DS constantly chanting "I'm 18, I'm an adult, I can do what I want"

[Cutecat78]

Trying to have a nice meal with the kids (18, 16, 13), made pancakes (only) for tea as a bit of a treat as I am normally anal a real stickler for a "proper" eve meal.

DS1 is 18, things aren't great between us ATM as he has dropped out of college and hasn't managed to get a job so is being fully supported by me (which I am struggling to afford - which he knows).

The rules are my house my rules, he helps out around the house, he lets me know what time he's home and if he wants tea. He gets a fucking job ASAP.

His staple reply to other things since he turned 18 has been "I'm 18, I'm an adult you can't tell me what to do" which is really quite infuriating and often turns into me replying "while you are living in my house being supported by me you will do as you are told". A row ensues and it's not pleasant.

Over dinner he put a load of sugar and syrup and strawberry sauce on his pancake which had sugar in it already. DD and DS2 are sat there (DS2 has Aspergers and I am really struggling to regulate the amount of crap he is eating ATM) and I tell DS1 that's way too much sugar etc (and IMO a bit rude) and I get the "I'm 18" response.

This is really really pissing me off and I know I need to pick my battles but are all 18 yr olds like this? If so is there a joking way I can respond without it turning into a row about him not working Every. Single. Time.

He is an adult in the eyes of the law but he is still my son and not the grown man he keeps bragging he is as he's not actually doing anything constructive right now .

[MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge]

Cleensheets, because I think it won't work. Op's DS probably is being influenced by his father to be resentful and unco-operative. Also, he is clearly willing to have confrontations with OP all day long. So as a first tactic, I would try something different. If the DS doesn't respond to that, then OP can be tougher.

[Cuppachaplz]

I had what started as a similar scenario with DSD (however without DH in dude it rapidly deteriorated).

If you physically kick him out, he will get emergency housing.
If he finds somewhere, he will get help. This was what we did with DSD. We found him a room in a shared house (cheapest way) and I paid his first months rent/deposit etc. I doubt I'll get it back.

[HardWorkButTheyMakeMeSmile]

To me it sounds as if your Ds is parroting back what he has heard from his dad. "He's not paying your mortgage for you " seems like something he's heard from his dad.

Would you put it past his dad to be encouraging all this 'your 18 now, you can do what you like' stuff ?

[Cleensheetsandbedding]

Why is it unrealistic myfavourite?

[MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge]

This tough talk is all pretty unrealistic.

I agree with meeting in a neutral place-treat him to a coffee somewhere, be encouraging about helping him with careers counselling so it isn't all about your demands. Then it will be easier for him to hear how he has to contribute, financially and otherwise.

[SquinkiesRule]

Hand him the newspaper and tell him there are jobs on page.... and flats for rent on page... and don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out.

[Cleensheetsandbedding]

But it might be enough To to get him to think you have had enough and want him out.

He has no respect for you and this will only get worse as he starts to think he is the 'man of the house'

You either put up and shut up in which your other kids will think they can treat you like an idiot OR you get firm and tell him start having respect for you or move out.

By the way I had this with my 20 year old when she moved back in from splitting up with her boyfriend. There was a really strange power struggle. So I told her she had to move out if she didn't Buck up and she also had to pay rent. (Which is minimal)

Your doing no one any favours being soft on him, when is he supposed to start growing up ?

[Chippednailvarnish]

Go to the council\housing and get a form to fill in for his own flat.

You will end up with a thirty something still living at home waiting for mummy to wipe his arse

If you wait for a council flat you'll end up with a fifty something at home!

[Cutecat78]

Haha!! His own council flat?!

You are kidding right?

I know people with kids who can't get a council flat.

[Abbinob]

Not much point in him trying to get a flat from the council, single young men with a home are probably the lowest priority. He needs a job,and to either grow up a bit or move into a house share and be forced to grow up.
To be fair, it isn't easy to find a job quickly especially with little experience. My parents gave me hell for not getting a full time job (had a werkebd job) straight after fishing college but I was applying to every single suitable job and i t took months. It made me feel like a parasite and caused a lot of arguments.

[Cleensheetsandbedding]

Go to the council\housing and get a form to fill in for his own flat.

You will end up with a thirty something still living at home waiting for mummy to wipe his arse. My brother is still leeching of my DGM.

He is not a child, he is an adult. If he is not looking for work or an apprenticeship then he has to go in job seekers. This man eill one day want to havens family and what life skills will he have? None because you are still keeping him a child

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

Hmm, yes. Hopefully on some level he will appreciate that you know what you are talking about, but at the same time I can see it being used as a weapon against you. I can definitely see why it makes you more cautious about copying your parents actions

[Cutecat78]

And yeah I have had "well you did it" thrown in my face when he smoked weed - and I just said yes but that doesn't mean that is what I want for you.

[Cutecat78]

I have been open with the kids about my past from when I felt they were old enough to know and understand (and I had to tell them before their step mother did it for me ).

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

Just wondering if it might give him some perspective, although I guess it might get thrown back in your face

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

Have you ever told him that story or is it all a secret?

[Cutecat78]

I was the same floisme and my parents kicked me out.

I drifted until I met an abusive heroin addict who I thought I adored.

I ended up with an expensive habit and no home.

It would have to be pretty bad for me to do the same to one of my DC and I have always strived to parent differently.

I know he will turn the corner - I have to not kill him in the process

[Floisme]

Sorry the 'treated me with love' bit is really badly phrased - I'm not suggesting you're not loving

I'm just trying to say that although I kept on telling my parents I was an adult and pushing them away, I was actually in quite a vulnerable place and it could well be the same for your son.

[Floisme]

Your son reminds me of myself at 18. I turned down a university place because I was an adult and knew best and assumed I could easily get a job. Of course I was wrong but was then too mortified to ask for help so instead hung around the house being obnoxious. Had my parents taken some of the the strongarm advice on here things could easily have got nasty.

Fortunately they were wise enough to realise that although I was technically an adult, I was still very young emotionally. They must have had to bite their tongues every day but they treated me with love and tolerance and - crucially - picked their battles.

I sorted myself out and I hope your son does too.

[Cutecat78]

It's not the pancake but it was sugar, golden syrup and strawberry syrup.

[Nataleejah]

YABU about sugar on pancake. Really? I thought it was about something more serious, like irresponsiblg drinking

[Cutecat78]

I don't think I have said I was telling him what I would be doing re work or what I would do if I were him .....

[popcornpaws]

As long as he keeps getting the my house my rules line and your opinions on what YOU think he should be doing regarding work and what YOU would do if you were him won't be helping the situation.
He won't do anything because you think he should.
Once you come to terms with that you might find he doesn't use the I'm 18 I'm an adult as he won't feel you are always telling him what to do.

[goodnightdarthvader1]

Work it out for him. Flat share, council tax, water, electricty / gas, groceries, internet. SHOW him exactly how much it would cost to live alone. If he doubts you, tell him to do his own research. He needs a short, sharp, shock.

[goodnightdarthvader1]

he knows how much the mortgage is but doesn't seem to think its fair that hes paying towards "my" mortgage

Fuck THAT noise. He can live in the fucking shed, then. Does he not grasp that HE lives there too?