AIBU to be raging with my mother over this?

[Nicebucket]

Mum and I are very close- the only family we have is each other, so I've always been insecure of losing her, something happening to her.

She lives in Asia, but we keep in regular contact.

Yesterday out of the blue she tells me she's going for this trip to a very dangerous place. I'm not religious at all, but my mother is. And this place has some sort of religious significance. It's also for tourism purposes, but the fact that this place is "holy" was the main driver.

It's in the mountains, in a place prone to landslides, casualties and dangerous weather.

The surrounding areas are prone to terrorist activity.

She could have taken a flight, but no, she's taken a 14 hour train journey instead because it's £50 cheaper. I offered to pay the bloody £50 which could have gotten her there in ONE HOUR INSTEAD.

reaching the "holy" shrine requires a TEN HOUR hike up the mountains. She's got osteoporosis and slip disks in her back and she's medically not supposed to do this. I've begged her to take a helicopter instead which I will pay for, I have no idea if she'll listen.

The queue to view the holiness, is apparently SIX to SIXTEEN hours.

The best part? There is no mobile phone network there. None.

So until Saturday evening I won't know whether she's ok or not, alive or not.

I was totally honest with her about the anxiety this would cause me, I requested her repeatedly not to go. At least not until she had better planned her trip. But she obviously doesn't give a fuck about either logic or what I feel.

I realise totally that I can't restrict her, but at the same time I can't control my anxiety and worry for her

please seek some help so you can try and start living with it. You can't control it at the moment. But you may be able to in future.

Thank you deregistered!

Yes, we love each other loads.

But obviously that doesn't mean we don't have e our differences

I am just a bit older than your mother and not as adventurous, but the fact is at my age, I think about my death a lot. How will I face it? Will I be brave enough? If my mind, sight or hearing go first? So personally I know that I have to work on my spirituality to give me the strength to face that ultimate test.

I am very concerned that you feel that your life will be ruined when you mother dies.

Atenco- yes it is concerning but it is what it is.

And it's easy for you to judge me got feeling like my life will be ruined, but you aren't in my position. You don't know what it's like to have only one family member, only one person really who loves you and who can depend on and turn to.

At the moment I don't have a boyfriend/ husband either

Perhaps if/when I have a family of my own, my dependency on her will reduce

Mostly being nosey, where is it, if it's not too identifying to say?

Sent you a pm! It would be indentifying to say, although maybe some people have guessed already

She's phoned me to say she didn't take the helicopter and chose to hike it because there were two seats left only and she gave them to a disabled girl and her mum.

So she's hiked the 10 hours and is at the shrine.

No idea when she will call next or be back

Hope she is ok. I understand your anxiety but maybe she has got to a stage in her life when she just thinks 'What the hell!' so you've done all you can. she knows you love her. You can't really do anymore. Is she travelling alone?

Please see someone about your anxiety.

Op I don't think your anxiety is out of control. I would be worried too. But you just need to express your concerns to her(you have), offer to help(you have) so now you have to let her make her own decisions and be there to help when she needs you. She did the same for you I presume. How wonderful she has a daughter like you. Try to occupy yourself in the meantime xx

The more time that's going by, the more anxious I am getting and the more angry I am with her.

I just want her to return safe and sound. But when she does, I honestly don't think I'll want to talk to her for a few days. I'm really, really upset that she's done this knowing full well how miserable it would make me. And I don't think I'll be able to go back to normal for a while.

But she's called you and everything is ok. I really understand anxiety but I don't understand your need to punish her

She made it to the shrine, having done the decent thing by someone in even greater need, and she managed to phone you - she's doing brilliantly

But this bit makes no sense. You miss her and worry about her so much that you stop speaking to her... how does that work? Suppose she got back safely and then got run over by a bus* while you were still sulking? How would you feel then? Try to be grateful you've still got her, don't waste it with pointless anger.

*shorthand for any unexpected unpleasant event

YABU but mainly because your anxiety isn't allowing you to think things through in a rational way. Your mother needs to be able to live her life and that includes making her own judgements about what risks are worth taking.

Well, I was worried because she said she'd phone back in 2-3 hours and it had been ten.

She just phoned me again finally. She sounds unwell, irritated, exhausted and completely disoriented. She hasn't showered or slept in almost 48 hours and it goes without saying she hasn't eaten properly, if at all. Medically, she's been advised not to even lift anything heavy or bend down unless absolutely necessary. And she took a ten hour hike up a steep mountain and then back down.

What was the point of this? If the purpose of a pilgrimage or whatever you want to call this is spiritual enlightenment and mental peace, then she's missed that by a mile.

If the purpose of the trip was that she'll go there, endure hardships and that will magically fix our problems, then I have no words to express how bafflingly illogical that is.

She's done this before- been on another holy journey (not a dangerous one) pray that a certain terrible thing wouldn't happen to me. The terrible thing happened anyway (big surprise)

What was the point of this. I know her well enough to say, she hadn't enjoyed a second of it and I told her she wouldn't.

Well on the upside it has been less than the 48hrs of worry you were imaging about 12 hours ago.

So you were proved right, she didn't enjoy it....or maybe she is acutely aware of your views and disapproving attitude that she has decided not to share the experience she had with you. Like I said earlier, I really get your anxiety but it reads to me this is more about you being right. And if so that is sad, you said in your OP that you were the closest thing each other had and yet apparently you're not wanting to share,understand or even listen to your mother's experience that was clearly so important to her. I can understand from your last point you don't have faith in religion and perhaps don't see why your Mother should when it failed last time, but am still not sure how raging against her now helps you get over the terrible thing or allows her to support you

Why do you think I judge you, OP. I don't, I am concerned.

No, it isn't about me being right.

Perhaps it's unreasonable, but I'm angry that she would risk her health and safety and put me through so much stress and worry for a reason That makes no sense.

And she got nothing out of it. Just like any logical person would have realised she couldn't.

Yes, maybe I'm being unreasonable, but I will take a long time to get over this.

Oh OP, I have nothing helpful to say. I just wanted to send sympathy and say I hope so much you cope okay for the next two days, and things end really well and she enjoys her trip and gets back safely.

Sorry, missed the last page. Glad she is back and safe, and sorry you have been so upset.

OP I'm sorry you've been so worried. But I'm sure your mum has got something out of the hike...even if it's just having got this trip out of her system and achieved something she wanted to do.

Isn't it good that your mum wants to do things independently? You're not in a position where your mum is bedridden and needing 24 hour care. It may have been a strain on her but she clearly wants to do things while she can and before her health deteriorates further.

From your posts you are obviously close - so try and see things from her point of view. Why did she want to do this trip? It was obviously important to her so do your best to support her even while you think it's not best for her. That's the best we can do for our friends and family really - support them in their choices.

OP I do all sorts of illogical, risky things. I have no religious beliefs but I do these things because I want to and because a life hemmed in by fear is no life at all. I spent a childhood with my mum's restrictive refrain of " ooh, be careful" ringing in my ears. It just wasn't healthy for me.

I hope you're getting help with your anxiety. It sounds as if there is a lot going on that you don't find easy.

OP - We've heard a lot about what you want but what about what your mum wants from her life? I am close to your mum's age, I have two adult children, I have lived my life for others up until now but now it is my turn to live my life. Life is too short for regrets, it sounds like your mum has given you lots and now it is time for her to do what she wants to do.

Having read the thread I am shocked that you care so little for your mothers beliefs. You may not have any faith but she evidently does and she wanted to do this for her faith. She has made the hike and she is fine. She has done it now and will soon be home where no doubt she will ache for days for overexerting herself however regardless I am sure she will be happy she has done it.

As someone with anxiety,no religion and a unpredictable mother in ill health, I completely understand the concerns that you have raised. However she evidently felt this was really important to her and you are completely dismissing that because you don't approve. She may not seem overly enthralled now as she is exhausted and had a very stressful few hours however, this meant something to her and she will be happy that she's done it. I'm sure she wouldn't stop you doing something that is important to you because she doesn't approve (and if she did maybe (regardless of being each others only family) you should butt out and get on with your own lives and stop trying to run each others lives from across the world).

Nicebucket - do you understand that your level of anxiety, and the energy you have been putting into it, have had no effect apart from harming you?

Anxiety robs you of peace of mind. It robs you of the positive experiences and thoughts you could have had, when instead you were spending time worrying, imagining 'What if...' scenarios and getting fruitlessly cross with the person you blame for the anxiety.

Will you please consider getting help to enable you to control your anxiety - instead of it controlling you, as it seems it has done over the past few days?

Two things my therapist taught me, which I found really helped.

1 - a breathing exercise.

Sit in a comfortable position and close your eyes. Breath in and out. Focus on the breathing - your stomach moving in and out, the movement of air in your mouth and nostrils, the sound of the breathing.

Thoughts will come into your head - this doesn't mean you have 'failed' or are doing it wrong. It is neither good nor bad. It just is. So acknowledge the thought, and consciously put it aside and refocus on your breathing.

You do this for about 10 minutes - longer or shorter if you want.

2 - a visualisation exercise.

Again - sit comfortably, eyes closed, breathing mindfully as above.

Picture the anxiety in your head - does it have shape? Colour? Weight? Visualise it changing.

For me, the anxiety and depression felt like a physical weight in my head. As I breathed in and out, I visualised that weight lifting - and I could feel it getting less, in my head. My therapist initially suggested I visualise it as a mass of dark colour, and 'saw' it getting lighter and brighter from the outside, in - until the dark coloured mass was all gone - this didn't 'work' for me - so I went away and thought about it, and realised it was the feeling of weight, so I worked with that.

You do what works for you.

I have found I can use both these tools when things are getting on top of me - they take a bit of practice, but they honestly do help. I hope they can help you too.