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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think someone should notice a wet child

52 replies

StrictlyMumDancing · 11/02/2016 21:46

Perfectly fine with being told IABU.

DD (5) has issues with day wetting, which we're trying to get looked into and we've been open with the school and asked them for suggestions to help. They are good in that they don't stop her going to the loo, will suggest she goes if she's showing signs of needing it, etc. Our biggest problem with DD is actually getting her to change out of wet clothes, which they're perfectly aware of. Also if she knows she can get away with not changing she won't bother.

But they never seem to notice that she's wet. I'm not even talking a small amount of wet. I'm talking sopping knickers and tights wet.

I know she's wetting that badly at least twice a day sometimes (due to her wearing pads normally so no pad and knickers beginning to dry up when I get her home), and I have no idea how they aren't seeing it let alone smelling it.

I appreciate there are 30+ other kids in the class, they're meant to be teaching and they can't hover over her, but WIBU to raise this as a concern with them?

OP posts:
x2boys · 11/02/2016 21:53

Not at all no doubt there will be lots of posters telling you ,yabu but no they should be dealing with it.

StarUtopia · 11/02/2016 21:56

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

Is this a medical issue? Is it actually on her records? (I mean as opposed to an off the record chit chat)

They absolutely should notice and I would be heartbroken if this were my daughter.

cansu · 11/02/2016 22:00

I think if it is this bad then you are going to have to ask them for a plan of how they are going to check on her. Maybe they should check her after break, at lunch and before home time? They should be picking up that she is wet but if there is no set schedule then they won't. If the teacher is at the front dealing with all the other 29 kids and your dd is trying to hide it then she won't notice. I think that it will have to be a named persons job to check on her if you are going to get anywhere with this. If your dd is reluctant to tell someone is it worth trying to reward her for telling an adult she needs help. Perhaps she needs a discrete way of doing this so she isn't embarrassed??

Osolea · 11/02/2016 22:05

Is she wearing dark navy or black skirts or trousers? It can be hard to see sometimes.

If your dd is reluctant to change, the staff could be asking her if she needs to change and if she's saying no and doesn't want to be helped, it makes things very difficult for them.

It's absolutely worth raising as a concern with the school, but I think the focus needs to be on how you get your dd to start taking responsibility for getting changed herself, and maybe there is something that you and the school together can say or do that will persuade her.

IoraRua · 11/02/2016 22:07

At that age I would be very surprised if she was hiding it successfully - at the very least other children would usually notice and go tell the teacher. They love telling tales!

BoGrainger · 11/02/2016 22:16

If she's reluctant to change her clothes what can the school to do? They can't force her. Do they tell you after school that she is wet? I would think that they would want to get her changed if possible if only so everything she sits on doesn't get wee on it! Other children don't want to put their hands on a wet carpet! Depending on the time of day it's perfectly possible for it to go unnoticed by an adult although usually another child might point it out. Are you sure it's not happening in the hustle and bustle of home time?

Original poster
StrictlyMumDancing · 11/02/2016 22:28

Thank you all.

We're trying to get her referred to an enuresis clinic although getting hold of the school nurse is proving impossible and there's a long wait for a GP appointment - half term is going to be spent phoning them for cancellation appts. So whilst its not recognised as a medical condition yet, it has been talked and written in her comms book about.

We've tried the reward thing, but it does no good. Rewards have never really been a tool that's worked with DD at all. She was dry yesterday and MIL promised her a special day out if she could either carry on staying dry or at least got changed if she had an accident - today was a multiple wet and no change day. She adores MIL so its not that btw!

She wears a light grey skirt, so it should be quite visible. We have noticed that the material they (multiple manufacturers) seem to be made with is fairly quick drying though so I do appreciate she may not look wet for long. This is something I have spoken to the school about but their answer is that the times they've realised she is wet is when she waddles. DD appears not to be uncomfortable wet anymore.

DD definitely says she isn't wet and doesn't need to change, even when you can see she's wet. And she knows she's lying about it too. The only time the pads are taken out is when they're sopping and she knows that means she needs a change. But she just removes them and stays in the remaining wet clothes. And often wets again in them because no one has picked up on what she's done so she knows she can get away with it.

I think I'll raise it with them properly tomorrow and ask them for their plan of action. I'm damned if I'm going to spend half term getting her to keep dry or changing herself only for her to revert again because no one at school notices her wet.

OP posts:
Original poster
StrictlyMumDancing · 11/02/2016 22:32

bo no, they've been completely shocked that I've discovered her completely wet at times. She will change if she's told to, but not off her own back. I also know, thanks to the pad removal, that its happening at least twice a day. Earlier in the year we thought it was hometime, but they claim they now send her to the loo before hometime. Given they haven't noticed her wet, I'm not so sure it is hometime when its happening. It could be on the last occasion but its definitely happening before then too.

OP posts:
julesnbump · 11/02/2016 22:40

i was having similar issues with my lg 5 and self referred to the incontinance clinic in my local hospital, might be worth having a look at your local health board website and see if they offer a similar service. Since seeing the nurse 6 months ago we've gone from 3/4 accidents a day to 2/3 a week. Hope you get it sorted I was so stressed with it all

julesnbump · 11/02/2016 22:42

Forgot to say that my lg's school have been great the teacher sends her before breaks and has also started a reward chart in school.

Claireshh · 11/02/2016 22:48

At the end of my son's first term at school last year I spoke to the teacher as he had only had two dry days. Literally every day he had come home with wet pants. The teacher had absolutely NO idea!

After I broached it they did remind him lots during the day but it didn't help. I took him to our GP and we got a referral. We used our private healthcare and our son was seen by a consultant a few days later. He was sent for an ultrasound. He was scanned when he said he was desperate for a wee. His bladder volume was 15cc! Absolutely tiny. He drank more water and they rescanned him and it was then 45cc. Still very small. He has been prescribed Oxybutyn. He has had less than five accidents since starting it. Literally made a difference after a few days. It will apparently strengthen his bladder which will then help it to grow.

Javabeansaintgeorge · 11/02/2016 22:52

you can't blame the teachers, shes doing a good job of hiding it. is she seein a doctor about this?

x2boys · 12/02/2016 07:08

the school could change her Bo you know with her being a small velnerable child who they have a duty of care for???

BoGrainger · 12/02/2016 07:30

What, hold her down and take her clothes off? I doubt it

x2boys · 12/02/2016 07:34

they have a duty of care my son goes to a special school most of his class are incontinent they manage, if a child has continence issues its uo to the school to deal with it otherwise leaving a small child wet and possibly dirty is neglect.

summerainbow · 12/02/2016 07:46

You need to take to Dr. All ways take to go school nurse has 1001 things to do.

Ditsy4 · 12/02/2016 07:47

Go and raise it as a concern in a polite manner. A class of 30 in Reception is a big class. How many people are working in there? You could ask the teacher if a TA can be assigned to check her and change if necessary.

Yes, Bo, we can change them!

I would wait until after half term or do it now and remind when the new half term starts.

Original poster
StrictlyMumDancing · 12/02/2016 07:53

x2boys I think that's whats niggling at me and DH, they know this is causing her rash issues yet they're still in dumb amazement she is wet at school.

Bo Again, DD is not refusing to change her clothes so that's not an issue. She's just not doing it off her own back. If they check her and tell her to change then she complies. The problem is, they don't seem to be able to see or smell it on her which I can't quite believe given the amount its happening.

Summer Enuresis is one of our school nurses specialities according to the information they gave us at the start of school. So as far as I can tell its in the 1001 they should be doing.

OP posts:
BoGrainger · 12/02/2016 07:53

Yes, we change them obviously! My point is that we can't force them to take their clothes off. And certainly wouldn't attempt to do so ourselves if they were not in agreement.

Griphook · 12/02/2016 07:55

If she's reluctant to get get changed are you available to come into the school to change her?
Does she tell you she is wet at home?

Griphook · 12/02/2016 07:56

Crossed post

Griphook · 12/02/2016 07:57

Have you previously spoken to your gp about it?

DarthMother · 12/02/2016 07:59

Have you got a health visitor? We got a referral to the incontinence nurse after our health visitor came out to see us and talk about the wetting issues. Might be worth checking out if you can book a visit.

Original poster
StrictlyMumDancing · 12/02/2016 08:21

I have only briefly spoken to the GP about it. Can't get an appt in the surgery until mid March. They did send a urine sample off for testing, which came back negative for UTI.

She's at school now so HVs round here won't deal with her. DS is still under HV so I may see if I can have a chat with one sneakily.

Local clinic doesn't appear to be self referral, but I'll call them anyway to see if I can get her in direct.

OP posts:
Curlywurly4 · 12/02/2016 08:29

Is the wetting a new thing or always been an issue?

You might be waiting forever for the school nurse, they are totally over worked and bogged down in child protection, which takes priority. The school nurses in my area cover 6 schools each so over 5000 + pupils. Your HV will probably be a better option and if she's under 5, she still there responsibility. The school nurses won't pick it up.

Poor thing, sounds horrible for her and I agree the should be supporting her more.