my mum started to shush her but used DDs middle name again.

Dw said sorry but DD is called x not by her middle name. My mum said that she was calling DD by her middle name and she couldn't see why we didn't give DD a first name from my family as my DWs family were all dead so DD wouldn't care about them or their culture anyway.

Dw asked for DD back now but my mum said no as she is the only grandparents DD has and DW has to learn to share. I told her to give DD back and I stood up and took her from my mum and gave her back to my wife.

I told my parents that their taxi was coming and they should wait outside. My mum went towards dw to kiss DD, as she did she whispered something which I couldn't hear and I got both my parents out the door and when I returned my wife was in tears. Turns out my mum had told her that she didn't deserve DD but it didn't matter because she would probably kill DD just like she killed her family. (Her family died in a tragic accident which was not my wife's fault at all)

A couple of hour ago my dad called. DW didn't want me to answer but I did anyway. He said that my mum had got carried away because she was upset that she wouldn't get much time with DD before they go home and could we just put up with them for the week and then they will go home and we won't see them for ages. He asked if I could do it for him as he wants to know his granddaughter before they leave and he loves her and us and wants to see her again and a couple more visits before they leave wouldn't be too much to ask as they had travelled a long way and didn't get a chance to take a picture. My mum was crying in the background. I said I would see what happens.

But dw was listening and she was really upset because I wasn't more firm with them.

So now I don't know what to do. My mum was awful but they travelled here and they don't have pictures and my dad didn't even really get to hold her and they will probably turn up again this week and try and see DD again. I'm not sure what to do if they come here again.

X post with Arf - completely agree

Sorry- culture doesn't come into this. Your mother has behaved dreadfully and obviously has serious MH issues. No sane person behaves in this way...

I would not let her anywhere near my DC- she really sounds extremely unstable.

Your DF might have always been supportive of you in terms of your education but he is in denial about your DMs behaviour.

Your poor DW doesn't need this having just been through a traumatic birth.

Congratualtions on the birth of your DD! Enjoy her and keep your bat shit crazy DM away from her...

it is a bit of a shock to the system to find out how awful your mother is. you will need to come to terms with that as well.

ringing your brother sounds a good idea.

this sounds like a good case for going non contact with your mother. that willbe difficult for you to get your head round. ou may have to limit contact with your dad too. depends how much he supports your mum.

If your wife has gone through a birth trauma you need to be so so careful with her emotional health (applies to all new mums but those of us who've had a BT in particular). You should put her first. Your mum taking the baby from her, being really unkind (to put it mildly) to her are all things that could trigger a breakdown particularly if she has no extended familial support and feels you aren't 100% on her team. I've gone through years of hell from postnatal PTSD following a traumatic birth and know of many other ladies from our support group where stories like these (then my mil refused to give my baby back etc) are very common as triggers. Please tell your parents to back off, they can have time with your daughter when you are sure that a) you mum has apologised and is rational and b) your dw is ok

Your poor wife. But actually, I think you have done quite well, as you yourself must be in a bit of shock, denial, and exhaustion too. I'm not saying that you should necessarily do anything, or take responsibility, but it sounds like your mother has either some mental illness (a personality disorder?) or perhaps dementia going on, and your Dad is protecting her and/or in denial. He will be the one to get her help, so perhaps you would feel better if you suggested this to him, and then go no contact.

I would hardly believe this thread if something quite similar hadn't happened to me - honestly some people do go crazy when a new baby arrives. OP you have my sympathy.

Sometimes though there is very little you can do. My parents went a bit nuts after I had DS and insisted on visitinh earlier than we suggested although they did stay in a hotel. It was a horribly awkward visit and at one point they lost their shit with me and my father squared up to my DH and insulted him, talked to him like he was a naughty 12 year old, not a grown man in his own home. My DH hasn't spoken to them since and it life extremely difficult. The only upside is we live abroad so don't have to see them much.

InionEile I won't go into the detail but that sounds very similar to what my parents did only mine were a bit worse.... I don't think I can ever forgive them for, as a previous poster said, tainting my early days and weeks with my DD, and I had had a very bad birth too which took a long time to get over. I had always believed my parents would love and protect me if I ever needed their help, and at the most vulnerable time of my life they not only didn't look after me but actively hurt me. It has caused a huge amount of trouble and bad feeling ever since and I will never really get over it. I'm only beginning to deal with it now in therapy. And I didn't do anything to deserve it! What is wrong with people! I can't imagine treating one of my children or their partners like that at what should be such a joyful and special time! :(

Gosh my mother went even more crazy with newborn DS but your relatives beat her hands down I'm afraid!

My husband was a scary abusive violent man who we got away from when DS was tiny. My mother decided it was appropriate to be ragingly jealous of me, and my father (DS grandfather), and she voiced the jealously constantly and expected special tweatment (including wanting to be named 'mamma' instead of some kind of grandma derivation), to make poor diddums better... To the point where she got spitting angry with me for not letting her push me out of being a mother to my child.

She then said as some kind of excuse that 'it's alright for him (venomous glare at my father), DS doesn't have a father so he has a role (second venomous glare at my father), what about meeee, you're still here, so there's no room for me in DS life, unless you go away...'

Errr, sorry mother dear, are you aware you are wishing your grandson didn't have a mother so you got to be the mummy? How exactly do you want me to go? You know, me, your daughter and your beloved grandsons mother... The person you want out of here, would you prefer me dying or just abandoning DS?... And the really terrible thing is that she just shrugged and said sulkily 'I don't care what YOU do'

Foul woman.

Good luck and I hope you can help DW get back some of the joy in these early days.

If you were the worst husband ever you would be siding with your DM. You weren't to know her behaviour would be so nasty.

It must be hard, no-one wants to lose contact with their mother, however awful they are, but sometimes there is no other option. Saying wicked things to your DW immediately after her return home from giving birth is unforgivable.

Repair and restore.

That is your job now.

Tell your parents that they were OOO and are not ever welcome in your lives.

Then slam that door. Keep your wife out of your toxic family - protect her and your DD from them.

Then make the very most of your time now with your new family. Do not dwell on it - do not let it pollute this time. Anticipate everything they will do next and circumvent it ... eg turning up, phoning, emailing, sending gifts, getting other people to intervene ... you need plans in place for each of these.

Go NC. Block their numbers. Do not answer the door. Bin any gifts unopened etc.

Fuck your Dad - he is the silent abuser - the enabler standing by - dont give him any sympathy or credit. In many ways he is worse. Your DM is evil/nuts - maybe MH issues - he is apparently sane tolerates and enables her destruction.

The cultural divide is no excuse, NONE at all, for your mother's behaviour. Absolutely NOTHING to do with it. She might not like your wife because she's not Indian, she might not like her because it's a different culture/social background - but NONE of that excuses what she said and did to your wife the day she came out of hospital after a difficult birth.

So although the cultural background provides some backdrop colour to the situation, it has no bearing on the appallingness of your mother's behaviour. Most people with any level of humanity and decency would just be coldly civil to someone they didn't like or approve of, not as outright vicious as your mother was.

And no, you're most definitely NOT the worst husband in the world because you ARE standing up for your DW and DD, and you're not telling your DW stuff like "that's just Mum's way, you'll have to forgive her" "Oh it wasn't that bad, she didn't really mean it" - which is the standard sort of minimising that goes on where a husband isn't able to separate from Mummy and support his wife and family properly.

Good idea to ring your brother; at least to talk it over.

One more thing - word of warning, really - your mother might very well develop some kind of health condition in the very near future, heart problems are favourite. Don't be taken in by it, it's a guilt thing to bring you back to heel.

You'll do ok, Deerman, you will - because you've already done the right things so far, and because you're asking for advice. You may have to take the next step with your parents, depending on how they behave from now on - but please please don't put your DW in the position of having to behave politely to them ever again.

Oh, please.

You'll be fine. You did well as a start, and no one can anticipate that level of sheer unadulterated nastiness, especially not from their mum. So long as you keep her well away from your wife and child, your wife will forgive you.

As for your dad, his choice. Support your mum, lose you all. Or not. He's a grown up.

To those who think hairy hams or book plot, my experience with my own mother has been scarily similar. I've also got interesting SILS. As a result of her latest antics i finally said dh had to choose (after 10 years). We begin marriage counselling this week.
Shut the door, turn in to your own family, sleep, rest, help each other, and feel calm, knowing that you started out right. Even if you wobbled for a while that's understandable.

Those saying he should immediately know the answer, well no. Its no different from am abusive partner. If you've had a mother who for decides has been like this, your sense of priorities and capabilities becomes completely warped.

Well done and good luck.

Mother who for decades. ..
Sorry, didn't preview.

Thanks, georgette. It's comforting to hear that I'm not the only person who has experienced this. I felt the same as you say - I had a traumatic birth too (long labor, forceps delivery and was still on anti-inflammatories, antibiotics and big pain relief when they visited) and was utterly floored by my parents' total disregard for my health. It really hurt that they only seemed to care for their own feelings and couldn't give a shit about me or my DH. My DM then went on to rationalize her experience by saying I 'wasn't coping'. In fact I was doing remarkably well considering!

Ugh. Re-opening old wounds here. Good for you for seeing a therapist to get support. I saw one too for a while and it helped put everything in context.

Sorry to derail, deerman. It goes to show that your experience, while extreme, is definitely not unheard of. A lot of grandparents seem to go round the bend with the first grandchild and lose perspective that they are not the centre of attention. This does NOT excuse your DM's behavior at all but might help you feel better about it.

Good plan to talk to your brother. My sister helped at the time as someone I could talk to since my DH was so upset. Please try to take care of each other and not let your awful experience poison what should be a beautiful time in your lives.

Had you been in different culture, it would have been sheer love of your mother, which you can't see.... I am unable to understand your behavior towards your parents... You love your newborn DD so much, can't your MOM feel same love for u ? can't you see that she is not given the respect for being your mom, staying in hotel , it would be complete insult for a parent in Indian/Asian context... to me you behaved totally stranger/unloved towards your parents ...

Sorry to say, but I feel western culture is really weird, you love your children so much but can't feel the love of your parents ... Live-in, multiple marriages, kids of somebody taken care by somebody, divorce sword always hanging, no loyalties from partners, no family love even for your parents ( not able to understand their emotion), so much liberation in terms of sex, and what not is leading your life stressful, no security, emotionally broken families .... and now same culture is being adapted by Asian families also ....

You guys are seriously missing BIG things in life. Compromise, love for family members, understanding each other's emotion, being forgive for elder's mistake, loyalties towards partner can make your life so good( you get what you do to others). Well said : "You don't know what you are missing till you know it".

If my reply sounds unacceptable for you, pls forgive me. Though I see some of your mother's behavior is not good but emotion does play a role on it. When you children whom you have loved so much, not putting up with you, not reciprocating the love you have for them as parents( after all for parents, their kids will always be dear), not having any right on your kids can play a trick and they will emotionally feel left out. In case your compromise can make them happy for sometimes, why not do it ? If you show due respect/love towards your parents, they will feel good and there will be less chances for their bad behavior.

Oh, there's always one. Well done, mom17. Are you the OP's mother?

Compromise - how about compromising when one's DIL has just gotten home from a major operation and a life-changing experience, and giving her some space?
love for family members - not snatching their baby away or accusing them of killing their entire family would be a good start
understanding each other's emotion - understanding that one's DIL just got home from a major operation and a life-changing experience would fall into that category
being forgive for elder's mistake - you mean a lifetime of being a bitch to her children, or did you miss that her other son doesn't have contact with her either?

"You don't know what you are missing till you know it" - That is not a saying. Well, not in our evil Western sexually liberated crazy "have respect for other people" culture, anyway.

sorry, I hadn't read your full text and didn't read what your mother whispered... can't imagine anybody saying so... Had I been in your place, I would have asked her if she said so and why she said so just to clear if it was not misunderstanding.

Please support and look after your wife. She is so vulnerable X

if she said so and why she said so just to clear if it was not misunderstanding.

So you think his DW was lying? OR made a mistake? When the MIL whispered it deliberately so that no one else could hear? Sure, seems likely.

talk can solve lots of issue, it is sure sign of depression or emotional unbalancing which needs a treatment. I am not saying DW was lying, I said misunderstanding... for her( DW) its a kind of new birth and she must be going through emotionally/physically unstable. I just want him to think from her mother's emotional angle also, she is not a stranger, he has full right to talk to her, make her understand in manner which is hurtful. You can say even a very unpleasant thing sounding ok if you show trust/love/understanding towards other person. I am not saying do something which your wife don't like but being a child show your concern towards them, tell them I understand what you are going through but can you please control your words/emotion so that things are not ruined totally.

sorry not hurtful