AIBU to be raging with my mother over this?

[Nicebucket]

Mum and I are very close- the only family we have is each other, so I've always been insecure of losing her, something happening to her.

She lives in Asia, but we keep in regular contact.

Yesterday out of the blue she tells me she's going for this trip to a very dangerous place. I'm not religious at all, but my mother is. And this place has some sort of religious significance. It's also for tourism purposes, but the fact that this place is "holy" was the main driver.

It's in the mountains, in a place prone to landslides, casualties and dangerous weather.

The surrounding areas are prone to terrorist activity.

She could have taken a flight, but no, she's taken a 14 hour train journey instead because it's £50 cheaper. I offered to pay the bloody £50 which could have gotten her there in ONE HOUR INSTEAD.

reaching the "holy" shrine requires a TEN HOUR hike up the mountains. She's got osteoporosis and slip disks in her back and she's medically not supposed to do this. I've begged her to take a helicopter instead which I will pay for, I have no idea if she'll listen.

The queue to view the holiness, is apparently SIX to SIXTEEN hours.

The best part? There is no mobile phone network there. None.

So until Saturday evening I won't know whether she's ok or not, alive or not.

I was totally honest with her about the anxiety this would cause me, I requested her repeatedly not to go. At least not until she had better planned her trip. But she obviously doesn't give a fuck about either logic or what I feel.

"Raging"?
Yabu

Maybe I also don't get it because I am not religious. It's not about believing or not believing in God, it's about organised religion and the mass mentality that goes with it.

So she thinks God only hangs out in these special holy places in unsafe, terrorist prone areas? If she prays from the safety of her home, God won't think she tried hard enough and so he won't listen?

It's her choice, love, you will just have step back and let her get on with it.

I'm sure there have been times when she's done the same for you (eventually, after a lot of telling you how much you're traumatising her, if she's anything like my DM!)

So this is mainly about your dislike for organised religion? Or at least is adding to your rage?

AvaLeStrange-
No, it's not about picking up the pieces. It's about a genuine concern that something might happen to her.

Katenka- well, the reason she has given for risking her health and life is pretty illogical isn't it? Surely God is everywhere? And surely he/she isn't so horrible that he/she will only maybe listen to those who go through hellish journeys to get to a shrine? Why would God be like that?!

I think the rage is related to fear. You're frightened about losing your mum, and know that eventually, unless you die early, you will.

I think some counselling will help. You don't want your fear for her death to blight the next (hopefully) 30-odd years you have left together.

In the mean time - I accept this pilgrimage is dangerous. Do people often die / get injured there? But also - people die and get injured on motorways each day but you wouldn't be equally angry about her getting into a car.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all! My dad started doing spontaneous and dangerous things like this about a year or 2 before he was diagnosed with dementia.

Are you Asian? I think people from that area of the world tend to be more protective of their parents and don't really get the "you're an adult and can make your own decisions" thing tbh. I know personally, family plays a very big part in making decisions like this. Going off with limited notification would worry a lot of people. We had to stop my Dad from travelling a couple of times before he was diagnosed, and I'm glad we did.

I hope your mum is ok and gets back safely.

'So she thinks God only hangs out in these special holy places in unsafe, terrorist prone areas? If she prays from the safety of her home, God won't think she tried hard enough and so he won't listen?'

No, and that's not what pilgrimages are about, anyway. They are a journey, about an entire journey of spiritualism and expansion of beliefs, or feeling close to God, all kinds of things.

Plenty of people do journeys like this for non-religious reasons, too - they want to do the Inca trail to Maccu Piccu, climb a certain mountain, do the West Highland Way, participate in a hot air balloon festival, swim with dolphins, go whale watching.

It's about leaving your comfort zone and expanding your parameters.

No place is safe.

Please go see a doctor, this is not healthy at all.

'My dad started doing spontaneous and dangerous things like this about a year or 2 before he was diagnosed with dementia. '

My parents have been doing stuff like this for years. No dementia

I didn't mean to imply you weren't concerned first and foremost, just that I know from my own personal experience there is always that extra layer (for me anyway) of knowing where the buck will stop if it all goes tits up, which isn't fun from 8 miles down the road, let alone a long-haul flight away.

Fortunately my mum's strong willed streak tends to take the form of over-ambitious DIY projects rather than Lonely Planet style adventures.

Hope the next couple of days goes quickly for you anyway, and that you hear soon that she's safe and well (and not planning any more expeditions for a bit!)

YANBU to be concerned, but I think YABU to be angry with her about her own choices.

She had also taken a trip witn a person I warned her was disorganised. And sure enough, the delays so far have been because that person made a bullshit plan.

^^ Doesn't sound spontaneous as some planning been done and from this she seems to be going with someone else so isn't alone.

No idea about the danger - as I don't think OP is in a head space that can gauge danger accurately.

OP also seems to think the trip unnecessary thus all the risks associated with it or possibly any journey are unnecessary.

I plan to make unnecessary trips this age - for the experience as I'm not religious but have wanted to do one or two journeys for many years now.

Anxiety is horrible, Nicebucket - I know that. The 'what if...' scenarios go round and round in your head, getting worse and worse. You plan what you will do if one thing happens, and then you start fretting about the things that could go wrong with that plan - so you formulate more plans to cope with those things - and so it goes on and on, getting worse and worse, whilst you get more and more anxious.

This is not good for you. And, as I said earlier, you can't control what other people do, or expect them to change their lives to assuage your anxiety - but you CAN learn to change your reactions - and honestly, it will make your life happier if you do.

Remember this - all that worrying and anxiety will achieve is to rob you of peace of mind, and happiness today.

Believe me, I am not preaching this from the moral high ground - I waste too much of my life, and give away too much of my peace of mind, fretting about things I can't change. I have had Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and that has helped me to become more aware of what I am doing, and has taught me techniques to set aside the anxiety - I have had to learn that I can control my thoughts, how to recognise when I am letting my anxieties take over, and how to acknowledge those thoughts and then set them aside. I'm not perfect at it yet - far from it - but it has improved my quality of life immensely.

You're not being reasonable at all, and you also sound terribly dramatic ("the worst 48 hours of your life" - really?) about things: you may or may not have medical anxiety, but I second PP who have suggested that you put the energies you are devoting to "raging" about this into seeking help, whether that's for anxiety, over-dependence on/control issues with your mother, or general counselling to come to terms with the fact that every living thing dies at some stage.

Absolutely unbelievable you would seek to limit her (when she lives on another continent to boot) from doing something she would clearly find comfort in (a religious pilgrimage) because of its impact on you! It really isn't all about you, OP...

I know from my own personal experience there is always that extra layer (for me anyway) of knowing where the buck will stop if it all goes tits up, which isn't fun from 8 miles down the road, let alone a long-haul flight away.

I do have sympathy with this - though DH was hurt on his routine way into work so stuff can happen all the time. Doesn't seem to be the OP main concern though.

expat that may well be, but as close family members you can see a dramatic change in personality with something like dementia. Your parents may enjoy doing things like that and it's part of who they are. It wasn't a part of my Dad's personality though. .

Nicebucket I have major anxiety regarding my mother. Since 2010, someone in our family/friends have died every year. She is also the only adult family I have. I have a very young Dsis and that's it.
It sounds a little silly to some people, but for me, I really do struggle with being apart from her so I think you living so far away from your mum is admirable (to me!).
I am getting better at things though, but a few weeks ago, she got very ill and I very nearly called an ambulance for her because I honestly thought something awful was going to happen. She was fine - I managed to resolve the issue, but it's really put me on edge.

I understand the worry and stress it causes, but unfortunately, our parents are adults. I completely understand ALL your concerns though and I often think the way you do. Some of the things you wrote in your OP are things I can really relate too - I thought I was reading about myself in some of the things in your post!

My mum has always said to me "the way you worry about me, is the way I worry about you, because you are my child, but we are both adults. If I turned around and told you that you can't move away from me, you would be pretty annoyed, We have to let each other live our lives at some point."

I know it's hard, but you have to trust your mum to look after herself on this trip. Fingers crossed everything goes well for you and your mum.

Sending lots of love

Nice bucket she has to live her life. She's still young and hopefully has a lot of life to live. You can't expect her to sit in another country and only do things you approve of.. Try and focus on the positive things,she's not old, lots of people do this pilgrimage (from the sound of the queue sizes) so it can't be that bad..

My parents have done (individually) lots of crazy things and trips since their 50s. They're now mid 70s and have really enjoyed their lives.

Katenka- well, the reason she has given for risking her health and life is pretty illogical isn't it? Surely God is everywhere? And surely he/she isn't so horrible that he/she will only maybe listen to those who go through hellish journeys to get to a shrine? Why would God be like that?!

I agree with your stance on organised religion. I don't like organised religion.

However I respect other people's stance on it. Pilgrimages aren't about 'God won't listen if I don't go'.

I say that as someone who went to Lourdes. I don't like organised religion but went to help disabled people visiting and got a lot out of being there myself.

If someone I loved dearly was going to a terrorist-risky area, through a physically very demanding journey and without any way to contact her, I'd be worried sick too ... which can easily express itself as anger.

The sheer physical danger is deeply worrying. It's not like going to the Lake District!

Wishing her every luck and that she is home safe on saturday and that you can relax.

Maybe it would help a bit to cut back a bit on calling her selfish etc though. You may be frightened to your bones for her and therefore raging, but honestly calling her selfish and the trip brainless isn't going to help, only to wind up the tension.

ToastAndButterAndJam-

Thank you for your kind post.

I realise totally that I can't restrict her, but at the same time I can't control my anxiety and worry for her

You can learn to control your anxiety, though, Nicebucket. It's not easy, I know, but it can be done, and it will improve your life immeasurably.

You have had some horrible comments OP, you didn't deserve them.

You do have to back off and let your VERY YOUNG!!! mother lead her life and make her own choices.

You are allowed to feel anxious and fearful but you can take steps to alleviate that and you can decide not to tell your mother of your fears and let her enjoy her trip.

You obviously love your mum very much and I'm sure she feels the same.

but at the same time I can't control my anxiety and worry for her

You need to go to your GP so you can start working towards controlling your anxiety.

Yes it's natural to worry about people we love - but this is beyond that and you need to seek help - so you can stop your anxiety controlling your life.