AIBU to be raging with my mother over this?

[Nicebucket]

Mum and I are very close- the only family we have is each other, so I've always been insecure of losing her, something happening to her.

She lives in Asia, but we keep in regular contact.

Yesterday out of the blue she tells me she's going for this trip to a very dangerous place. I'm not religious at all, but my mother is. And this place has some sort of religious significance. It's also for tourism purposes, but the fact that this place is "holy" was the main driver.

It's in the mountains, in a place prone to landslides, casualties and dangerous weather.

The surrounding areas are prone to terrorist activity.

She could have taken a flight, but no, she's taken a 14 hour train journey instead because it's £50 cheaper. I offered to pay the bloody £50 which could have gotten her there in ONE HOUR INSTEAD.

reaching the "holy" shrine requires a TEN HOUR hike up the mountains. She's got osteoporosis and slip disks in her back and she's medically not supposed to do this. I've begged her to take a helicopter instead which I will pay for, I have no idea if she'll listen.

The queue to view the holiness, is apparently SIX to SIXTEEN hours.

The best part? There is no mobile phone network there. None.

So until Saturday evening I won't know whether she's ok or not, alive or not.

I was totally honest with her about the anxiety this would cause me, I requested her repeatedly not to go. At least not until she had better planned her trip. But she obviously doesn't give a fuck about either logic or what I feel.

because of the impact it will have on your overactive imagination

Seriously, I'm getting sick and tired of the way people with anxiety issues are constantly belittled on MN. You would not say that to someone with depression.

I wish anxiety was as simple as an 'overactive imagination'. Sadly, it isn't.

It's fine to be worried but she is an adult and she wants to do this trip. It's not about you, it's about her.

It's ok to tell her you're concerned but from what you've written it looks like it's verging on emotional blackmail.

So we all have assume any OP has anxiety issues? Plenty of us do, I do regarding my younger, surviving children. It's my problem, not theirs, and still doesn't change my opinion that this lady is an adult whose children are grown and is entitled to take whatever holiday she would like to do, and this sounds like it's not so much a holiday as a pilgrimage which she obviously finds very important to her faith so to be raging with her to the point of leaving an email and text messages like that are OTT.

I understand anxiety very well.

I don't expect my family to miss out because of it. As pp said its my issue and I can't let it impact everyone else or affect my relationship with them

'Seriously, I'm getting sick and tired of the way people with anxiety issues are constantly belittled on MN.'

Has the OP said she has anxiety disorder, or are you projecting?

I'm not saying her reactions aren't OTT and I'm not saying she is reasonable either (I said she WU upthread in fact), but I'm saying it's a pretty poor shot to tell someone to 'grow up' and 'get a grip' and that they just have an 'overactive' imagination when yes, they might have pretty severe anxiety issues.

It's not nice to feel totally invalidated. You can absolutely say she's BU (she is) but there's a way of doing it that doesn't have to make her feel crap.

And I would say the same to people with depression.

That while I can understand why they feel as they do, everyone around them can not stop living their own lives.

I assume she has anxiety issues as she said so in the first line of her post.

Even if she hadn't, I always think on these particular threads it's important to be sensitive in case the OP has an anxiety disorder. If that's projecting then, fine, I'm projecting, but I'd rather be kind.

I don't expect my family to miss out because of it. As pp said its my issue and I can't let it impact everyone else or affect my relationship with them

Ok, people are deliberately misinterpreting what I'm saying here.

1. I agree the OP is being unreasonable.
2. I agree her anxiety should not be stopping letting others live their own lives.
3. I agree her mother is a grown adult who can make her own choices.

What I don't agree with is the manner posters are using to tell her she is being unreasonable. That's all.

I do have some anxiety issues at the moment because I love her deeply and while it's totally her right to do so, I think she has made a stupid and terrible decision.

She's 56 years old and generally quite weak. Back problem, migraines and anemia. But she has strong will power and she's stubborn as hell, I have no doubt she'll do the hike. I am only concerned about the condition she will return in.

And yes, these will be some of the worst 48 hours of my life. You can only understand this if you grew up as emotionally dependent on your mum as I did and if you have anxiety like I do.

There is no chance of me ever apologising for being concerned about her and asking her to do the logical thing and not go for this pilgrimage or whatever you want to call it. If the situation was reversed she'd hit the roof. And she wouldn't apologise.

I don't feel sorry for requesting her to do the logical, same thing.

Tough shit, she's an adult.

Okay, you are morally superior, maybe, of course.

when on earth did I say that?

Look, have a bunfight if you want one but I'm not trying to be antagonistic here, I'm just saying there's a way of saying things to people that doesn't have to be mean.

I'm not even remotely morally superior. I just know how shit it is to have anxiety and I don't want to make someone feel worse about it.

Constantly belittled? Far from it, on MN, everyone is assumed to "have anxiety" as if worry alone was a medical condition.
It's belittling to actual sufferers to use it as a catch all term for people who fret, or who are controlling, or do have an overactive imagination.

OP is anxious, it doesn't mean she has a condition. Or maybe she does, but you don't know either way.

OP your mother is in her mid 50's, she is not elderly, or incompetent. Leave her alone to live her own life. You are vastly overinvested, and emotionally dependent.

You have to accept that she is going and support her in the decision. People are allowed to make unwise decisions. Part of loving someone unconditionally is allowing them to live how they want to, making their own decisions. Yes you'll be worried but I think your worry is disproportionate to the risk. How many people do this pilgrimage every day and how many die? I bet it's full of older (especially as she's not old at all) and frailer people.

56? Gosh I thought she was in her 80's or something!

if he cant take a risk or two t 56, when can she?

My M in law is 83, has just come back from 3 weeks somewhere up a Cypriot Mountain. Couldn't use a mobile phone however many times we show her- Did she ring even once? No, too Bloody tight!

Did we worry? of course we did. But at the end of the day, if she'd have popped her clogs while she was away, she was doing what SHE wanted.

She's only 56 , she still has a lot of living to do.

'There is no chance of me ever apologising for being concerned about her and asking her to do the logical thing and not go for this pilgrimage or whatever you want to call it. If the situation was reversed she'd hit the roof. And she wouldn't apologise.

I don't feel sorry for requesting her to do the logical, same thing.'

Okay.

'Am I being unreasonable?' MN: yes. OP: No, I'm not!

If your mother would react in this exact same way to you doing the same then it sounds like there is a very unhealthy dependency between you. How about treating each other with respect as the adults that you are, and stop this guilt tripping and emotional blackmail nonsense.

CottonFrock Fri 12-Feb-16 07:48:31
OP, you're not saying anything that parents of children on gap years haven't wanted to say, but usually suppress. You can't guilt-trip someone into not taking a trip just because you think it's too dangerous.

Yeah, I was thinking of some of the crazy shit I did on my Gap year.

I had a lot of fun though!

OP have you had any counselling or anything for your anxiety? It's no way to live. You can't control what your mother does or doesn't do - you need to find a way of working through this on your own

It's not nonsense - it's perfectly reasonable to be scared stiff that something will happen to your mum when she is off on a hike with those health issues. If she was fit and well you would be over reacting, but she isn't she is weak and suffering with slipped disks! It would be strange if you weren't worried and anxious about it.

I think she has made a stupid and terrible decision.

this is unreasonable behaviour

Good God, she's younger than me. She's a good decade off state pension age. This is the ideal time of life for her to do a few crazy things. Logically you should know she is almost certain to come back in one piece, if a bit tired, but in any case she feels she has to do it, logical or not. Of course you'll worry, that's right and proper, but having expressed your concerns it's then entirely her choice whether to take them on board. And yes, selfish, why not? We give up at least 18 years of our lives, bodies, time, money, career opportunities and all the rest of it for our children. To give up the whole rest of our lives and beliefs and holidays and excitement for them as well is a bit much to ask. Loving her is not enough if it means you want to preserve her in amber; let her live, even if it's risky.

I do hope that when she comes back and the fear dies down you are able to feel proud of what she has achieved, health problems and all. (And give her an earful next time she wants to stop you doing something you have your heart set on!)

56?? OK now yabvu I'm afraid. It's sad that you are feeling so upset though and I feel sorry about that; can you talk to anyone about this? I wonder if your mum also feels anxious that you are living so far away from her?