Should I tell DS off for punching someone and being excluded?

[HolsW]

I haven't and I'm wondering if IBU...

I have breast cancer, not very advanced and responding well to treatment.

DS was invited to a friend's birthday party, he is relatively new to the school and DS's group of friends took him under their wings. The problem was, it was at the same time that my chemo appointment was at (DS usually comes with me - he always wants to come, we play games and have a good laugh) I told him to go and I'll be fine, but he insisted he would rather be with me. He messaged the friend (I'll call him J) and got the response of 'K', DS thought it must just be the way he answers and he isn't mad (as 'K' normally means you are...?) anyway, DS goes into school the next day and thought nothing about not going to the party.

Forgot to say, DS is 12 (Yr 8)... J then goes up to DS and says "I hope your mum hurries up and dies, so you don't keep missing things you're invited to, it's rude" and he punched him right in the face.

DS then hurried to the toilets and phoned me in a massive frenzy (he never normally gets into trouble/does 'naughty' things at school) telling me how sorry he is and he didn't mean it, but he is going to be in lots of trouble, etc.

DS got a day exclusion and as soon as he got home, said he shouldn't have done it and he knew it was a bad choice, etc. so I figured he knew he did something wrong, he never gets into trouble at school, etc.

However, ExH (who he sees 3 times a week) says that I handled it wrong and he won't be doing anything fun when he has him/have any of his gadgets, etc.

So, WIBU?

I think you're right too. However, when your exDH has him at his, rather than only taking away his gadgets,choir exDH should spend some quality time chatting to him and discussing how he contain his anger etc. It was harsh of your ex to criticise you for not telling him off. Children can be so cruel and tbh, the other boy should have been punished for saying that. Did your DS exp,an to school what had been said to him?

Bless him no OP your right and your ex is wrong!

My DS hit a boy last week at school,he's 14 and he's autistic,the other boy had started on a friend of DS who is very quiet,he's a lovely lad and the other boy went upto him,put his face into his and started being horrible and pushing DS friend and said some disgusting things about the boys Mum.DS told him to stop it and to leave his friend alone,got him of his friend as he was trying to beat DS friend up.
Then the boy said the worst thing he could say to my DS, at least my Mum's not disabled,I am disabled and seriously ill and the boy knows this,DS told him he needed to get away from him now(because of what he said and he knew he was going to loose his temper)the boys respone was why because your Mum's a retard.

So my DS punched him in the face,he was put into exclusion for the day but we didn't tell him of.The boy that did it as been in trouble alot for the way he talks about other childrens mum's.The school contacted us and told us that the other boy was in trouble as well.Our son came home with strangulation marks around his neck as well from the same boy,the school forgot to mention that.My DH contacted the school straight away so now they've suspended the boy and are getting the Police involved.

Your ex husband needs to give your DS a break,he knows he shouldn't have hit the boy but it was exceptional circumstances.What the boy said to your son was disgusting.
I hope your well on the mend very soon and that you don't have much treatment left to go.

Marniasmum A real friend would understand that someone might be a bit "flaky" while dealing with something as stressful as a parent's illness. 12 is old enough to use empathy to imagine himself in the same situation and to understand how cruel it is to say he hopes someone's parent dies! Massive overreaction to someone missing a party! That boy is not a real friend and as such OP's friend is under no obligation to attend his events.

OP's son sorry

I'd be extremely cross with the school for excluding him, TBH. Stability and constants are probably the things he needs the most. Did they know why he punched the boy?

And your EX sounds like a right twat.

ohtheholidays I hope your ds is OK.
And to be really honest, I think he handled things VERY well!!

marn yes of course, because a 12yo really can't be asked to be compassionate enough to realise that in the OP's ds eyes, his mum was trumping a (new) friend.
And also a 12yo can't possibly be able to realise that the OP's ds is probably very worried about his mum receiving what is a life saving treatment. So him cancelling at the last minute HAS to be a very rude thing to do, rude enouh to say awful things such as 'I hope your mum dies so you can spend time with me instead of her'.

Riiight....

I'm also amazed to find myself agreeing with 'some people deserve a smack in the face'.

I would not say one word to my son about it, I would tell him how sorry I am that he had to hear such hateful words from a total dick.

However, if my son had said such a thing to someone whose mum had cancer I would be utterly, utterly ashamed and think I had failed as a parent.

Sorry you are going through it OP

I think it's more important to teach our children to 'filter' what we let get to us enough to react violently, than to 'punish'.

My DH dies of Cancer and it was used against my DD, by bullies, unfortunately she hit out. By around 14-15, she was handling things a lot better.

At the time, of the first incident, I was seriously ill in hospital and tbh, I underestimated how much that affected her.

It's a shame that your ex can't concentrate on getting your DS to open up. He's in the perfect position to do this.

He isn't directly involved (as such), so your DS wouldn't feel he was putting anymore pressure on him, by opening up.

I wouldn't punish him. He already feels bad. I would just talk to him about how he could react differently if that situation comes up again. I know things might be strained with your ex and technically he can handle discipline how he wants during his time but try talking to him about the stress your son is under and how you can both support him at this difficult time. Also talk to the school. Thinking of you. I'm glad to hear your treatment is going well

""I'm also amazed to find myself agreeing with 'some people deserve a smack in the face'.""

12 year olds can say stupid unthinking things, though.

The girls who were horrors to my DD are all completely sorry and different people now (19-22), they didn't deserve a possible facial disfigurement for being brats.

OP, I hope the school has discussed what he needs to do if something similar happens and what support he will get?

What a scummy wee scrote to say a thing like that!

I wouldnt punish either. School punished him, he knows how wrong it was. Be on watch that he may be targetted again by same boy or others who use your cancer to goad DS into reacting. DS needs to know he cant keep hitting. For the very simple fact that there will one day be a bigger boy or a few of them only too ready to jump on him as soon as he gives them reason to.

I think school have punished him enough.
I've had a similar incident and my son was put in isolation. When the school rang, I said how out of character it was and did they think it was connected to his sister's operation (major, months of rehab) and despite me writing to tell them about it etc. They had no idea, they didn't even know he was a young carer. They know now mind. So maybe now they'll be able to support your son if he needs any extra support, counselling or young carer support.

I hope you feel better soon x

OP I work with young carers, so if you and/or the school would like some ideas for support or links to useful websites, please do PM me.

Biffa's DH speaking here. I agree with HelpfulChap. I did do worse at school in Y8, as did most of the lads. A few punches and kicks quickly resolved situations and allowed people to move on. In my day it was just a fight and though you'd get punished (letter home/detention) you wouldn't get excluded. Boys have natural aggression at that age. How about some martial arts lessons to help him learn to control and channel his aggression? He's worried about you and your situation and has lashed out. Good luck to him (and you).

his reaction suggests he is struggling a little with your diagnosis im glad you didn't punish him more he is 12 and dealing with extreme fear everyone says they have caught it in time etc etc but he is still going to fear they have not and perhaps he doesn't believe it hence going with you to treatment

he is 12 ex dick should cut him some slack

I'm glad the threads moved away from the instinctual urge to protect DC by excluding them and pretending everything's fine. That works when 'grown up stuff' remains grown up stuff, but like it or not, children have to deal with some very difficult and sad stuff just by sheer bad family luck.

Preventing DS from attending appointments might be right for some children, but not your DS in your situation. I suspect it's comforting, reassuring and takes the fear of the unknown away.

I'm glad you'll carry on with those lovely days :)

I am ill (v ill) and well meaning whispers and lack of info turned my physiotherapy appointments into something very scary for DS, finally worked out that he thought I might never return.

Poor love, half listening in, half imagination filling in the rest. 3-4yrs old at the time and way too young for explanations and logic.

Seeing is believing. And I think that's true for children of all ages when it comes to health of their parents. It's scary stuff for them and as much as we want to, we can't shield them from it all, especially not their own fears, and being excluded would signal something bad happening.

To end my little story, I took DS to physio with me (after a hasty call with the Physio), who let him do exercises along side me, talking about these 'making mummy strong'. Then he suddenly snapped out of the 'little boy serious and subdued' thing he was doing, and went to play with all the equipment. Job done :)

Then I showed him the hydro pool and he was carried out screaming as he wanted to jump in. At home he then played at repeating the exercises and happily waved me off to appointments saying 'work hard mummy, do your listening ears! Make mummy strong' and the odd tantrum because I was a meanie and wouldn't let him go swimming at my appointments..,, everything normalised, understood and lots less worrying than when he was supposed to pretend he didn't know something was wrong to reassure the adults.

OP I think the schools punishment is enough. I feel for your ds and would have been very tempted to do the same thing in his shoes and I am a grown woman.

I certainly aren't advocated violence bur your ds was provoked in the most horrible way.

The fact that he knows it was wrong shows that at heart he is a good kid.

FWIW a friend of mine at school saw the red mist and thumped someone who has been bullying me for years. I was walking home when said bully was throwing rocks and pebbles at me calling me an ugly bitch. My friend just lost it.

The school punished my friend with suspension but the teacher laid the law down firmly with the bully. It happened less after that. Not advocating it but sometimes these things happen.

In fact, my 11 year old wouldn't be upset at all for a friend missing his birthday party. One did recently, with no notice and then the mother explained they had forgotten. I choose not to be bothered about it, and so has DS. They still enjoyed being together at another friend's party.

12 year olds really don't need to be upset at a friend missing a party, let alone being nasty to them

To be honest, if someone said that to me as a peaceful adult who knows it's wrong, I'd find it incredibly difficult not to punch them in the face... Your poor DS. He clearly knows he did the wrong thing, but he's had his punishment and needs no more.

I hope your treatment goes well, OP

I think you are being a positive role model to your son, I know so many people who are scared of hospitals and awkward about visiting sick people.

No one could think the other kid was being reasonable or anything other than bullying.
Best wishes for your treatment

99.999% of the time I would be on here saying come down on him like a ton of bricks, 12 is old enough to know better.

But this is that 0.001% of the time.

He knows he's done something wrong he's been punished.

In the words of Anna.........Let it go...........

I also agree that having him at your appointments, if he wants to be, is a good thing, it takes the 'unknown' aspect away from it.

I hope it was an effective punch, and really bloody hurt.

Is he getting a proper apology from this boy? He absolutely should. If I was that boys parent, i'd be mortified.

Really sorry you're both having to deal with this and I wish you all the best with your recovery.

I cannot condone a 12 yr old blurting out such an insult, regardless of how hurt is is because your DH couldn't make his party.

Something childish and mean could be understood but not hoping that his friend's mum dies? Appalling, do his parents know what he said?

It's not a normal reaction and I hope the school are dealing with this boy too.

It's never ok to hit and I loathe violence but I can't find it in myself to say he was entirely wrong, he has been punished enough.