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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly annoyed that DD was left stranded at school

256 replies

GuiltyPleasure · 09/02/2016 22:02

DD is 15. She attends her local school which is about 8 miles from where we live. School is about 2 miles from the town, where there are very infrequent transport links to our village, but in the car it's only about a 20 minute journey. (Need to set context so as not to drip feed). Today DD was with 4 friends at lunchtime, they were all looking at their phones.. See teacher approaching, group put phones away. Teacher sees them & confiscates DD's phone, but no-one else's (DD says this is because teacher knows her because she's in his teaching group, but doesn't know the others, not sure I entirely believe her version of events) & told her to collect from the main office at end of school. 5 minutes before end of lesson another child was given permission to leave early to return a borrowed school tie to the office. DD asks if she can leave early to go to the office as well & told no. DD goes to office at end of school to get phone, knowing she has 10 mins till the school bus leaves. Office staff tell her the phone isn't here it's in x room. DD goes to x room, told to go to y room. Staff in y room tell her to wait a couple of minutes. DD tells them she needs to catch the bus so please could she get her phone back. Buses pick up a couple of minutes walk from main school building. By this time the bus had already left. Staff didn't offer any assistance. There is no other way for her to get home given our/school location. Very distressed DD rings me, so I have to leave work early 40mins away to collect her. I want to be clear I have no issue whatsoever with the phone being confiscated. She broke the rules & faced the consequences of that, but DD told staff on several occasions that she was time limited because she had to catch the school bus & by the time she left they knew she had missed it. AIBU to speak to the school to say I'm unhappy about this? I'm sure the confiscation was in theory the lightest form of punishment, but I'd rather they'd given her a break/lunchtime detention, which is the normal punishment for "minor" infractions of the school rules.?

OP posts:
fastdaytears · 10/02/2016 19:48

I think townies fail to understand how scary 'missing the bus' is when it is your only means of getting home

Not at townie, but I don't understand why if it was so scary to miss the bus anyone would prioritise getting their phone back rather than catching it.

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/02/2016 19:53

ollieplimsoles
I would not have given a teacher my phone at that age, if they argued, I would tell them to get in touch with my parents, who would take care of it from there.

When were you a pupil? Because you have no idea how fast attitude will escalate you up the sanctions ladder.

Lightbulbon · 10/02/2016 20:04

This thread should be read alongside the 'special snowflake Uni students' thread.

My younger teen has had similar lapses of judgement and missed the bus/lost bus money etc.

He either walks 3 miles to someone who will give him a lift or waits a couple of hours to be picked up.

It's no great hardship.

RudeElf · 10/02/2016 20:07

Surely whether you're a townie or a (what is the word for not a townie?) if you miss the bus home you are in school. That familiar place you spend most of your days with trusted adults and lights and warmth and phones and internet.

Why on earth is that scary? Confused

RudeElf · 10/02/2016 20:08

Fwiw i grew up in the countryside. Walk home from bus stop was 2.5 miles on country roads.

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/02/2016 22:11

i think punishment was harsh as was lunchtime, if was in a lesson then fair enough

so the school says no mobile phones then, at all?

i would be asking the teacher why he didnt take away all phones from her friends as well

wouldnt have killed her to walk the 2 miles but also she could have waited for you at school rather then get you to leave work early

Original poster
GuiltyPleasure · 10/02/2016 22:22

An earlier poster asked what DD's thoughts were on the thread. We've discussed the different opinions & she's fully aware of the different options she could've taken. She's very grateful that I was able to leave work to collect her, but knows that might not always be possible, so in future would stay at school until she could be collected, walk into town to wait or try & go to a friend's house near to school or not get caught with her phone in the first place! She knows the easiest solution was to have left the phone at school & caught the bus, but in honesty she wouldn't have left it- she's 15 & rightly or wrongly I understand why at the time she prioritised this over the inevitable consequences.
DD is not a special snowflake. She's usually quite capable of sorting things for herself, but she's 15, she panicked & got upset when she realised she'd missed the bus. Her first thought was to ring me & I won't criticise her for that. I'm a parent, she's a child. If anything I'm at fault for offering her an easy solution to the problem.
To the poster that said my OP indicated a crisis that wasn't there, I agree, on reflection- of course she wasn't completely stranded, but I posted what I felt at the time & I've enjoyed the experiences & opinions of others & at least it sparked a debate.?Thanks all . Flowers all round and for me Wine

OP posts:
ZiggyFartdust · 10/02/2016 22:22

I think townies fail to understand how scary 'missing the bus' is when it is your only means of getting home

EXCEPT IT WASN'T HER ONLY MEANS OF GETTING HOME. SHE KNEW HER MA WOULD COME FOR HER, WHICH IS WHY SHE CHOSE NOT TO GET THE BUS.
Honestly, this thread is ridiculous.

Original poster
GuiltyPleasure · 10/02/2016 22:29

Ziggy x-posted ^^ I' have acknowledged your opinion & reflected accordingly Smile

OP posts:
ZiggyFartdust · 10/02/2016 22:38

x-post. I'd be worried about letting your DD anywhere on her own, tbh. She is 15 yet was "panicked and upset" about missing the bus, even though it was daytime, she was in a perfectly safe environment, and had the option of you coming to get her?
She sounds less able to look after herself than my 8 year old.

Original poster
GuiltyPleasure · 10/02/2016 23:13

It's a learning experience Ziggy for her and me. This had never happened before so her panic was that her only obvious way home had gone. She didn't know I'd be able to pick her up till she phoned me. If I hadn't been able to collect her she would've taken one of the alternative options. But she generally is very capable & sensible, a bit of a drama queen, but not at all a special snowflake. She's a very average 15 yr old who sometimes makes an error of judgement & in a situation, admittedly of her own making, didn't cope perfectly. We both know better for next time. I'm a parent of a teenager and have no doubt there will be a "next time" Smile

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 11/02/2016 01:01

oh so very mean comments on here, as usual! Sad

Guilty your daughter sounds very normal to me, I am sure lots of kids would get worried about getting stranded in a rural school, losing their phone or being faced with a walk alone down country lanes.

Just all sounds very average to me.

Primaryteach87 · 11/02/2016 01:09

Why the over-invested nasty comments?!

Enjoy the wine OP, you sound like a great mum.

Italiangreyhound · 11/02/2016 01:13

Primaryteach87 I second that.

sashh · 11/02/2016 06:03

An employer wouldn't confiscate your phone, if you were using it in defiance of work rules and practices, they would discipline you by going down the route of firing you.

Some places do.

If you work in a prison taking a phone in is instant dismissal, even if you forgot it is at the bottom of your bag.

ArmchairTraveller · 11/02/2016 06:43

'An earlier poster asked what DD's thoughts were on the thread. We've discussed the different opinions & she's fully aware of the different options she could've taken. '

As the past parent of teenagers who are now young adults, I found this to be a very useful thing to do. Fix the crisis first (which usually isn't one from an adult POV) and then a bit later, talk through what might or should happen next time. Then next time, they have a memory and back-up plans to draw on and panic less.
And yes, OP. There always is something new and very unpredictable hovering just over the horizon. Smile

diddl · 11/02/2016 08:08

"i think punishment was harsh as was lunchtime, if was in a lesson then fair enough"

There wasn't really a punishment though, was there?

Well I suppose to a teen no phone for half a day was a punishmentHmm

But really something that she shouldn't have been using was taken from her so where's the punishment?

Blondeshavemorefun · 11/02/2016 08:47

As in taking the phone off her but not the friends - during her lunchtime

Op - does the school have a zero phone policy?

Do all phones get taken off anyone using it at lunchtime? Before /after school or just during whole school day hours?

Gatehouse77 · 11/02/2016 09:15

I know I've come to this late.
I understand the panic but not the distress.

I'd have told mine to either go and work in the school library (if possible, I know it is at my DCs school) until I could get there. Or walk into town and find out the next bus time, call me and work out what to do with all the information.

Final option, to go to a friend's house and I'd pick her up from there.

As an adult I would live without my phone for less than 24 hours. As a 15 year old I know that would seem an eternity and can understand her prioritising it over bus, even if I don't agree.

I don't think the school were at fault unless she had directly asked for help once realising she'd miss the bus. It's not their responsibility to ensure she catches the bus and the reason she missed it was for breaking a school rule. Whether ther should a a specific point to collect a phone, I don't know. Depends on the set up - if they're split into houses and have a house office to go to, a faculty office for that teacher, reception, staff room, classroom. There's not a universal answer to that and, of course, it doesn't take into account what the teacher's schedule was and if they had time to get the phone to a designated area.

A lesson learnt, all round I suspect!

ATailofTwoKitties · 11/02/2016 09:20

OP, I have one who rather than admit to me that he'd messed up would rather walk the 8 miles.

I know this because he did in fact walk 9 miles home from a holiday job, having forgotten his bus pass and not wanted to shell out for the fare.

He's a nit.

diddl · 11/02/2016 10:29

I thought that OP had already put that phones should not be used at all, including lunchtimes?

kali110 · 11/02/2016 11:15

timeKeepingOnMars i can't follow a map. Years ago on holiday i took my dp and i completely in the wrong direction Blush

sassh really??

ZiggyFartdust · 11/02/2016 11:19

You don't make her sound capable or sensible, quite the opposite in fact. Many 15 year olds are babysitters or have other jobs, can you imagine if they were panicked and distressed at something as simple as this? How could they manage with any actual crisis? I dread to think how little use the average teen would be, if this is the level of capability that is seen as normal.
In reality, I think most teens are far more sensible than OP describes.

Blondeshavemorefun · 11/02/2016 11:48

If phones aren't allowed even at lunchtime then the teacher should have taken all phones not just op dd

bruffin · 11/02/2016 12:04

Why didnt you just tell her to go to the library and sit there and do some homework until you were ready to pick her up?

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