Should I tell DS off for punching someone and being excluded?

[HolsW]

I haven't and I'm wondering if IBU...

I have breast cancer, not very advanced and responding well to treatment.

DS was invited to a friend's birthday party, he is relatively new to the school and DS's group of friends took him under their wings. The problem was, it was at the same time that my chemo appointment was at (DS usually comes with me - he always wants to come, we play games and have a good laugh) I told him to go and I'll be fine, but he insisted he would rather be with me. He messaged the friend (I'll call him J) and got the response of 'K', DS thought it must just be the way he answers and he isn't mad (as 'K' normally means you are...?) anyway, DS goes into school the next day and thought nothing about not going to the party.

Forgot to say, DS is 12 (Yr 8)... J then goes up to DS and says "I hope your mum hurries up and dies, so you don't keep missing things you're invited to, it's rude" and he punched him right in the face.

DS then hurried to the toilets and phoned me in a massive frenzy (he never normally gets into trouble/does 'naughty' things at school) telling me how sorry he is and he didn't mean it, but he is going to be in lots of trouble, etc.

DS got a day exclusion and as soon as he got home, said he shouldn't have done it and he knew it was a bad choice, etc. so I figured he knew he did something wrong, he never gets into trouble at school, etc.

However, ExH (who he sees 3 times a week) says that I handled it wrong and he won't be doing anything fun when he has him/have any of his gadgets, etc.

So, WIBU?

or indeed punch her in the face?

Marnia no, that's different. He may grow up to be Gay, I hope he wouldn't punch his male PARTNER, it is different... Why does it have to be different for gender?

It's not that different - the bottom line is that he should not have responded with violence.

Iguana of course he shouldn't have responded with violence. Of course not.

But he's a preteen child who is scared that his Mum is dying. His friend who should have supported him stated that 'he hopes' the child's greatest fear will be realised because of a missed birthday.

He absolutely should not have hit him.

But we all understand, why in this highly stressful emotional situation, that he did.

It sounds from the OP that he was highly distressed and remorseful.

He's had enough punishment.

If I were the other boys parent I don't think I'd ever recover from the shame.

I totally agree with you. It would have been with a very heavy heart that they had to exclude him. And I can't think of a parent I have ever dealt with (and there have been some seriously unpleasant ones) that wouldn't have been mortified if their son had made that comment. And I also can't think many kids watching wouldn't have shunned him as well. I expect he has had a really hard time of it.