DS constantly chanting "I'm 18, I'm an adult, I can do what I want"

[Cutecat78]

Trying to have a nice meal with the kids (18, 16, 13), made pancakes (only) for tea as a bit of a treat as I am normally anal a real stickler for a "proper" eve meal.

DS1 is 18, things aren't great between us ATM as he has dropped out of college and hasn't managed to get a job so is being fully supported by me (which I am struggling to afford - which he knows).

The rules are my house my rules, he helps out around the house, he lets me know what time he's home and if he wants tea. He gets a fucking job ASAP.

His staple reply to other things since he turned 18 has been "I'm 18, I'm an adult you can't tell me what to do" which is really quite infuriating and often turns into me replying "while you are living in my house being supported by me you will do as you are told". A row ensues and it's not pleasant.

Over dinner he put a load of sugar and syrup and strawberry sauce on his pancake which had sugar in it already. DD and DS2 are sat there (DS2 has Aspergers and I am really struggling to regulate the amount of crap he is eating ATM) and I tell DS1 that's way too much sugar etc (and IMO a bit rude) and I get the "I'm 18" response.

This is really really pissing me off and I know I need to pick my battles but are all 18 yr olds like this? If so is there a joking way I can respond without it turning into a row about him not working Every. Single. Time.

He is an adult in the eyes of the law but he is still my son and not the grown man he keeps bragging he is as he's not actually doing anything constructive right now .

[Seeyounearertime]

"Im 18, i'm an adult, you can't tell me what to do"
"You know son, you're right. I'm sorry i've been treating you like a child.
Here is a bill for the rent you owe, i'm only charging you a 90% of market rate seeing as you're family, heres a bill for your share of the electric, the water, the council tax but i'll cover your part of the gas. I've cleared the top shelf of the fridge for you to keep your food, the other shelves are mine and the kids so no touching those please. also, i'm cutting hte broadband down to a more affordable speed and cancelling the TV subscriptions as i don't watch them. If you, as an adult, decide you want faster broadband and the bigger packages you're more than welcome to organise having it installed and you pay the bill. I think that's it? oh and I'll be cooking around 6 for me and the kids, you can either cook your tea before that or you'll have to wait. please don't mix your washing up in with ours. which reminds me, the washing, there's a laundrette down the road if you want to use that, i would do it but as you're an adult i doubt you'de want someone cleaning your pants for you."

That should be more or les the conversation.

[ImperialBlether]

It really pisses me off when people stop paying child support when the child in question isn't bringing in any money and the resident parent ends up paying for everything.

[Penfold007]

Would his father have him for a while? Yes he is now an adult and with that come rights and responsibilities.

He needs to start acting like and adult and accept the responsibility.

I understand how the sugar, syrup and jam annoyed but as an adult he gets to make those choices. Of course there may now be no sugar for his coffee, jam or syrup for his toast but hey ho.

[Cutecat78]

I don't give him any money at all or lifts and he paid his phone last month but no idea how he will pay this month (is still in my name and contract until Sep).

His dad isn't helpful although DS went to stay there for a few days when we fell out last week.

He has halved my maintenance (rather than dropping it by 20%) and by default I now have to support him - so he's saving money and I am struggling.

He gave DS money to buy "interview clothes" apparently - which annoyed me and I need to check is true.

[sweetvparsley]

He could look for an apprenticeship which although not well paid will give him the pride of being able to contribute something to the household budget.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Why hasn't he gotten a job, though? Does he actually go out and look, or does he get to sit home on his backside?

[Cutecat78]

He goes out and has given out CVs etc but he is not making the effort I would make myself or that I expect of him which is a constant source of strife between us.

I have suggested he signs up with the numerous agencies or go round all the pubs (we live in a large seaside resort where there are loads of bars that are busy all year round).

He has interviews but they don't even call and he doesn't ring to ask for feedback which I think he should.

I am at work all day so it's hard to supervise what he is actually doing.

[ridemesideways]

He quit his job too, when he didn't like that either? And that's why he can't claim JSA? You are being taken for granted and he'd be wise to remember which side his bread is buttered on...

[Cutecat78]

He didn't quit his job - he was laid off after Xmas, loads of them were.

[GruntledOne]

I think I'd refuse to cook for him or indeed do anything for him, and if he complained chant "I'm 40 (or whatever), I can do what I want".

[HermioneJeanGranger]

I sympathise, OP, it must be so frustrating, especially as you've lost most of your financial support from his dad as well.

Can you give him a deadline of getting a job/apprenticeship by X date otherwise he has to find somewhere else to go? Can't he live with his dad?

[tomatodizzy]

If that happened in my house my new catchphrase would be "I'm 38, I'm an adult and I have a house and a bank account that you need, so shape up or ship out"

[user7755]

You put sugar in pancakes?

[AutumnLeavesArePretty]

He's 18, most 18s think they know everything as just turned adults but don't. They still have growing up to do.

Astonished so many would seek to throw their children out, it's like all love and support goes out the window at 18. He still need guidance and compassion.

[HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom]

I'm committing the cardinal sin here of not reading the full thread, but he needs to take responsibility for setting a reasonable example to his younger sibs.

His situation is tricky, I'll cut him some slack for being an arse because a) I was equally obnoxious 25 years ago and b) my dsd is the same. He still needs to get a grip though.

[goodnightdarthvader1]

If you do any of his washing, cooking, washing up, if he uses the WIFI you pay for, the hot water you pay for then stop allowing it or doing these things for him and when he wonders where his clothes or why the WIFI password has changed etc, say 'You're 18, you're an adult, I wouldn't dream of doing all the things I used to do for you when you were a child.'

This. Don't be a doormat.

[Cutecat78]

Yeah like drop scones...? Or Scottish Pancakes ...

[HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom]

Has anyone been along yet to say how at his age they were raising three children, paying a mortgage and completing a degree?

[Cutecat78]

Throwing him out isn't an option for me ATM -I couldn't do it although he doesn't know that.

His dad has a DSD and students so has "no room" and was massively opinionated about me charging DS more than £25 a week to live here when he was working. He's a twat.

[HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom]

His dad sounds like an utter bellend

[rogueantimatter]

Apparently their brains haven't fully developed until they're 25...... sigh.

My sympathies too - difficult situation for you both. He probably feels he has no control over anything despite being an adult and is fed up of being at home all day.

I get you with the pancakes though - we had pancakes for breakfast with tea instead of DS' beloved fruit juice to avoid a massive sugar intake and I made them with two eggs instead of one to hopefully up their protein and therefore lower their glycaemic index. But I can see how your DS feels 'controlled' when you try (understandably) to tell him what to eat. You are concerned about healthy eating but he probably isn't. I share your pain. In our house it's DH who is the bad example! Why doesn't dad have to eat his cabbage? Because he's an adult - he can make his own choices. I wish he'd grow up though and eat healthily for the one meal he shares with the kids.

[Hihohoho1]

Think your response about the pancakes was ridiculous. He can put in what he likes as he's not responsible for sibling trouble.

You need to go out with him to the pub as two adults together and really talk. He sounds like fed floundering here and needs your help.

Of course he shouldn't be rude to you but if you treat him like a child he will react as such.

Honestly op been there op. My older ones are sorted now and great adults but trust me they don't magically develop adult emotions and sense just on their 18 the birthday. He needs your support and guidance.

Get on the same side. Give him a shoulder to lean on. You won't regret it.

Ignore the show him the door idiots! They most probably have toddlers.

[Cutecat78]

Yes - that's why I divorced him

I read some research recently which says our brains aren't fully developed until we are 40

[TitClash]

It sounds like he walked out of his job and is being sanctioned.
The wait to claim JSA is two weeks.

He's taking the piss. Tell him that.