Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly annoyed that DD was left stranded at school

256 replies

GuiltyPleasure · 09/02/2016 22:02

DD is 15. She attends her local school which is about 8 miles from where we live. School is about 2 miles from the town, where there are very infrequent transport links to our village, but in the car it's only about a 20 minute journey. (Need to set context so as not to drip feed). Today DD was with 4 friends at lunchtime, they were all looking at their phones.. See teacher approaching, group put phones away. Teacher sees them & confiscates DD's phone, but no-one else's (DD says this is because teacher knows her because she's in his teaching group, but doesn't know the others, not sure I entirely believe her version of events) & told her to collect from the main office at end of school. 5 minutes before end of lesson another child was given permission to leave early to return a borrowed school tie to the office. DD asks if she can leave early to go to the office as well & told no. DD goes to office at end of school to get phone, knowing she has 10 mins till the school bus leaves. Office staff tell her the phone isn't here it's in x room. DD goes to x room, told to go to y room. Staff in y room tell her to wait a couple of minutes. DD tells them she needs to catch the bus so please could she get her phone back. Buses pick up a couple of minutes walk from main school building. By this time the bus had already left. Staff didn't offer any assistance. There is no other way for her to get home given our/school location. Very distressed DD rings me, so I have to leave work early 40mins away to collect her. I want to be clear I have no issue whatsoever with the phone being confiscated. She broke the rules & faced the consequences of that, but DD told staff on several occasions that she was time limited because she had to catch the school bus & by the time she left they knew she had missed it. AIBU to speak to the school to say I'm unhappy about this? I'm sure the confiscation was in theory the lightest form of punishment, but I'd rather they'd given her a break/lunchtime detention, which is the normal punishment for "minor" infractions of the school rules.?

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 09/02/2016 23:49

At the High school local to me, the rule is that if a child's phone is confiscated due to being misused, it will only be returned to a parent, never the child.

Maybe suggest something similar as an appropriate sanction. Then no need for child to miss bus and probably much less likely to happen again.

RudeElf · 09/02/2016 23:49

what duty do the school have to make sure students are off the premises at the time expected.

They have a duty to end the class on time. Which they did. She chose to stay later than normal to get her phone. She then had her phone to phone you. What exactly could the school have done that would have improved her situation?

RudeElf · 09/02/2016 23:50

Our phones were returned at the end of june Sad

bessiebumptious2 · 09/02/2016 23:51

Our phones were returned at the end of june

That'll learn ya! Wink

slicedfinger · 09/02/2016 23:53

OP I am clearly in the minority in thinking that you were right to collect your daughter. I'd not contact the school though I don't think. Just make sure DD appreciates that she was in the wrong.

bessiebumptious2 · 09/02/2016 23:54

What if a child's issues lasted long into the evening? If they were still waiting for a parent to collect them from the school doorstep at 10pm? Several nights a week?

At what point does a teacher say enough is enough with regard to their 'parenting/caring' role? Should they be afforded benefits as a 'carer', above and beyond their job? How far should their job extend, exactly?

RudeElf · 09/02/2016 23:55

That'll learn ya!

It bloody did! Grin

Original poster
GuiltyPleasure · 09/02/2016 23:58

For what it's worth, we live in a perculiar area geographically. It's a tiny village, but you can catch a train into 2 major northern cities so DD is very streetwise in that respect but her school is outside a town/village that is very isolated in terms of transport ( not helped by the winter floods that cut the entire place in two)

OP posts:
bessiebumptious2 · 10/02/2016 00:00

slicedfinger

I don't think op was wrong, particularly. I think these things will become more frequent and if it's not a problem for the op then picking up is fine. However, I would caveat that to say that if it's a frequent occurrence then there's some room for improvement on both sides.

Deliberate and irresponsible actions need addressing. Issues that are outside of child/parent control are forgivable and need compromise. This isn't outside of child's control - only experience.

A discussion with child around what should happen in these circumstances is sensible and will communicate what is expected of both. Thereby, any exceptions are allowed to be alarming!

Vintage45 · 10/02/2016 00:04

Multiple children until the end of school.

A couple of children every now and again that need assistance after school.

Someone on site to deal with this knowing children attend from miles away is a good idea surely and dealing with minors this age hopefully a must.

AndNowItsSeven · 10/02/2016 00:05

Of course 15 is a child, so is 16, you become an adult at 18.

scarlets · 10/02/2016 00:05

The school's inefficiency would annoy me, but inefficiency in general does. The process sounds a bit chaotic.

However, your daughter overreacted a little. She should perhaps have walked to town and taken public transport from there, keeping you informed by text.

bessiebumptious2 · 10/02/2016 00:08

Op, I'll shut up now (Pimm's kicked in a while ago!) but from experience, communicating your expectations is key. Letting them know that you need to know they're safe is important because that will enable them to make the right decisions.

And now you've said that it's dark country lanes for part of the walk then I better understand your concern. But it's still not the school's problem - it's yours and you need to work out a strategy for these situations - one that works for both of you.

8 miles walking is just silly, but 2 is acceptable at that time of day in light of their own silliness. BUT... I'd have them call me before and after the walk to ensure they met 'milestones' along the way. It's part of letting 'go' and realising that they're growing up within boundaries. It's not 'not caring', it's about equipping them for adulthood, very gently.

Sleep tight.

Original poster
GuiltyPleasure · 10/02/2016 00:09

All good! I knew the Aibu jury would give me the best advice. I've shown DD the thread as well. She's suitably remorseful, as an I. Thank you Wine

OP posts:
RudeElf · 10/02/2016 00:09

Someone on site to deal with this

How? What exactly needed to happen in OP's situation?

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 10/02/2016 00:09

Why didn't she ring dad? Mmmmm

bessiebumptious2 · 10/02/2016 00:18

Op - sorry, but I disagree with showing your DD the thread. She needs to know that it's your decision, and your parenting choice, and care - not anyone else's.

Original poster
GuiltyPleasure · 10/02/2016 00:24

She would've rung dad sally but he was also working & was 3 hours away so I was the closest.

OP posts:
bessiebumptious2 · 10/02/2016 00:24

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Wed 10-Feb-16 00:09:58
Why didn't she ring dad? Mmmmm

Nice.

Shoki · 10/02/2016 00:26

Why didn't she ring dad?

Not everything is a feminist issue

Original poster
GuiltyPleasure · 10/02/2016 00:32

Bessie I agree in general, but it's been useful in this scenario. DD is a bit of a princess PFB & it's been a bit of a reality check for both of us as to expectations l

OP posts:
Original poster
GuiltyPleasure · 10/02/2016 00:39

Shoki Think I've "justified" myself in my reply to Sally**no idea.how the thread took that turn though

OP posts:
Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 10/02/2016 00:41

I don't mind these situations to be honest - I have a DD 13 and think you have to face these choices and fail so to speak to work out how or what you would do next time -

So a chain of events - she shouldn't have use her phone

Phone should be in the office

DD should have just got the bus

Or

Walked into town / rung you

At least next time she will know that X leads to y

I wouldn't be cross - but think these things are sent to try us

(My favourite saying at the mo is that YOU have two parents! Ask your Dad!!! Because he is just as capable of helping out - if they give him chance)

Original poster
GuiltyPleasure · 10/02/2016 00:46

Thank you bessie noll sure why sallyis making assumptions about my parenting situation !

OP posts:
Original poster
GuiltyPleasure · 10/02/2016 00:55

X-post Sallyin this case it was purely a location issue: in fact her dad is the usually the soft option when it comes to picking up (I get grumpy when it impacts on wine time on a Saturday night£

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread