Are my parents unreasonable? And what do I do next?

[deerman]

Sorry a bit of background here.

My mum has never really liked my DW. When they first met long before we married my mum was very nice to her. But as time went on she became less comfortable with DW being around. I asked her about this and my mum says that at first she thought I was only dating my wife to get ahead in my career but now she could see that I loved her she thought I could do better. DW is always pleasant towards my mum. We only see my parents once a year now as they live far away we don't keep in contact only on birthdays and Christmas when I call them.

So my DW had our DD a couple of weeks ago. DD was a bit early and the labour was very traumatic for dw who had to have an emergency c-section in the end. But both did very well and they came home today.

So after the birth I video called my parents to tell them DD had been born and told them her name etc. My mum was upset that I hadn't called earlier when dw was in labour. I explained that there was no time beforehand and she quickly moved the conversation on to when she could come and visit. I said I would tell her when but probably not for a few weeks and they would have to stay in a hotel which I would pay for. My mum was a bit upset and said she felt left out. I apologised but said that I wanted to spend time with DD as a family of 3 and get used to her before any visitors.

So last week the doctors said that if everything was good over the weekend then DW and DD could go home on Monday (today). I texted this news to my dad.

So today we got home and we had just sat down and suddenly there are my parents standing at the door complete with suitcases. DW and I were in shock. I let them in and asked them why they were here. My mum said that they assumed my text was an invitation to come over and stay.I said I didn't have a hotel for them or anything and my mum said it was too late now as they were here and they would have to stay with us if they couldn't find one.

They went and sat in the living room with dw and DD. Dw was holding DD and my mum started stood in front of them and started cooing right in DDs face. I told her to sit down which she did and I went online to look for a hotel for them.

My mum then started referring to DD by her middle name. I reminded her that DDs first name was X. But she then did it again. I told her again that DDs first name is X and she was using DDs middle name. My mum said that this was because she didn't like DDs first name because it was unusual (DDs first name is Welsh as is my wife and DDs middle name is a common name which a member of my family has). My dw told my mum that we liked the name and she explained the meaning behind it. My mum said fine then and sighed.

Then DD started crying so dw asked if my parents could leave while she fed DD. My mum stared muttering about coming all this way and not getting to hold her but they both left. But then as soon as dw said she was done my mum was in the room like a shot and she grabbed DD out of my dws arms and started kissing her and whispering to her she turned her back on all of us and cuddled DD.

I then found them a hotel and told them about it and said I was booking them a taxi. My mum said she was staying longer and started to cry. My dad asked if they could stay just an extra half an hour and they both turned to my dw and asked her again to stay longer. She said yes so I agreed as well and booked the taxi for half an hour later.

A few minutes later DD started crying in my mum's arms. My dw asked if she could have her back and my mum said no I want to hold her more you can have her all to yourself when I leave. I could see that dw was upset so I told my mum to give her DD which she reluctantly did.

DD settled and then my mum was on at dw asking for my dad to have a hold as he hadn't held DD yet. So we gave her to my dad and then my mum took her off him. DD started crying again and my mum started to shush her but used DDs middle name again.

Dw said sorry but DD is called x not by her middle name. My mum said that she was calling DD by her middle name and she couldn't see why we didn't give DD a first name from my family as my DWs family were all dead so DD wouldn't care about them or their culture anyway.

Dw asked for DD back now but my mum said no as she is the only grandparents DD has and DW has to learn to share. I told her to give DD back and I stood up and took her from my mum and gave her back to my wife.

I told my parents that their taxi was coming and they should wait outside. My mum went towards dw to kiss DD, as she did she whispered something which I couldn't hear and I got both my parents out the door and when I returned my wife was in tears. Turns out my mum had told her that she didn't deserve DD but it didn't matter because she would probably kill DD just like she killed her family. (Her family died in a tragic accident which was not my wife's fault at all)

A couple of hour ago my dad called. DW didn't want me to answer but I did anyway. He said that my mum had got carried away because she was upset that she wouldn't get much time with DD before they go home and could we just put up with them for the week and then they will go home and we won't see them for ages. He asked if I could do it for him as he wants to know his granddaughter before they leave and he loves her and us and wants to see her again and a couple more visits before they leave wouldn't be too much to ask as they had travelled a long way and didn't get a chance to take a picture. My mum was crying in the background. I said I would see what happens.

But dw was listening and she was really upset because I wasn't more firm with them.

So now I don't know what to do. My mum was awful but they travelled here and they don't have pictures and my dad didn't even really get to hold her and they will probably turn up again this week and try and see DD again. I'm not sure what to do if they come here again.

Your mother is a class one bitch and I hope that you DO have the strength to keep her well away from both your wife and daughter from now on.

I would have gone completely postal over what she said and wouldn't ever see her again either. Your Dad might be a different kettle of fish, but he's "enabling" his wife to be an utter bitch, so he's not really much better than she is. He should have reined her in and told her that it's not on, frankly - and as he didn't, then he's complicit in her foul behaviour.

You've asked what to do next - support your wife and daughter in any way you can, and that includes protecting them from the utterly poisonous behaviour of your mother.

You shouldn't be supporting your wife, you should be taking charge.
I'd cancel their hotel booking in your name, turn off my phone, keep the door's locked and let your dw know that she doesn't have to worry about anything to do with them.

So your mum had already alienated your brother & his wife? She will be running out of relatives at this rate...

Thank you. Calling my brother for support is a good idea and I will do that in the morning.

And your right my dad would never let anyone treat my mum the way my mum has treated my wife. I am the worst husband ever and I shouldn't have let them get away with what they did and I hope one day my DW will be able to forgive me for it.

You have done well by telling your wife that you will back her up. Please stick to it. Your poor poor wife. She has done nothing wrong and your mother has said something unforgivable to her and behaved really badly. Tell your mum and dad that your mum needs to apologise to your wife directly and kindly and after that you will assess whether or not it is OK for them to see your child. But not on this visit. It's too soon for your wife.

Blimey - I really really feel for you. I joined MN to talk about my own mother who flipped out at my DW when we had our twins and said some appalling things but I've never found the courage to post. In our case my Dad (close my whole life, regular drinking mate, football matches etc etc) "sided" 100% with Mum so we essentially have two estranged parents for the price of one. My parents live 20 miles away but only because we recently moved back to the area after 25 years in London so I mourn the loss strongly. They still occasionally see the kids (and us) but its gritted teeth on our part and the kids see their wider family in London more despite the distance. Selfishly I feel betrayed by my Dad more than anything but my Mum was totally vile to DW days after the twins arrived.

Congrats on the safe arrival of DD - awesome for you and your wife despite all this.

You're not the worst husband ever, op. But the way you handle your mother/parents now will impact on your relationship with your Dw. Please don't downplay your mother's actions - she was an out and out bitch.

Holte

If you need to, please find the courage to post for support - MN is pretty good at helping out

I'm sorry to say but your mother does not sound like anyone safe to be around a newborn. She sounds seriously unhinged. She needs to see a doctor.

She is so terrifyingly unstable you just cannot let her anywhere near your wife and baby again.

She sounds dangerous. What's her next move once she knows she has seriously fucked up?? I mean she's scary enough just being asked to back off a bit after turning up uninvited. Once she knows you intend to cut her off - I dread to think!

My DF mam made nasty remarks about my brothers name when he was born and my DF lost his temper. He went NC and his siblings unfortunately sided with her. Glad to here your supporting your wife. Could your DM prejudice your DW is her skin colour thats triggered such venom and hate or is she indian herself?

Oh your poor wife. I know how much you miss parents who have died when you have a baby. Your mum is cruel.
It's a shame about your dad, but he is beyond your reach now really. You're doing the right thing.

Wow. And I thought my parents went batshit after our first DC was born. Holy crap, deerman, your DM will be lucky if your DW ever speaks to her again after that display of lunacy.

Do your parents have form for overstepping your boundaries and disrespecting your wishes as an adult? If they do, maybe it's time they learned their lesson.

Sometimes though there is very little you can do. My parents went a bit nuts after I had DS and insisted on visitinh earlier than we suggested although they did stay in a hotel. It was a horribly awkward visit and at one point they lost their shit with me and my father squared up to my DH and insulted him, talked to him like he was a naughty 12 year old, not a grown man in his own home. My DH hasn't spoken to them since and it life extremely difficult. The only upside is we live abroad so don't have to see them much.

Unless your mother is willing to make a very contrite and thorough apology, your DW would be fully entitled to tell them to leave and not come back.

Haven't read the full thread, but this is your wifes first day home, with first baby, and she has no family of her own to even say congratulations. I would tell your dad he is welcome back, but tell your mum she has really upset dw, and you're angry at her. When you and dw calm down, maybe you will visit. Your mums behaviour has been awful.

If this is true do people seriously exist like this?!

I don't really know why my mum doesn't like my dw. It could be because she is from a different culture to us (my wife is Welsh and both sets of grandparents came from mining backgrounds whereas we are Indian and my parents are from her wealthy backgrounds). I don't know if it's because until my wife left to have DD she was doing much better in our chosen careers than I have (this has always been the case) I don't no if it's a personality thing though my wife is lovely and has always been nice to my mum. I wonder of its just a losing her son's thing because she was horrible to my SIL as well or just a not wanting other women in the family thing.

On the day she gets out of hospital from a C Section she's told by your mother she will kill her baby like she killed her family

Obviously you never speak to them again. Ever. If your dads mad enough to stand by her that's his problem.

That's pure evil that is.

Your DM was not carried away she was vicious and cruel.

Your DW will probably forgive you if you protect her properly from now on and don't let your parents through the door again during this visit. A relationship can be forged eventually after apologies from your parents and your DW has recovered from the traumatic birth.

I think the reason is jealousy of her relationship with you, and revenge on her.

Why didn't you mention the Indian/Welsh cultural divide in your op?

It doesn't excuse dms behaviour but it does make it comprehensible.

It doesn't really matter why your mother dislikes Dw. It actually doesn't even matter if her dislike was/is justified (can't see it though - your Dw sounds lovely )

Even if your wife was horrible, the way your mother treated her could NEVER be justified.

How is your wife doing now deer?

Your mum doesn't like your wife because your mum (sorry) is a dangerous nutter. She wants it to be all about her. At this moment, nothing is about her. It is ALL about your wife who is a new mother (v emotional and difficult time) and has also had a very sad bereavement which she is probably feeling particularly keenly as a new mother. I expect she would love to be able to introduce her baby to those family members. Instead, she has your mum saying it's all her fault and grabbing her newborn baby off her. Your mum is being deliberately nasty to your chosen partner. I don't know what else you need here. Tell your mum to back off and behave or she won't be seeing your baby any time soon. If she doesn't like that, well, tough.

This must be so stressful for you, your DW and your new baby. Hope everyone is managing ok. How old is your new baby now?