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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS constantly chanting "I'm 18, I'm an adult, I can do what I want"

139 replies

Cutecat78 · 09/02/2016 18:46

Trying to have a nice meal with the kids (18, 16, 13), made pancakes (only) for tea as a bit of a treat as I am normally anal a real stickler for a "proper" eve meal.

DS1 is 18, things aren't great between us ATM as he has dropped out of college and hasn't managed to get a job so is being fully supported by me (which I am struggling to afford - which he knows).

The rules are my house my rules, he helps out around the house, he lets me know what time he's home and if he wants tea. He gets a fucking job ASAP.

His staple reply to other things since he turned 18 has been "I'm 18, I'm an adult you can't tell me what to do" which is really quite infuriating and often turns into me replying "while you are living in my house being supported by me you will do as you are told". A row ensues and it's not pleasant.

Over dinner he put a load of sugar and syrup and strawberry sauce on his pancake which had sugar in it already. DD and DS2 are sat there (DS2 has Aspergers and I am really struggling to regulate the amount of crap he is eating ATM) and I tell DS1 that's way too much sugar etc (and IMO a bit rude) and I get the "I'm 18" response.

This is really really pissing me off and I know I need to pick my battles but are all 18 yr olds like this? If so is there a joking way I can respond without it turning into a row about him not working Every. Single. Time.

He is an adult in the eyes of the law but he is still my son and not the grown man he keeps bragging he is as he's not actually doing anything constructive right now Hmm.

OP posts:
ZiggyFartdust · 09/02/2016 20:04

I think the pancakes are a red herring. He is an adult and if he wants sugar, syrup, strawberries and cream on them, it's his choice

Like fuck it is! Its his choice when he buys all those ingredients, makes the pancakes, in his own house, with his own cooker and gas and plates.
Until then, its not his choice, if the person who does pay for all that says different.

peggyundercrackers · 09/02/2016 20:04

Who doesn't clean their teeth? Your 18yr old? Why would you stand over him? If he doesn't want to do it leave him to it.

You actually sound quite controlling, you tell him what to eat, you tell him what to do, you stand over him to make sure he cleans his teeth... Would you do that to any other adult? No. Start treating him like and adult and he may start behaving like one.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 09/02/2016 20:05

No handsome Grin my 13 yr old!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 09/02/2016 20:06

My 13 yr old ASD DS2 eats too much sugar and doesn't clean his teeth.

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 09/02/2016 20:06

He's quite right. He is an adult and he can "do what he likes", but doing what he likes means standing on his own 2 feet. He can't have it both ways

Owllady · 09/02/2016 20:10

She's on about the younger boy 're teeth
I totally get what the op is on about, but my life has to run to routine. It's a really difficult task to manage someone else's behaviours when they can be compulsive.
I find myself walking the correct way round sainsburys when I'm on my own though Blush and I think wtf am I doing?! :o

But at eighteen he should understand how his behaviour (which isn't adult) affects his brother. And his mum obviously

Omg I'm watching someone putting his arm up a cow

Headofthehive55 · 09/02/2016 20:16

I think if you are offering him pancakes you can't then make the offer conditional.

Can you imagine the op inviting someone to dinner, who if course hasn't paid for any of it then as said guest goes to help themselves to various items op would be glaring and passing comment. It wouldn't make for a lovely meal would it?

RB68 · 09/02/2016 20:21

show him the front door and say to him - if you want to enact the I am 18 and can do what I want without showing any responsibility towards me or your brothers/sisters this is the door - you will be on the otherside along with all your stuff. If you show willing and act responsible in terms of the example you set and the contributions you make to this household you can keep your room. You have x months to find a job and pay your way - the cost is £100 a week B&Board take it of leave it.

H3 · 09/02/2016 20:30

He's a teenager, he will know if he's being out of order but just might not want to admit it. Talk to him about issues when there's no tension (if you can) to explain your difficulties & how & why it annoys you that he says that he's 18 etc. (Or maybe write a note to him as he can digest it without an argument?)

Not pandering to him but sometimes saying 'this is my house, my rules' can create defensiveness & he's your son so fair enough if you don't want to tell him to leave or create further tension.

I rented a flat on my own from 18 & had 2 jobs just to cover the bills, it wasn't easy but possible - felt lonely & scary sometimes though!

peggyundercrackers · 09/02/2016 20:33

Sorry I thought you meant you were standing over 18yr old, glad to hear that's not the case.

sleeponeday · 09/02/2016 20:45

No answers, OP, but a lot of sympathy. You have an awful lot on your plate.

ZenNudist · 09/02/2016 20:52

You need a plan. You're getting wound up over the small stuff because the big stuff is going wrong.

I think we've established pancakes are not the issue here. So some coming down hard like other posters suggest. I will add taking his phone off him and giving it to a younger dc if he doesn't pay the bill, or confiscating it entirely. I know you'll say he needs it for his job search but I think here needs to be consequences for being a layabout.

Also making it less comfortable to lie about at home doing nowt. Can you change the wifi password, make him go to the library to do a job search.

Make sure he is getting whatever benefits he is entitled to and handing them over to you. Tell him he can keep some money of his own when he earns some. Parrot back the 'youre an adult' line at him.

Plus try and sit down and talk to him with some kindness. Sound like you've tried but he's just being feckless and taking advantage of you. Can you appeal to him to speak to his dad about goinv to live with him for a while. Or tell his dad that if he won't pay maintenance then he needs to step up and gave ds live with him. It doesn't sound like you have any more spare room than your ex.

It would do your relationship with ds some good if he moved out.

Sounds hard.Flowers

sonjadog · 09/02/2016 20:59

Could you take him deadly seriously about being an adult by calling him down, showing your income and expenses and having a seriuos conversation about how he is going to cover his now he is an adult? Even if you don't really mean it, pretend you are serious. If he wants to be an adult, he has to start thinking about all that entails!

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 09/02/2016 21:00

This is what is making me sad tbh - it is affecting our relationship which has always been really nice and laid back - albeit I have had to be mum and dad so I know I have sometimes been too strict but I have also gone out of my way to drive them to Europe for holidays etc as I never wanted them to miss out because their dad and I were not together.

I have always worked hard to provide for them and hoped I was being a positive role model for them (DD has 2 jobs and is at 6th form) I took term time only jobs when they were little so I have always been around.

I think it is irritation and maybe hurt or disappointment that I don't seem to have instilled the values in him that I was trying to - and right now I feel like a nagging old cow.

OP posts:
feckitall · 09/02/2016 21:04

I created a spreadsheet with all household costs...the costs were then divided by the number of people in the house (ie 5) and then DS1 was told that was the cost to him ..a fifth of the totals...told him I would keep a running bill until he got a job and his first few wages would pay his 'arrears'...it concentrated the mind and he had a waitering job within a week..

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 09/02/2016 21:10

I am in awe of people able to do spread sheets ....

OP posts:
Marniasmum · 09/02/2016 21:14

DD and DS2 are sat there (DS2 has Aspergers and I am really struggling to regulate the amount of crap he is eating ATM)

well then don't feed him pancakes as a dinner!!

YANBU about sorting himself out with a job or college (although he made need your help and guidance in that) but YABU to tell him out much syrup he can put on his pancake, as though he is a little boy!

Ditsy4 · 09/02/2016 21:15

I can't believe the amount of people saying "Show him the door."
He is pleased about being 18 but shows signs of being quite a young, immature 18. When he says it just agree. "Yes, you are so you need to be behaving like one." End of conversation. Do you get him to contribute in other ways? Give him some money for an evening meal for the family and suggest he shops and cooks for you at least once a week. He should be doing all his own washing and ironing. Could he do some odd jobs for neighbours etc while trying for a job? There are often small jobs people would like done. This will make him feel useful. Set a little time each week to help him with his job search. As others have said try and ignore the little things unless inconsiderate like leaving something for others to trip over. I have four children all over 18. I had a similar sign and often pointed at it but said nothing. My daughter got the message when she had overstepped the mark. She is lovely girl now. You will get through it and you will have a loving son soon.

H3 · 09/02/2016 21:18

Sounds like you are a fab mum & he is just being a teenager! Would it be possible for you to spend some time with him, just the two of you? Even if it's just an hour or so - ask him to treat you to lunch now he's an adult 😉

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 09/02/2016 22:29

Thank you.

Yeah I might try to spend some time with him Smile

OP posts:
ephemeralfairy · 10/02/2016 00:19

I dunno. It's actually not that easy to just 'get a job' at the moment. Pubs and bars tend not to take on 18 year olds with no experience, and the vast majority of retail/catering jobs are zero hours, so there's no guarantee of how much money he'd actually be bringing home.

Having said that he shouldn't be so damn rude to you. It does sound like you are frustrated and that manifests itself in nagging...which gets his back up. I think a good approach (if you can) is to have a non-confrontational chat in a neutral place, and just try to get him to think about what he actually might want to do in the mid-to-long-term. Going back to college to do a different subject, thinking about some sort of apprenticeship maybe?

sashh · 10/02/2016 05:53

Keep reminding him he is not behaving like an adult.

"I'm 18, I'm an adult, I can do what I want"
"You are 18, behaving like a 5 year old, get a job like other adults"

Headofthehive55 · 10/02/2016 06:42

Jobs sometimes aren't easy to get.

I remember being quite disdainful about the unemployed as well I'd always had a job and would go about looking differently to them etc etc.

We moved once, and I found myself sans job. For months. I am much more tolerant of the unemployed these days!

HermioneJeanGranger · 10/02/2016 06:57

It will be tough for him to find a job, especially if he got himself sacked from the last one, but there are jobs out there. I imagine he doesn't want to work nights/evenings/early mornings but he doesn't have much of a choice. Retail is always hiring, even if it's only a 16 hour contract there's always overtime available.

I second the poster who said to draw up a spreadsheet (i.e total up all bills, divide by 5, and give him a weekly bill for his share of everything). He needs to pay his way as HIS decision to quit college left you struggling for money. Quitting college itself isn't the issue, but he needs to accept the consequences of that, which is he needs to get a job!

SoupDragon · 10/02/2016 07:19

I do think some posters are missing the point. It's not about the bloody pancakes, it's about the DS being an obnoxious smartarse and claiming he wants to be treated like an adult whilst displaying the manners and behaviour of a small child. I always think to myself that, when teens are like that, it's about the time they would have been thrown out of the "pack" if we were wild animals.

I think a heart to heart chat is in order about how even adults can't do as they please when living in a family unit and how there are responsibilities that come with the "freedom" of being an adult.