AIBU to be raging with my mother over this?

[Nicebucket]

Mum and I are very close- the only family we have is each other, so I've always been insecure of losing her, something happening to her.

She lives in Asia, but we keep in regular contact.

Yesterday out of the blue she tells me she's going for this trip to a very dangerous place. I'm not religious at all, but my mother is. And this place has some sort of religious significance. It's also for tourism purposes, but the fact that this place is "holy" was the main driver.

It's in the mountains, in a place prone to landslides, casualties and dangerous weather.

The surrounding areas are prone to terrorist activity.

She could have taken a flight, but no, she's taken a 14 hour train journey instead because it's £50 cheaper. I offered to pay the bloody £50 which could have gotten her there in ONE HOUR INSTEAD.

reaching the "holy" shrine requires a TEN HOUR hike up the mountains. She's got osteoporosis and slip disks in her back and she's medically not supposed to do this. I've begged her to take a helicopter instead which I will pay for, I have no idea if she'll listen.

The queue to view the holiness, is apparently SIX to SIXTEEN hours.

The best part? There is no mobile phone network there. None.

So until Saturday evening I won't know whether she's ok or not, alive or not.

I was totally honest with her about the anxiety this would cause me, I requested her repeatedly not to go. At least not until she had better planned her trip. But she obviously doesn't give a fuck about either logic or what I feel.

PS I admire your mum for her guts - I hope you do too on some level?

YABVU, OP. I'm with expat (who btw I think has a very good idea of what a really terrible 48 hours is like). It sounds as if you grew up in an unhealthy state of emotional dependence on your mother, which may make it all the more galling that she is doing this 'to you' now, but no adult has a right to curtail the life or activities of another in order to satisfy their own anxiety. I have anxiety too, and it is beyond grim, but I have no right to expect everyone else to limit their lives to accommodate the limitation of mine.

56! That is barely middle aged these days. I will be 56 next year and I plan to do a lot of travelling. At last I have the time and spare cash to do what I want. I would not change my mind because my DCs were anxious about me being out of phone range for two days. In fact I would be very hurt and annoyed if they showed such disrespect for my ability to make good choices.

PS. I am off to Patagonia in two weeks and I will be out of phone contact for at least 4 days. Neither my DH or my DCs have suggested I should stay at home for their peace of mind.

Maybe she feels, if she has medical conditions, that she won't be able to make this trip in a few years' time, and is determined to experience it, as it's clearly of huge spiritual significance to her, if she's willing to make such efforts to get there. The journey there is part of it.

And it's really not her fault that there's no mobile phone service - it's where it is. You can't say, Ah, Mum could you not go and see the Pope instead because the Vatican has 4G.

I find your comment that she has " done this to you" very telling. She hasn't done this "to" you, she's just done it and while she perhaps should have considered the impact this could have on you the trip isn't about you at all it's about HER and something that's obviously important to her.
You are far too emotionally dependent on your mum and you know this, you need to tackle that because sorry to be blunt but she won't be with you forever, even if she stays locked in a safe room for the next 3 years.
Try to get some therapy and counselling to tackle your anxiety and dependence instead of blaming your mum

But - sorry, I know this isn't the done thing - but I've just noticed your username, OP - you've started so many threads in the last few days about your anxiety and unhappiness about all kinds of things. Is there anyone you can talk to in real life, or ask your GP about getting some counselling support?

My parents do stuff like this to me.

I'm a responsible mother of three - used to getting around with three kids - if I let slip I'm planning to take them anywhere I get this . How worried they'll be - how irresponsible I am for doing this .

Upshot is they don't hear very much about my plans now till after I've done them.

My IL are retired now so about decade older than your mum - few health conditions especially around joints they had this extreme hike planned and I do mean extreme - they struggled when they'd done a slightly shorter version 15 years earlier - did oh really are you sure and they were adamant. We smiled and waved them off - doesn't mean we didn't care meant we trusted them to sort out what they wanted and to make appropriate plans as they have since they were 18.

It was bloody hard on them but they were so pleased they did it.

I expect I'll be that age when I get to the journeys I want - children grown up and save up for them. It's do them then or don't do them at all.

I'll admit it doesn't sound well planned form what you've written - but if you've politely checked she thought it through well she's an adult and it's her choice.

if you are suffering from anxiety - and it seems likely - see the GP see what help they can offer you.

She's 2 years younger than my mother! I would never dream of telling my mother what to do, she's very independent and she's at a stage in life where she has raised her children and can focus on her own fulfillment a bit more. She went on holiday recently and I just waved her off and wished her well without asking to assess the safety of every activity she would take part in! I can understand your concern because of your mother's health issues but she is an adult, you can't tell her what to do or guilt her into doing what you want and trying will only push her away. Why do you think she only told you about this trip at the last minute? So that you couldn't talk her out of it. If you persist in trying to control her then she will just give you less information about her life. Consider counselling to manage your fears.

"There is no chance of me ever apologising for being concerned about her and asking her to do the logical thing and not go for this pilgrimage or whatever you want to call it. If the situation was reversed she'd hit the roof. And she wouldn't apologise.

I don't feel sorry for requesting her to do the logical, same thing."

OK, Nicebucket - you are saying that your mum would react exactly the same way if she thought you were going to do something reckless or dangerous, and she wouldn't apologise for that.

What you aren't saying is whether her reaction would STOP you doing whatever it was.

I suffer from both anxiety and depression. Last year, ds3 (18) went off with four mates for a 10-day holiday in Malia. I had huge worries about this - about excessive alcohol consumption, cheap and unsafe alcohol, dangerous behaviours whilst drunk (jumping from one balcony to another, or from the balcony into the pool, unsafe sex), and quad bike riding (drunk or sober, frankly) - but he was an adult, had earned the money to pay for the trip himself, and I had to let him go.

I did worry about him, but it didn't even cross my mind to be angry with him for going.

Dh does a lot of flying, for work, at the moment - and I worry a lot about that. Once, I did beg him not to go - I allowed my fears to overtake me, and to convince me that he must not go on that plane, it wasn't safe. I got in a real state about it, on the phone to him. He was kind and reassuring, but utterly firm about the fact that he had to go - and he was right.

I still worry every time he gets on a plane, but my anxiety is my problem, and I don't have the right to expect anyone to change their life in order to assuage my anxiety.

What I am saying is that, as someone who suffers from anxiety, I do understand why you are feeling the way that you do - there are good, practical reasons for you to be anxious about your mum (just as there were good, practical reasons for me to worry about a pissed teenager on the loose on a quad bike in Malia), but you have to remember, as I do, that the ONLY thing you can control is yourself and your reactions. You can't expect other people to change their lives in line with your anxiety, but you can, and should have therapy and learn techniques that allow you to control your anxiety.

Kashmir ... maybe she thinks now or never. Has she done things like this before and expected you to save the day if things go bad. Then YANBU.

Perhaps the cheese stands completely alone here. But honestly, given that I know she would be completely alone without me, I would feel selfish and irresponsible if I took risky trips and risked my health and life.

But perhaps she doesn't feel the same way.

She's also a chain smoker. Doesn't care that if she gets cancer it will ruin both our lives

OP she could get cancer irrespective of the smoking. Plenty of people sadly do.

Look, I do understand where you are coming from as the thought of losing my own mum absolutely scares the shit out of me, even though I am grown up with a family of my own, partly because I would then have responsibility for my two younger siblings (I adore them, but would still be a massive responsibility). But you have to accept that unfortunately these things are outside of your control. You can't keep her safe. Only she can do that (to an extent anyway, there's loads of stuff she can't control either).

I think you would be better off placing your energy into seeking help for your anxiety rather than trying to get your mother to be different. She won't be. YANBU to feel the way you do but it is unreasonable to try to make her live her life a different way.

Yes, I realise what you're saying.

Perhaps I'm just too angry and upset and worried right now to think straight.

But it's little things- she said she'd call from the phone booths there but I know she doesn't remember my number. And her cell phone battery would have died so she can't retrieve it from there. AND there is no chance she would have had the presence of mind to write my number down separately some where.

She had also taken a trip witn a person I warned her was disorganised. And sure enough, the delays so far have been because that person made a bullshit plan.

Yes, people get cancer no matter what. But smoking increases the risk.

So she should quit. But of course she won't.

I sympathise with you op, I worry about my parents who are a good distance away.
But 56 really isn't old, no doubt they'll be plenty of other much frailer pilgrims and be some sort of safety net for those who are struggling.
Let her have her adventure and bollock her when she gets back.

She's not old and she can do what she likes!
OP you're just being a brat.
And if you're that attached to your mother still then you should get some help. Do you have a partner?

She's four years older than I am. I thought you were going to say she was 82 or something.

Your mother is perfectly capable of organising this trip. Does it really matter if the beginning of the journey is utterly disorganised? It's part of the adventure. If she doesn't make it to the shrine, it doesn't matter either. These twists and turns can enrich a journey.

I would feel the same about the pilgrimage.

YABU about the smoking though, it's not that easy to quit, and she won't do it for you.

I hope you can work through your anxiety x

My mother did something like this. I was worried sick about her. She came back in terrible pain and needed medical treatment, but she was so happy that she had taken the spiritual journey that it was worth it to her.

This might just be something she feels she needs to do before she really can't do it.

Loads of people have life shortening things in their lives. Alcoholism, eating unhealthily, being obese, not excersising, stress.

56!! that is 8 years older than me. I thought you were going to say she is 85.

If my DD's started trying to control and limit my life I'd be very cross about it. But they wouldn't as they are only 4 & 8. See what us old ladies can do?

Yes YABVVVU.

All you can focus on is your anxiety and getting some control over that OP - I find listening to hypnotherapy relaxation style tracks every even really levels out my anxiety (and lots of other things too). Maybe not for you but there is lots you can do to help yourself feel more grounded and calm.

But she has strong will power and she's stubborn as hell...

I have one of those too, fun aren't they?!

It's obviously worrying for you but she has gone on her trip and there is nothing you can do about it and tbh, I'm not sure you should, it's pretty impressive that she's taking such a challenge on.

Having said that, am I right in hazarding a guess that you are at least partly concerned about how difficult it will be for you to pick up the pieces if it something does go awry? That's understandable when you've no other relatives to step in and even more so with the distance involved.

But once again, there is nothing you can do now. Have you got anything planned for the weekend to minimise the amount of time you spend fretting - good book, meeting friends, overtime, alcohol?!