DS constantly chanting "I'm 18, I'm an adult, I can do what I want"

[Cutecat78]

Trying to have a nice meal with the kids (18, 16, 13), made pancakes (only) for tea as a bit of a treat as I am normally anal a real stickler for a "proper" eve meal.

DS1 is 18, things aren't great between us ATM as he has dropped out of college and hasn't managed to get a job so is being fully supported by me (which I am struggling to afford - which he knows).

The rules are my house my rules, he helps out around the house, he lets me know what time he's home and if he wants tea. He gets a fucking job ASAP.

His staple reply to other things since he turned 18 has been "I'm 18, I'm an adult you can't tell me what to do" which is really quite infuriating and often turns into me replying "while you are living in my house being supported by me you will do as you are told". A row ensues and it's not pleasant.

Over dinner he put a load of sugar and syrup and strawberry sauce on his pancake which had sugar in it already. DD and DS2 are sat there (DS2 has Aspergers and I am really struggling to regulate the amount of crap he is eating ATM) and I tell DS1 that's way too much sugar etc (and IMO a bit rude) and I get the "I'm 18" response.

This is really really pissing me off and I know I need to pick my battles but are all 18 yr olds like this? If so is there a joking way I can respond without it turning into a row about him not working Every. Single. Time.

He is an adult in the eyes of the law but he is still my son and not the grown man he keeps bragging he is as he's not actually doing anything constructive right now .

[Headofthehive55]

soup is right about the responsibilities that come with being 18.

The expectations come from you though. My DD offered, and did, stay over at home one day midweek a couple of weeks ago so she could get her younger siblings up and to before school club before driving back an hour and a half to her uni in time for a lecture. She recognised she's part of the family unit, and she was the one with the later start that morning. We needed help, she gave it. She wants the money for uni...I need to earn it then and she facilitates that.

[Headofthehive55]

It's not my house but team hives house. She's part of the team. Therefore she chips in.

[HazelBite]

I have 4 adult, sons 2 still at home. I would at 18 pick your battles.
I sympathise as they can be so infuriating but I would just bite your tongue and leave him be for a while.
When you are both calm and in a quiet moment just quietly explain to him your financial circumstances and how he can help out with chores etc, its part of having some self responsibility.
He will get better

[Cutecat78]

Just to clarify - he didn't get sacked from the most recent job.

He had an 8 hr contract in retail in a new store which opened in Oct - he really enjoyed it and worked long (more than full time) hours and got a really good reference.

They let most of the casuals go on NYE.

It it tough for him - but he needs to pick himself up and carry on as I think hes in a lot better position than some of those who are not living with family etc.

He doesn't really seem to "get" how much it would cost him to live elsewhere (he knows how much the mortgage is but doesn't seem to think its fair that hes paying towards "my" mortgage)and he was happy when we agreed that he would pay a 3rd of whatever he earnt (with a view to saving a third and spending a third) until his father told him that was outrageous and he should not pay me more than £25 a week - even though he (his father) is now giving me £150 a month less as DS1 isn't working or in education/training.

I paid my mum £40 a week 20 yrs ago - my mortgage still has to be paid if DS wants a bedroom in the house - not sure what past of that he and his dad don't get.

When DS moves out I fully intend of getting students to cover my costs.

I get that jobs aren't that easy to get these days but lying in bed until mid morning and going round your mates all evening and making no effort to dress appropriately for interviews pissses me off and as I said 16 yr old DD has TWO part time jobs (I do not rub DS2 face in this btw).

[Quoteunquote]

stick one of these postcards on every door (eye level) in the house

or this one

[badtime]

Cute, the reason people think that your son was sacked from his most recent job is because of the delay in claiming JSA.

If a temporary contract ends, you can start to claim straight away.

If you are sacked, there is a delay.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

Spreadsheet. Putting the reality of what shit costs out in black and white is a life lesson for everyone. Make him do it if he's computer literate and if he's not then he should be signing up for some sort of training if he wants to be a functioning adult in the 21st century.

Work out a reasonable portion of cost for him, and give him 6 weeks to sort himself out. After that, it's sharing with DS3 and getting a lodger into his room.

Give him notice that you are cancelling his phone unless you get first dibs on that amount on his JSA every week/month. If nothing else he will start to watch his pennies on that. A PAYG phone is usually far more expensive than a monthly bill so it is in his interests to play ball.

[badtime]

Oh, and there is also a delay if you quit.

If he left 'properly', with the correct notice given etc, he would still get a good reference, btw.

[TitClash]

I dont know any adults that can do what they want. We have to get up, work and pay bills.
'I can do what I want' is another way of saying 'You cant tell me what to do.'

He might be 18 but he's very immature, he's sponging off you, and I dont think he has been honest with you about his last job. There would have been no delay in JSA if he had been let go at the end of contract.

[ethelb]

Can he move in with his Dad if his Dad thinks your DS contributing towards 'your' mortgage is so awful?

[Cutecat78]

He didn't go to the job centre until weeks after he was let go - I didn't think about him claiming benefits and assumed he would not be eligible.

He is getting a whole months worth at the end of the month I have no reason to disbelieve him.

He def wasn't sacked.

[Cutecat78]

His dad has no room as said previously he has a DSD and students so has "no room" .

[EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard]

When you get chance to have a calm one to one tell him that he can only have it one of two ways.

He's reached the age of majority but is not yet a fully independent adult, so he therefore goes along with house rules, or, he is a fully independent adult and as such lives up to all the consequent responsibilities.
Rent or mortgage it matters not, it's a cost to put a roof over his head.

Spreadsheets are not hard, even if you do it on the back of an envelope.
Write all your monthly outgoings for the home, food and anything else he has the advantage of in one column and what he contributes towards it in the other. Clearly at this point he doesn't have a clue.

I'd also point out that as his father isn't contributing towards anything for him and you've lost £X a week, then his opinions count for nothing on that score.
I wonder how much his father charges the student lodgers?

The only other thing I can say is that an awful lot of teens are hard work and very frustrating. It helps to learn to pick your battles and to pick your times, even if you sometimes have to bite your lip a bit. Somehow you need to have a quiet conversation pointing out that you're trying your best to be supportive of him, but that it's a two way street and involves mutual respect, both of you and the family situation overall.

[chunkymum1]

This must be very frustrating for you- but I agree with you and several others that kicking him out is not the answer for most mums. My brothers went through a similar stage when they were late teens and I've seen friends' sons do the same- they want to be looked after like children but constantly tell you they are adults and can do whatever they want.

I think if you can manage it the key is an open discussion- however true it is 'my house, my rules' seems to make them worse. Perhaps you can find a calm time to have an honest discussion with him- something along the lines of 'now that you are not a child we need to work out how our relationship and living arrangements will work'. I know that the pancakes incident is just an illustration of the issues but maybe you can ask him to see that although he is an adult and needs to make his own decisions there is an impact on the children in the household. I can see that with most teens this may be easier said than done.

As some other posters have said, he's probably feeling frustrated with his situation and probably not very good about himself for having left college and being unemployed- as with everything good old mum gets the brunt of this. It may seem an odd suggestion since you want him to contribute financially, but I think it would be worth speaking to him about voluntary work. I've seen others in similar situations get a lot out of it- a boost to work skills, self confidence and something for the CV to differentiate him from all the other applicants (as well as showing that he's not afraid of a bit of work). Obviously he'd need to check with the job centre that this wouldn't be a problem for his benefits but I believe they actually encourage this as a way of 'up-skilling'.

As for his dad's 'no room' stance when he lets rooms to students- you could also say this if you let DS's room out. Clearly not something to bring in to the discussions with DS but how annoying- especially when he thinks he has the right to get involved in discussions about what DS should pay you. Grrr

[goodnightdarthvader1]

he knows how much the mortgage is but doesn't seem to think its fair that hes paying towards "my" mortgage

Fuck THAT noise. He can live in the fucking shed, then. Does he not grasp that HE lives there too?

[goodnightdarthvader1]

Work it out for him. Flat share, council tax, water, electricty / gas, groceries, internet. SHOW him exactly how much it would cost to live alone. If he doubts you, tell him to do his own research. He needs a short, sharp, shock.

[popcornpaws]

As long as he keeps getting the my house my rules line and your opinions on what YOU think he should be doing regarding work and what YOU would do if you were him won't be helping the situation.
He won't do anything because you think he should.
Once you come to terms with that you might find he doesn't use the I'm 18 I'm an adult as he won't feel you are always telling him what to do.

[Cutecat78]

I don't think I have said I was telling him what I would be doing re work or what I would do if I were him .....

[Nataleejah]

YABU about sugar on pancake. Really? I thought it was about something more serious, like irresponsiblg drinking

[Cutecat78]

It's not the pancake but it was sugar, golden syrup and strawberry syrup.

[Floisme]

Your son reminds me of myself at 18. I turned down a university place because I was an adult and knew best and assumed I could easily get a job. Of course I was wrong but was then too mortified to ask for help so instead hung around the house being obnoxious. Had my parents taken some of the the strongarm advice on here things could easily have got nasty.

Fortunately they were wise enough to realise that although I was technically an adult, I was still very young emotionally. They must have had to bite their tongues every day but they treated me with love and tolerance and - crucially - picked their battles.

I sorted myself out and I hope your son does too.

[Floisme]

Sorry the 'treated me with love' bit is really badly phrased - I'm not suggesting you're not loving

I'm just trying to say that although I kept on telling my parents I was an adult and pushing them away, I was actually in quite a vulnerable place and it could well be the same for your son.

[Cutecat78]

I was the same floisme and my parents kicked me out.

I drifted until I met an abusive heroin addict who I thought I adored.

I ended up with an expensive habit and no home.

It would have to be pretty bad for me to do the same to one of my DC and I have always strived to parent differently.

I know he will turn the corner - I have to not kill him in the process

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

Have you ever told him that story or is it all a secret?

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

Just wondering if it might give him some perspective, although I guess it might get thrown back in your face