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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly annoyed that DD was left stranded at school

256 replies

GuiltyPleasure · 09/02/2016 22:02

DD is 15. She attends her local school which is about 8 miles from where we live. School is about 2 miles from the town, where there are very infrequent transport links to our village, but in the car it's only about a 20 minute journey. (Need to set context so as not to drip feed). Today DD was with 4 friends at lunchtime, they were all looking at their phones.. See teacher approaching, group put phones away. Teacher sees them & confiscates DD's phone, but no-one else's (DD says this is because teacher knows her because she's in his teaching group, but doesn't know the others, not sure I entirely believe her version of events) & told her to collect from the main office at end of school. 5 minutes before end of lesson another child was given permission to leave early to return a borrowed school tie to the office. DD asks if she can leave early to go to the office as well & told no. DD goes to office at end of school to get phone, knowing she has 10 mins till the school bus leaves. Office staff tell her the phone isn't here it's in x room. DD goes to x room, told to go to y room. Staff in y room tell her to wait a couple of minutes. DD tells them she needs to catch the bus so please could she get her phone back. Buses pick up a couple of minutes walk from main school building. By this time the bus had already left. Staff didn't offer any assistance. There is no other way for her to get home given our/school location. Very distressed DD rings me, so I have to leave work early 40mins away to collect her. I want to be clear I have no issue whatsoever with the phone being confiscated. She broke the rules & faced the consequences of that, but DD told staff on several occasions that she was time limited because she had to catch the school bus & by the time she left they knew she had missed it. AIBU to speak to the school to say I'm unhappy about this? I'm sure the confiscation was in theory the lightest form of punishment, but I'd rather they'd given her a break/lunchtime detention, which is the normal punishment for "minor" infractions of the school rules.?

OP posts:
timeKeepingOnMars · 10/02/2016 11:08

It is a different world from when children walked miles to school - they knew what they were doing, they knew the route, they knew the people they passed - and the community knew them.

No - I knew the route because the bus took it twice a day.

I didn't know the community I walked through at all- and for some parts of it it was deserted rural roads other very busy traffic.

My parents couldn't drop and pick up and besides I had no way of telling them I'd missed the bus as didn't have mobile phone - as I'd have to walk half way home before got near a phone and had to have change on me. No way would the school let you phone from their office.

I don't think it was more safe to walk the streets 20 years ago than now - I think parental perceptions have shifted.

Beside she had her phone on her - it's how she called the OP for a lift.

Original poster
GuiltyPleasure · 10/02/2016 11:21

Yes cuntinghomicidalcardigan it probably is the same school Smile
To answer some other posters - the phone was being used at lunchtime not in lesson, but this is still against the rules as they're not supposed to use them at all.
I'm unsure why only DD had her phone confiscated and her friends didn't. They were probably just quicker to put theirs away?
As several posters have pointed out, I could at least made her walk into town to wait for me. The walk might have given her time to reflect on her decision making! But that's my fault as when she phoned me I agreed to pick her up from school.
The school like many others has gone down the cashless catering route & as she has a bus pass she doesn't generally need any money with her, but I made sure this morning (& will continue to do from now on) that she had money on her Smile

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 10/02/2016 11:33

I'd simply tell her that next time she has to make her own way home. All 8 miles of it, on foot if needs be. She'll be on the bus without her phone then.

diddl · 10/02/2016 12:09

It's tricky, isn't it?

I can quite see how she got caught up in wandering from one place to another.

When it wasn't at the office, I guess that that was the time to leave.

Does the school have a duty to hand confiscated stuff back quickly & easily at the end of the day?

Does it also become their responsibility to keep safe once confiscated?

mareseatoatsanddoeseatoats · 10/02/2016 12:16

I have to say those of you saying she could walk obviously don't live rurally. Not every road has pavements... Lots of the roads around me are national speed limit so upto 60 miles an hour, no pavements and very bendy. Totally unsuitable for anyone to walk along.

5608Carrie · 10/02/2016 12:23

Guilty I have always gone with the idea that if your children make a mistake and get it wrong, even at 15 that you help them out with some advice around what to do differently the next time. If they continue to repeat the same mistake then you get tougher. I think you got it exactly right. The school should have at least checked how she was getting home.

Those who would make a child walk eight miles for a silly mistake immature decision are very harsh parents.

5608Carrie · 10/02/2016 12:24

and Yes Yes to what Mare says too

ZiggyFartdust · 10/02/2016 12:53

I'm still not seeing how anyone was left stranded anywhere.
She chose not to go for the bus in time, and her mother came to pick her up. Nobody was stranded anywhere, no-one had to walk anywhere.
Where's the beef? That OP chose to pick up her own kid from school? Confused

FinallyHere · 10/02/2016 13:05

I understand that the DD in the OP has read this thread. I would love to know what the DD thought she had learned from the experience and what she might do differently in future.

Fascinating reading, really enjoy the range of opinions.

timeKeepingOnMars · 10/02/2016 13:12

Those who would make a child walk eight miles for a silly mistake immature decision are very harsh parents.

Eight would be pushing it but 40 min two mile walk to town then a wait or a bus or convenient to OP lift - would IMO be reasonable.

Though I will admit the rural parts I walked did have mostly a pavement - only short bit with none and a grass verge was there - though no lighting which in winter with earlier darkness wasn't fun made us all very keen to get the bus.

whois · 10/02/2016 13:18

Those who would make a child walk eight miles for a silly mistake immature decision are very harsh parents.

Two miles, into town to sit in a McDonald's or a cafe and wait for mum to finish work = yes.

8 miles? Really?? Would parents really tell their kid to walk home 8 miles in this situation??

timeKeepingOnMars · 10/02/2016 13:24

8 miles would be over 2 half hours wouldn't it - over increasingly rural unsuitable train by the sound of it.

I think hour - hour and half and okay route - would be my absolute limit so 3-4 miles at most.

So no I don't think many parents would ask them to walk the full eight miles TBH.

ZiggyFartdust · 10/02/2016 13:24

No-one on here would make a child walk 8 miles on country roads with school bags etc. Not a one.

But since nobody had to walk anywhere, its all hyperbolic hypotheticals anyway.

timeKeepingOnMars · 10/02/2016 13:24

not train terrain

Marniasmum · 10/02/2016 13:36

I think townies fail to understand how scary 'missing the bus' is when it is your only means of getting home.
At my DCs school all students know if they miss their school bus or their lift doesn't turn up, they are to go back into school.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 10/02/2016 15:03

Would parents really tell their kid to walk home 8 miles in this situation??

I said that if it happened again for want of leaving her phone in school hands overnight, that I would.

But now that I've read today's headlines about little Milly Dowler I'd probably try to leave work early and give my dozy teenager a good bollocking and confiscate the phone for a week instead. That poor, poor child.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 10/02/2016 15:06

And I'm a former rural type who spent her formative teenage years regularly jumping into grass margins and ditches on dark rural roads to avoid being run over, but granted usually in slightly tiddly company at deeply unsocial hours.

teatowel · 10/02/2016 15:20

I have to lock my phone away for the 6 hours I'm in work and would be disciplined if I got it out. Children are not being treated any differently from many adults when they are told not to get their phones out in school. The children in this rural area walk 2 miles to school and back from year 5 ish. At 16 they have to travel on a bus and change twice on a train to get to 6th form college. It is important that they start to think for themselves and sort out their own problems at secondary school.

5608Carrie · 10/02/2016 15:37

Very sad story about kids walking to school on rural roads www.itv.com/news/2014-11-11/boy-8-dies-after-being-hit-by-car-on-morning-school-run/

Namechange02 · 10/02/2016 15:50

Gosh lots of harsh posts on here. I'm always surprised when people say a 13/15 year old can walk miles on their own, yet they'd be telling neighbours to call social services if a 11year old is left at home on their own for 5 minutes. I'm a bit perplexed as to when the magic moment when you leave a kid to get on with it comes along. I also find it amazing how many perfect people there are on MN - is being so perfect hard work?

Presumably she needs her phone for the journey home so if there are any problems she can call you. So she's not going to leave school without it?

As for the two miles, it only takes half an hour to walk that distance but is it a safe route? Does she have loads to carry? Many schools don't have cloakrooms or lockers (my son doesn't have a locker). Lots of roads don't have pavements, and even if they do, are not particularly nice and may be quite lonely. Having heard horrible stuff about Millie Dowler today I probably would say something to the school.

I think she knows how to behave next time, but on the other hand, I do think the school should ensure that teenage girls get away from school in time for their bus. But in my son's school the OP would have to collect the phone anyway as parents have to collect them.

Namechange02 · 10/02/2016 15:51

Where's the beef? That OP chose to pick up her own kid from school?
And I suppose the point is the OP could pick up her child. But she might be in a job where she couldn't and the school does have a duty of care towards its pupils. Yes even 15 year olds. Perhaps ESPECIALLY 15 year olds!

cuntycowfacemonkey · 10/02/2016 15:57

I would have picked her up too. But I would also give her a bollocking for a)getting her phone confiscated and b)missing the bus trying to get it back.

I would not call the school to complain given that she got her phone back and was able to call you so was not stranded at all. If she had missed the bus AND not got her phone back then yes I would have expected the school to contact you and ensure she could get home safely

kali110 · 10/02/2016 16:13

RudeElf i know the way on the bus, i wouldn't know if i had to walk.
Not everybody is able to, again know/follow directions. Some people have this problem.

ZiggyFartdust · 10/02/2016 16:14

She might have been a lot of things, but she wasn't, so again, what is the point of the post?
It says in the title "DD was left stranded at school". Except she wasn't.

timeKeepingOnMars · 10/02/2016 16:18

RudeElf i know the way on the bus, i wouldn't know if i had to walk.
Not everybody is able to, again know/follow directions. Some people have this problem.

OP as well as making sure your DD has some money on her for buses/pay phone in future - maybe make sure her phone has a map app on it just in case.

I find mine incredible useful for getting about unknown or not completely sure of but vaguely know places.