Should I tell DS off for punching someone and being excluded?

[HolsW]

I haven't and I'm wondering if IBU...

I have breast cancer, not very advanced and responding well to treatment.

DS was invited to a friend's birthday party, he is relatively new to the school and DS's group of friends took him under their wings. The problem was, it was at the same time that my chemo appointment was at (DS usually comes with me - he always wants to come, we play games and have a good laugh) I told him to go and I'll be fine, but he insisted he would rather be with me. He messaged the friend (I'll call him J) and got the response of 'K', DS thought it must just be the way he answers and he isn't mad (as 'K' normally means you are...?) anyway, DS goes into school the next day and thought nothing about not going to the party.

Forgot to say, DS is 12 (Yr 8)... J then goes up to DS and says "I hope your mum hurries up and dies, so you don't keep missing things you're invited to, it's rude" and he punched him right in the face.

DS then hurried to the toilets and phoned me in a massive frenzy (he never normally gets into trouble/does 'naughty' things at school) telling me how sorry he is and he didn't mean it, but he is going to be in lots of trouble, etc.

DS got a day exclusion and as soon as he got home, said he shouldn't have done it and he knew it was a bad choice, etc. so I figured he knew he did something wrong, he never gets into trouble at school, etc.

However, ExH (who he sees 3 times a week) says that I handled it wrong and he won't be doing anything fun when he has him/have any of his gadgets, etc.

So, WIBU?

Hermione - thank you :) he is really sweet

Are you able to have any appointments during school hours and tell him it's taken care of?

Katenka - he didn't, he had school work to do :)

Well there you go. You did fine. Don't worry about it.

Honestly, if someone said that to me I would want to knock them out. I wouldn't. But that's mainly because I a competitive fighter and would get kicked out of my dojo, though. I have to keep my temper because I could hurt someone. It's part of my contract with the dojo. But I would be very tempted to and I am 32. Your son is fine. It wasn't ideal but understandable.

Iguana - I go at the same time, every week. So not at the moment, but when the dose/drug is changed, I will. I don't mean to sound rude (I'm just wondering!) what is the problem with him coming? :)

My ds is also 12 and in year 8 and "k" seems to mean " ok that's fine " etc, if the other boy had a problem then maybe more than "k" should have been sent.
I cannot believe a so called friend said this to your ds and I think he was somewhat justified as I'm pretty sure from what you say it's totally out of character, he was provoked.
I would not punish him, he's probably upset enough and sounds wonderful going with you to your treatments. 12 can be such a selfish age, he sounds wonderful!
Good luck to you op

There isn't a problem with him coming, imo.

There is an issue with him missing out on things though.

My best friend went through this. Her mum was my mums best friend and had cancer. My friend genuinely wanted to be there with her mum and didn't mind missing out. But it did end up with her missing out on so much it started impact friendships.

People didn't seek to exclude her. But there were things she missed that everyone else bonded over. She missed out on shared experiences. We stayed close as me and mum were supporting the family too.

She is now 32 and feels she missed out on a lot of teen experiences.

Your son may not ever feel like this but I can see posters concerns.

School probably have an automatic exclusion for violence policy which they had to stick to (and rightly so, as it is crystal clear then). It sounds like they're doing the minimum punishment though, and I don't think you need to punish more. Children can be so horrible sometimes, your son sounds lovely, and that punch was well - deserved, hopefully it was enough to make his 'friend' think twice about what comes out of his mouth. Obviously violence is not the answer etc, but at his age I'd have done the same. Wishing you both strength .

It sounds like your son has a lot to deal with and may be pretty stressed (well, obviously and with good reason) and maybe it all just built up and this boy's comment was the final straw, as it were.

I wouldn't be punishing him.

I hope your treatment is successful and you are back to good health quickly

Op, my ds came to a lot of my chemo and other appointments too.
It was his choice and his way of dealing with it.
People can't really know unless they've been through it but kids all react differently to a parent with cancer, I think it's important to let them self sooth at what is a scary time.

Oh gosh this takes me back to the most horrible year in virtually identical circumstances. Looking back every time I had a chemo session there was a behavioural incident at school. Please do not punish. Your ds is probably stressed enough by worries about you and as a result is behaving uncharacteristically. Your son at this time needs kindness, tolerance and understanding. Good luck in your treatment. The chemo is "yuk" to say the least but with luck it will sort the blasted thing once and for all and you will bounce back to good health and normality in a few months.

Regardless, they are not good friends (or people) if they wish his mother dead rather than ask how she is.
Your ex wants to punish him because he's not the one ill and the target of the comment.

As boys are concerned, they know he won't stand up for that type of verbal abuse and it will probably blow over soon.

Having said that, I'd encourage him to be with friends as much as possible rather than come with me, but I can see how he may feel more reassured by going with you and seeing how things go rather than wait while elsewhere.
He sounds lovely and a testament to you.

I'm sure a good talk and the school punishment are enough in this case.

What a cruel thing to say, I think that your DS has had his punishment with the exclusion and I don't think that he deserves to be punished any further.

I hope he manages to find some nicer friends, I would be truly heartbroken if a 'friend' said that to me

The school probably didn't want to exclude your ds but had to stick to policy.
I would be speaking to the parents of the boy as I'm sure that his version of events will be completely different to reality.
Some kids will say anything to avoid further punishment and it's often easier to say " he punched me for nothing "

Your son sounds very sweet.

I'm not sure he's 'missing out' on anything. By coming to your appointments he probably feels like he has a little control over a very scary situation and by seeing what goes on can understand it a bit better and takes comfort from that. The fear of the unknown is a horrible thing and this way he sees the reality and doesn't have thoughts mutliplying in his head. You're almost making it 'normal' and not frightening.

You sound like a lovely mother.

(And I wouldn't tell him off. The school have punished him as they probably should as they can't be seen to be making exceptions for violence but it can end there)

Def don't punish, for your treatment.

I had challenging personal life in teens, terribly naice girls school were AWFUL and constantly saying things like 'well you mustn't let your home life affect your school work' eh thanks. Moved schools to v strict mixed school where i was alternately MONSTROUS to teachers (in my view, just very cheeky etc) or found howling in the toilets, walked out of a lot of classes etc. They were truly amazing, once they'd had my parents in a couple of times they figured it all out, gave me so much support behind the scenes, cut me so much slack without highlighting things in front of classmates and managed to keep me on track enough to score vg a levels and go to top uni. I will be forever grateful to them and there are some teachers I would go down on my knees to thank, they were so very kind. I would def have a chat with the teachers if you can, this must be a very scary time for him as obviously he adores you. You sound like a lovely mum btw. I just nearly posted that as 'you sound like a lovely nun' which would have been a WHOLE other level of issues for him!

Do not speak to the parents, speak to the school and ask to see an account of the incident.

I rather think the school does not have to tell you what the other boy got.

It's true that schools operate a you hit you're to blame policy, and it's a good thing, because of its clarity.

Back in the day a boy in my class, ordinary, decent kid was called nigger by another (white) boy. Quite apart from the insult, the white boy had form for baiting and bullying. A fight ensued in class.

I walked over to separate them at a slow enough pace to let the black boy get a few punches in, but fast enough to preserve the rules. And for the white boy to see my utter lack of sympathy for the thumps he got. Interestingly all the other boys piled in to separate them, too.

Your DS was punished for his understandable incorrect reaction to another pupil. He knows he's wrong and the school delay with it in line with their policy.

So I'd say that nothing more needs to be said by you.

Also note that the school have pointed him in the direction of support. This is something they should do after an incident. They should out in measures to prevent a repeat.

I'd also say by the reintegration meeting that the school totally understand why your DS reacted the way he did are sympathetic to your sons reaction and understanding of the reasons why.

Op, I'm not long finished my main treatments for bc. I've had 8 surgeries, 18mths of chemo, and 5 weeks of daily radiation. It has really take its toll on my 4 dcs.

Children can be really cruel, with and without meaning it. While at my eldest dcs (11 at the time) sports carnival, one of his friends approached me and said "you've got cancer haven't you?" (I was bald as a coot, so tricky to hide), I replied "yes", he said, "that must be really hard", I said, "yes, it is at times but I'm getting there". Then he said "yeah, like I said to DS, cancer's a bitch, it'll always come back to bite you on the ass!"

I just sat with my mouth gaping like a fish!! And he wandered off.

It suddenly fell into context why my next eldest dc had been telling me that my eldest had been arguing and having aggro with this dc which I had just put down to differences in personality. I had checked with the school, and they hadn't noticed any problems so I'd let it go. I now feel bad that if ds had lamped thus kid, is probably have punished him, not realising that this child had been making weird slightly snide remarks about my illness (which it later transgressed he had been, regularly, but ds didn't tell me so as not to upset me).

In short, I think you dealt with it well. I have since sought counselling for my elder dcs and I feel it's really helped.

Good luck with your treatment op, you have my full sympathy. xx

WhereTheFuck - I'm really glad your treatment is finished and thank you

OP your child sounds very sweet and caring. He knew immediately he should not have hit the other boy despite severe provocation.

The school has dealt with it so your exH should stay out of it. Planning to punish your son by removing his gadgets and not doing anything "fun" is overkill. for you. for your son.

Just as an aside... I hope the Head Of Year didn't mean it literally when he mentioned "seeing someone he didn't know". You son really should be quite high up on his list of kids to look out for, given your circumstances. (Assuming they know your circumstances?)

Hopefully he just meant "I wouldn't expect to see him here".

I agree with everyone else. Your ds was provoked at an extremely stressful time. I wouldn't have punished him, no. I'd have given him a massive cuddle and talked calmly about how to deal with hurtful comments better in the future. Your son sounds lovely op and I wish you both well.

Thank you HolsW!

Incidentally, I agree that your ex shouldn't punish, but I can understand that you have no control over this, and probably not much strength to fight him about it just now.

Could ds be 'ill' and need to stay with you until it blows over and your ex won't punish him for it?

Your poor son, I don't think he'll ever forget that. He's been punished, he knows he did wrong, time to move on. All the best to you too.

honeysuckle - well, his HoY didn't know his name and said "oh, it's the first time I've heard of you X" and yes, his form tutor knows my situation. Honestly, I've never spoken to his HoY to explain