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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I tell DS off for punching someone and being excluded?

130 replies

HolsW · 10/02/2016 06:24

I haven't and I'm wondering if IBU...

I have breast cancer, not very advanced and responding well to treatment.

DS was invited to a friend's birthday party, he is relatively new to the school and DS's group of friends took him under their wings. The problem was, it was at the same time that my chemo appointment was at (DS usually comes with me - he always wants to come, we play games and have a good laugh) I told him to go and I'll be fine, but he insisted he would rather be with me. He messaged the friend (I'll call him J) and got the response of 'K', DS thought it must just be the way he answers and he isn't mad (as 'K' normally means you are...?) anyway, DS goes into school the next day and thought nothing about not going to the party.

Forgot to say, DS is 12 (Yr 8)... J then goes up to DS and says "I hope your mum hurries up and dies, so you don't keep missing things you're invited to, it's rude" and he punched him right in the face.

DS then hurried to the toilets and phoned me in a massive frenzy (he never normally gets into trouble/does 'naughty' things at school) telling me how sorry he is and he didn't mean it, but he is going to be in lots of trouble, etc.

DS got a day exclusion and as soon as he got home, said he shouldn't have done it and he knew it was a bad choice, etc. so I figured he knew he did something wrong, he never gets into trouble at school, etc.

However, ExH (who he sees 3 times a week) says that I handled it wrong and he won't be doing anything fun when he has him/have any of his gadgets, etc.

So, WIBU?

OP posts:

honeysucklejasmine · 10/02/2016 08:07

The HoY really should know who he is. Their job is pastoral support, not just telling off naughty kids. A form tutor is a very small pastoral role, anything major should be dealt with by HoY who gets a reduced timetable and extra money for the responsibility.

Please do follow up making sure your son is offered support from the various services that come in to school. Ideally he should also have a place he can "escape to", no questions asked, should be become overwhelmed during the day.

It sounds like he's coping very well so far, which really is a credit to your relationship.

Katenka · 10/02/2016 08:09

Just been thinking about this op.

Dh once lost his temper and hit somebody at school. Similar circumstances. He was like your son , very caring and never in trouble.

It still bothers him now (he is 42) and really regrets it. It taught him to keep his temper in check at an early age.

In 16 years I have heard him shout twice.

It was the making of dh. He has never done anything similar since. While he is ashamed, he is kind of glad it happened.

Katenka · 10/02/2016 08:11

I don't think dds head of year would know her.

Our school has a learning manager per year for pastoral care. Head of year deals with issues relating to education. So if dd is behind or misbehaving, or not doing homework or we had education concerns it would be HOY. So far we haven't had any of that.

Original poster

HolsW · 10/02/2016 08:13

Katenka - his year 7 HoY knew his name, he had a week off when I was first diagnosed, so the KS3 pastoral also 'knows' him, but would need reminding of his name, IYSWIM

OP posts:

AlwaysHopeful1 · 10/02/2016 08:14

I have to say I think in this case, that other child deserved that punch. Your poor ds even having to hear that
He doesn't need punishment, he's going through enough. He sounds like a lovely boy.

Gatehouse77 · 10/02/2016 08:16

Under the circumstances I wouldn't be going for an all out bollocking but I would be having a discussion about how to control your temper, other strategies that he could use and expressing disappointment that he used violence.

You know your son better than any of us and if you think it's a one-off then draw a line and move on.

Theendispie · 10/02/2016 08:17

I think this is one incidence where someone got a hit and it was deserved, so don't punish him.

My friend was diagnosed last year with breast cancer, we had mammograms in the same week as both called for first time. She has made a really good recovery and is now back at work. We are younger than the usual age but they were doing some sort of research in the area we live in and expanded the age range for the mammograms.

You are raising a very excellent young man there.

Best wishes for your recovery

Katenka · 10/02/2016 08:18

his year 7 HoY knew his name, he had a week off when I was first diagnosed, so the KS3 pastoral also 'knows' him, but would need reminding of his name, IYSWIM

Sorry I was responding to the poster who said Hoy should know his name. I was saying I think it depends on the set up of the school.

Original poster

HolsW · 10/02/2016 08:19

I was just saying in general, adding to your first bit about knowing him :)

Thank you to the people saying about how lovely my little guy is

OP posts:

Blu · 10/02/2016 08:20

I would tell him I understand why he did it , how sorry you are that someone said something so horrible to him.
And get him to think through 'use your words'. I. E equip him to have some assertive verbal responses at the front of his mind.

I wouldn't bang on about why it was the wrong thing to do, he knows that. Just help him for the future. And he doesn't have to adopt a 'turn the other cheek' meekness either.

I bet no one will mess with him again !

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/02/2016 08:24

I think you're right. Your poor son, what an utterly foul thing for J to have said to him, I sincerely hope he's been made to regret his appalling insensitivity. I entirely understand why he reacted the way he did.

I do, however, agree that him punching J, while understandable, was more worthy of exclusion than what J said to him, so I think the school have dealt with it appropriately from that point of view.

But definitely no further punishment required - what on earth for? For standing up for you and reacting emotionally when someone wished his mother would die? I can't believe your exH thinks it's appropriate to continue to punish him, how horrible :(

I really hope you can talk some sense into your exH (but doubt it, since the vast majority of exes on here seem to be completely lacking in any kind of sense or compassion!) because I think your son has been upset enough.

Hope your treatment is successful and you make a full recovery

Original poster

HolsW · 10/02/2016 08:28

Thumb - honestly, I would have liked to have seen the other boy get an exclusion... At least an internal one (hoping that's what he got) because that's what you get for racism, etc.

My Ex isn't exactly reasonable, you're right! DS would rather not go to his, but Ex insists and it's his right, bla, bla... Plus, I want DS to have some normality!

OP posts:

StormyBlue · 10/02/2016 08:34

Punishing for this feels like placing blind, unwavering commitment to rules above all empathy and common sense to me, I'm feeling a bit mad to hear that your ex wants to punish his son for this. (I get why the school has to do it, though).

Glad your treatment is going well!

HolgerDanske · 10/02/2016 08:34

No, I wouldn't punish him. Sometimes in life you have to stand up for yourself and ok, he didn't pick the best way of doing it but wtf what a horrible thing for a 'friend' to say. He's had his punishment and that's enough. And he should never speak to that nasty person again, he's better than that.

for you, and for your son.

Borninthe60s · 10/02/2016 08:55

Poor boy totally understandable.

Can you look at counselling for him as it sounds like he's flipped because he's very worried/stressed. If he's got someone to talk to about your cancer it may help him control his feelings.

3WiseWomen · 10/02/2016 09:11

I can only add the long list of YANBU.

And yes I would hope that the child would get an exclusion too. The comment was an utter disgrace and should be treated as such!

I suspect though that your ds will learn what sort of punishment the boy had when he is fully back at school.

I would also encourage him to find other friends. Because with friends like this, yu really don't need any ennemies. :(

OhShutUpThomas · 10/02/2016 09:13

No I wouldn't tell him off.

Sometimes, some people just need a smack in the face.

middlings · 10/02/2016 09:21

Sometimes, some people just need a smack in the face.

I never, ever thought I'd say this but I agree with that.

I wouldn't have told him off either. He clearly understands what he did was wrong (which it was, despite my agreement with the above).

Good luck to you and your family OP. Wishing you well for a speedy recovery

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 10/02/2016 09:21

You should give him a medal.

Marniasmum · 10/02/2016 09:24

What the boy said was extremely unkind although not entirely unprovoked, You seem to be neglecting to understand that The other boy was probably upset that your DS blew him out at the last minute on his birthday,for reasons which he would have been aware of earlier.The 'K' was just an acknowledgment of receiving the text, I wouldn't have taken it to mean 'that's fine.In fact a bare 'k' without a ' don't worry, that's fine', would have indicated to me that he definitely wasn't ok with it
Of course what the boy said was very cruel but it sounds as though he was upset himself.Then of course your DS shouldn't have hit him but he has been punished for that.maybe you need to have a word with your DS about how it isn't important not to flake out on people especially on important occasions like birthdays.

liinyo · 10/02/2016 09:27

I don't think you need to do any more punishing. He knows it was wrong, however I don't think you can interfere with what your Exhusband decides to do. Your son spends a lot of time with him and he is as entitled to make parenting decisions as you are. Your son (who sounds like a wonderful boy) presumably already knows you and your ex do/see things differently and has different relationships with each of you. This different approach to the situation is all part of the process of separation and living in two households.

All best wishes for the future to you and your son.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 10/02/2016 09:29

I came on here expecting to say yabu as I couldn't think of any reason why you shouldn't punish your son. I was wrong. What a nasty little shit the other kid is. I don't condone violence but...

RufusTheReindeer · 10/02/2016 09:33

I wouldnt tell him off

I dont agree with violence (obviously...stupid comment really) but if one of my children lamped someone i would assume they had a bloody good reason

As others have said a little chat about why its not the greatest idea to thump someone may be in order...but only so he doesnt get into trouble again

He sounds lovely

goodnightdarthvader1 · 10/02/2016 09:34

Wow. Having read the title I was coming on here to say "Of course you should, are you mad?!!!" but the little shit deserved it.

Hope you get better soon, OP

RufusTheReindeer · 10/02/2016 09:37

I do agree with marn as well (a bit)

The other boy was bang out of order but probably very upset

And you should leave your ex to it, different parenting although it is a shame to punish him further

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